By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
Thanks One,
he actually wasn’t poisoning me yet because we ate in restaurants all the time – I paid. That’s why he loved it so much. The poisoning started later.
But he did think I was special – an especially stupid teenager with lots of money.
Oxy,
thank ((you)), he has finished ruining my christmas.
You know, if it weren’t for the fact that my BF told me that spath was having sex with 2 12-year old girls, I might have believed that he actually cared for me at one point. But I remember spath talking about the 12 year old indian girls and I was only 18 at the time. He said, “I’m sad because the two 12 year old indian girls who used to come talk to me, won’t talk to me anymore. I think they’re mad at me.”
My brain should have said WTF? I guess they were special too.
Sky ~ I am so sorry that the thing has raised it’s ugly head and just won’t go back in his hole. Stay strong. I just had to write this before Grand gets up and starts tearing into gifts.
Because of people like you, Oxy, Katy, Panther and many others here on LF I was able to come through the “Christmas visit” with a new set of eyes. You wrote something to Tami about spaths being “empty”, never being able to fill themselves with enough attention. That is just what I saw in the P daughter last night, an empty shell of an individual, desperately trying to fill herself with attention and failing miserably.
I could look around and see that the life she had been telling me about for the past year was nothing more than fabricated lies. Without me saying a word, she knew that I knew. It didn’t even bother me to gray rock, it came naturally.
When we got home, I could not even put into words how I felt, almost a type of pity, I guess. Not the kind you have when you fall for a pity ploy, just a feeling of what a terrible waste, what a terrible waste. Almost like I was embarassed for her.
Grand said he was glad we went and glad to go HOME to our house. We sang Christmas songs all the way home and looked at the lights. Today we will have a REAL Christmas. She will be seeking attention from people other than us.
Thank you, you can’t imagine how much I mean that. Sky, you are SPECIAL and he will never know that.
Merry Christmas all my dear, dear friends.
Oh Sky, why do you allow this? Why not just close the email account? He keeps renting space in your mind, which means you cannot be completely free. And as long as he has a means to get to you, he probably will. Do you really want to stay connected to him for the rest of your life?
I had a bit of a toxic Xmas myself. I had a second date with a guy I’ve known for a few months. He took me out last weekend and we had a really good time. So I cooked for him yesterday. He came over bearing a beautiful orchid. Then he promptly told me very nonchalantly how he was talking with a womanfriend at work and telling her how he can’t meet any women. He doesn’t understand why – he’s attractive and has his life together, but he can’t get a lot of dates…. I stood there with a stunned look and (sarcastically) asked him if he wants me to set him up with my girlfriends? Then after we ate I told him it hurt my feelings when he said that and asked why he said that to me. It all went downhill from there. He accused me of being too sensitive and proceeded to list all of my faults, to which I responded, “Well if you don’t like me, why are you here?” And then I asked him to leave. I feel really toxic after the interaction and hurt from his comments. It’s been a really long time since I ended a conversation with “f*ck you”. It’s not really my style.
I try so hard not to hate men. Really I do.
Merry Xmas, everyone!
(((((Star,)))) sometimes it’s the only way.
Hello All,
I am sad for those experiencing a hurtful Christmas. I hope you end the day doing a loving and honoring thing for yourself.
I am sad for SKY. Her words of NC NC NC have been SO valuable to help me separate my spath and discern his behaviors from MY behaviors. When I was able to ID and CHOOSE my behaviors, I stopped reacting, and starting chosing my response. I wish I could contact Skylar and repeat her words back to her, SKY…. go NC NC NC. He can’t ruin your Christmas without your permission.
Star,
I am sorry your date did not go well. I am older and as such, those type of holiday dates are ENORMOUS pressure on a guy, never mind a jerky guy. Christmas was your second date? And You cooked? Wow. That’s moving things VERY fast. Maybe, and it’s a big MAYBE, he was setting a clumsy boundry, that he wasn’t ready for the seriousness such a date and day would imply? He did stick his foot in his mouth, but to me, he sounds nervous and defensive. Guess I am used to men saying stupid stuff that I usually say something smarty back, like “yeah, I hear Santa has the same problem. Lots of women sit on his lap but he can’t get to second base.”
Or maybe my perspective is all wrong…. that in a dif generation, cooking for a man on Christmas doesn’t mean what it does to my generation??
In either way, I am so sad for your Christmas and pray that you choose to end your day with magic.
All my best,
Katy
Stargazer, I actually belly laughed at the guy—maybe he has aspergers or something….what a JERK! I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, but I think the “Fark you! Goodbye” was the appropriate response! LOL
I liked your comeback to him “do you want me to fix you up with my girlfriends?” LOL Good comment! I would have thought about it today, not on the spot!
You know what the jerk was—a JERK, TOTAL AND COMPLETE–so at least you didn’t waste any more expectations and time on this creep! You won that round, he showed his real spots early on!!!!
Milo,
Hurray for you! You got through Christmas Eve with her and she didn’t slime you! That’s a breakthrough milestone.
I don’t know how I first came to realize that they had the emptiness, but later, I was reading a book about Borderline PD and that is exactly what BPD’s describe. There is an overlap of symptoms in the personality disorders. And yes, I understand the pity – it’s more like sorrow, because you’ve accepted that there is nothing you can do – the only purpose in their life is as an example to others of how not to be.
With my ex-spath, I feel sorrow too. I know that he really does miss me: he misses hating me and sabotaging my life. It’s pathetic. What kind of person would want their life to revolve around hating someone who only loved them?
It’s great that you are modeling gray rock for Grand. He is observing and learning without you having to say a word.
Star,
I’ve always known that he would never be finished with me until one of us is gone. This man has the most extraordinary will power of anyone you’ll ever meet. He will hold a grudge until death. He told his mom, when he was 12, “I will hate you until the day I die.” 45 years later, h does. His hatred of me is derived from repressing his hate for his mom. I’ve read that being a spath comes from suppressing all feeling and living through will power alone. I can attest to that, from observing Spath. He is the most willful person you can imagine. And he prides himself on that will power. The problem is, that he has usurped God’s will, for himself and consequently aligned himself with Lucifer who did the same thing. If you don’t believe in God and Lucifer, it works as a metaphor too.
Anyway, my point is that he will never let go and I know this. So I’d rather be aware of the ebb and flow of his hatred, than be caught unawares.
I would not have been offended by your date because I lack boundaries. I would have felt sorry for him. But your gut instinct was right on IMO. He was working a bizarre form of the pity ploy. He may not be a spath, but he was working an angle because of issues he has. Reminds me of Stephen Glass, “Are you mad at me?”
Katy,
My advice has always been grey rock, not NC. Gray rock means to show them no emotion. NC follows naturally because they slither away from not being allowed to feed.
The way I got rid of him before, was by unemotionally pointing out to him that he is a spath and that his behaviors prove it. He hated having his mask ripped off repeatedly. He must be hoping I’ve forgotten. People do forget, with time. But I keep the recordings and the emails to make sure that I never will be vulnerable to his lies again. This time I will try straight NC – we’ll see what happens.
Interesting item: Spath either doesn’t remember correctly or he is testing to see if he can rewrite history (all spaths rewrite history). He didn’t take the picture of me on the motocross bike. A guy walking by with a 35mm film camera took it and later came by with it. Also, the restaurant where we fought over the meat was not the Unicorn, it was Charlie’s and the meat was in a pepper pot soup, not a meat pie.
Oxy, thanks, I needed that perspective! After the shock has worn off, I’m doing a little better. The rejection aspect of it triggered me into something from my past, so I’ve been processing that a little this morning and feeling better. I’m kind of laughing about it now. Wasn’t funny at the time. He’s a latin guy and seems like the type who wants to be in charge of a woman. Totally cured my fascination with latin men. LOL
Katy, being Jewish, I am not really into Xmas, so it wasn’t a big deal to have him over yesterday – we just happened to both be free that day. I don’t know what meaning it had for him, but if it was meaningful, he sure didn’t act like it. We’d actually spent a bit of time together, reading in Spanish, and doing things, but it never had a romantic overtone until recently. That’s why I considered it the second “date”. Technically, we’ve been dating on and off since summer.
You are probably right in that he was saying that out of some kind of defensiveness, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. He asked me after that if I had any trouble meeting men. (Not sure again why he would ask me that….lol). Know what I said? I was very honest. I said, “No, I have a lot of guys interested in me, but none of them really get my attention.”
Hugs to all, and thanks for the responses, everyone.
P.S. Is it too late to become a lesbian?
Sky, your relationship with your spath reminds me of War of the Roses. Did you ever see that movie? I only wish that you did not have to lay eyes on his drivel. If it helps you in some way, then it’s good I guess. But there is a price, and I’m sorry you have to pay it, even as strong a person as you are. It’s unfortunate you have to have him in your life forever. You think that just being on the receiving end of his emails and never responding will keep him at a safe distance? Don’t you think he will want to up the ante at some point?
So you would honestly feel sorry for a guy you were dating who said to you, “Gee, I can’t seem to meet any women.” ?? I wanted to smack him. All the guys I could have spent time with, I wasted it on this a**hole.
Seriously, is there some way to turn myself into a lesbian?
Star,
Whatever the reason, cultural or whatever, it doesn’t matter, the guy was a JERK—and the PROBLEM IS HIS, not yours! That’s the thing we must keep foremost in our minds is when someone else acts like a jerk, it does NOT mean that we are responsible for it, or that we some how don’t meet the criteria or that we caused it.
We need to put the BLAME where it belongs. ON THEM!
I think your “issues” are about “rejection” and maybe go back to childhood or teenage-hood, because the thing with the neighbor “boy” threw you into a spin and I think you are making progress with it because this one I think you are working through faster and better! So give yourself a HIGH FIVE AND A TOWANDA!!! And don’t worry about becoming a lesbian, just be a GREAT STARGAZER!!!!!