By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
It breaks my heart to hear about that poor little 9 year old girl. When it comes to my daughter and her safety, I will admit to being completely paranoid. This is an area I refuse to take a chancre in. If I get the slightest intuition about a potentially unsafe person, the person is out of my life, no explanations.
My intuition is getting better and better these days. Or I should say, my ability to honor my intuition is improving. I’m learning to respect what I feel, even if I can’t understand why or my brain tries to cook up a “benefit of the doubt” scenario. If I get one of those gut signals, it’s time to pay attention.
Although 99% of pedophiles are male, I believe in the early days of splitting with Spathy and his twisted family, my daughter and I were being targeted by a female predator. Her behavior was right out of “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin De Becker (a book on protecting children/teens, he also wrote “The gift of fear” which I haven’t read). I had the good fortune of being in the midst of reading the book when I meet this slimeball. I would get these signals of alarm in the solar plexus around the woman. I had been taught to discount my feelings my whole life, so initially I was doing just that. I was at an event with her and her sister and she took my daughter into a different room while I was talking to someone else. It took me a second to realize what had happened, but when I did I dramatically burst into the room and gave her such a look that she looked visibly uncomfortable. I said that I didn’t like my daughter to be away from me, ever. She lied, saying she told me that she was taking her in the other room. I didn’t confront the lie, but it did snap me into focus very quickly about this person and her intentions. Soon thereafter, she came by my house with a gift for the baby. It smelled like she had sprayed her perfume on it, it was the weirdest thing, I can’t explain it.
The tactics she tried on me were literally right out of the pages about persuasion predators. I blew her and her sister off with no explanation, and am distant when I run into them (they live next door, unfortunately, but I am rarely home to bump into them). I really liked the sister, who told me a story about how the entire family cut them out because of her slimey sister, but she never revealed the WHY of the story. And she also indicated how her niece wouldn’t hug her sister, etc. Later on, when thinking about the situation, I realized those may have been the subtle clues. The woman was slick and initially very comforting to me in a vulnerable time. Just like Spathy was!
I like what Ox Drover wrote:
“People just don’t think “s/he could do that!” but they CAN and I realized that even if no one believed me, I HAD TO BELIEVE ME and take care of ME! Even if I was the ONLY one in the world that believed what I knew, it was OK, because I really didn’t have to have outside validation. I could validate myself.”
That’s what I am working on these days. I have to be okay with the idea that people might think me paranoid or off in some other way, but it’s okay. What matters most is that I live in REALITY and validate my experiences.
Oh yeah, one more thing. When I saw an image of Jerry Sandusky on TV, I got another strong shot to the solar plexus. Something about him reminded me of this predatory woman I just described above. It’s one of those things that I cannot explain, but I trust that my intuition was on target about this woman and her intentions.
Marie,
good call on listening to your intuition.
Our guts KNOW things. My gut told me spath was a predator the very first time I saw him, but I didn’t listen. That got me a 25 year sentence in hell.
Oxy
According to the article I read, the wee girls Grandfather was a pedophile. The murderer was Grandfather’s caretaker. Grandfather died. The murderer was still living in Grandfather’s trailer. That’s where he was “babysitting” the children. That’s where he beat a 9yr old with a brick, and dismembered her body.
If you’re a mom and know that Grandpa is on the sex offender list b/c he’s a pedophile, why would you move to be near him?
What kind of guy does it take to be the caretaker of a pedophile?
Why would any mom have the guy who was taking care of a pedophile Grandfather be the one to babysit your kids?
Does NOT surprise me that Grand MA was in denial about the murderer. She’s in denial about a LOT.
LPMarie
I too had the gut thing about Jerry Sandusky.
I went to university with a guy who gave me the creepy vibes and I mean STRONGLY gave me a slimey feeling. I thought it was b/c he reminded me of my cousin who molested me when I was a girl. So I talked myself into being friendly b/c it was not fair to condemn someone just b/c he reminded me of my childhood sex abuser. The Univ guy? He married, taught high school accounting, and he/wife adoped or fostered several children. He was arrested 8 years ago and is now serving time for multiple child rape. He’d been raping every single one of those foster children. His wife was a social worker. He just got to pick whatever kid appealed to him.
I learned that if someone gives you that “vibe”, it’s not b/c they have the same hair as a childhood pedo, it’s b/c they have the same MANNER as a known Pedo. Your brain perceives before your conscience processes. They say abused children have highly developed intuition. I know that’s true for me. So IF someone makes me feel icky, there is NO HARM done to them if I assert solid boundries. As you so rightly stated, YOU know your heart, someone does not feel icky b/c you’re a bad person; there’s that icky feeling b/c something about THEM triggers that response. You can and MUST believe in YOU.
ps Pedos are just as likely to be females as male. That 99% statistic is not supportable.
Marie, lyour comment that 99% of pedophiles are male is WRONG! Unfortunately, go to the female offenders link on the blog roll links on the left side of the screen. Blogger T who posts here sometimes (used to more frequently) this is his web site. He is an expert on the FEMALE sexual offender and unfortunatly about half the sex offenders are FEMALE they just are not reported or convicted as much because even the police don’t recognize the reality of the FEMALE offender. So protect your child from ANYONE who might be an offender.
Also read dr. Anna Salter’s book “Predators” she is an expert on pedophiles and the book will help you distinguish people who really love children from those who are “grooming” children.
READ READ READ!!!!!
Skylar,
I saw a lot of red flags with ex Spath, too. I didn’t know how to trust my intuition at that time. I think only by having my daughter did I learn to trust it. I’m sorry that you had to suffer 25 years with your ex Spath. 🙁 At least you are free now and on here helping me and many others by sharing your experience and wisdom. I know I personally benefit by what you have to say.
KatyDid,
Both you and Ox Drover pointed that out about the stat being wrong. My bad and thanks for the correct info! I read that stat from “Protecting the Gift.” I’m not sure which year it was published, so it could just be outdated info. Or Gavin De Becker’s opinion. I totally agree with you that abused children have highly developed intuition. That’s basically the premise of De Becker’s book. He grew up in an abusive environment, those honing those survival skills and now sharing them with others to promote safety.
I’d been taught to supress my feelings for so long. And I am frequently disliked in disordered systems when I make observations and eventually find the need to speak up about things. I am typically that gets called “too sensative.” I’ve gotten to the point where I tell people “Maybe I am. Or maybe it’s that you aren’t sensative enough?” LOL, I’m getting very bold now that I’m a Mama Bear!
I am going to do just what you say and believe ME! So what if I’m wrong? I’d rather be wrong once in a while than allow someone access to my darling even once 🙂 I wish I could show her off to everyone here on LF. I know a lot of mothers feel this way about their little ones, but she really is a little doll! I would do anything to keep her safe and preserve her innocence.
Oxy,
Thank you for the book suggestion. I will find it on Amazon. It would be nice to be able to know the difference. I don’t want to be extremely paranoid. But I do want to be exceptionally cautious. I’ll check out the site you recommended, too. I can never get too much information to promote the well being of my babes!
Marie, it is only recently that women are being prosecuted and you will notice more and more female teachers are being prosecuted for having sex with their male (and female) students….part of it is ATTITUDE too. If a 16 year old girl has sex with a 35 year old man it is Statutory rape, but if a 16 year old guy has sex with a 35 year old woman “he got lucky”—-NO!~!! it is the same thing! But people are starting to look at the molestation of young men the same as young women, it will just take time.
Women are less likely to be caught now too….and always have been. So I guess there is a learning curve even for some of the people considered experts (and I DO consider Gavin DeBecker an expert, but that doesn’t mean he knows everything about everything!) LOL
Ox Drover,
The whole pedophile thing is just so scary to me. I want to live a normal life with my daughter and not instill undue fear in her, yet at the same time keep her safe. It’s good to know that female predators are not the rarity I thought they were.
This female predator I was posting about watched PBS kids and was singing songs from the shows my daughter liked, etc. But I never got an “Awww, how sweet” feeling. It felt off somehow. She’s hiding out in a religious group that is highly child centered. I want to warn people, but I have no “proof” other than my gut. She’s charasmatic and well-liked. The pushy, manipulative side of her was revealed to me in private conversations, or in front of her sweetheart, but in-denial sister.
Woman as predators is so unnerving to me, because as a culture we tend to revere our woman as mothers and those that take care of and protect children, not prey upon them sexually. Vomit!!! I looked at the book you recommended on Amazon and the cover tells the story… A sheep with a big wolf shadow behind it.
I’m constantly learning on LF! Oh, and update… I got the nerve to call ex Spath’s sponsor and ask him about the conversation with the craptastic ex friend. I told him I realized this was an awkward call to make and I wasn’t trying to do any third party communication or fish for information on my ex. All I wanted to know is if he thought I or my daughter were in danger. I read him excerpts from the emails that scared me. He said that if he felt I was in danger, he would have called and warned me. He admitted to talking about me with the craptastic ex friend, but said she grossly inflated what was discussed. As I have experienced this with her in the past, I believed him. I won’t continue to call him or anything, but I feel reassured after talking to him. We both summed the ex friend’s behavior as trying to scare me or continue to attempt to control me… So creepy, but at least I will sleep better tonight. The past two I have been hyper-vigilant. Every noise was him breaking in, ready to kill me.
Good Marie! Good for calling the Sponsor….this crapastic friend (I like that word, I’m stealing it!) was obviously trying to create drama and like you said control, so good she is out of your life.
Good job listening to your gut!