Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Dear Matt,
WOW! This is great news! Now we will have at least ONE honest attorney in WDC! Gosh the country is looking up! ROTFLMAO
Seriously though, congratulations! This is wonderful news! I’m happy for you! But now with your great new job and your great new squeeze, don’t forget about your friends here at LF! (((hugs))))
Matt – Thats good news – I am happy for you.
Matt:
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!!!!!
I know how much you wanted this…..and you went and got it!
I’m thrilled for you!!!!
Now….can I have a loan?
🙂
HA!
Congrats Matt – everything will come back very fast – we lose our sense of orientation with the Ps but it comes back once we’re away from them sure enough. You will be fabulous! What wonderful news – a great relationship and a wonderful new job to top off a great new year 🙂 Well deserved by you after all you’ve been through 🙂
Sabrina
Thanks for that response, its very good to hear the lovebombing vs normal kindness line of things….I do not know WHAT I’m looking for, what I feel about men in general because somewhere in my twisted logic it seems ive reached a conclusion “all men are psychopath” so I glare at them through a filter of suspicion which makes for a truly miserable date …Ive stopped going out on the dates.
I know I do not trust good looking, confident, sexy any more than I trust creepy or introverted…in fact every avenue of hope is now riddled with doubt. I have lost trust in myself to even know what is real.
I read about you finding a KIND NORMAL guy and the well being you feel with him….how did you do it???? you ran all the checks on him and he passed!! And Donna with Terry…. a NORMAL, happy ORDINARY (or extraordinary?)couple…..do they find you or do you find them…maybe it’s fate? destiny? do they walk into your life when you have done all the grief work?
I’m so scared. Is there a quick guide to what NORMAL is? The only thing I get is…normal is less dramatic and exciting…less love bomb and more easy and comfortable??? slippers vs stillettos?
Matt
Congratulations…..there is something about a time coming when things allign and space is made for something good to come in, wow and then it happens!
Matt –
TOWANDO!!!
Timing really is everything! Dont second guess yourself – this is your time to shine -AGAIN – good luck with the relocation and new job with your new and improved MIND — ready to take on whatever comes your way!
Cyber-celebrations today!! Good for you! Way to go !! Been a long time and a process in the making! ENJOY~
All:
Thanks for your good wishes. Last night I slept like a log for 10 hours straight — first time in ages.
Today I formally accepted the position. Now I am going out to buy some casual clothes — it seems that my closet full of suits won’t cut it since the place dresses business casual.
Aeylah, to keep your perspective during an extended period of unemployment, I found you’ve got to get outside of your head. For me that was volunteering. I found a not-for-profit or two which either needed my skill set or did work which I personally felt was important. Besides, it is also a good networking opportunity. I also joined one of the support groups for the unemployed. I found that we set goals for eachother on calls we had to make, letters we had to write, etc. And a real big one for me was forcing myself to get out of bed and not lie around watching TV and visiting my refrigerator. Very easy to slip into that one. Keep plugging, apply for jobs in places you would have no intention of moving to. At least you feel you’ve accomplished something.
Bulletproof- I think I was exactly where you are with not trusting ANYbody, and I had good reason. I actually did meet up with a few major S AFTER the one I was married too! Unbelievable, it was like 3 in a row!!
One female friend of mine that MORE than fit the criteria and was dangerously disordered,one business vendor (male)who tried to date me, and I found he is a criminal, violent S. THen lastly, the very handsome, sexy, writer that I went out with. Probally the worst nut job of the 3! He went into a S rage within ONE month of knowing him – imagine my horror when he told me-shamelessly, that Although he HAD abused his x-wife in front of her son, SHE had NO right to divorce him. She was morally wrong- worse wrong than he- the abuser! OMG! His own father was in prison for KILLING his g.f. for cheating on him, and this guy said NO ONE could say for sure that they would not have killed if they found their partner cheating. The guy couldnt stand his own mom who had been abused by the father, -he said he was SICK of women like her who CRIED abuse! I got away from him like a flash!!!! NC NC NC!!!
I could give you more mind blowing examples of these individuals that fit a S checklist.
During the whole year after being divorced from the S, I studied everything I could to learn how to recognize the traits of an S, and ernestly prayed for discernment to do the same.
The 3 different individuals were major case studies for me! Sick, and disturbing, but I learned.
I also saw that my boundaries and ability to shake off these people really SUCKED!!!! It was really weird, you would THINK I would run like my rear end was on fire at the “blazin” P signs these guys were showing me, but sometimes I was WAY too slow to react and too accommodating to these people. My tolerance level for B.S. was still way too high.
All over again I began to feel ran over, and almost out of control as these people tried to step all over my boundaries.
I decided I needed to burrow in a hole away from society until I was mentally strong enough to deal with these disordereds that kept coming my way!
I began to turn away from ANYONE that had any red flag, that made me feel defensive in any way.
I was lucky to meet an awesome guy that I didnt have to be ‘on gaurd’ at all. It was what I had prayed for ,for a long time that if there was someone out there that I was supposed to be with, that God drop him in front of me. I was prepared to be alone and satisfied with that rather than settle. I refused to define myself or my worth by being “with” a man. As much as I am loving being in a healthy relationship now, I learned alot and appreciate the time I spent without dating or even looking for a partner.
Best wishes Bulletproof in finding what you are looking for, You can do it, but please enjoy your precious times and opportunities now…. xoxo
Matt:
“since the place dresses business casual”……
I’m having visions of white short sleeved dress shirts with pocket protectors…..
PLEASE STOP ME!!!
🙂
Sabrina:
Thanks for reminding us about US…..
And when it’s time….and when weve done our work…..when we are comfortable with US….ourselves…..then it/love will find us…..
How ya doing girl…..