By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!
The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.
Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles
An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.
I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.
In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”
I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”
I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”
Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!
Oxy, you are so fortunate to have had such a caring relationship with your dad and to be with him at the end of his life with no regrets. He reminds me of Dave Peltzer’s dad (did you ever read his books?) who loved his son but could never stand up to his abusive wife.
I do so much inner work on my internal parents because I never had any real ones. I think it’s why I date so much – these men all pull out my feelings toward my parents. It helps me to heal. (And an occasional make-out session isn’t so bad. ;))
Star, the only time I actually SAW my stepfather stand up to my egg donor was the time she was literally beating me when I was about 15, he pulled her off me…she was raging and out of control, kind of like that video of the judge….LOL and I was beligerant as well, determined that she would not make me cry. Me standing up and defying her just made her go off and out of control. He stopped her before it got any worse. She was the one who left the room in tears because she hadn’t “broken” me….and of course the pity play on his sympathy of “how can I handle this child?” boo hoo. LOL But he did stand up to her that time and I will always be grateful to him for that.
The rest of her shiat was emotional. If he did go to bat for me, it was out of my sight or hearing. I never heard them quarrel or disagree– any “discussions” were done in private not where I could hear them. That was a rule at our house, so I actually don’t know what went on behind closed doors between them.
Yes, I was very fortunate to have him in my life, and I realize that for sure. My grandparents as well, though my grandmother was the designated family enabler, she was also very nurturing to me as a young child and as a young adult, my grandfather also offered me unconditional love as well, so I can’t say that I never had any good in my childhood, I had a lot of good things, but wasn’t allowed or taught how to set boundaries. I perpetuated some of the family dysfunctions, as well. Between that, and the bad DNA, it is amazing that I turned out as well as I did.
I read Dave Peltzer’s books a long time ago. Haven’t read them again in years. Just looked up some stuff about him and apparently his father was also an drunk according to what I read tonight and deserted the family, but I can’t remember how he portrayed him in the books.
I realize as well that there are children who are treated as bad or worse than Dave Peltzer—every day the news is filled with children who are discovered dead or living in cages, and that is in the US of A, I know in other countries children are sold as slaves either for sex or labor or both….and even in this country as well. There was a woman in NY convicted lately for child slavery for importing girls to work in her hair weave salon and then treating them as slaves for years.
We actually have had it “very good” compared to many children in a good portion of the world…where girl children are smothered at birth or worse. Arranged marriages with old men, and I could go on. So I guess my whining about what my childhood was like compared to what so many other children experience is pretty lame. I have an education, I have a home, food, clean water, medical care, and clothing and transportation….that makes me WEALTHY by any standard you want to compare it to!
Oxy, you are right – we just had a presentation at the hospital on child slavery and children sold into the sex industry. Very sad indeed. I think we all had to have some good in our childhood to have survived and to have the capacity to care for others. The human spirit is so resilient. Now that you mention it, Dave Peltzer’s father WAS an alcoholic. Though he loved his son, he was very weak and completely unable to stand up to his psychotic wife. He took to drinking and became this tragic figure who abandoned his family. But what was remarkable was Dave’s love and forgiveness of his father and how he hung onto the good things his father did. His ability to forgive – even to forgive his mother – is what saved his life ultimately. This was what inspired me when I read his story. Again, it’s how we choose to interpret events that determines how they affect us.
P.S. What a piece of work your egg donor is.
Yea, Star, she is a “piece of work”—my X DIL the psychopath loved to refer to me as a “piece of work.” The letter she wrote to her daughter from INSIDE JAIL, was sent to her daughter at my egg donor’s address and was actually unsealed, so you know we read it. In fact, I have a copy of it….she told her daughter that “yes, she had done some things she shouldn’t have, but keep in mind she didn’t do them ALONE—and REMEMBER WHAT A PIECE OF WORK Joyce Is!” LOL
Funny, she was calling me a “piece of work” from her jail cell. LOL I hadn’t actually heard that phrase very much until she started to use it.
Yea, My egg donor has a mask that is quite good really, and I’m only now really realizing just how good it is. She is a great actress! While she would not score very high on the PCL-R and couldn’t officially be called a psychopath, she is very high on the manipulation scale and on the “do it my way or I will punish you” scale. I think early on after the “Summer of chaos” I had trouble figuring out “what” she was since she didn’t really “fit” any of the diagnostic criteria for any personality disorder, but I’ve realized now it doesn’t matter if she fits a “square hole” or not….she is toxic, she doesn’t add to my life and that is all that matters.
I’m glad I finally realized that an “accurate” diagnosis is not necessary for NO CONTACT.
Exactly, we don’t need to all be psychiatrists to know when someone is toxic to us. Given your high level of intelligence, I’m prone to think that if some of that came from your mother, then her combination of manipulation and intelligence would make her very dangerous. My stepfather, as sick as he was, was very stupid. This made it easy to know how to handle him most of the time. I could be sarcastic with him as a way of getting my anger out, and he would never even know. It probably saved my life and kept my anger from building to unworkable levels.
Both of my parents and both sets of grandparents were very bright intellectually, but that is a gift from God, not something that is earned! The dysfunction (and alcoholism) is on my egg donor’s maternal side of the family BIG TIME, and the lying, manipulating is on my sperm donor’s maternal side as well.
It is really interesting to see how the manipulation and violence is passed down from generation to generation even though there may not be any connection physically….my sperm donor didn’t raise me, and my son is so much like him in so many ways, even their hand writing is very similar. My son Patrick never even met my sperm donor, and sure didn’t hear anything good about him from me, yet he worships him. I guess mainly he worships him because my sperm donor finally got “rich and famous” so that he had a great deal of power. My son sure likes power and control, but he is laughable really in what even a poor excuse he is for a copy of the sperm donor. At least the sperm donor didn’t go to prison for a common thief.
You’d think that an IQ in the top 1/10 of 1 percentile would make my son smart enough to get away with some of his crimes, but in fact, he is probably the WORST example of the “stupid thief” I have ever seen! He didn’t even try to cover up his crimes because he was SO SURE the cops were too dumb to figure out he did it! They were not nearly as dumb as he thought and he was not nearly as smart as he thought either. I don’t even claim to be nearly as smart as my son, but I could have made and laid better plans for a life of crime than he did for sure. My sperm donor did well covering up his crimes. My egg donor has the entire community fooled, but my genius son is a total failure at crime, yet he doesn’t give up on it. I just shake my head in wonderment! LOL
Above, sky said something interesting…..I am going to take some poetic license with it…….but she said its hard to feel hurt when you are raised to believe somebody elses feelings are more important than your own.
That’s a wow.
This has so many implications.
My mom’s thoughts and feelings and opinions were the only ones that counted.
When she is in my life, I can’t do anything. I feel impotent. She directs, im a puppet.
I am so much stronger when she is far out of the picture.
But the implications of my upbringing extends beyond my mother.
I was taught to not trust myself.
This is probably why I dismissed those Red Flags.
But teach me this….I also rescue people all the time. I also arrogantly think I can fix people. What’s the linkage there? There must be one, I just can’t see it yet.
Athena
So many awesome comments, insight and suggestions. I have a hard time getting on here and responding b/c it’s just me and the baby almost every moment. She is asleep right now, and I’m tired, but I also need “me” time.
I try to get on LF at work, but am also paranoid at getting in trouble at the same time. I hope no one will think I ignore comments or don’t come back to check. I completely appreciate all of you. I depend on the support the people on this site give me. It’s one of my main forms of support.
I’m in a really bad situation but trying to do the best I can. I posted about the craptastic friend and I got a lot of valuable feedback from everyone.
As I try to release this friendship, craptastic friend sends me an email that totally gets into my business and scares the crap out of me. It’s gossip spreading, but the source of the gossip used to be the 12 step recovery program sponsor to ex SPATH and I think ex SPATH told him a lot of scary stuff.
I know that the SPATH told me a lot of scary stuff. Ex SPATH told me he killed someone because he tried to force his then girlfriend into having sex with him. Spathy wasn’t mad that he tried to hurt the woman, but he was mad that they guy tried to do that to the woman Spathy was in a relationship with, though I have come to find out he slept with everything under the sun while in a relationship with her. Anyway, I never knew what to think of it, thought maybe it was a veiled threat to me. I didn’t know he was a Spath, and I was in bad shape mentally and emotionally when I met this low life. I think anything was better than nothing at the time. And his lovebombing made me feel safe and exhilarated at a time I was awaiting inpatient treatment for complex PTSD. (I finally did get the treatment. I went to the program pregnant, determined to heal and give my child a good life, never realizing I was in a relationship with a sociopath.).
As Spathy knew the relationship was ending, he changed the details of the event. Rewriting history, as I have read on this thread! The new version of events would have reduced the crime from premeditated murder to a homicide or negligent homicide. I am convinced he modified the story b/c he feared I would tell.
After I went NC, I told a supervisor at one of my jobs the reasons why I was so afraid of him, telling him about this and he insisted I reported it to the police or he would. When I told the police officer, he and I agreed it might have just been bragging to seem like he was tough, etc. That is until they ran the name against a database and discovered it was a cold case, almost 15 years old. The victim disappeared under suspicious circumstances and was last seen where SPATH said it happened. Yet, a detective never followed up with me. Maybe they don’t care… Maybe the case load is too high for them to care.
Anyway, the craptastic “friend” seems to thrive on drama and her email really shook me up.
I feel like saying screw it all and fleeing, but I don’t know where I would go or what I would do. I have 2 jobs, one of which I could keep if I transferred to another state, but not if I destroy my credit in the process of fleeing. My “family” are not very helpful people. I told them about this potential for violence but they are hell bent on maintaining dysfunction then being supportive people. I’m afraid. I won’t pretend I’m not. I just don’t know what to do.
Here is the part that makes my stomach turn and makes me consider fleeing, and honestly, I think his sponsor might be fishing on his behalf also. He wasn’t the most upstanding guy I’d ever met, either!
Craptastic friend writes: “Spath’s sponsor was asking me about you at the meeting yesterday morning. He asked me how you were doing and I said you were okay. Then he started talking about how Spathy is crazy and you must be terrified. I didn’t volunteer any information, I just listened. He said he didn’t trust Spathy to behave well or get back into the program. He asked me if you had a tro against Spathy and I said I didn’t know. He did seem concerned and worried, which made me paranoid. I just wanted to let you know about that, in case it’s relevant to anything that’s going on with you right now.
I hope Spathy is not giving you any trouble. Sponsor seemed to think Spathy was going to try to get visitation other than what you have set up. He didn’t think that was safe for baby (really). He said only supervised visitation would be appropriate.”
For someone who said she didn’t volunteer anything, her discussion of my visitation arrangement is rather suspicious. Another reason I’m phasing her out. She’s a huge gossip! My uncle said it is sometimes therapeutic to stop being polite and tell someone like her to go fark themselves! I don’t know if she is trying to amp up the drama to scare me or what. But this came in response to telling her I won’t be having her watch my daughter for an upcoming commitment I have as we had originally agreed to. I have hired a trustworthy, professional nanny with 20 years of preschool history and references who begged me not to steal her away instead!!!
Somehow I had managed to surround myself with disordered people, but I’m breaking away from it. I believe that Spathy will try to get visitation other than the supervised he already has, but I am counting on him to get caught up in his addiction again or to be afraid of having to pay more child support, which is what keeps him out of court regarding his first child. He point blank told me he didn’t want to take his previous ex to court for visitation because she’d ask for more child support! We’ve got a contender for “Father of the Year,” ladies and gentleman!
If I get served with legal documents, I’m buying plane tickets. Consequences be damned. I’m just wondering if I should do it sooner. I wish I’d never bought this sinking ship of a condo. Another decision I allowed Spathy to talk me into.
I think I’m just ranting because I’m anxious.
And so, I just read KatyDid’s response to Skylars post in which she said we cannot control the opinions of others. Katy clarifies the difference between opinion and fact and how drama often occurs b/c people respond to opinions and not facts… And I see clear as day that this is how I get hooked in the drama with this woman. I once loved, trusted and respected her. Then her behavior became unsupportive and judgmental. I had put her on a pedestal, as I tend to do with those I care about. I think it comes from having a NPD mother. And this woman was a mother figure to me. So, I am having an a-ha moment! I shoulda read the thread before my prior rant, lol! But, I’m still kinda scared about the Spath. I don’t think he would be stupid enough to hurt me or my daughter, but I do think he is going to try to battle me in court. I don’t see what judge will give him more than supervised visitation with his criminal record and drug history, but he is a charming sociopath and can seem like the nicest, most helpful guy on earth. Really. And I know people here get that! When I was in labor, he was screaming at me, then ignoring me, then acting like the doting partner when the doula arrived to offer REAL support. The act was so good I let the earlier behavior, including him asking me to make my next contraction sound like I was having an orgasm, slip my tortured mind. I was in labor for 2 days at this point, having complications but not realizing it because I wanted to have a natural childbirth… Imagine having a Spathy farker as your coach and getting through it successfully. I ended up with an emergancy c-section instead. Maybe not his fault, but I definitely could not relax with his behavior…