Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Mugged….who told you that men aren’t empathetic? Did HE tell you that?
And which men have you been around most of your life that you’ve been led to think that 98% of men behave like this?
Someone brainwashed you, I think. Men are not like this. If you accept that “men are just like this” then automatically you are setting yourself up to overlook behavior that is completely unacceptable from a man–from any human being–which means the men who ARE like this will probably gravitate towards you, because you are the only woman who will put up with their shit. If you REFUSE to let a man behave like this, and stop worrying that you will be man-less (since then, by your theory, you’d no longer be able to date 98% of the population), then you’d be surprised how many men you’ll get to know who are NOT like this. I think maybe you’ve convinced yourself that 98% of men are like this, so then you figure that if you want a man, you will just have to accept that they are MONSTERS. Huh, I know a lot of men who would be offended by this 🙂
Panther, LOL in a cringey kind of lol way…I have been brought up by a man like my husband..and my dad wont help none of us, he makes it worse, he tells them, ( his daughters partners) that they are obviously not in control of us if we are moaning about them, and decent wives shut their mouths and keep quiet.so yea point taken, My ex ex was kind of sociopathic too..so guess I am attracting these sorts, but they dont show their true colours till Im in too deep..the one I am presently parted from, seems to mimic others, when he is around my dad he acts like him, when he is around decent people he acts decent, he seems to be able to mimic the qualities of others, untill we are alone…and then, well then there is the monster…sorry…truly…was just on a panic and writing what comes in my head
True, Panther.
There are many women like this too.
But they, both men and women, wear a mask so you can’t tell.
Sometimes, you cannot tell for years and years. Women, I think, can hide it better than men can.
They know how to make you feel like crap and gaslight you into thinking that this feeling is coming from inside you and has nothing to do with them.
I spoke with a man, whose wife is a therapist. He told me that she said that most of the people who come to her for therapy, end up finding out that all their problems are not inside them, but actually coming from a toxic person in their lives. It’s so common, that it’s frightening.
These toxics are so screwed up that everything about them is backward. They respond to love with hate. In fact, right before they attack you, they will often approach you with a pity ploy and ask for a favor, or they will approach you and give you a judas kiss. They do this just to enrage themselves and really “get in the mood” for the attack.
Toxic…thats exactly what it is, they are toxic…I feel like I in fight or flight mode…I hate it.
mugged off – you sure are in the thick of it. of course ALL men look like this to you, because the men in your life have been. you said you don’t see it until you are in too deep. that’s the story of most of us. So, our job now (and yours, once you are out of shock and awe) is to learn what the red flags are and start seeing them and not denying them.
you are in that raw raw raw place most of us have been in muldoon – but you have been on lf for awhile so you are at least a bit familiar with how to get out of this relationship and STAY out of it. keep posting LOTS. and know that ultimately the answers will come from inside of you – as they do for all of us. LF posters scream nc for a reason, – because we know that once we remove the toxin we begin to heal, and once we begin to heal we see the toxin for what it is, and then we want to be further and further away from it in our lives and in our heads.
so keep up to the nc…really is there any good reason for going back? you want to be that 80 year old woman getting hit? what a sad way to live.
hi hens- see oxy defined verklempt (and sky is so right about SNL!)) for me it is a yiddish word. a big part of the lack of happiness as an adult is the chronic illness and physical pain – i know there are folks who manage to rise above that, but i am not always able to. I was unhappy as a kid (no shit!), but as i grew older i figured out ways and things to change that. being deeply engaged with things brings me a sort of intellectual satisfaction, being really physically active brings me chemical peace (which i am missing now), and being with the right people – i can feel a sense of home, belonging or joy. Peace is starting to come (two steps forward…one step back…); shakey and easily shaken. I was in the best place of my life before the injuries, surgery, n and spath. I felt comfortable in my own skin and clear in my mind. i had space in my heart and a sense of joy. I had a lot of control over my mind.
i know i am a bit whiny this am. body and mind are hurting much. and i am just tired. I haven’t been able to do much physically because of pain and injury, and now more is hurting and i feel really sluggish form lack of movement. and i see how much the last mold exposure took me down, and how, the loss of somoene in my house has depressed me. so, this morning will suck a bit. hopefully this aft doesn’t suck as much.
oxy – re not having sad destabilize one. you are right. (very buddhist of you.) not there, but you are right.
Dearest one joy-
It sounds as if you are going through some horrible and painful stuff. The mold girl, your grandmother, health issues… I’m truly sorry. Loneliness and sadness is a terrible thing and unfortunately has no immediate solution. Try to find the positive in even the most shitty of circumstances. I have found It is the small things in life that can help make the days easier. Sometimes you can’t see them and more often then not the come from unexpected sources. However if you can try to “look for the positive” you might be amazed at the goodness and love that is in the world. Sadly there is no immediate “cure” sometimes all you can do is try to change your attitude and have faith… Even if it seems like blind faith. Someone I know bought me a book the ultimate happiness prescription by deepak chopra… Well it didn’t help but it does put me to sleep when I read it- considering my sleeping issues there is a silver lining.
All things considered you seem to be coping well. Stay strong and live yourself. You deserve it. You are worth it.
((hugs)).
Love yourself!
hey coping – what a sweet post. and i would have the same response to deepak chopra. 😉
i felt the first bit of faith return when the roomie turned out to be real (she came form overseas) and not an internet scammer. think that little light dimmed when she left, and as she did. and of course the mold effects my mood too. that’s chemical and i just have to wait it out, doing the things i know will help. ‘coping’ is what i do…and right now…it’s just not enough.