Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader:
Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I’ll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I’ve experienced. It’s sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I’m working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that?
Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of allowing ourselves to open to love again.
For each of us, the experience of the sociopath was probably the most traumatic of our lives. The betrayal shakes us to our souls. But sometimes what gets shaken loose is the negative beliefs that enabled us to fall for the sociopath in the first place. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody loves me.” “There’s something wrong with me.”
Those were my beliefs. They were buried deep in my psyche, hidden by my brains, writing talent and management ability. But my ex-husband, James Montgomery, plowed through my life, crushing the structures I’d built to present myself to the world—like my career, bank account and credit rating. With the structures gone, I came face to face with the beliefs.
The beliefs were wrong. It was the sociopathic upheaval that enabled me to realize that and let them go.
How did I do it? Quite honestly, it was painful. I cried. I raged. I released layers and layers of negative emotion. And finally, on April 19, 2001, I gave up the battle to make my ex pay me back.
Nine days later I met Terry Kelly. We dated. We fell in love. We married.
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. We still love each other as we did when our romance was new and fresh. Today, we exchanged mushy Valentines.
These have been the happiest years of my life. We enjoy each other’s company. We comfort each other in times of stress. We support each other in everything—in fact, without Terry, there would be no Lovefraud.
So yes, there can be life and love after the sociopath.
Please do not give up on life because of the terrible experience. If you do, then the predator will truly have won.
Instead, give yourself time and permission to heal. Find the blind spot within you that made it difficult for you to see the sociopath’s agenda. Recognize that you are now educated about this personality disorder, and you won’t be fooled again. Trust your intuition.
When we’re in the midst of the pain and trauma, it is difficult to believe that life can turn around. But we really do need to believe it, and allow ourselves to move, day by day, toward our own healing. Because healing can bring us love.
Aeylah
Matt,
Thanks for the advise on keeping my perspective about unemployment. All good ideas….I especially like your comment on “thinking outside your head”!
I have to admitt, that I have days when I cant get out of bed, stay in my PJ’s all day, eat too much, dont get enout enough letters and resumes out and worst of all obsess about my ex S who only used my time off to exploit me, and keep me from moving forward.
On a good note, I am taking a some classe one that is a start in a new career in real estate, and so far I passed the class test…so this gives me some feeling of accomplishment.
Enjoy your last days of “freedom”…((hugs))
bulletproof
Sabrina,
More thanks, you say
I was prepared to be alone and satisfied with that rather than settle. I refused to define myself or my worth by being “with” a man. As much as I am loving being in a healthy relationship now, I learned alot and appreciate the time I spent without dating or even looking for a partner.
I am there in attitude also because every man I gravitate towards is a disordered p- it’s making me value my alone time!…..
I am happy for you and want the same thing. I know relationships (even when they are great) are challenging because you get the experience of yourself you cannnot get alone. Yes I have peace, safety and focus but I miss LOVING another human being and all the crap that goes with it.
I just want a normal amount of crap though…..not the heart shredding psychopathic bloodbath (ever again so help me God)
tamsen
It took me five and a half years to figure what was wrong with
him, and I just figured it out today. I’m devastated but thrilled to have the answer finally after banging my head against the wall for so long. I thought I could help him and give him the love and opportunities he never had. I don’t know why it took me so long to find the answer to who he really is and why. I’m educated, I’m intelligent, I’m a researcher and yet…….I can’t believe I allowed myself to be
psychologically and financially abused and used. I really loved him. I’m really sad. And hope I can love and trust again. Can anybody out there tell me why it feels so terrible and frightening to finally know the truth?
I’m grieving for something that never really existed.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
dear tamsen:
‘I’m grieving for something that never really existed. ‘ this is why it is so devastating.
it is incomprehensible that sociopaths are as they are for those who are empathetic and who feel compassion, who bond, who love and who care. it seems that they are indeed only shells, that their ‘love’ is only affectation.
they are also masters of manipulation, reeling ordinary people in, taking advantage of our precious qualities (compassion, love, etc.) and playing with us. and we think it’s love. it’s not.
we are only something they feed on. i know that sounds almost like the stuff of legend, be it biblical or vampiric, but there is a correlation – they are evil. a word i had never used until the ‘spath.’
there is a vast array of intelligent, kind, thoughtful, creative people on love fraud. I am constantly reminded of the most cherished qualities of humanity while posting and reading here.
You are among some very good people who have been ‘love bombed’, devalued and discarded. I am glad that you have figured out what he is. I know it is both painful and liberating, frightening and empowering.
welcome.
best,
one step
ErinBrock
Tamsen:
Because it’s the end of the ‘fantasy’. The end of your illusion you so desparately worked for, wished for, hoped for.
He could never be what you wanted….they are just NOT designed the same way.
I’ts thelack of empathy, compassion, feeling……
It’s very hard to wrap your heart around.
I’m glad you found LF…..as One said…..there are so many vulnerable, helpful, loving, wonderful, caring people here …..willing to share their journies with us and offer validation and support.
I highly suggest you read the articles…..I found and find them very helpful as they cover an array of topics in regards to Cluster B’s.
Welcome welcome…..I’m sorry your feeling so hurt!
XXOO
EB
tamsen
Thank you one_step_at_a_time and thank you ErinBrock for your words of wisdom. I understand the disorder – spent all
day reading about it on the internet – but can’t collect my
feelings and thoughts into anything that feels comforting. But,
yes, I do feel empowered now that I understand what I’ve been dealing with for so long. I ended the relationship today,
and it feels almost like a death in the family. But there will be
no wake and no body to view. Just the mourning. I’m grateful that I had the instinct to never marry him, although he wanted to many times, and I’m thankful that I never gave
him personal access to my money. Thank you for giving me
a place to go when I have to express this grief to people who
understand.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
tamsen,
give yourself time. it will take a while.
i am sorry it was necessary, but so very glad that you have made this move to freedom and authenticity.
good night.
one step
Aeylah
Tamsen,
I’m sorry for your pain. It is like a death, and with it allow yourself to go throgh all the phases of recovering Staring with mourning and anger. Know that learing more about it thgrough this site and others you are going to gain alot of clarity and this will help you understand more painful experiences before your throgh. But it will be clearing your way for healling.
someone else heere at LF once said “the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off” was so right.
He will never change. No matter how he promises, cajoles, begs, love bombs you, it wont happen. They are emotionally stuted creatures suck in adolecence whos brains never aquired the funcions of remorse, empathy and dignity. The only authentic emotion they know and show is rage….the rest are all just good acts. Be ware that he will try to contact you again as this is a pattern. Be strong and do not allow contact. You need some space and time to heal ….if not he will suck you right bak in.
be kind to your self, and your not alone…..
((hugs))
luv716
I have met a really nice guy at least I hope. We went on our first date yesterday an had a really nice time, prior to the date we’ve been conversing on the phone for two weeks we talk everynite but what I realize is that I’m really a complete mess after being involved with a sociopath. I wonder am I capable of ever having a real relationship again my guard is on 10, I’m so suspicious of everything he say and trust wow it seem like I dont even believe in that word any more. We are so new an I cant even explain what it feels like to even be interested in someone again its like im consistantly asking god to let him be real and not playin games with me. Talking to him and getting to know him has taken my mind off the sociopath which is a good thing but I can’t relax and let it flow im analyzing it to death. Like today he called like usually around 6 said he was going to the gym and he would call me when he got back home I haven’t heard from him so I’m thinking here we go the begining of the lies its almost like a big dissapointment, I’m so screwed up I just want a normal healthy relationship again an put the damage that was left on me from the s behind me the scars are trying to heal will it ever?
tamsen
Aeylah —- thank you so much for warm, kind and supportive words. I know he can never change and the only genuine
emotion he exhibits is his rage. It’s taken me so very long
to identify what is wrong with him. Sometimes he made me
think that I was the “crazy” one, so I kept trying to understand
him. I wasted a lot of time, love, emotion and money on him.
He would change for a while, then revert right back and even
worse than before. I’m sure he thought he had me forever.
And you’re right – I am very shakey about him contacting me,
and I know he’ll keep trying. I feel as if I’ve been in love with
a devil. When I think about what I’ve put up with and what I’ve forgiven, it really makes me question my judgment
and why I stayed for so long. I’ve decided to go into therapy
to find out what kept me with him. I need to know this about
myself. I was so normal and he was so not. And still I stayed.
I think he was like a drug for me and I became addicted.
Thanks for your support and reminding me that I need to be
strong. And I would really appreciate hearing from you again and
anybody else who can keep me on the right path going away from him.