By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
Imconfused, no I don’t intend to be funny but people think I am anyway. LOL!
Actually, a “WTF? moment” has become part of the Lovefraud vernacular. A WTF? moment is a red flag that you can count on because it comes from inside you rather than from the spath. It is a gut/mental response to a behavior in a spath. If you have an encounter with someone and you suddenly find yourself thinking, “WTF?”, then it’s likely you are in the company of a spath, an N, or someone else who is going to be toxic to you. Back slowly toward the door. No sudden moves.
BellaAngel,
Earlier up the thread, I wrote, “we shouldn’t try to control other people’s opinions”. For me the key word is CONTROL. We houldn’t be controlling of other people because that’s what spaths are. We can put out the information and leave it to others to take it or leave it. It’s beyond our control what other people think. We, ourselves, don’t always have all the facts straight. To the best of your ability, stay safe but don’t let him control your life or that of your son.
Athena,
I read your post about your N-mom directing you and your desire to rescue and fix people. That brings up the image of the martyr. I’m that way too. My mom directed me to sacrifice my needs so that my helpless baby sister would be happy. I could only please her by being the sacrificial lamb. Just like Jesus had to sacrifice himself so his Father, God, would be pleased and humanity (the baby brother) could be happy. When we are little, our parents are like God to us and we want to do what they expect of us. A lot of what we do is because we are still trying to please our parents.
Star, you asked, “When you look back and think about it, do you feel sad? Or angry?”
I’m sort of resentful that I have to be a sacrificial lamb all the time, but not really too much because it’s quite a mental trick they pulled on me. And it’s not a unique trick either, it’s being played all the time on whole segments of society. I’ll explain: They call it an HONOR.
The way my parents framed it, was like, “You are bigger and stronger and smarter than your little helpless sister so you can (give her your doll, do her homework, not get the best flavor, go without new clothes etc…)” So you see, being the sacrificial lamb has its perks, you become God-like. You’d be surprised how much power a god-complex can give a person.
There are no ACTUAL perks, only psychological ones. This is what the aztecs did to many of their victims to get them to willingly march up the pyramids, place themselves on a pedestal and get their hearts ripped out. It was an HONOR because that sacrifice insured that the SUN WOULD RISE THE NEXT DAY. Everybody was saved because of YOUR sacrifice.
We do it to our military personnel too. The HONOR of fighting for your country just means you get shot at, dismembered or killed. Sure you also get a paycheck, but it’s not that big. Then the government tries to take veterans’ benefits away when you come back disabled. BUT that’s OK because you get a BIG PARADE! OH! and a war-veteran’s memorial highway in YOUR HONOR! And also you get your own HOLIDAY! WHOOPI! You WOULD jump, but you’re in a wheelchair. No matter, because you get a 10% DISCOUNT at TARGET! (oh the irony)
To add insult to injury, the law against impersonating a veteran has been struck down because of the 1st amendment (which veterans “supposedly” fought to protect) Anyone having a WTF? moment yet?
There are countless other examples of sacrificial lambs willingly sacrificing themselves because they’ve been convinced that they should bear other peoples’ burdens and that it’s an honor to do so. The military one is just the most obvious one because it’s been done since the dawn of humanity.
What’s amazing is that even though I’m aware of it and know how crazy it is, I can’t remove the feeling of “the god-complex” and the desire to sacrifice for others. It’s completely ingrained in who I am. I only avoid it by thinking my way out of it, but the feeling is still there.
So Star, to answer your question. Does it make me angry? No, it’s an honor.
Bella, I think your idea to leave the area and go live closer to supportive and loving people is a great idea! Living in a war zone or even a cold war zone is debilitating.
Marie, I totally agree…and you probably did go a bit overboard telling her to go fark herself, but don’t beat yourself over the head with it…you don’t need that kind of person in your life, I think though that it is best to just “Drift” away from them rather than an upfront confrontation….but now that it’s done, just forget it! LOL (((hugs)))
Hi LPmarie, well done. Towanda girl. That was brave
LPMarie
Gosh but my funny bone is working out hard today. Think it must be b/c I had that email from my spath and I can’t stop laughing at how ridiculous the disordered are.
Your post was funny. You’re the FUNNIEST paranoid ever! A paranoid who can’t see! (paranoids see ridiculous things.) HA HA! (I did kinda that same thing. In my first meeting with my therapist, I told her I thought I might be crazy. She Laughed merrily. “Questioning that you might be is pretty much proof you are not.” LP MARIE… SAME for you.)
Paranoid? Nah. You are seeing TRUTH and calling it what it is! NUTTIN ridiculous about naming TRUTH as truth and CARP as carp.
However your “friend” turned out to be what I intuited! She was UNDERMINING you. She didn’t LISTEN to you; she had NO compassion or empathy, NO conscience, NO remorse over how she made you feel. She was controlling and a dictator. It was all about HER. She fits the 1st and 2nd degree definition of a JERK and is on her way to being spath (might be why she was so against you, hmmmm? Defensive of what SHE is???)
Paranoid? Narcissistic? (snort) No way. You are the ANTI Paranoid. Telling her to go fark herself, well might not be mature, but I think it a FITTING END of her. I can’t help but laugh WITH YOU at how good that must feel. LF members must claim their little victories when they happen and you have a classic to claim. Bravo LP Marie.
Towanda!! TOWANDA!!
KatyDid, I was sounding so paranoid that my new therapist had me bring in documents and witnesses….I laughed when he very nicely asked me to do that! I said “you think I’m a paranoid nut job don’t you? Because I’ve said ” my entire family is trying to kill me” LOL He just smiled and I brought in a witness and documents–when I hired an attorney to fight my son’s parole hearing, my attorney didn’t believe me either until I mailed him the documents, then he called me back and said “Your son IS A BAD MAN!” I told him “yea, you didn’t believe me either did you?” Actually, there’s a lot of people who thought I was nuts, and that’s okay…because I KNOW THE TRUTH. That is the only validation I need. The rest is just gravy!
So Marie isn’t crazy or unnaturally paranoid—just cause you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to get you! LOL
Skylar,
Yes, I was at first shocked at the truth of the sacraficial lamb. Then horrified at the military part of it! You know what you’re talking about.
My husband served in vietnam. My twins boyfriend who is older than my husband said “don’t do good on the firing range” LOL After ten months they wanted him to reup…he told them to go eff themselves. Good for him…He got drafted, had no choice, go or go to Canada (I woulda went there). But because of that experience he knows what we know now only 30 years ago and where was Alex Jones then??? LOL
Yeah, it was a real honor for him to come home and be called a “baby killer” spit at in airports etc.. you know the drill. Now they put up the big facade “hero” ugh..no health benefits, no help with jobs, housing, etc…but “hero” gag.
Sorry, went off on a tanget. How are YOU?
Hi Ana,
I’m doing OK. Spath continues to email me. On Christmas he sent me a link to a cute video of a cat and an owl playing. He never sent me stuff like that when we were together. He’s working the emotional angle because he knows I love cats.
How about you? Did you take Lil to the vet? I know this is a hard week for you.
Yes, people manipulating other people’s emotions is as old as the existence of spaths. How else are they going to get people to kill each other? Every warrior culture manipulates in this way. Spaths do the same thing on the world stage that they do to us in our living rooms, except on a larger scale.
I hope you’re doing OK and that your week gets better.
Strongawoman,
I feel good for standing up for myself. Wish I had stuck to appropriateness, though. Oh well! It’s been really long time since I’ve said that to anyone, and surprise, surprise, the last one was a N as well!
Ox Drover,
A very sheepish “I know.” It felt good for all of 10 minutes. Then I felt badly about it. But I just get so frustrated at the seemingly endless string of crappy people I seem to attract. Or maybe it’s due to me not being well versed in assertive behavior and not insisting that certain boundaries are not crossed. I’m becoming healthier, though. I’m gonna take your advice and just forgive myself for being human. It’s already done!
Earlier you posted with some suggestions. I wanted to clarify that he is ordered to pay the bare minimum of support. And he still doesn’t pay it! I’ve gotten less than $70 since August. Unfortunately, he is on the birth certificate. She has his last name. Oh, so many mistakes I’d like to erase. The good news is that if I have to stay here for a while, it will be easier on her to have a Hawaiian last name. She will be accepted despite how white in appearance she is.
He doesn’t have any money, but the NPD mom does. She has already had a lawyer contact me when they thought I didn’t register for supervised visitation. I did, but they misspelled my name. It’s all documented in case it comes up in court.
I’ve talked to attorney’s previously, and I had one represent me when I got the TRO, but I agree, it’s probably time to meet with another one. However, the retainer is more in the thousands in my geographical region. So, I’m going to keep evidence, build a case, and if I do get a summons, I have a good one in mind who gave me free advice prior to the custody case. I can’t imagine any judge in their right mind would allow him to have unsupervised visitation until he can demonstrate a longer period of drug abstinence. He’s a meth addict with a nearly 30 year history. And, he has admitted to it in court documentation. I would just need a judge to realize that like most Spaths, he is capable of short periods of good “performance,” but anything requiring a longer period of sustained effort is impossible due to his habitual impulsivity. If I could get that very real fact demonstrated in evidence and in relation to her safety, I think we would be in the clear. But then again, we are dealing with a Spath, and all bets are off.
I called the detective and left a message. I wasn’t aware that I could contact the district attorney, that’s an idea if I don’t get any response in the next couple of days.
I’m sorry your son is a Spath. Dr. Leedom said in her book that it is the hardest on mothers of Spaths. I can’t imagine what it is like, especially since he tried to have you killed. Frightening”
God bless you and thank you for your support. (((hugs)))
Darwinsmom,
I think u were right on target about the now EX friend. I’ve been reading on the daugthersofnarcissiticmothers website and I can see clearly now, after some really hurtful stuff, that I was in a “friendship” with a NPD person. Maybe now that I am weeding out toxic people, I will have a better recognition of healthier friendships when I do find them.
Imconfused,
That David and Golliath analogy is perfect. I am constantly learning that when it comes to the Spathy ex, anything is possible. We went to court for custody/visitation. With him back in prison, it was very easy to get pretty much what I wanted. I didn’t know he was a Spath at the time, but I did feel he wasn’t going to be a positive influence in my daughter’s life and could not see any benefit to a continued relationship, to which the judge replied “Well, he’s her father.” Even though I have a TRO and she is covered by it, she still has to have 2x a month supervised visitation with him. What I got out of the info from the motor mouthed ex-“friend” is that he is planning to take me to court for much more visitation. He’s doing the whole drug rehab game, too.
This is just a game to him. When he could see this baby every single day before he started using drugs again, he didn’t bother. He didn’t even want to feel my stomach when she moved during the pregnancy. He claims it was “fear.” But I know he is fearless. It was because he didn’t care. She was like an “anchor baby” into my lifestyle. He thought I would hold onto my dreams of a family at all costs. He underestimated me and what I would do to keep my daughter safe. I cut ties with him and his whole family more than 5 months ago. Best decision for me and my stress levels. Yet, I know he will escalate because he wanted to devalue and discard me, but somehow I was the one who did it to him. Though I didn’t see it in these terms. It was self-preservation and safety for my child” I think it was also some protection from God. I could have never pulled off what went down. I didn’t have an extra penny for childcare, etc. I can finally believe there really is a God.
Bellaangel,
I am sorry for your pain. I had someone do something similar to me on a smaller scale. It only cost me the friendship of my dearest veteran buddy, and I still grieve for that lost friendship, so I can’t imagine how horribly your experience feels. I don’t feel qualified to give you advice, but I just want to tell you that there is hope for a new beginning for you. Although we lose many things due to the antics of disordered people and the destruction they cause, we can refuse to let them destroy us. Big (((hugs))). Hang in there.
Katydid,
You sure did call it! I had a hard time seeing her for what she was. Your last post really cemented it for me. She really didn’t listen. Still wasn’t listening. And for all the years of therapy she claimed to have, she still couldn’t call a feeling a feeling… She would name a thought as a feeling. “I feel that… and follow with some judgment. I was taught a feeling was like angry, happy, scared or whatever. She was telling me how her mom and sister are NPD. Apple didn’t fall far from the tree! THanks for the support and encouragement.
Hi Skylar,
Yes, we took Lil to the vet and had her put to sleep. It was the humane thing to do. But, husband and I cried cause we loved that lil girl cat! We know she is in a better place and that brings us peace. Thank you for your concern.
It’s funny you say warrior culture. Bhagavan Das says: Army Religion. I’ll havta send ya his video next. Oh, you’ll love it, I promise 🙂
Dear Ana,
I’m sorry for the loss of a beloved pet. She IS in a better place. (((Hugs))) to you.