By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
LPMarie, if it were me, I would not risk it. I’d probably play it safe. Seems even the thought of it is causing stress, so it may not be worth the stress of looking over your shoulder. I’m 100% over my spath for a few years now. But I still would not even entertain going to a party on the street where he lived. Like Oxy said, there are some really nice Xmas brunches you and the kids would probably love. I know when I was a kid, I LOVED going out to a nice place for a holiday brunch. Good luck with your decision and Merry Xmas. 🙂
Also, you don’t owe them a detailed explanation of why you aren’t going (if you decide not to go). You can say that the invitation is really tempting and you really appreciate the offer, but you have decided to have a quiet Xmas with the kids this year. You could even invite them over for hot chocolate later or something like that if you wanted.
More stuff going on at the FAMU, Gov calls for President to be placed on Admin Leave by the board….
http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/16/justice/florida-am-investigation/index.html?hpt=ju_bn1
The parents of the victim talk about the culture of abuse….
A neighbor I have been getting to know came over with some gifts for the baby and me and also an invite to Christmas with her family… They are no where near Spathy and his toxic mom, so this is what we will do tomorrow. We have a party to go to today. I’m feeling especially depressed today. I was excited about spending some time with the baby, I’m just so overwhelmed with the daily grind of single parenthood. Everything I couldn’t get to this week is still waiting for me… I guess it’s a good thing that dishes are patient!!!
Also, I felt like my friend was giving me sh*t for saying I did not have anything positive to tell my daughter about her father. She knew him and said I could tell my daughter that he was charming. She said that I had to have something to tell her about why I was involved with her father. I said “I was conned and manipulated. The relationship was a con for him!” I don’t know why I’m letting this get to me NOW, but it is. I’m still so angry that I have a daily fantasy of kicking him as hard as I can in the b*lls. Hopefully doing permanent damage. Hey, it’s just my fantasy and I don’t stay stuck there all day. I just allow myself to enjoy it once during the day.
I’m doing the right things to get on with my life and feel better. I went on a 3 mile run with the baby in the stroller today, and yet these feelings catch up with me from time to time. It’s frustrating. I just want to be the happy, carefree woman I used to be. I know she’s still in here somewhere, because I have seen her more and more these days. I think that conversation set me back a bit. Why do I need to tell my daughter anything? Can’t I just tell her that her Daddy was a douche??? J/K, but what do I tell her? I have nothing positive to say, and I don’t want to lie to her, but I also don’t want to hurt her with the reality of what he is. Have others struggled with this and how did they resolve it???
Dear LP Marie,
First off, you don’t have to tell her ANYTHING TODAY!!!
Your “friend” telling you what you “should” or “must” do is BOGUS!
YOU get to decide WHAT if anything to tell your daughter WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT….you don’t have to make that decision today or tomorrow even, your child is an infant. SO later.
Worry only about the things that are IMPORTANT TODAY! Today it is important for you to heal…and yes the dishes are patient, and you need to put yourself first.
Your friend may mean well, but she is misinformed and uneducated about psychopathic creeps…so for now, how about you just tell her, “that’s a decision I will make at the time it is appropriate, I don’t have to make that decision right now.”
Your daughter will want to know something about him in time, but right now you have the luxury of TIME being on your side.
Enjoy the holidays and you will have some ups and downs, that’s what the healing road is, lots of ups and lots of downs and you will eventually find that person you were, and actually, BETTER, wiser, less likely to be conned by another douche bag! So you have a Merry Christmas and enjoy your baby! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
LPMarie
Oxy is much kinder about your “friend” than I am. Maybe b/c I had such a “friend” and there was a big blowup when she kept seeing HIS side. I didn’t understand why. But I did come to understand that someone who invalidated ME and my realization that I’d been defrauded and conned by my husband was NOT being a supportive friend and had some other agenda. Your “friend” does not need to know about psychopaths in order to be loyal to YOU. And a “Friend” who is unable to be loyal to you but is Looking out for HIM? is NOT being a friend to YOU. At this time, YOU need friends, you don’t need someone ADDING to your pain.
IMFWO
Marie,
Lots of people say you shouldn’t talk badly to your kids about their father. They say that the kids will eventually see it for themselves.
I disagree.
My exspath’s mom never said a word to her 6 boys about the things that her ex did. She treated him with kindness and respect after their divorce. She only said good things. She never told them about his serial cheating or that he sat in an easy chair for hours while her baby (my ex-spath) screamed in pain from spinal meningitis. He refused to take him to the doctor. She never told them that her parasitic father-in-law verbally and emotionally abused her while her husband did nothing. She only told ME this stuff in the last year of her life, after I told her that her son was sick in the head (I still didn’t know what a spath was, at that point)
When I met spath he spoke of his father’s goodness and his mother’s selfishness. I think he truly believed these things. He hated his mom for leaving his dad. He had no idea what she went through – except for the father-in-law’s verbal abuse, he actually confirmed that. I don’t know if it would have made much difference in my spath’s life, but it might have.
It took 25 years with a spath and the age of 43 before I saw my parents for what they are. Nobody told me they were abnormal so I thought they were normal. I think it’s too bad that my judgement was so skewed about what normal is because of them and that’s how I ended up with a spath.
I think that the truth is so important. Kids can’t always see clearly what is going on and what they think is true, shapes their perspectives on life.
Whatever you decide to tell your daughter, just make sure it’s true.
Marie,
As the child of a psychopath, and as the parent of a psychopath, I can see both sides of the story about what you should tell your daughter.
I knew that my P-sperm donor (I don’t call him a “father” because you have to earn that title by BEING a father, he only donated sperm, he wasn’t a father) had been married several times (the total was 7 I think) and I knew that he lead a “different” style life than his physician parents. I didn’t know though that he was abusive, wife beating, murdering, con-man, thief and totally without a moral compass.
I was curious about him, his life was “exciting” by the standards of a little girl from the country….flying airplanes and international travel, driving expensive cars and “living high.” As a teenager I wanted to find out about this man. Though I knew that neither his family nor mine approved of him, I went to live with him to get to know him. Maybe if I had known more I might have avoided the trauma I experienced at his hands.
I do think you should tell your daughter the truth, but I can’t tell you how to phrase it, but she should be taught about people who are not reliable, who are not honest, who are abusive, you are just plain mean….telling her anything EXCEPT THE TRUTH is going to leave her wanting to trust him if and when he shows up in her life. If you can keep her totally away from him, I advise that. A child deserves to be loved and nurtured—preferably by two nurturing parents, but one good parent is much better than having a psychopath in her life as well.
God bless you and your daughter!
Oh crap. he’s back.
He sent me two more emails in the past week, but they had gone to my “stuff” folder. I just saw them.
He’s not going to stop. He wants something.
oh f*** sky – the first one is a memoir of poisoning you.
and he wants a f***
I’m sorry, Sky, what a “Merry Christmas” present—a reminder of how “special you were” (((hugs))))