Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Henry,
After the plane crash I couldn’t read at all. By the time I got to the end of a sentence I coudlln’t remember what the first part was.
I used to be good enough with short term memory that you could read me a list of 100 numbers and I could give them to you, forward, backward, skip every other one, every third one, whatever. Afte rthe crash I couldn’t do a phone number except one number at a time. I had to write each one down, one at a time. You would say One, and I would write one, then you would say two, and I would write two. But if you said one-two, I couldn’t remember the second number.
I could watch a movie, and watch it the next night and not remember I had seen it the day before.
I am somewhat better now, but still not back to where I was, but yet, I took an IQ test and was still the same score, in fact one point higher. So I haven’t lost my marbles, but my short term memory is “spotty” like swiss cheese.
It is part of the stress and the PTSD, I know, but it is frustrating to the max and until after I took the IQ test I was really spazzing out worrying about my “mind,” or losing it.
My psychiatrist says it will get better, but it has been over 4 years now, and it IS BETTER, but….it still isn’t back like it was. In the meantime, I am not worrying about it any more. Just making lists and trying to keep things organized where I can find them….now, where are my car keys? LOL
My short term memory is shot too.. the stress just seemed to wipe out parts of my mind. I can’t remember which word I was going to say.. and I was always so good with words too.
And I’m looking forward to Christmas without that holiday hating wet blanket too.. though I’m seriously broke as my financial aid is still held up. I think they think I’ve been in community college long enough.
Kat, the short term memory thing seems to be a pretty common thing with stress and trauma. As far as the “broke” bit, Christmas doesn’t have to be about buying THINGS. One year when my kids were 11 or 12 (somewhere in there) I didn’t have a single thing I could afford for christmas (I was still in school and SERIOSULY broke) and what we did was we made each other coupon books that were “good for______(fill in the blank) like “I will wash the dishes for two weeks” when it is your turn. Or I will mow the yard or whatever chore the other person hated the most. LOL And back rubs and other things. It was really fun.
I also shopped in “junk stores” and “resale shops” and found some really neat things that were cheap and we strung pop corn and decorated the tree with construction paper chains and angels cut out. We made our Christmas cards and colored them. it was one of the most fun christmases we had.
Another year when the kids were bigger I was pretty broke at Crhistmas and the things they wanted were pretty epensive. I could afford more but not all they wanted. So I asked them if they wanted to hit the AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES and we did, and they got everything they wanted cause the prices were all marked down like 50% I had wrapped up boxes with photos of the things they wanted and those were what we opened on christmas day.
Part of the reason I “live well” today is that I shop “junk stores” and resale shops and Goodwill and the local auctions for just about everything I buy. When I worked I didn’t have time to do that, but I save tons of money and have more of what I want. I also barter with friends for services. If there’s a place to get what I want for “pennies” instead of dollars, believe me I know it! LOL
Dear Kat and Oxy
I have that short-term memory problem too. It is extremely frustrating. I used to have an excellent memory – I had a reputation for remembering long lists of telephone numbers, obscure facts, you name it.
* Sigh * Those days are in the past now.
Does anyone else have a problem with rage and a very low tolerance for stress?
I struggle to control my temper, even for the smallest of things. I haven’t yet lost my temper with anyone (except in an email to the Ex-P’s wife) but that’s only because I keep a death’s grip on my emotions. If someone carelessly bumps into me in the street I fantasise about punching that person in the face…really hard.
I know I feel this way because I have so much anger towards my ex-P and my brother and I can’t get at them. What I really want is to express to them what they’ve done and how they’ve affected me (as futile an exercise as that would be)…and then I want to punch their lights out.
I feel like I’m a simmering pot of anger. It’s an exhausting and dispiriting feeling but I haven’t yet found a way to drain that rage.
I think it was LIG asked a few posts up about them recontacting you and when you could stop not answering “unknown” calls. I have been right at 8 months of no contact. I am not even in the same state anymore with my ex. However, he still tries to make contact.
At first it was upwards of 50 calls per day. I let my voicemail fill up and it has remained full for 8 months. He cannot get thru. I would have just changed my number, but I’m tired of moving and changing numbers and all the paperwork and notifications that go along with that.
After a few weeks, the calls dropped off to being cyclic, 4 or 5 one day, skipping a few days, calling several days in a row, skipping a week or two. Then NOTHING for two months and I thought perhaps it was over and I “almost” emptied my voicemail. Good thing I didn’t. He started back on the cycle, although he will call 3 or 4 days in a row, then skip a week or two he is still trying and this is after EIGHT MONTHS. I get calls from his own cell #, but also get alot of unknown calls and lately he has switched to calling from other numbers, but the area code is the same one in the state he is now living (a different state than the one we lived in together). I guess he thinks I’m too stupid to check area codes, since he thought I was dumb as a block of wood, thus he figured I would answer an actual number I didn’t recognize.
In one call (before my voicemail filled up) he said, “You must feel like you’re in such CONTROOOOL not answering the phone when I call. Well, you might not answer the phone when I call, but you can’t stop me from taking a long weekend and showing up and you WILL answer that door when I beat on it.” So far, he hasn’t shown up. He also has not phoned anyone else in my family in nearly 3 months.
I figure the time he didn’t phone at all he had a new relationship that was “working” to his requirements, then the times he calls alot could be times he is pissed at whoever he is now involved with, or maybe he is unemployed or wanting to quit his job and hoping to find a new place to move and mooch (me). Or he is just bored and wants to remind me he hasn’t “forgotten” me and the threats he’s made and maybe it gives him a little rush to think he might still be frightening me. Who knows.
Hi all, I’m new here. Never thought I’d be one of those “codependent” “enablers.” Never thought I’d have true confessions to vent. Not me. I’m strong. I know b.s. when I see it. I walk away.
I’ve had clarity all my life about my younger sister, even from a fairly young age. By the time we were teenagers, and she would threaten suicide “because of” me, I handed her a knife.
Not a “nice” person, am I? Not exactly the personality to be attending Codependents Anonymous and griping about what a doormat I was. Nobody had to tell me what “toughlove” was.
I loved my sister and wanted her to get better. Nonetheless, she prevailed. She’s now going on 43, and everybody says she’s doing great. My dad’s friends all love her. So much for my efforts at an “intervention.” Maybe I was the one with the problem after all.
She gets me into a closed car, or at a family wedding, or preparing a Christmas dinner together, and lets loose. It’s all my fault.
Do I sound like the sociopath now? Not taking responsibility for things? Fuck off. I have considered all angles, and she’s wrong. Not guilty.
And yet I still love my sister. I have asked that she get help. She did, for a little while, and it was like night and day. Then, after an aunt died and she gave no words of comfort to my mother, said it was her own “bad day” and that she didn’t really know or care about any of us anyway, I flipped. I told my father I wanted her to get help, and he refused. So I left her behind. I refuse to answer her tearful phone calls; I make no more efforts. “It’s wrong. Fix it,” says my dad the enabler. No.
I always thought that I was doing the right thing by staying engaged but tough, uncompromising on the request that she get help. Nothing worked. A psychopath is convinced of their own righteousness; a sociopath convinces everyone around them.
My sister is “dead.” I mourn her passing but enjoy life without the drama. When my mother lost her sister, I lost mine. Don’t believe the self-help b.s. You will go down, you will fail, you will lose. Move on.
hi everyone.
i’m having a very rough day today. just when i think i ‘m over him, i lose all sense of myself again.
everyone loves him so much, and i was the ‘lucky’ one…the one he chose to spend so much time with. now, i’m on the outside — NC for eight weeks — and i’m feeling like i made a big mistake, letting him go, not fighting for him, not doing enough to make him realize that what he did was wrong and broke my heart. he gave me the option of staying with him even after he told me about his new gf, and i flatly said ‘no way.’
but now i feel, ‘so, he cheated and got someone pregnant … not like he hasn’t done that before and still wanted and loved me. he’s just a player.’ i know how crazy that sounds, but i miss him so much today. i’m so damn alone. and it wasn’t all bad by any means. i miss his smile, his touch, his companionship, his body, his laughter, his eyes.
the truth is that i wasn’t good enough for him anymore. i had gotten fat and old in my appearance and my manner. i wasn’t exciting anymore. i didn’t do enough to keep him interested. i never dressed up like he liked me to do. i failed to keep my man.
and now i’m sorry. he’s out there enjoying himself, friends, family, new gf. and i’m sitting here on a day off crying. i could have been with him right now, watching him play basketball, hanging out in the park. and i know he’s doing that with someone else.
while he fits the profile of the s/p/n to a tee, maybe i’ve been reading into it. maybe i didn’t think before i finalized my decision to throw him out of my life. what do i know? maybe i’m the sociopath? maybe i deserved to be left for someone else.
i don’t know if he finally divorced his wife for the new gf. i’m curious. is he actually having a new baby? i want to know.
what i do know is that he’s not sweatin’ me. not even thinking about me. and it’s my fault. i told him ‘no’ … i told him to get out of my life. and i think i shouldn’t have done that. not after 20 years. not after the closeness we always had. not just because he slept with someone else.
help me get back on track here, LF family…i have no one to turn to. but i sure am thinking of calling him.
…and i was doing so well … damn!
Dear Sistersister,
Welcome! It sounds like you are in a good place with your sister. I have a family full of psychopaths and their enablers, and I tried to tough love too, but in the end always came back to listening and being co-dependent. I am finallhy FRRREEE of them!
Guess what, I’m happy! Good for you and welcome here. I am sure you will have some good advice for some of those of us here who are still struggling.
Dear LIG,
You are having a “set back” and that is to be expected. Google “grief process” and read about it, because that is what this is, you are grieving over the “lost” relationship, your lost FANTASY. YOu know about Ps, now learn about GRIEF, because it will describe your reactions to a TEE. Hang in there darling, just believe that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. (((hugs))))
thanks OX …
i’m running to google now.
::::thump thump thump::::