Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Psyche – THANKYOU SO MUCH for posting that! I am in such a hole with things at the moment – it’s really lifted me!:) The layers and layers of realisation that come with the fall out from a run in with a sociopath makes me short circuit.:( Its so wonderful to hear something so clearly put from someone who went through it and came out the other side. I second the TOWANDA! I think I’m going to print it out…
Oxy – I am sorry I havent replied to your responses on my other posts (and LTL and kathy) I think my brain capsized just talking and thinking about it all… thankyou all for your support and I hope I canbe as much to you some timexxx
(This has made me think of a question, I wonder what it was about ‘the’ sociopath that ‘woke us up’. A lot of us describe living in the nest of vipers for years…)
Donna – THANKYOU so much for this Valentine xxx hope is so important to hang on to.x That if you just keep trucking you will one day feel ‘good enough’ (with or without a partner!). The picture is beautiful. Cant help but smile and feel a little bit lighter looking at it:)x
My ex (while we were together) told me he didn’t believe in Valentines day, right after he saw that I’d bought him a present. I don’t imagine he would have told me that little fact during the honeymoon phase!
Donna Anderson I just read about your experience with J.M, oh my goodness, all I can say is congratulations on your happiness!
Aeylah, You go girl! Darn it, I had typed this all out and somehow lost it, I will try to remember what I was saying!lol
I love the way you celebrated V.Day- chocolate, flowers, the works- It is all about YOU- and the healthy reflection you have about where you are at in your life. We should all have your attitude.
You said ..the best gift you gave yourself was closing your hearts door forever on the sick individual.. AMEN sista! I can soo relate to you, jelltogether, midlife- and others comments.
I had same experiences- whenever the S did ANYTHING remotely nice or special for me, he had to announce it like it was a 5 oclock BREAKING NEWS story. It WASNT real to him if he didnt have a captivating audience. He always said he wanted to be an actor- BAHAHHAHA, seriously, when was he NOT ? My greatest gift to me is when I chose not to PLAY THE FOOL anymore- move on, SHOW OVER. 😉
Southernman- I love your post. Thank you for sharing the fact that thru your experience with the S- you were able to get closer to God. I found this to be very true. God is consistently putting my broken pieces together, making the pieces of the puzzle come together.
I feel that in order to grow up spiritually, and help others, we have to daily “refill our cup” so to speak by putting back “in” what the world/media tries to take away from us. I have to continue to study, read, hear His word, etc to filter out all the junk that is out there! best wishes to all of you..
southern man has an amazing soundtrack on his blog. listened to it for hours yesterday.
Blueskies –
Good to see your posts! Was thinking about you …glad you are hanging in there!
What “woke me up” – was I had reached my personal limit…I could no longer deny , look away, pretend, live in a fantasy that this person had my best interest in mind… my ‘sleeping spirit and soul” awakened and said enough…. time to get this toxic person out of your heart and HEAD and get on with the life youve been given — dont let it be taken away by another.
xoxo
Great post and picture, Donna! Gives us hope for a future.
I can totally relate to slimone, who said, “This website has been, and continues to be, so many things for me: security blanket, slap up side the head, warm bath, inspiration, release, and complete ’aha’ moments. I deeply appreciate the energy you put in to maintaining this site, and I am (really!) overjoyed by your success in life and love.” I could not have said it better myself.
After 3 years, 5 months and 1 day I am in a relationship. I have had serious and severe trust issues, and great trepidation, but I am “in like” and believe I could be heading towards “in love”. I have learned to have boundaries and am very alert to red flags. Also, I must learn to trust a romantic partner 100%…not even 99.9% will suffice. Communication is a key to understanding and growth.
Much happiness and success to everyone here. It has been a long journey towards health, healing, forgiveness…and love.
Thank you, Donna. And also a special thanks to OxDrover and AlohaTraveler.
Peggy
Hi, Ox Drover and Blueskies – thank you so much for appreciating my post. Blueskies, if you’ve found your way here, I just know you’re going to find your way out of hell, too. Btw, the thing about my sociopath that got me to wake up – well, there was one thing I loved more than anything in this world, my cat. Even if I didn’t love myself, I loved my cat, and he hurt my cat with his carelessness. That did it. He had hurt ME a thousand times before, and it hadn’t opened my eyes one bit. The second I realized he had put his selfishness before my cat , I was DONE with him. It sounds crazy . . . and it probably is. In any case, it worked, and it got me on the path to liberation. Unfortunately my cat died because of his involvement. That broke my heart to a million pieces. That’s what got me to want to live a better life, to be able to protect myself and everything I care about better.
Matt, do you ever look back at old pictures of yourself, and see that you were really gorgeous, and hate that you felt like Ox Drover’s Ugly-Duckling anyway, at the time the pic was taken? I feel a dull, flat grief at all the years I spent feeling ugly, worthless, uncomfortable and awkward, when I was really beautiful the whole time.
I think back to those times when I was hurt the most, and I’ve started giving ‘gifts’ to the younger, still-wounded versions of myself. I picture myself on horribly sad days in my youth, and ask myself – what did I need from my parents that I didn’t get that day? Then I find a way to give that to myself now, as if I’m giving it to one of my mini-me’s (me at different stages of my young life). I think of my mini-me’s as my children that I’ve rescued, and relate to them in my imagination this way. It’s helping heal some of those old wounds, I do feel more cared-for, and it reinforces the idea that I’m no longer hoping my parents will come around, set things right, and heal those wounds for me. Sometimes I also visualize my mini-me’s throwing buckets of water on the people who hurt me, making them dissolve into nothing like the Wicked Witch of the West. The rest of the time, like you, I am fiercely determined to live my remaining years to the fullest, to appreciate and build on every bit of goodness that comes my way.
Dear Peggy, so glad to see your handle up theere again and you posting! I’ve missed you girl!
Thanks to Peggy and Psyche for those sweet words! Psyche, I know what you mean…I look back at the photos of my younger days and I was a KNOCK OUT but I didn’t see that then, I felt ugly and unloveable, fortunately I was able to find a wonderful husband who did love me and we had 20 years of a great friendship and then 20 years of a good marriage! I sure as heck miss that support, but I’ve got a big load of wonderful memories! I also have some great memories of my step-father and he was trying very hard to give me what I needed as a child, but my egg donor’s louder voice was overshadowing his quieter but loving one. But NOW I can go back in my memory and bring out those memories and give them to myself as a wonderful GIFT when I need an uplifting feeling! I have quieted the voice of the HARPY and am listening to the softer melodies of the loving people—-it took a long time, but I am able to use and resue those wonderful memories.
Even though The face in the mirror now resembles my grandmother more than it does that beautiful young woman, I know that like my grandmother, even though sometimes I feel like the princess who kissed a frog, and instead of turning him into a prince, it turned me into an apple-doll-face old woman, none the less my HEART AND SOUL is still young and a lot prettier than it ever was! And, I am, even with my down times from time to time, I am happier!