Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I’m going to try one more time to post to this thread, I have had 3 go off into cyberspace–
Henry, keep in mind that the CONDITION tht we would get married is tha tyou had to go straight! I think I have a better chance of finding the “rich, good looking, 30 year old stud” standing at my door ! LOL
The thing is about age–it is more “mental age” I think than physical age. Also how interested in life someone is. I know people 20 going on 60 and I am 60 going on 15 I think! LOL
I spent the beautiful weather and the day doing a little bit of work, but mostly just decorating in my studio (son D calls it my “play house.”) I think I am going through my second childhood! I’m loking at things through the eyes of a child. Like I have been blind for years and now I can SEE—I notice the smallest things that give me joy like a child seeing something for the first time.
A single bloom on a vine I planted years ago just came out today. It is only the second time the vine has bloomed and I just looked at how delicate and beautiful it is–likie it is magic.
For so long it seems I have viewed even the most beautiful sights through eyes that could not see beauty, only pain. Nothing had any interest for me, and now EVERYTHING is interesting.
Moraira, even if your sister had told you, there is a chance you wouldn’t have believed her either. The thing is that many times I have been warned about someone and I did not listen. NOW I LISTEN. Believe me I do. But not before. I was too much in the FOG to see the truth.
Things are not upsetting me now like they did when I was in pain—when yo are in pain yo tend to have a “hair trigger”–at least I do. I either get angry or I cry.
Saturday my “friends” that I had to set some strict boundaries with, the woman of the couple showed up at my gate unannounced after being told CALL BEFORE YOU COME. She “called” as she turned into the drive. I was irritated (but not angry) and realized that she had viiolated my boundaries DELIBERATELY—on the phone she said “If you weren’t home, I wasn’t going to turn into the drive.” (so i realized she had deliberately come when she figured BOTH son D and I would be gone. He had family coming in over the weekend and he was gone to town to visit with them at his sister’s college “family weekend” and I am sure my “friend” thought I would also be gone (she knew about his bio-family coming)
So now I am going to have to e mail her and tell her that I have to have 24 hours NOTICE before she comes here, AND will have to lock the road gate and all the buildings if son D and I go somewhere together.
The amazing thing though, is that I was slightly “irritated” but I was NOT rabidly mad, and I was not feeling “bad” or crying at what she did. I will maintain my boundary. I know that I can no longer trust her but I am not devestated by that. I accept it. It’s not the way I would like it to be, but you know, I can accept it isn’t.
Six months ago I would have been crying or ranting. Now it’s just “small stuff”
Learning to set boundaries, to expect and demand that people respect them, and realizing that if they don’t respect those boundaries, they don’t respect me. If they don’t respect me, why should I worry about “hurting their feelings” by maintaining my boundaries?
Living P-Free–after taking my “S-Cape” medication, the new “wonder drug” is wonderful! Don’t know why I didn’t take a dose 40+ years ago! LOL
moraira43 Hello – Question? Do you think you would of listened to your sister back then? So many of us are warned and refuse to listen because the illusion is so strong and they are so convincing. I was warned by my intuition and I didn’t listen. I was warned after the fact by so many that he was ‘different’ or ‘not the right guy for me’ I would kick him out and all my family and friends were so happy – and then I would take him back – I think they thot I was as screwed up as he was….finally this last time I my son kinda did an intervention and I realized ‘my’ relationship with the P was affecting everyone I cared for…..they don’t understand – they keep saying just get over it – I know they mean well – and I will get past it but never over it…6 months nc now – he left in the spring – so maybe I need to go thru all 4 seasons with out him – maybe next spring I will be past it – he ruined my last 3 xmas’s – this xmas I am really going to try to be in the holiday spirit – hang in there Moraira – 21 years – sheesh can’t imagine…
oxy I think thing’s like the bloom on the vine are little gift’s from the universe that tell us life goes on
Henry and OxDrover your probably right I was madly in love and very naive. He was my first relationship.
Henry it was my daughter that made me wise, although I knew his behaviours were not right I couldnt put my finger on it, I thought he had anger and alcohol issues. she e-mailed me about p’s and s’s and said it was her dad. She had been doing some investigating because she had an intuition about him that he wasnt quite right. She says I am naive still and just believe everything I’m told by him. she is very smart as she is only 14.
she was getting annoyed as he was so nasty and bad tempered with her but he was really smarmy and over the top with her boyfriend, acting like his best buddy, it made you cringe
I hear what your saying Henry, we had every holiday ruined by him. I would save all year and he would always do his disappearing trick at least one night when we were away, cause an argument, and then exit with my money that he had stolen, he would turn up again in early hours blind drunk. This happened every holiday. Once he did it on a cruise, I wish he had fallen overboard. Last holiday to Florida he was behaving very weird and argumentative, realised he couldnt drink and drive probably, made him nasty
goodnight all its 2am in the uk
Dear Moraira,
We all had warnings of one kind or another, but we brushed them aside, or we were too busy or distracted to “do” anything about it.
I really don’t appreciate Christmas at all because for years my mother (an enabler) would cause a fuss because I did not want to have “Uncle Monster” (her brother) at Christmas dinner, I despised him so much that just being around him made my skin crawl.
Mom would go into one of these guilt/crying jags about How by not wanting to have Uncle Monster around I WAS RUINING HER CHRISTMAS, AND I had obviously sinned by “not forgiving him” and on and on. So I would pack up my kids and go out of state to a friend’s house for Christmas. Of course HER “definition” of “forgive” was I had to pretend uncle was NOT a MONSTER. Well, Uncle MONSTER should have been in prison for 1/2 of what he had done.
The old “guilt” trip Mom layed on me over and over and over just turned e against Christmas and Thanksgiving. My living history group started having a camp demonstration on Thanksgiving weekend at a state park near here about 12 or 15 years ago, so I would go there EVERY Thanksgiving holiday to spend it with my FRIENDS and had a great time, and we demonstrated cooking turkey in dutch ovens over a camp fire, etc. It was great! NO stress, no Uncle Monster to ruin my meal.
After Uncle Monster went to meet his maker (I am sure it was NOT a happy event for Uncle MOnster) then I started going to Mother’s for TG dinner in addition to the camp out, but not until Uncle Monster died. Ditto Christmas.
It is a shame that I have such a negative feeling about Christmas especially, and I’ve tried to work on that negative feeling, but havn’t been able to get up any enthusiasm for the holiday especially since we don’t have any young children in the family to “put on the show” for. Maybe this year I will go to the soup kitchen and pass out meals, or a shelter or maybe invite soe people who don’t have any family, or go to a nursing home. I’ll do something that will make the day feel nice.
The way the holiday falls this year during the week, my son C will be able to come home, so he and his brother and I will be together and that is the most wonderful thing.
Moraira, I know what you mean about “wishing he had fallen overboard.” It would be easier on us if they would just “die.” And believe me I have wished mine dead many times, but that too will pass. There will come a time when you don’t truly CARE what happens to them. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Where you TRULY don’t care. Don’t want to know, and if you do know it is “Oh, well…”
It is normal (at this stage in your detatching) to flip back and forth, good days and bad, crying one day, screaming in anger the next, then trying to figure out how to fix him so it will be okay. Don’t let those up and down days “throw” you, it is normal, a part of the grieving process. Google Grief process and read about it, you will see that you will follow pretty closely along the “pattern” of that, and that is normal. You are grieving the “death” of your fantasy that he loved you, that there was hope for the relationship. But once you are through that you will come to acceptence that it is DEAD and that there is no amount of CPR or “life support” going to bring it back. I am keeping you in my prayers, and your daughter as well. (((hugs))))
thanks for that OxDrover, I still love christmas and get excited about my daughter opening her presents, she says she feels depressed at christmas (I havent got to the bottom of this)
I find that when you start to decorate the house it feels like christmas, I think I like all the prep rather than the day to be honest. to get yourself in the mood you should go and watch a childrens nativity or choir singing carols, that is the spirit of christmas. I think the USA do christmas better than the uk, the decoration is much more over the top. Uk is starting to follow the trend though, many more people using outdoor lights and figures now, UK is like mini USA now. I visited US last year for the first time and it is not really much different, same brands etc. Going to a soup kitchen is a good idea
about Xmas – I have 3 granchildren one boy is 8 another is 4 and a girl 4… Xmas has mixed emotions for me but I enjoy all the light’s and shopping etc. It is not a religous event just a big holiday – sorry wini – but usually I spend xmas eve and day alone because my kids have other comittments “oh in-law’s ya got love em’ the past 3 years I thot I was with my partner in life so I tryed so hard to make xmas special and it just iritated him – so this xmas is for me and my grandchildren HOHOHO
Dear Henry,
That’s the way it should be, for the kids! You are fortunate to have grandkids, don’t guess I am going to have any, at least not while I am young and spry enough to be the “fun” grandma. I have some step-grndkids and they are great but are all of an age now that they are having kids of their own, but live so stinking far away I don’t get to see them often. I do get lots of pictures though.
We haven’t bought each other “gifts” for years, just because we really don’t “need” anything and sure nuff not anything else to “dust”! so we get each other books or gag gifts and things like that, once in a while something special, but over all we don’t spend a lot of money on christmas gifts. We do donate to some causes we believe in though and that is someting tht does someone good, rather than us just buying each other “things” just to buy something.
It isn’t like when I was a kid and we really needed things and we got them at Christmas. My wants are simple and I have all the things I need and most of what I want so the guys just get me a fruit cake (I really do like them!) or something like that or some books they know I would like, or a DVD. Now that I am retired, I don’t have the money anyway
Who knows, I may go dig the decorations out of storage this year just to see how they look. Well, when the time comes will figure it out, but I know one thing there’s not going to be any P-MISERY!
Oh good now we know where to send all out Fruit Cakes this xmas!!!!! Oxy I googled grief process and there are some good articles – I just wish I coud retain what I read – like all your post and others post – I have to re-read them – I hope my memory returns someday – so far with the grief proces reading I have learned we are all dysfunctional in a dysfunctional society…gee wiz this is going to be fun………..