Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
I think the defining moment for me- when I “woke” up out of the zombie, brain dead state that I was in with the P, was the weekend I returned home from the hospital- I had been put to sleep, under anesthesia.
The P- chose to take his children (my step children at the time) to a hotel to swim, and play rather than take care of me in our home(mine actually) that weekend.
My moment of clarity hit me like a ton of bricks- I told myself thru the fog of anesthesia- you are being abused, lied to, stolen from, degraded, , etc etc. HE DOSENT LOVE YOU. WHY the FREAK ARE YOU ALLOWING This big bastard (sorry) to LIVE HERE??Whats in it for me??? –THE FIRST TIME I had ever questioned what was the benefit for me. An ahh haa moment..
I woke up from the dream-…He was NOT a knight in shining armor, riding up on a white horse- Heck, a white horse???
I could of sold that! He brought nothin, ecsept his suitcase and his sorry a**, and thats ALL he would leave with!
Now I view that weekend as my personal INDEPENDENCE DAY! I took back my POWER and my life.. From there, I have slowly walked forward in life..
It actually took being put to sleep to “wake” me up, But THANK GOD it happened after 3 yrs of being trauma bonded to the soul thief.
Psyche:
“Matt, do you ever look back at old pictures of yourself, and see that you were really gorgeous, and hate that you felt like Ox Drover’s Ugly-Duckling anyway, at the time the pic was taken? I feel a dull, flat grief at all the years I spent feeling ugly, worthless, uncomfortable and awkward, when I was really beautiful the whole time. ”
Psyche, I sure do. I look at those photos and think “Damn. I really was handsome.” But, I look at my eyes and I see all the insecurity in them. Insecurity about my looks. Insecurity about my smarts. Insecurity about my future. Insecurty about the next explosion on the horizon at my parents (and there was always one looming in that macadamia ranch). I was always so inside my head or busy trying to read the every changing winds in that house, that I couldn’t see what was staring me in the face.
It’s funny, in a way, but at the age of 52 I actually am starting to feel like I’m finally coming into my own. I have a circle of friends who I know are actually friends and not vampires who are just attaching themselves to me for their own needs. I’m in a healthy, loving relationship with a man who thinks I hung the moon. Things are starting to look up on the employment front — I’m hoping for good news on something I’ve interviewed for in the next couple of weeks. I finally feel like I’m not running away from something, but am moving toward something.
Oh, yes. And those brothers of mine who were held up as such paragons of virtue (and good looks, etc)? Both have aged far less well than I have. 🙂
Aeylah & Sabrina,
I so hear what you are both saying. Spent years thinking that there was something wrong with me. Spent years supporting his a**. Spent years buying the gifts to “make him happy” Now that I have been hit with all those realizations a gift was given to me. Funnily enough the day after Valentine’s Day, I had an old friend contact me by email. We haven’t seen each other in years but I got the most wonderful email telling me what a beautiful person I was and how could I have not known that all these years. It made me feel great but sad at the same time. Sad only because I didn’t know that about myself. I had let my spath take that away from me. But now I feel so much better knowing that there are people out there who care about me and think the world of me. I feel good knowing that people here understand what I have gone through and welcome me. And I feel good that I won’t let someone take that from me again.
There were times in the past weeks where I was wavering on NC I admit but now I don’t have the desire to ever enter into another relationship with someone who doesn’t value me. I have no wish to speak to someone who can’t treat me with love and kindness, or doesn’t want to respect me or my feelings. I have no desire to spend time with someone who just wants to take from me. Every day from now on I will love me and know that I am worth everything to me.
Jeltogether,
Awsome! you are giving yourself the gift of love and kindness and respect. You are worth it! and your friends think so too.
…. remember, stay strong, NC, NC, NC…..(I tell myself the same thing)
I am glad to hear that there is hope on down the road for me perhaps. I have always had a couragous nature…perhaps naive? Now I am just plain scared inside to trust someone with my heart. I feel that my defenses have been stripped away and I am standing alone and unprotected. Guess I just haven’t given it enough time. Try not to get angry about all of this. Doesn’t seem fair at all that I am alone and the monster is moving on finding new victims. Valentines Day I shared with myself and my son. He has been a lifesavor. Actually he is the reason I finally stopped the maddness. For his sake at first and then I saw that it was for my sake as well. I really hate this scared inside feeling…not my way at all.
Sabrina,
Your post touched me because I remember clearly when I KNEW and felt my ex spath was exactly what he was. I had someone ask me a simple question, “What are YOU getting out of this?” That simple. And it tripped a trigger that sent off a ton of “aha” moments and while it hurt, there was also freedom. I left him. I flew all the way across the country and had a year of freedom before he showed up again on my doorstep. Prior to that, I had had(and still do) a heart condition and while I was down completely with that, he proceeded to keep doing exactly what he had always done, cheat, use drugs and take the money I had in savings. I lost everything. He didn’t care. He told the world he was so “upset” about how sick I was. That was such BS! The picture he gave to the world was one of a caring, loving man who would do anything for me.
Today, he is truly gone and each day I have NC with him, I’m that much better. I like the term “soul thief” because that’s exactly what mine took from me.
I think that sometimes God puts us in certain situations so that we DO wake up to the reality of what we are living with and then gives us the courage to do what we have to do. I know that’s what happened in my case.
amyc, I believe there is hope for all of us. I know that for myself I’m not ready yet for another relationship and to have one right now would just end up being a complete mess. I DO believe there is someone meant for me, but right now I’m working on all the things you talked about, by defenses, my walls, my fears of being hurt like that again, ME. I’m worth a good relationship in my life and I know it will happen, just not right now. YOU also deserve the same. Funny you should mention your son. I spent Valentine’s Day with mine and it was perfectly OK with me. My son has been my lifesaver as well. Bless his sweet little heart.
Bless yours as well-Cat
southernman,
I visited your myspace. WOW! one-step is right. The music is wonderful and it’s incredibly inspirational. There is so much on there to take in and it’s all good. Thank you for sharing!
Cat
Thank you Cat.. and also to the others for all of your kind comments to my ministry of encouragement over at Myspace… I have in fact, several of you there as my friends….My journey through healing included tapping into my creative side to get the pain out.. to try and see the good in me…and in doing so, God used me to help others… I am always humbled by that. The myspace thing is a platform in which I can create and blog… it is me expressing my journey through life and as Aloha wrote on her myspace “I am learning as I go”… I always loved that Aloha…smiles… are not we all doing just that?…. learning, growing, loving, forgiving……These are the things I take from my journey through darkness from the sociopath….. redirecting the hurt, pain, anger and rejection into something beautiful and everlasting………it is truly the gift we give ourselves.
Here are a couple of videos I created over the past few years to go with some of my older blogs over at the myspace…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77gUIDziK54
Once Upon A Time…. My testimony and you will see that the sociopath (unnamed) led to my conversion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpdljN7xz-0
Be Here Now….My healing video…in the beginning…you will see all the feelings you have felt about yourself after the sociopath… the end is where you can be if you begin to learn how to love yourself once again.
Enjoy…..
Southernman
www,myspace.com/southernman429
Thank you Donna I just read your article!
You ARE the greatest! Happy post Valentine’s Day
amyc,
I know that it doesn’t seem fair that you are alone on “love day” and that the spath can be with someone. I felt the same way on that day but remember their journey is just beginning with that horrible person. They may “love them” as you did but think of it this way, you are on the up escalator and they are on the down side. Pity them. You are a wonderful person and don’t lose sight of that on your ride on the escalator to real happiness without the spath.