Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Ox Drover
Dear Jelltogether,
It seems that though my P-son was out of my home by the time he was 17, he was STILL my life—one way or another. In my thoughts every single hour.
With my X-BF-P—After my husband died I was so lonely, so needy so distraught that when he (the BF) came into my life I fell like a ton of bricks—every SECOND was tied up with being with him or thinking about being with him, and it was so horrible when Ifinally realized what a creep he was, a cheat and a liar and kicked him to the curb. He INFILTRATED MY soul and I couldn’t stop thinking about him….BUT…the thing is that you have to think about all this crap in order to process it.l
Hhowever, you have to think of other things toooooo—-so try to keep a BALANCE in your life. Sleep, good food, entertainment (even when you don’t want to) EXERCISE and being with others and NOT thinking about them.
CRY–it is okay, RAGE, it is okay too! but come here and read and read and learn and blog, that is super okay! ((((hugs)))) you will get through this. God bless.
onelukygurl
Jelltogether:
Although very new in my ‘recovery’, Ive recently (by the grace of god) been having ephiphanies about what happened in the relationship with ‘princess’. It occured to me, tonight actually, that the hardest part of ‘us’ not being together was the weekends. We only saw each other on the weekends so ALL my time was taken up by him…or his child and him…or him wanting to go somewhere…or him wanting to play a game…or go for a bike ride…or go shopping.
My point is this. I have been 14 weeks No Contact with him, and at first, yes, it was VERY difficult as I was in a routine with the contact. He texted me at 730am, I called back, took a shower, got ready, called him back, saw clients, called him back, texted in between the clients, spoke at lunch, texted some more, talked before the gym, then after, then before he went to clean, then after and then before we went to bed. IT TOOK UP A GOOD PORTION OF MY DAY…so of course you are going to feel lonely after implementing NC! Alot of YOUR day was spent revolving around HIM!
As Oxy said…CRY, CRY, CRY! I was able to hold it together for about 23 days, had a TOTAL meltdown, and have had 2 more since then. You will make it through, and the more you come out of the fog, the more you will cry then get angry because the more DIS-illusioned you will be…and what we have gone through is very sad.
Keep your chin up…we will ALL be okay…including you!
pollyannanomore
CA Mom – I got a similar response (if you can call it that) to c hronic illness and pain – what a soldier he was for helping me and looking after me when he did nothing of the sort except make me aware of how much a ‘burden’ I was and how everything I had to ask him to do was a ‘drag’ =- I really relate to that word drag – everything was a drag for him – even breathing I think. It was all unspoken anger and resentment simmering just under the surface but he would never admit what a seething angry man he was – he’s just sick.
ALL they care about is their own needs. They have no humanity, no empathy, no compassion, no caring. I saw it a long time ago and named it for what it is – no empathy. He of course denied it and raved on about how he just didn’t show his feelings the same as me. I like an idiot bought it. Now I know better. When I kicked him out the last time he did the crocodile tears act and I said ‘Just don’t because I know you don’t have any real feelings.’ He said ‘Okay’ and changed his whole demeanor in a second to someone happy – you wouldn’t believe the quick change unless you had seen it – it was so unnerving and evil.
Ox Drover
Dear Midlife,
Yea, it is so disconcerting to see that PRESTO-CHANGE-O act isn’t it!?
And they can do it back again…Dr. Robert Hare said “they know the words but not the music” (or words to that effect) and I think with “showing emotions” they are like a tone-deaf person trying to sing—they just can’t get it right! They can turn it off and on, just like a faucett. It is unnerving and EVIL! You are so right there! good analogy!
Matt
GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS!
After being out of work over a year, today I received a job offer! It is doing exactly what I want for the employer I want.
And in the category of when it rains, it pours, I got phone calls from two other employers wanting to interview me today. For a year now, I couldn’t get arrested, let alone get an interview, no matter how I tried. Then boom!
So, all of a sudden I’m finding the career is getting back on track and I’m seeing a great guy. So, folks, I am living proof that you can find love and not only reclaim your life, but actually improve your life after an S!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Matt – Congratulations!!! How absolutely wonderful. I am so happy for you.
best,
one step
Matt
one_step:
Thanks. I’ve got like 20 million things to do in the next few weeks — list my place in NYC, move to WDC, etc, etc, etc. My biggest concern, after being out of work for over a year is whether my brain will actually begin functioning again.
super chic
Matt, Congratulations!!!! You are fabulous!!!!!
I know what you mean about the brain function, LOL!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
matt – it will come back SO fast and you will be so happy to see yourself functioning at optimum again, and being ‘in the world.’
work is so much more than money.
again, congratulations! 😉
Aeylah
Matt,
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Your news is fantastic. You deserve to be on cloud 9 right now. Everything is alligning for you as it should.
How did you stay up beat and positive during all that time? I’ve been unemployed for 6 months now and I’m going crazy. At leat getting rid of the S for the last time gives me a sence of control and is the only good news.
Good luck to you!