Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
lostingrief
well, seems i’m in the ”bargaining” phase of grief. so then, why can’t i bargain? what if i just call him to see what he says? if he’s a schmuck it will probably put me back on track. if he’s kind and loving, then at least i can find out what i want to know.
(gee, that sounds like a bad idea even to me!)
but god, i’d give anything to feel those smooth, strong arms around me again. how did i become so lost in him?
what if i just called to see if he still wants his stuff? no?
help.
lostingrief
maybe he’s thinking about me too. maybe he’s been wanting to call me and apologize … say the whole thing was a big mistake. maybe he was just acting out because of his inability to handle his mom’s death. maybe i abandoned him when he needed me most!
Ox Drover
Dear LIG–those thoughts are like me wondering if my dead husband could be cured! BARGAINING is a mental trick we play on ourselves, like denial, like “oh, it hurts to believe it is TRUE, so I will try to figure some way to fix it.”
DO NOT DENY the TRUTH–you KNOW THE TRUTH, he does not, never did LOVE YOU. It hurts to say it, it hurts to admit it, but it is the ONLY way you will ever get over it. It is like labor pains in a preg woman LIG, she MUST GO THROUGH IT for it to stop. Grief pain is the same way, you cannot go around it with denial and bargaining, you MUST GO THROUGH IT, just like labor.
When you find yourself bargaining, TALK TO YOURSELF. Repeat over and over HE NEVER LOVED ME, HE IS A PSYCHOPATH. HE ABUSED ME. HE USED ME. I AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. Chant it like a mantra until the bargaining feeling passes.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off and hurt you, but IT WILL SET YOU FREE. Hang on darling! ((((hugs)))))
sistersister
Thanks for the encouragement, OxDrover. (I assume you’re the moderator here.)
I’m pretty OK with my decision not to call my sister, except when I’m around other family members. My explanation sounds like it’s from another planet, or just petty, or childish (“sibling rivalry”).
The subtext is ASSIGNING BLAME. As I said, a psychopath is good at this; a sociopath has raised it to the art form of making everyone else read their script for them.
I don’t even feel like blaming her back. My sister is lost, unaware. She needs a helping hand from someone more neutral who won’t buy her act. I’ve retired from that role.
So while I sympathize with the remembrances of hugs past posted here, the yearning for that person who “loved” you, remember that it’s not necessarily about getting to a place of hate. They’re as much a victim of their plotline as you were, probably worse. They live in hell.
I hear a lot of desperation, as in, “I’m not good enough to find another person who will love me” or “There’s nobody quite like him.” But you’re great, and there are lots of other great people in the world. Just my opinion, but instead of only moving through necessary “stages of grief,” go strut your stuff and find new friends. But as I indicated earlier, I say brutal things and skip the psychobabble.
To-wit: Life is short; don’t let any slobs rent space in your brain for long. This American idea that we can perfect everything the next time is crazy. Go find the next sick relationship, move beyond it, and keep deepening your understanding of yourself.
moraira43
LIG, try and remember why you started the process of leaving him in the first place, remember that you couldnt take anymore. You need some time with good friends, just going out and enjoying yourself. I have been feeling same way as You today, S is still here but I have asked him to go, he is playing his part well, its all my fault, I even started to believe himaand keep thinking it would be easier just to keep quiet.
Domestic vilence support team say what he is doing is definitely classed as domestic violence, they said i can contact them whenever I want.
Iwonder
Moraira: You reached out for help in the community? Excellent!! Domestic Violence Line? That is wonderful. See if they can recommend somewhere to call to see if a safe house is available for you and your daughter to go in case he flips and you both need to split fast….just in case.
lostingrief
hi moraira…
thanks for your kindness.
my ex wasn’t violent. it wasn’t until his mom died a year ago that he became verbally abusive and cheating on me.
i know i can’t let him back, but i’m feeling guilty today. i feel like i threw him out when he needed me most. i feel as though what he did shouldn’t have been the end of a 20 yr relationship. he left so furious with me, that i betrayed our love, that i broke my promise to always love him. while he cheated and i didn’t, i’ve never been one of those women who ever felt that sex outside of a relationship is necessarily a for-all-time deal breaker.
today, i can only remember the love, the closeness, and how it felt when he had his arms around me. that sense of safety i don’t think i’ll ever feel again.
i miss him.
oxdrover says it’s a ‘set-back’ and she always seems to know the truth about these things and i’m a relative newbie. so i’m trying my hardest not to call him and see where he’s at emotionally. i have to ride this out because i know i’ll fall apart even worse if i do talk with him.
and i’ve been doing so well. this is a big ‘set-back’. and it sucks!
Ox Drover
Dear Sistersister,
Nope,I’m not the moderator here just a frequent blogger who has “been around the block” with several Ps in my family. I can relate to exactly what it is like to have a loved one in your family who is a P. My youngest bio-son is a P, in prison for murder, my bio-father, my X FIL, my mother is a toxic enabler, her brother was a monster-P, etc etc.
It is tough when you realize tht a relative or friend is a P and the rest of your family “poo-poo’s” their abuse or passes it off as something less than TOXIC. I have gone NC with my mother because of her toxic enabling which ended up being so abusive to me that she devalued and discarded me in favor of the Ps themselves, until they went to prison, even my P son in prison is her “golden child” tht she would sacrifice the rest of us to be crucified if he could get out of prison before she dies.
Your attitude is great sistersister, and I am gettng to that space in my head again. I’m 61 years old and I have finally decided to start acting like a responsible and reasonable person, maybe for the first time in my life. I grew up with mother demanding that I “pretend none of this happened” and I won’t play that game again. I have sat for thelast time in the “ashes of my life” pretending that my”loved ones” hadn’t burned it down around my head. LOL
I am moving back in to a joyful life PSYCHOPATH FREE, with Noo contact with any of them, learning to set boundaries on all who would use or abuse me. Enforcing those boundaries rigidly. You are so right, life is SHORT, and I’m not letting them rent space in my head any more. The only person here-go-fore that I never nurtured was myself, and now, that is not the case, I am nurturing myself and it is a wonderful feeling! Glad to have you here. This is a great web site. Donna Anderson, also a former victim is the owner of the site. There are lots of good bloggers here who are moving on from their victimhood into being VICTORS!
sistersister
Well, I wonder if it’s good news or bad news for my recovery that my sister is not in prison for murder, has quite a bit of insight herself on certain other toxic people, can be generous at times, and mostly passes for normal. Does it help or hurt that I can only pity her?
Maybe some sociopaths target certain significant others for abuse while putting on the dog for the rest of the world. Sociopaths get the whole world to buy their story.
I seem to make a distinction between “psychopaths” and “sociopaths.” I see sociopaths as successful, gregarious, passing-for-normal. I hear so regularly what a perfect angel my sister is that I wonder if I’m dealing with the same person, truly a monster, liar, manipulator, thief, bully and cheat in her relations with me.
moraira43
LIG I felt the same as you when I took S back, I rationalised his behaviour and thought I was the one been harsh, I was saying things like “it was only the once” (actually there was a string of them during the time he was telling me how sorry he was for his one indiscretion. I somehow forgot, physical attacks because I “had pushed his buttons” I forgot the verbal abuse and the debt. My decision to take him back has come back to haunt me because he has been improving his skills over the 12 years he has been back and getting rid of him this time is hell. please remeber this in your weaker moments