By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
Well, the link won’t work anymore… the dj’s were released and revealed the last figures of the funds raised… over 7 million euros. It was 5 million euros last year. Heck nobody had expected this. The Flemish are 7 million people, so it means at least one euro per person was donated, in a week time.
Sadly enough this was the last music for life edition. But everyone begged them to continue. They won’t as they have done since 2006 every year. But the national television agreed to take on a pulling role for next year to give people a focus to do crazy fundraising tactics.
I know it’s sentimental and feel good… but it makes me we wheep every year to witness a week of solidarity with the poorest, economic crisises and politic differences put aside, and a giant communion to gather to make a difference to people they don’t know, never will know, on silent disasters of each and everyday that never make the news.
It gives me hope, kinda like the fishhead post and message… spaths eat THAT!
Hello, fellow LFer’s. I am requesting a bit of advice. A coworker has invited my daughter and me to Christmas at her house. The problem? They live on the same street as Spathy and his family. I am NC with all of them…
Am I opening myself up to drama if I attend? I don’t want any nor would I like to spring that on her family after their gracious invitation. I don’t think the NPD grandma would risk the potential embarrassment of a confrontation in front of neighbors, but with Spathy, all bets are off.
Not sure what to do for Christmas with my daughter, and this seemed like a great idea until she started giving the address…
Ohh dear, LFMarie, what a conundrum!
Personally, I wouldn’t be going anywhere if I was likely to bump into ex spath or relatives thereof.
Perhaps you could ask if they are invited? Depends on how well you know your work colleague.
Or just graciously decline.
Stay safe.
LF Marie,
I agree, I would decline and explain why, or I would go and take a taxi so my car wouldn’t be visible to the spathy X, or, if the house is close enough that there is no way you could get in and out without being seen, then I would just decline and tell the friend from work WHY. That you would love to come but you don’t dare risk him showing up and making a scene where the cops would have to be called.
An intimate Special Christmas at home with your daughter, or go out to some buffet at one of the swanky hotels. My step son and his family have a tradition— they go to a movie on Christmas day and eat at one of the swanky hotels. START NEW traditions!
So good to hear from you Oxy. I think about my good friends, especially at Christmas time and the Lovefraud bloggers were so helpful to me – and I never forget that.
And I see Oxy that you are still here supporting and that is so important. I have just had a conversation with a friend who has a romantic dilemma and I realised that being on the other side of the fence and being able to offer that balanced and real straight forward experience to others is so helpful – you really are the matriach Oxy.
Yes, I mentioned that my P troubles are far behind me and I learnt alot from the experience in a difficult way and that no contact was like weaning myself away from a bad influence. Yes, both you and I know it can be done, the pain DOES go away, good sleep returns, the mental trauma is replaced by peace. It can only end, because I made it end. For a one year relationship, it took me over 2 years to get over the worst of it, because I had health problems too. Now I think of it, I am 4 years away from that awful time and the experience has changed me alot. I have better boundaries, I say it, like I see it. I am still in contact with Mysticmud and we try and meet once a year. Mysticmud is also doing well.
I wish you Oxy a wonderful and special Christmas – as so deserved by you!!. Festive wishes also to all the Lovefraud bloggers.
PS I will pop in again soon. Lots of Love from Bev XXXXXXXXX
PS to Oxy. I thought you had an article published, I will contact you. Love from Bev (Angela) XX
Strongawoman and Ox Drover, thank you for your suggestions. I agree, safety is key. Sometimes I wonder if there is still a part of me that is hooked into the drama. Maybe so, but I’ve got that little chicky to think about and that reality drives all of my decisions these days. Motherhood really has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Truly. I would likely have stayed in denial about the shambles of my life without that sweet little face looking up at me. It woke me up and I became willing to make the difficult decisions and painful changes… but life is getting good again 🙂
My friend kinda knows what has gone down, but she thinks he is just a drug addict. It’s hard to explain to people what he really is. I say the whole thing about lacking conscience and a sense of connection to other humans and I often get the blank stare!
I guess I’m just not feeling very confident about creating good holidays for my daughter. She is only 13 months, so she won’t be that picky. I bet if I fed her mac and cheese and blew bubbles with her in the kitchen she would be thrilled! I’m probably just being hard on myself. We are isolated and I’m working on building a safe support network. It’s hard, we live in a small community where we are the ethnic minority and everyone knows his family. But we will manage.
Happy holidays to the LF community!!!
LP marie,
Yea, people don’t understand the lack of conscience thing.
If you think you can get there and enjoy yourself without him knowing about it and bursting in I would go….but BE PREPARED.
My adopted son is out of state with his biological family for the holiday, and we had our celebration before he left so I’m holding down the fort on the farm, cleaning house and rearranging furniture! Sort of a “busman’s holiday” for me! LOL
Having a big “Norman Rockwell” dinner with all my dysfunctional relatives, pretending we are a “nice normal family,” just isn’t my cup of tea. I do enjoy the memories of some previous holidays though, spent with friends in far flung states with people who genuinely loved me.
Just enjoy that baby! and never forget to take time to blow bubbles with her! Happy holidays!
LPMarie, ha! Yep def know where you’re coming from. People have looked at me a little strangely when I’ve mentioned he is disordered. I try to stick to facts rather than theories….as far as friends who don’t understand the definition of a spath are concerned. As far as my daughters are concerned, however, they see him for what he was. They saw it from the moment I met it!!!
Children are a blessing. My two are grown up now and we are all three very close.
I agree with Ox wise woman that she is. Enjoy that baby.
Enjoy your life.
Peace to you
Ox Drover and Strongawoman, (((hugs))) to you both!!!