By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
This is an interesting topic: how to handle friends who are trying to help you in unhelpful ways… dispensing unwanted/unasked for advice (when all you wanted was someone to listen)… meddling… judging you for your timetable in “getting over it” or being with someone they think is wrong for you but you don’t see it (yet?)…
In my experience, these friends are sometimes narcissistic and spathy, and sometimes clueless but well-meaning. Some of them are relatives and less easy to cut out of our lives. I choose to seek new friends who are mentally healthy and supportive, and keep the relationships balanced and respectful, with good boundaries, etc.
However… I am also choosing to stay in contact with some childhood friends who have more porous boundaries. And not just totally cut them out of my life.
Some people, like my sister, I am choosing to stay in relationship with, but I am exercising my boundary “muscles” with her. She can be very meddling, judgmental and intrusive. I used to just keep quiet to keep the peace with her, but I have learned recently to be more direct when she oversteps. And… surprise… she is responding to it! I think our relationship is actually improving because I am becoming more assertive.
I am also learning to be a more assertive friend, if they overstep. Whereas in the past I used to not tell them, I am learning how to do this in a respectful way (even with humor) or to say, “actually… I just need someone to listen and not offer advice right now.”
I have found that the friends who “get it” when I assert a boundary are the ones I want to keep. We all make mistakes, some of them through very good intentions, and I also think that, even as I am learning about boundaries (common to those of us who have been in relationships with spaths), so are some of my friends. It is never too late to learn! (for those who can and want to…)
Dear Marie,
WOW, kiddo, you’ve got some heavy concerns….this guy sounds like a complete bottom feeder!
I wish I had advice for you, but I think staying away from the “motor mouth” is a good idea, or at the very least DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING, or you might even tell her DIS-information if you are pretty sure she is feeding it back to the sponsor who is then telling the spath what is going on with you. Sometimes these people can work for you by feeding information that is NOT true to the bad guy. Like maybe that if he doesn’t quit the visitation you are going to go for child support.
Of course if you cut and run at this point my guess is with his name not on the birth certificate, he would have to go to court and pay money (which I bet he doesn’t have) to try to find you.
I suggest that you talk to an attorney before you do anything though, it would be a few hundred dollars well spent I think.
The thing is that whatever you do, getting a TRO or whatever, needs to be well thought out legally. Cutting and running is also an option. I would also recontact the detectives about the claim about the murder. Make them follow up. That might solve your problem. You can also talk to the district attorney in your county and if that doesn’t get some action, talk to the STATE”s district attorney. It sounds to me like this guy confessed to a murder. And if they will do one murder, they will do two.
And yes, he was probably trying to scare you. My murdering son also did the same thing to me to try to scare me.
God bless. (((hugs)))
Dear Oxy,Skylar,KatyDid and all other LF friends,
Can you please give me some advice. I have posted in the past…how my P went to my best friend who was also a Pastor of a large church and for months was telling her lies and setting me up behind my back. With her title and influence and the “cliche” of friends I was in ( all women I had been friends with for 30 years) He knew that if he could convince her…that I would lose everyone. I am asking this because of the post above about friends. At what point do you decide to shake the dust off your shoes and leave, to start a new life? He convinced my Pastor and grown daughters that things were happening that WERE NOT,I was giving them a completely different version and his tears and fake claims of love and concern for me convinced them he was right. Then the P drugged me and I guess I left a msg. “cutting them from my life” even though the night earlier when I crossed him he told me ” I had to cut everyone that was telling me lies against him” and that I would live to regret crossing him. My girls saw my love and devotion….but the fact that I divorced their Dad that was a sex-addict and decieved me and them for 29 years, and they ONLY saw my reactions when I found things, but never his secret lies….I guess the fact that I am saying their are 2 men, HE convinced them that it was “me” and not either of the men. Even though I have the teen porn on my computer of him,and the first confessed to a 29 year addiction.! The next day when drugged I awoke to a mtg a night that I do not remember the words or anything…I was so out of it……but since that day my “Pastor/Best friend” has declared me “crazy” and the P a “very spiritual man”. I know most have heard my story before. SINCE THAT MTG. I HAVE NOT BEEN GIVEN ONE CHANCE TO DEFEND MYSELF OR TELL THEM THE TRUTH. THIS PASTOR HAS TOLD THEM ALL TO BLOCK ME! After 21 months of silence being cast-away from every friends,my Church and my family and watching my them have Christmas and every holiday together and leaving me totally alone,and uninvited…. Cast-off as unlovable, unwanted and uninvited. BUT THAT IS NOT WHO I AM! They continue to be able to abuse me by leaving me alone….and going on with their lives as though I have never lived, or do not exist. It is so SURREAL to watch those that you loved and sacrifice for …..continue on. It is like I died and no one shed one tear…and can continue onno problem while I agonize over my love for them!! I can’t blame them because of the power of gaslighting and manipulation that the P is capable of, but I am seriouslu considering leaving the area. I have a 17 year old son who lves with me…but he is caught in the middle. Should i use a New Year to sart a New Life KNOWING who I am and not allowing my loved ones to continue to be the agents of HIS abuse on Me??
Dear Bellaangel,
Sugar, I can tell you right now, that I definitely know how you feel and there are others here as well. KatyDid’s daughter (her only child) is distant from her, doesn’t care about her, my biological sons, one a psychopath and the other just dysfunctional, are not in my life….and neither is my egg donor, and many of my former friends as well, so my remaining “family” is only a few, but I am quite content to have a few good friends and let the rest go.
We cannot control what others think of us, or believe about us.
I am sorry that you can’t make these people see the truth, but sometimes that is the REALITY of it.
You have two and only two choices that I see. You can allow yourself to be miserable and grieve over the losses you have had or you can go on and build yourself a life without these people. It is your choice. You can’t make these people love you or care about you, and you know frankly if they would believe this guy and treat you this way, without letting you defend yourself, I personally think they didn’t really care much about you in the first place or they would not have cut you out of their lives without a chance for you to defend yourself.
Unfortunately many times we find out that people we have given our whole lives to were not what we thought they were, and did not really care for us at all. I found that out with my egg donor and with my biological sons. I can’t change that. I can only go on and make my own life independently of them. If I let myself continue to grieve over them, over what i have no control over, I am lost, I will have nothing. Life is 99% what we make it, what we allow ourselves to love, and I am determined to love those who are good, caring, kind and who love me in return and to let those people who do not love me go on their merry ways, living their lives, and me living mine. It is really the only choice I have.
God bless. Find yourself a new church, give those people to God to deal with, and make yourself a new life!
Sky, you are so funny…but maybe didn’t intend to be. I am really unfamiliar with texting codes, but am pretty sure I recognize what WTF means…a little levity seems sooo good when describing the antics of these F-ups (ok, I made that one up).
Marie
My initial response regarding your crappy friend was that maybe she had good intentions but had difficulty expressing her thoughts.
I know that friends sometimes forget that I just want to be heard. Many times I’ve had others give advise and assume I would be grateful and follow it…and then become frustrated that things never seemed to change for me…so more advise was offered…from others who have never lived with a controlling bastard and have no experience in dealing with one. So, maybe she simply wanted to shake you up…and change your thinking process. (Actually, thinking outside the box can be very good…especially when confronting on-going patterns of behavior.) …maybe she was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…definition of insanity.
However, based upon the statements regarding his sponsor, she might be fishing for information that can be passed on. Please remember, sponsors were addicts…who knows what their honest intentions might be. Someone might be conning her to gain information regarding what your next step might be…or she could be the con. Regardless of “whose on first”, it is good that you are on guard about divulging any information that might get back to your SP.
Thinking outside the box…what might he think would be the worst thing that you could expose about him? What is his Achilles heel? Is there anything that he is afraid might happen? Maybe you could plant a seed that would cause him to back away. (but be safe…make it plain that someone else… unidentified by you…do not refer to he/she…just a good person who you trust and who cares about your well being…has copies of your information and has sworn to get it to his “friends” and the proper authorities if anything bad happens.
If you can legally move to another state…would you need to come back to go to court with him (or lose by default) or would he have to attend court in your new state of residence (or lose by default)? Please seek legal advise before you make a move that you might ultimately regret.
One thing I’ve learned is to NEVER underestimate a sociopath. They seem to know what they can legally get away with. It’s sort of like David and Goliath…the SP is Goliath. (but David defeated him)
bellaangel,
If I were in your shoes, I would tell my family members my side of the story. Write a letter, telling your relatives exactly what went on during your marriage to the monster. Get it all off your chest. Include with the letter a definition of a psychopath, listing the traits of said person. In your letter, help your family grasp what type of a person you were dealing with, a sick, twisted S.O.B Once they know what really transpired, then the ball is in their court, choosing to do what they want with the facts. I wish you well, being ticked off by the damage that the monster has caused you.
Bellaangel,
I really feel your pain. Your story is my story with a few differences.
When I decided to expose the lies and deceit to others, I did so without considering how absurd my allegations must have sounded to people who failed to recognize that SPs do exist and are purposefully destructive to those they think they “own” and should control. “Normal” people seem to hold the attitude that it really can’t be so bad…if it was, they’d leave!
So, you expose the fraud to anyone who will listen. In the meantime he “sheepishly” lets everyone know that he really loves you, but honestly (grin) thinks you’ve gone off the deep end and need some professional intervention.
The more you expose the more he gains others’ empathy and support. He’s such a caring guy (actor) that it must be a problem with you. Everyone (wrongly) sees a nice guy who wouldn’t harm a flea.
So that’s how the story is perceived…at least my story.
LPMarie,
It sounds like a murder confession as well as a threat to you. I once had a colleague-friend who learned that the man she was dating was a widower. She was uncomfortable about him, because he basically pressured her into dating him… she didn’t like his praise to heaven about her either. She remained long enough in the relationship with him to have him confess to the murder of his wife (electrocution in the baththub, making it look like an accident with the hairdryer). She had a police friend during that relationship who had warned her beforehand it was possible the widower might have been behind the “accidental” death of his wife, and that usually people will reveal their secret to someone years later. People just can’t keep it secret for the rest of their lives.
And that was what happened. She was a witness in the murder trial and he got convicted. Make a follow up visit with the police.
As for your “friend”. No, I wouldn’t trust her as far as you can throw her. She’s pretending not to have discussed you, and yet indeed discusses details about visitation schedules with the sponsor. I also have this impression that after she “put you down” for “not being over it and blaming only the spath” she figured she scared you off, and now tries to “make herself helpful” in another way: feeding you info. But this “helping” is another poison in a gift wrap, because it also feeds your fears. I see her suddenly feeling as if she has the powerlines under her control: where she can tug at the powerlines to make the sponsor and spath dance to the info she feeds them about you, and tug at your powerlines by having you dance to the info she feeds you about them.
Can we say “narcistic”? Make her powerless: no more info from you to her, except for info you want the spath to learn (including disinformation), and no more info from her to you.
bluejay: I tried emailing them, writing them, anything I could to get them to hear my story. Texts and calls are blocked. Because I found teen and child porn on his computer ( and he maquerades as called to childrens ministry) he went into Hyper-vigilence 21 months ago when I was clearing from the “fog” of the drugs, the realization that this was all planned and was being instigated for MONTHS before I discovered it, and literally afraid for my life. I have been stalked,house broken into, email emptied of all evidence, and for 1 year he did not work a job-he only worked these lies and people. Destroying me was his job! He went to every person he knew I cared about and would slink his way into their homes and lives and lie, cry, and push his diagnose of “Borderline” so that people would build “boundaries to keep me out”. It’s serious business to diagnose someone because it can destroy that person’s life. In our country you have a right to a trial and have someone defend you, but in this Church and circle of “friends” his testimony was all that was needed. …. He convinced my neighbors and everyone of his lies….so that I cannot go out in my yard, go to the store, Church nothing without the looks and stares. I have grown in my faith with God, but this is no kind of life. I have gotten a job and started a business just for stability for my son, but then my son goes with the rest of my family and he is so torn that it kills me to see him in the middle. Example:My son having to walk out of the house on Christmas knowing he would be with all of them, and I would be totally alone all day,that can mess with a teens head!
The “P” thought of everything beforehand. Kind of like “checkmate” before I even knew we were in a game!!
Ox Dover and IMConfused: You got it right. He painted me Borderline so that now when I try to say listen to me they say I am “guilting him”, Not taking repsonsibility for my actions, and accusing this wonderful man for things that he is not capable of doing( porn)…so they are “protecting themselves” from me. It is a Steven Spielberg movie-only it’s my life! I contacted his previous women and the last 2 said he staged an “intervention” on of them, and painted then crazy to their families….only they didn’t buy it and sent him running! So,This time,with my family he used drugs and had me do the unthinkable-to cause so much pain in their hearts they they believed him. It worked. The poor women after me-I have no doubt that he would not kill. I honestly wish he had, as it is so much worse to live in a murdered life, than to be home with Jesus.( his first wife said he would say that he had killed a woman before but she never knew if he was saying that to scare her into control or if it was real) But he gets “off” seeing me struggle and live in rejection and pain.
I had such a good reputation that there is no church I can go. The family lives a mile away, so they continually leave me out. That”s why I am thinking of leaving the area, rather than live in this “reality.
It does look like they didn’t love me..but they are in trauma and shock themselves.
Oh….so much gaslighting: the “P” told me things like ” I see demons in you”, “You live in another reality”.go watch the movie “It’s a beautiful life” because that’s you!(to which I told him to watch ‘Gaslighting’ ’cause that’s him!) …joked about having me “committed”, and I know that was his ultimate….that was the plan, to convince medical personel and commit someone who is healthy based on your control and manipulation. He is a control-freak! When I went into a Dr. appt. and did not let him go in with me he was OUTRAGED and I could never figure out why? It was that was his “in” to my Dr. to try to convince him too!
I have my life, and my sisiter and brothers in another state……but my life was my reputation, my friends, my kids, and the traditions and life I had built. It is sooooo hard
Just busting in to say I finally had it with the craptastic friend and told her I didn’t appreciate her gossiping about my very serious circumstances. It was not supportive. I told her it was best we discontinue communicating, that I was disappointed in her behavior as of late and that it was not productive in a friendship. She responded with yet another looooong drawn out narcissistic rant, diagnosing me a paranoid and talking about how I think everything is about me. It was almost like she wanted to duel in a battle of wits! I thought it was really nuts! I finally saw the martyr behavior in some of her comments and her complete lack of insight into the situation that had developed between us and the resulting anger I have had toward her. I decided to do what my Uncle told me to do when she sent the crazy email in the first place, back in November. I told her to go fark herself. It wasn’t the most mature thing to do, but it was as therapeutic as he said it would be. I’m over NPD, Spaths and your basic craptastic person. I’m not going to hold back, worrying about feelings anymore after someone has completely trampled mine.
I hope it’s not all about me and I just don’t see it!!! I think in periods of extreme stress and serious upheaval in life, the healthy thing to do is to focus on taking care of oneself. But maybe I’m just NPD and/or paranoid and don’t see it!