By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
Thanks so much, Oxy! My rejection issue is over my father’s abandonment when I was little. It’s very large and painful, and I chip away at it a little at a time. I think this is why I’m drawn to these situations. All in all, it’s a positive thing.
And yes, this guy was a jerk – no doubt in my mind. I’d seen a few yellow flags but wanted to investigate further. Investigation over. I understand that there are cultural differences, but ultimately it boils down to, “How do I feel when I’m around this person?” I pay close attention to my feelings, even if I know I’m being triggered. Because if I’m wrong, and they were NOT being a jerk, but I got triggered anyway, then it means I’M not ready for a relationship and I have to work the past out first. Either way, I will never ignore my feelings when I’m with someone. I will never pretend things are okay when they’re not. Been there too many times.
Star,
You are SO right on Regarding becoming lesbian. I’ve thought the same thing! And except for the sex/kissing stuff, being lesbie is very appealing…
In my young years, all us girlfriends were close except when we had a boyfriend, and then we all accepted that we weren’t the important one then. NOW? If the choice was between a date or a night out with the girls, I’d pick the girls every time. So many I have gone Lesbian or maybe I’ve just figured out what MATTERS!!
Skylar
Yes all spaths rewrite history. I think it’s b/c they seem to view everything from a 3rd person perspective, as if they are directors in a movie. Take TWO, umm THREE, no UMm TAKE 40, 41. Boy it sure took me a long time to recognize the script.
Katy, being gay/lesbian isn’t the answer either. My husband’s granddaughter is lesbian and her first long term partner was a psychopathic witch….and look at Henry’s X LOL It isn’t about the sexual preference it is about RELATION-SHITS. I’ve had relationships with good men, I’ve had relationshits with psychopaths and everything in between, but it is about being kind, caring, having a moral compass and a conscience…so in sort it is about being human, and being a good one or a sheety one.
It is about treating others the way we expect to be treated, and also expecting, NO, INSISTING, that others treat us just as well as we treat them.
We know what is RIGHT, and we know what is WRONG—none of us here are in any doubt about what is honest and what is not honest….and we need to expect others to know and behave in an honest and right way, and we need to expect that we do as well. What’s so hard about that?
We just need to REJECT them, and if they don’t like us because we are honest, “then fark’em if they can’t take a joke!”
Ox Drover, Skylar and KatyDid, thank you for the advice and feedback. It means a lot. And the best part is truly that I don’t have to figure it out now, she is still an infant and I have time on my side, as Ox said. Well meaning “friends” cannot seem to grasp what I am telling them about this creep. I’m in such a transitional phase where I have been weeding out the toxic, negative, confusing and energy-draining people in my life. Sadly, there aren’t many who are making the cut. It’s lonely, but necessary. I’ve been reading “Just like his father?” and one of the recommendations is to get rid of those bringing extra stress and drama. Merry Christmas and thanks for the support!!!
?
Dear Marie,
Yea, cleaning out the Rolodex is a difficult task, and sometimes it gets kind of thin when you weed out the ones who do not add a positive spin to your life!
Weeding out those that “don’t understand” and want to still be “friends” with you both….that’s a big cut right there. Then those people who just think you should “get over it and get on with your life, no big deal” those too have to go.
Friends who are unkind and dishonest are the first that need to go, because if they will be dishonest in one part of their life, they will be dishonest in the part that effects you eventually.
Try not to worry about things that are not going to happen today or tomorrow, only focus your energies on today, just TODAY, and taking care of the things you need to do TODAY. Plans for the future are nice, but when your energy is limited, we don’t have the energy to spare focusing on the things we can face LATER. Energy is like money in the bank…spend it wisely and spend it on the things that have to be taken care of immediately.
I remember when I was about 3, my egg donor and I lived with my grandparents and the slightly older neighbor kids asked me who my daddy was. I wasn’t sure what a daddy was…was it my “Pop” (grandfather)? After my egg donor married my step father when I was 3 1/2 he became my “daddy” though I knew that my sperm donor was somehow connected, I wasn’t really sure how. Biology is above the level of a 5 or 6 year old. LOL Your daughter will have the advantage that I didn’t have and that was that lots of kids in her first grade class won’t have a “live in daddy” so she won’t be so “different” from her friends.
Who knows, maybe by that time you will have married a wonderful man who will love her as his own so she will have a “daddy” of her own.
Hope you had a wonderful day with her and enjoyed yourself!
Katydid,
Had to laugh at your comment – “all spaths rewrite history”.
OMG that is so true, but I think I really get it now. Something Skylar wrote a few weeks ago has been rolling around in my head.
Spaths actually seem to believe their lies. In the moment they tell them, they somehow lose track with the real world and just say these things that they wish were true, or feel like they could be true, or whatever it is, and they honestly believe it. It’s so infantile, it’s like they don’t have a sense of continuity, they can’t see from point “A” to “B”. So they pick out a point in time and say “wow, wasn’t it great what we had?” and you and I are both thinking, “wait, you were nice to me for 5 minutes and treated me like shit for 5 months?”.
It’s an amazing trait they have.
Athena
Athena
Yes I understand, they do believe their lies the minute they say them. I called it magical thinking until I found the term gaslighting. If he says it’s so, then it is, no matter the facts. That floor is level. That cow is not dead. That was an accident (when I confronted him with screwing our employee). I don’t know why they hate you, guess you just affect people that way.
Katydid
Sometimes I have conversations w my spath in my head. I end up trying to explain my needs, then, trying to explain to the spath their shortcomings, then trying to explain the normal human condition, and I end up in what oxy calls a WORD SALAD.
All because I want him to change what he is is doing. But he can’t change what he is doing, because what he DOES reflects who he IS. Which is a sociopath. Duh.
This PD is mind blowing.
Athena