Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
ps China girl you say he is
Kind—is it “kind” to be pushy?
Attentive–is it attentive or attempting to control when you say I’m not ready for a relationship and he keeps on pushing?
Smart–is it smart to be pushy when someone sets a boundary?
Adores me–is it adoring someone when you don’t respect their boundaries?
Nah, he is NOT kind, or attentive, or smart, and he doesn’t adore you he is trying to CONTROL you.
OX, EB…YES YES YES. YOu are right. My gosh, i cannot believe I question myself. I know better. And I DON’T want a relationship right now..I do, however, need and want friendships but only if they are supportive, not controlling.
Shit, excuse my language, he IS CONTROLLING. I have had this conversation twice with him. It’s humbling to be asking advice at this age!! LOL….
I never want to put myself in a place where I ever give my power away….NEVER AGAIN
Volunteer…..get out, meet normal peeps with something in common…..they won’t ask you out or pressure you….and if they do….find peeps who won’t pressure you.
Your steering this ship now girl!
DON”T QUESTION YOURSELF!!!!
Wow, it’s amazing how much work I need to normalize “normal” behavior!! LOL ah well….glad to have you all here to check my reality! Gracias!
This: “The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place.”
THANK YOU DONNA for making this point. I am realizing this right now. CRUD that was like the muck at the bottom of an empty coffee cup had been down there for years, and this upheaval has thrown age-old crap out of me and into the open.
Thanks to that jerk, I might actually have a shot at being healthier and happier than I was even before I met him. I have never been so intune with myself. He threw be back to square one with myself, a place where I can actually start from zero and put the right stuff on the blank page this time.
I come back to lovefraud for advice and it never steers me wrong. Donna actually fell in love again.
Here’s where I’m struggling. A guy friend (we were good buds) from high school contacted me to offer support in my divorce. Our parents ran into each other and he told my mom “Please give Hope4joy my number, I just went through a bad divorce too”.
Well, we connected and talked about a two months ago. I really enjoyed seeing him and re-newing our friendship. I have talked about the divorce but haven’t told him everything (some stuff is too bizarre to tell right away).
We went to the state fair together last Saturday and really had a great time, tried new fried food on a stick and walked around for hours. When we were in the car saying goodby, he kissed me. I got butterflies for the first time in a long time. It was awesome. Totally unexpected because I wasn’t interested in any kind of anything.
I know this sounds naive but I trust him. We were next door neighbors growing up. He said he liked me in high school but we were always dating someone else and the timing was bad.
So these feelings are growing in me and I’m wondering what the hell happened! He wants to wait to really date until my divorce is final because he feels guilty about me needing to finish my business and his faith is pretty strong too.
Last night we were talking and he told me how much he liked me and admired how I was keeping it together.
So what is the problem? Like Donna said in this article, “For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those beliefs are still with me. Last night I just bawled because I want to tell this man that I’m tainted and it would be better to not get involved. Tell him I’m a fricking train wreck and to run in the other direction. There is something vulnerable in this man and I don’t want to hurt him. I have so much damn baggage. How do you tell someone that you were with a sex addicted, potential pedophile, sociopathic, lying, manipulative a-hole and not sound totally messed up?
Good thing I see my therapist on Monday. This guy is really sweet and nerdy and not at all like the spath. He really likes me and I like him too but I feel like a fraud.
Do we ever get away from the damage?
Hopeforjoy,
I’m so happy for you, that you’ve met (what sounds like) a good guy. Over time, I expect our false beliefs (about ourselves) can be extinguished (wiped away for good). You don’t have to tell your new friend everthing at once, letting him know here-and-there about the things that occurred, what you dealt with in your marriage. As you get more deeply involved with him, then you can divulge more details, what you’re comfortable sharing. I don’t think that you’ll scare him away. Take it easy, one step at at time.
Hopeforjoy,
my advice is to go out and have fun, now and after the divorce is final – why wait? I’m not sure I see the reasoning.
Having said that, keep it fun and light. Don’t invest your emotions, stay grounded in reality, watch for red flags. Give it LOTS of time. If there is any disorder, it will reveal itself, it always does. That’s the reason to give it LOTS of time.
You don’t have to explain your previous relationshit to your friend. Doing so will only reveal your vulnerabilities and that’s the LAST thing you want to do with potential suiters. You aren’t a fraud, you are just waiting to show your cards. It’s all about intent. You don’t intend to decieve.
I did everything I told you not to do, with my BF. But our circumstances were very different – he was my ex-spaths best friend for several years – so he had many things to reveal to me and vice versa (because we had been kept in different compartments). Also, I had to make sure he didn’t show up at BF’s place and kill us both.
Dear Hope4joy,
First off, BE CAREFUL, you knew this man WAY BACK WHEN and that may not be the SAME man today, so treat it like a NEW MEETING. Reserve judgment. Don’t give him your INSTANT TRUST.
Secondly, don’t ask the question “am I good enough for him?” but DO ASK “is he good enough for ME?”
BE FRIENDS FIRST—-my late husband was someone from my “previous life” as a FRIEND and we rekindled a spark that had been there but been “bad timing” at the time, and we married and had 20 GREAT years together. But I also realize that the psychopathic BF I had after my husband’s death was a “friend” for 10 years who had recently been divorced, and he was NOT the man I thought I knew. SO even this relationship should go SLOW.
YOu don’t have to tell him all the details of your divorce, but you can say something along the line of “John, we have so many good memories of childhood and growing up together, but we have BOTH had difficult divorces and I really like you, I always have, but let’s take any relationship SLOW and just be friends for a while. Do things together and get to KNOW each other again. I’m not the same girl you knew, and you’re not the same boy I knew. Let’s get to know each other as friends and as ADULTS and each have time to heal from our divorces. I do want to have another love, but I sure do NOT want to have another divorce.”
Something along that line.
((((Hugs))) and God bless.
Dear Bluejay,
Thanks for the advice, I know that we had similar spaths and how they produced so much doubt and anxiety in us so it’s really nice to hear your positive words. One step at a time, I have to try and not let my emotions run amuk too soon.
Skylar,
I need to keep this on the downlow because I tend to reveal too much too soon. I’m going through a vetting process with him and don’t want to be played for a dupe again. Keeping both eyes WIDE open.
Oxy,
Asking “Is he good enough for me?” is like learning another language. I just need to tell myself that and stop being self defeating. “Is he good enough for me?” maybe. I like how empowering it feels to be in control of the course of my life and I’m not giving that power away anymore!
It could be wonderful, just take our time and don’t get carried away.
It’s such a new feeling to be treated respectfully and is so much better than the mind control crap that spath used when we were dating.