Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
‘living’ myself is good advice, too!
Ox Drover
One/Joy,
Yes, I have some “Buddhist” leanings in philosophy, and have read a great deal on the philosophies of other religions and philosophy in general. I’m a “read-a-holic” and find philosophy and poetry (which I think is philosophy set to rhyme) interesting to read and ponder.
Lately I’ve been reading a great deal of a MIXTURE of philosophy and science, the current book is the about how the concepts of Good and Evil were developed in evolution of the human species, written by a scientist who is also a philosopher. How and when and why religions developed to facilitate GROUP “selection of the fittest” groups by encouraging cooperation among individuals within groups to facilitate survival of those close genetic material among families and small tribal groups.
(If that makes any sense–he took two chapters to describe what I have tried to do in one or two sentences.)
I think on an individual level the psychopathic genes have survived because they do, under certain conditions, increase the surviving number of offspring from the psychopathic individual, but if psychopathic individuals were the entirety of mankind almost none of them would survive because they would not cooperate in a meaningful way and would be counter productive to the survival of the species, so it keeps them in check, but doesn’t allow for the doing away with them entirely. Diversity of genetic material does allow for the survival of the species though, as conditions change.
As our “groups” become “tribes” and they become “nations” the numbers of people we associate with become unmanageable for individuals, so we can’t KNOW which individuals in our area are to be trusted and which aren’t, so the psychopaths can move among us without a reputation for “back stabbing” becoming known within the smaller group, so they are much more able in our large society and culture to “hide” their non-cooperative and parasitic tendencies. In small groups (150 average individuals) you would know whom to trust to have altruistic behavior and who not to trust. In a city of more than 150 individuals you can’t know who to trust and who not to trust.
Interesting concepts actually.
Ana
Oxy & One Joy,
I have ordered the books from the library here that you guys suggested. The didn’t have not one of them on the shelf, so they have to borrow them from another library. I thought, geez what the heck kind of library am I in anyhow!
I hope to get them soon and start reading again. Oxy did you get 100 years of solitude yet?
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Oxy – this is why it is imperative that we educate people about them, and why starting with the younger generations makes so much sense; and why it is IMPERATIVE that we leave them; and once knowing that they are bad, that we DON’T BREED WITH THEM.
although the move of people from the country to the city; globalization; the internet; and the break down of older social structures give them freer reign, WE also have the internet AND COMPASSION. We can use the internet to identify, track and expose them. (Oh wait, did i say ‘track’ aloud?!) And our compassion to motivate us.
I would have NO idea who the spath is and what she has been doing for decades if not for the internet – both the other things people have written about her, but the internet played a vital part in my discovering who she is. And where she lives (sorry, feel like poking someone with a stick today – might as well b e her!).
It might take me a while to find some titles, but i will find you some good articles/ books on buddhism and science.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Ana – i love inter-library loan!
behind_blue_eyes
I actually think my x-spath used the Internet to to reveal things about himself as several of his dating profile names are also porn site profile names and it was very easy to connect the dots with a little Googling.
I highly recommend to anyone using online online dating to at least Google perspective dates profile names. Also try PIPL.
You never know what you might learn…
coping
Mugged- there are good men out there. This I know for a fact. My ex-husband (not spath) was a good one. Although divorced we still remain good friends. He is the only person in my life I consider family.. True unconditional love. It’s not romantic but real love. It’s complicated but it just didn’t work out.
The reality is men and women are just different. They way we think and handle things are just different. Women seem to want to talk where men seem to want to fix (in general and in my experience). However there are allot of shits out there as well. Sometimes the bad ones just obscure or vision. Lol. A penis does not equal evil. 🙂
coping
Man my spelling and typos are really off today.
MoonDancer
oh my i am just verklempt tonite – I am trying to remember if it was Babs or Bete that used that word….
Ana
Hens,
The lady on Sat. night live..remember..I’m all verklempt…tawwwk amongt yourselves..lolol