Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
lostingrief
kat; you made me laugh.
i was very good today. i DID NOT call him, and after reading other posts i realized that it’s HIM all over again. his feelings. his sense that i abandoned him. i miss him but i’m not willing to go there again. most of the day i just couldn’t remember anything bad he did to me. it was like i had this incredible mental block against the things he said and did.
but i’m back. i spoke with a few of my friends who were all but chompin’ at the bit to remind me of his sickening transgressions. even after not speaking with him for 8 weeks now, he can still make me think i am to blame. another reason to believe they are pods. telepathic guilt!
thanks everyone. i’m good and pissed all over again. temporary lapse in sanity.
TOWANDA!!!!
Ox Drover
Dear LIG,
We all have the temporary loss of sanity from time to time, don’t worry about it, it will get less frequent and less insane! LOL
None of my Ps ever said “I’m sorry for doing x to you” Or “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
The closest my mom ever got to apologizing was to say “I’m sorry if YOU PERCEIVED what I did to be hurtful.” DUH? LOL Yea, that sure makes one feel better doesn’t it? NOT!! LOL
My P-son, even when I begged him to apologize to his dying grandfather for stealing from him, STILL COULDN’T BRING HIMSELF TO ADMIT IT. My step father read the letter, made a spitting sound and flung it away from him. I wanted to WEEP.
kat_o_nine_tales
Dear PissedAsHell.. happy to see you made a reappearance..
We all lived in denial, obviously. Codependent people are like addicts mentally, except our addiction is other people.. sooooooo
When we get out of these unhealthy situations, we gotta fight with our own denial all the time. I think this is one of the most overwhelmingly painful parts of the process…not only do we have to deal with all the crap they did/are doing/will do, and how it makes us feel, and the huge hole they leave in our life, and the fact that usually we have stopped living our lives long ago to tend to their needs and desires… but we gotta do it without the mental anesthesia of denial.
You know, this is the one favor they do for us when they go over the top .. they strip away our denial. That is the only way we can ever become really healthy people and make sure we STAY out of these kind of relationships.
I also think this is why it’s important to be in a good place emotionally and feeling pretty good about ourselves before we try to date again.
lostingrief
kat: well said.
yesterday was a day where i went back into the denial and felt that I had done something wrong to bring about the demise of my relationship. i couldn’t think of ONE THING he did to me that was bad. well, i came here to LF and called a few friends and … holy $hT# … did i get reminders!
so, i’m back to the reality of the sick stuff i endured and sooo over wanting to call him.
LF is a lifesaver, and my friends are brutally honest.
a really good combination for overcoming …
towanda!!
James
Welcome sistersister and little
Losing a family member lover or children who suffers from this disorder is never a easy task. Our hearts get torn and our minds confused. Only with learning and researching do we found some answers. Still others (answers) take more time mostly because we are not yet really to accept them. Each journey for each member is alike in many ways but entirely different on a more personal level. LoveFraud offers us doors and windows to look into. It offers support and confirmation at times. LoveFraud gives what it can and it’s members are at guard waiting to help in anyway possible. For me LoveFraud is a way to look at my own pain and then allow me to express it in hopes it will help heal me and others. Remember that LoveFraud is but one door that can open many more for us….
Again welcome sistersister and little
James
Welcome nic
Here you will find some of the answers but more important is that you will find support and compassion..
James
Jen2008
“At first it was upwards of 50 calls per day. I let my voicemail fill up and it has remained full for 8 months. He cannot get thru. I would have just changed my number, but I’m tired of moving and changing numbers and all the paperwork and notifications that go along with that.”
Both my children and I went thru this as well. The calls became unbearable at times. I have also heard about this “calling madness” from other members on other forums…
They use the phone almost like a weapon. I guess it is a attempt to gain whatever little Narcissistic Supply they can get from us as well as anything else..
I had to change addresses phone numbers jobs and anything else it took to stop this harassment. And will do it again in a heart beat if I had too. I now fully understand that my ex will never never give us closure or peace. It is the nature of the beast!
moraira43
James that was lovely what you said to Little and sister sister
so heartfelt.
James
Thank You Moraira
Moraira43
We will find strength in numbers and whenever two or more are gather in His name there shall be love..
moraira43
Amen to that