By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
Star,
my “savior” thing kicks right in! I don’t get angry. I feel sorry for them right away. This doesn’t happen all the time, it all depends on the details but in general I don’t get angry.
I don’t always enable, sometimes my observer takes over and I just watch their behavior and find it fascinating.
For example, when I was 17 right before I met spath, I dated E, who made it clear that he was dating other women as well. I thought that was ok, and I dated M and Spath at the same time. Then E’s 2 other gf’s broke up with him, one at a time. Each time he came to cry on my shoulder. I felt sorry for him but I didn’t really “get it”. Why would he expect to be comforted by me? I just observed. I liked him a lot but he didn’t give me an opportunity to love him because he dated other women. About a week later, spath asked me to commit to him, so I broke up with E too. E said, “I can’t believe you would dump me right after my other 2 gf’s just dumped me.” WTF? I mean what did he want me to do about it?
He wasn’t a spath, just an N, I guess.
Sky, wow. LOL what a tool the E guy was, too! So you don’t even feel angry or hurt? It must be hard to set boundaries when you are not feeling hurt or angry. I have always felt the hurt but kept it to myself. For instance when that Costa Rica dude – the Canadian guy I met there – called me in the middle of the night to whine about his new girlfriend, I just acted like a good friend would act because I missed him so much and thought we could at least be friends. I realized later that I don’t have to be his friend at my own expense. Don’t you know that guy still occasionally writes me and tells me how special I am, even though he is getting MARRIED! WTF is wrong with these guys? I finally had to tell him to leave me alone because I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.
Star,
it’s hard to feel hurt when you are raised to believe that other people’s feelings matter more than yours.
My battery is running low, gotta run.
Skylar
You said something VERY valuable above when you wrote “I guess the only thing we can do is not try to control other peoples opinions.”
BINGO and I’d like to add a little.
I write responses here on LF based on what the poster has written, NOT based on what they know or think (my mindreading button is broken). Sometimes they get defensive at what I respond and give more details that would have changed MY ENTIRE answer. They fail to perceive that I gave MY OPINION, and it is ONLY that. OPINION, based on whatever was THEIR input.
In other words, we can help ourselves a lot by knowing the dif between OPINION and fact. Between ADVICE or RESPONSE and professional counseling. ANd to remember the dif between our OWN OPINION vs the perspective of another. Too much drama occurs b/c people respond to OPINION, their own or anothers, as if it were FACT.
I do think Tami and her family is caught in this trap. I am understanding Tami a lot more now that she has changed the background to include how her mother behaves. No wonder Tami thinks she should be up in her grown son’s business, sad to see the progression of emeshment through the generations and none of them see it for the DYSFUNCTIONAL EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLING behavior that it is. Tami sees her interferring behavior as normal b/c she’s not as bad as her mom. Sonny thinks mom should rescue him b/c others have always taken on the responsibility of others in his family. So no surprise SONNY takes on being responsible to druggies, b/c Emotionally Healthy women who are self responsible would not be NORMAL for him. Until Tami allows him to develop healthy boundries, emotionally healthy relationships are unlikely.
I did want to emphasis your wise words, they stood out as a message for Tami and for us all. It’s good to remember what’s OPINION, theirs and ours, and that OPINION is based on limited input and our own experiences. And OPINION is perspective, it is NOT DICTATION.
Sky, it just hit me like an arrow in my heart how profoundly sad and f*cked up it is for kids to be treated like that (regarding your last post). It happened to me too. 🙁 When you look back and think about it, do you feel sad? Or angry?
In my adult life I have neglected myself for long periods of time and only got reminded through my dreams. I’ll have a dream about a small helpless animal – like a worm or a snake – usually it’s something that doesn’t have a voice – that I have neglected for months and it is almost dying. I feel profoundly sad and regretful and immediately take care of it, giving it food and water. Then I wake up and realize the animal is me I’ve neglected! Maybe this is a little insight into one of the reasons I’m so drawn to snakes. There is a certain helplessness and vulnerability about an animal that has no arms and no legs and no voice.
Stargazer
I wish you could have told the guy who is getting married but still writing you that not only is he a jerk to you (treating you as a back burner girl) but he’s also a jerk to his fiancee. Begging him to consider your feelings is moot (and exposes your vulnerability) b/c that’s obviously not the kind of person he is. Too bad you don’t have a way to forward his email to her. She deserves the warning even if she doesn’t listen. Some DO listen. I would have.
Star, I laughed when you said about your dreams of “helpless little animals” that you have neglected. I kept having that same “theme” dream over and over and over and I would neglect myself to take care of others in my dreams. I was talking with my therapist about this and we both said “CAN WE SAY ENABLING???”” at the same time! Yep, I think we “psych” so much out in our dreams. It may be in a symbol but it is there.
Until the time that I GOT IT about the enabling I KEPT ON having dreams with THEMES in them, the plot was always the SAME, some poor little animal or poor person that was helpless and I neglected myself while I took care of them instead of myself.
I have to laugh, too. Once my step father came to me in a dream and in the dream I was saying to my egg donor that IF I had had the money back when she took in Patrick when he first started his abuse of me and his criminal activity, I would have taken her to court to get him back…and I said “I didn’t have the money” and my step dad was in the dream and he looked at me and said “you didn’t ask me about it.” HE WAS RIGHT. I never talked to him about it ever, it was always egg donor doing the talking, and saying “granddaddy wanted to give him another chance” etc etc. and I realize now it was a LIE, IT WAS HER! Of course it was 20 years too late to realize that! LOL And frankly it probably wouldn’t have made a damn bit of difference in how he turned out. Just that I wouldn’t have been hoodwinked and horn swaggled for quite so long maybe. LOL
Yea, our dreams can answer some of our questions, and sometimes I think they are just “dreams” but not too important or worth remembering even, but at times they give us clues to help us heal. The tendency to take care of others, to put others first, that is NOT healthy “helping” at all. For those of us that that kind of thing is “knee jerk normal” we may have to fight that tendency the rest of our lives….sort of like an addict. I know I still crave cigarettes once in a while, but I’m determined not to give in. Same with the enabling.
Oxy, dreams have always been an important part of my life. Back when I was a grad student, I wanted to be a dream therapist and participated in a dream group for a while. I still think about starting my own.
Sounds like in your dreams, the poor neglected animals represented other people you were taking care of. In my dreams I was the neglected animal. I could feel for the images of little helpless animals when I couldn’t feel for myself. The dreams stopped when I started recovering my own feelings on a consistent basis. I used to be numb emotionally sometimes for months at a time. Another recurring dream I used to have was an ax murderer dream. I was chased by a person with an ax or machete. He was very much like Jason in Friday the 13th. As I got to know this character (who was a part of me), he was someone who was had become very angry and resentful because of his needs never being met. His emotional growth was stunted from neglect, and he took it out on others around him, threatening to “kill” them, which was a symbol for me harming myself by continuing to cut off my own feelings. It was the only way he knew how to get attention. I haven’t had this dream in a while either. As the dream progressed over the years, I did a lot of work on these dreams (both in lucid dreaming state and after I’d wake up) to learn more about the ax murderer and integrate him into my personality. I used the Gestalt method of dream interpretation, which I love to talk about with anyone interested. One of the things I’ve changed over the years is that I take the time often to meditate and tune into my feelings, crying or being angry when I need to. I do this on a regular basis, so there are shorter and shorter times when I feel cut off. I used to always feel shut down at work. Now I even have little meltdowns at work. It’s new for me to be able to cry at work even in the privacy of my own office. It tells me I’m feeling safe to be myself at work. The last time I had a meltdown, I even took the risk of venting with my immediate supervisor whom I’ve had problems with in the past. I showed her my emotion (my feelings related to some things at work), and asked her advice. I think this made her feel valued as trusted as my supervisor. It felt good to lean on her as my supervisor to help me deal with a work issue.
I also think we sometimes get direct messages from others in our dreams, like your stepfather coming to you and telling you your egg donor had lied. I had a direct dream about my sister shooting herself many years ago. I found out weeks later that she had turned herself into a hospital because she tried to buy a gun to shoot herself. Her credit card was denied, thus saving her life. This was a direct communication to me who was living hundreds of miles away and in another world altogether. I hadn’t even seen her in years. But she was crying out for help to me in my dreams. Epilogue: I tried to help her for many years, but she pushed me away, and you all know how that ended – with NC.
Oh, Katy, trust me, I DID go off on the Costa Rica guy and told him he was disrespecting me AND his girlfriend. I unleashed the full force of my anger on him after that call. At least with him, I have always been able to be my true self. This is why I was so close to him.
Many months later, he returned to Canada and sent me an email telling me how special I would always be to him and how he’d returned to Canada for a while. Like a fool in love, I mistakenly thought he was trying to reconnect with me in a romantic way. I wrote back but was very guarded, asking him why he was writing. He never mentioned his fiance. But he accidentally forwarded a joke email to me where he’d mentioned his upcoming nuptials to his cousin. I don’t think he realized it was there when he sent it to me. That’s when I ended it with him for good. I prefaced it with “Out of respect to me AND to your fiance………”
I still had to tell him twice to take me off his mass email distribution list after that. He doesn’t want to break the tie. Oh well, too bad, so sad. I have no interested in being part of a triangle.
Star, I probably always “knew” somewhere that my egg donor was lying, but my subconscious didn’t want to believe it…so I didn’t consciously acknowledge it.
The 18 months I had as my dad’s caregiver before he died, and the time since then to ponder on those times were some of the best times I had with him and made me fully appreciate just how much he did love me, and what he had imparted to me. He wasn’t fooled by my son Patrick, but at the same time, he didn’t stand up to my egg donor. I think in many ways he was as much her victim as I was. I’m just grateful to have had him in my life.