Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear NWV,
Thanks for your appreciation! As Stargazer said helping others who are in the initial throes of their own pain actually helps reinforce my own healing. I look back at the times I was in the counselor role with BPDs and victims of Ps and Ns, and BPDs, and yet at the same time, I wasn’t confronting my own issues. I could see theirs, but not my own. Seeing yourself and your own issues is so much harder than to see the issues in others.
It is only now that I am “counseling” myself, putting my knowledge into PRACTICE PERSONALLY that I have made progress and feel so euphoric almost manic I am so happy and feel so FREE. Free of the stress, internal and external. As long as the external pain was occupying my mind, my thoughts and crimping my spirit, I had no energy to focus on my own issues and pain.
The trauma and chaos from this last episode, though, unmasked me to myself, made me take a deeper and more real look INSIDE MYSELF. I would never have been able to heal, to even really realize where the pain came from unless I had finally been able to get deep inside myself and focus on WHY I was letting the Ps rake me repeatedly over the coals.
Tonight I watched a documentary film called “Born in the Brothels” about children of the sex workers in Calcutta, and how a photographer went there, lived with them, and managed to get a few of them into schools and out of the brothels.
Talk about a film that makes you feel BLESSED. These kids, about ages 8 to 12 or 13 were so wise in the ways of the streets, and yet so bright and wanted something better. A few of them got the chance and took it, a few got the chance and didn’t take it, and the parents of several wouldn’t let them take the opportunity. One girl was kept in the brothel by her aunt who didn’t want her to leave because she was going to turn her out “on to the line” as a prostitute to earn money for herself, not the girl.
Stargazer, I originally started school to be a chemist, not because I really wanted to do that but they made you decide what you wanted to do and work in that direction and I didn’t know what I wanted to do or be. I dropped out after one year and it was 16 years before I returned to school full time. I went on to become an advanced practice nurse. Then through various jobs at various places and in various roles I learned from each one, and in the end, everything I had done previously fell into place to benefit me where I was at the time. I’ve been a nurse for many years, but within that scope in many roles. I’ve also been a pilot, a photographer, an animal trainer, a farmer, a mother, a step mother, a foster mother, a wife, a single parent, a widow, but each thing I did in life was an experience I could use in the next “life”—I think God gives us the opportunities to learn the things we will need in the future. So the things you learned in school are not lost at all, but are part of the fabric that makes up what you are today.
When my step son was severely brain damaged and came to live with us, I told my husband that the five years I worked in spinal cord and head injury rehabilitation was God’s way of preparing me to deal with my step son’s problems. The times I worked in psych settings was His way of preparing me for what was to come last year, to give me a basis to draw from when I would need it the most.
There are so many ways, Stargazer, that we can “work with people” and pass on to others, to share with others, the many many blessings that we have been given from the experiences we have had. That is one reason I am so grateful to Donna and Dr. Leedom and the others who post here for sharing their hearts and souls with all of us, to help support us and strengthen us. I would not be in the state I am now if I had not had the strength I GOT from this site. Whatever I have given back is pale in comparison to what I have BENEFITED from it.
Here I am back again! I haven’t posted or read for months. Thankfully I still receive emails from Lovefraud which has brought ME to return.
I divorced a sociopath 2 1/2 years ago and still have the torment from him (due to our two children). I am very scared for my children, especially my son who I see some of the characteristics at times and he is only 10.
After my divorce and when I carried on I then got myself into a relationship that was yet again with another sociopath. It was a devistating end with the relationship in motion like a roller coaster. I managed through therapy, lovefraud and my own mustered strength to move on and get my life back in order. Going back to school as a straight A student. Not having the want for a male companion at the time.
I then cross paths with an old school mate from 25 years past. It struck me that I began to develop an interest in him and then here I was back in the “dating” pool with him.
However, as repeating history I am seeing signs that I have chosen someone who is self centered, twisting blame to me, dangling “carrots”. All the while not giving me true answers and leaving me questioning where I stand or his own position for that matter. I worry I am falling into that TRAP again! With all I have learned, all the work on myself I have done…COULD THIS TRULY BE POSSIBLE?
Dear Changeo6. Anything is possible, until we prove to the cosmos that we have learned the lesson and if that means that we meet a succession of those with Personality Disorders, BUT that we are onto their game quicker and quicker before we put down roots into the relationship – then WE ARE LEARNING. Dont forget, that in spiritual laws we attract what we have to learn. In the end, I realised that I was with the guy because he mirrored all the detachment and abandonment of my Narcissistic father. What is your common denominator with these guys – what is the attraction, how do you feel and why did you develop an interest in him?
Beverly, Thank you. You are right! I guess I need to do alot more healing and much more learning about myself. What is it that attracts me, and why do I become so obsessed with this ride, that they all seem to put me on.
I like what you stated, spirtitual law attracts what we need to learn. I also get what you are saying in regard to the relationship issues and your father. I am very resistant when it comes to that because I feel I am over the fact that I was always in need of some kind of acceptance, attention and true love from my (Narcissistic) father. I guess, I still am and it becomes a challenge for me with these men. A battle I haven’t won with my father and one I will never with a sociopath.
This is when I get to the depressed point, realizing I am chasing my tail as they are slashing the wip. I am never going to get what I want from my father, or these men, just as I will never catch my tail. I feel like it is a sickness in me.
DEAR BEVERLY,
So good to “see you again” and your advice to Change is I think RIGHT ON!
Change, I went from P to P in just about every relationship from bosses, to co workers to business partners, and even friendships, and strung along with my P – son for 20 years past when I should have given up. My good son married a P (from the internet naturally) and though very unhappy stuck it out for 8 yrs until she and her BF tried to murder him!)
Our family has learned some very valuable lessons. UNTIL you GET THE LESSON you are doomed to take repeat classes it seems. I apparently was a very stubborn and hard headed student because I am 61 years old and ONLY NOW getting the lesson. I am NC from all the Ps AND I am NC from all those that enable them. (my mother and any of my friends that are downers) It is only when we SEE how we have GIVE AWAY our power—that we can TAKE IT BACK and learn to set boundaries and not try to take responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and succes. It is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY and it is not right for me to assume to MAKE THEM HAPPY. They either do it themselves or it doesn’t get done. It is IMPOSSIBLE for them to be happy because we “make them happy” and by the same token WE HAVE TO MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY. When we find a partner who IS HAPPY and will SHARE OUR HAPPINESS (NOT MAKE IT) then we have a real RELATIONSHIP.
I had that with my late husband, but you know, after he was gone, I fell for a P—wanting him to make me happy again, and all he did was use me.
I am finally happy again, loving each day, cherishing those that love me, setting boundaries for those that don’t and NC with the Ps that hate me. LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN!
You will get there, it just takes work, self examination. I think it was Plato that said “the unexamined life is not worth living.” He was SOOOOO RIGHT. I never really examined my life truly before, just reacted instead of acting. Now I am ACTING, looking out for myself and not expecting others to look out for me, but sharing my happiness with those I love an they share their happiness with me, but in the end we re all responsible for our own success, failure, happiness, or unhappiness.
Longing for what we don’t have makes us unhappy. The Apostle Paul advised the early Christians, even the ones who were slaves, to BE CONTENT with what you have, even if you were a slave and couldn’t be freed, be a good and content slave. Change the things you can but if you can’t change them accept them and BE CONTENT. It is a “magic formula” for happiness no matter what the external things that you can’t change. We CAN change how we feel about it.
Peace and love to you all, and you are all always in my prayers.
Dandelion
My mouth just dropped when I saw your screen name. That is my nickname I always called him. If he was playing the victim role, when I was trying to ignore him, he would write, “I guess no more MJ and Dandelion, huh?”
But I LOVE the statement, “…nothing more than a weed.” perfect! Too bad I am NC right now, or I would just LOVE to say that to him…
Hi Everyone. Not much news to report today. I’ve been sleeping well since the ex S dropped off the deed papers signed & notorized. Now all I have to do is come up with the $ for the attorney to file the deed. The ex left me high and dry in debt. Oh well, I try to look on the bright side. I figured him and his son living with me used to cost $800-$1000 per month out of my pocket. I don’t have that expense anymore.
One thing that helped me heal is emailing back and forth with the soon to be ex-wife. If you recall, he told me when we met that he was separated and it was over with her and that he would file an annulment to marry me. All lies. For the 2 years he was with me, he occassionally call her and tell her not to file because they would be together again. She sufferred for those 2 years. She came all the way up to NJ from FL to get her divorce papers signed by him. She is staying with her parents. She can’t wait to put this behind her and get back to FL. She decided not to meet with the S about the papers. I told her I also communicate with him via email only. We both agreed it is best not to have any communication with the S.
I let her know God was with her and me. Had I not reached out to her when I found out about woman #3 and exposed all the lies, she may have not gotten the divorce and me not the papers. I let her know I threatened him to call the #3 for help with my papers if he didn’t turn them over and tell #3 all the SH.. he did to me and to the ex wife. I thanked her for being nice to me and speaking with me and apologized for getting involved with the S and believing what he told me. I told her I would never go with another woman’s man unless I really thought it was over with the ex because I believe in sisterhood.
We will email eachother again to see how we are doing. I told her and she and I will have happy endings.
Things have been quiet for a few days for me. I found the article about people involved with sociopaths actually becoming sociopaths as well very interesting. The woman he dated before me I believe is right in that boat. He know feeds her to attack me and make up lies about me, which she does on a regular basis. They are now writing a romance novel together…..omg…..can you imagine what that will be like?
I just cannot grasp making up lies to intentially hurt another person…..
and the DRAMA….omg…..they thrive on it….but blame it on you!
Dandelion: You mean your x-S still talks to the ex girlfriend? The one before you? I think all the x girlfriends of my ex were nice women who were used just like me. I got along very well with the one ex whom he had 2 kids with. Her and I were always on the same page and agreed it was the S’s fault when he didn’t bring the son home for the weekends like he agreed. One time he cursed her out on the phone and later I told her I was sorry for him doing that and let her know I stuck up for her. The soon to be ex-wife is nice too. He also mentioned another ex one time and how when she kicked him out, she cut-up all his clothes in tiny pieces. He told me how stressed he was because he had nowhere to go. He said, “you don’t know how that feels.” So, this is why he probably set up this OW…for a place to go in case..or when..I kicked him out. When I found out about the OW, he went over her house to live. I wish I could get all the ex girlfriends together and write a novel about him…now that would be DRAMA. LOL!
Dandelion: Now my ex should write a novel too. It should be titled, “All the women I loved and never loved back.” Or, “All the women who loved me then hated me.” How about, “All the women I screwed over but actually how I screwed myself!” This is the best, “How I Got Caught Cheating..100 times!!” LOL!!