Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Iwonder – you wonder too much. Just like me. But your name is I wonder. I should change my name to Iwonder2 or analyzethat! I want to stop wondering and start answering my own questions. I have been around negative energy people my whole life. I dont have to solve anyone’s problems other than my own – unless I am paid for it – and I have paid too much TIME wondering. I think my life lesson is paying off. Don’t have to go there!! and Iwonder if I ever see my X anywhere and he speaks too me – I will say ” I am sorry but I don’t know you” and that is no lie…..
iwonder: nyc? yes! just tell me when you’re coming to town. it would be great to meet y’all!
Iwonder –
Yes, the ex P tries to keep ALL of his ex’s around, somewhat like a herd. He has a way of totally devastating your heart then rounding you back up to stay in his circle. He does this a lot through business. He is a successful developer and he finds women that can help him in business dealings. Such as appraisers, bankers, geologists, etc. He also goes for women in the medical field, which he can call upon for medical advice. He uses these things as excuses to stay in touch with all of them. The ex I am referring to has now formed a business with him to publish books. One he is writing and a romance novel they are co-authoring. This woman threatened to write a book about him and he told her he would sue her if she did and so now they are writing one together. She is absolutely as vicious as he is and quite the liar herself. She intruded in my life in more ways than I can write about while I was with the ex. I was harassed to death by her….I even called the cops to get it to stop. It is STILL going on. I have taken the advice of this site to completely IGNORE all of it in hopes it will go away. I have been caught in the trap of responding to vicious emails with vicious emails back, to defending myself when wrongly accused, etc. Now I have given up….I ignore it all. It is hard to ignore someone assaulting your character with lies not to defend yourself, but I am learning that ignoring is really the best defense.
help.
it’s making me crazy today that i don’t know what’s going on with my ex-s/p/n. is he really having another baby with his new gf? did he leave his wife like he said he would? is he now living with his new gf? i can’t stop thinking about it.
i feel like i did when we were together. my mind is going over and over and over everything he said in order to discern some kernal of truth.
damn it!
i could easily find out everything with a phone call to his brother. but at what cost? there’s been no contact for about 10 weeks now. for the most part i’m doing well. but today i feel like i’m losing my mind. how COULD he leave me after 20 years? and for what? for who? some swooning 25 yr old?!
how could he want another child that he can’t afford, and when he has three others to care for (one of which he denies)?
how can he not be thinking about me?! i was such an important part of his life — his best friend, his confidante, his ‘queen.’
he didn’t want to break up. he wanted all three of us (wife, me, gf). i asked if she was worth losing me and he replied, “no one is worth losing you … did i lose you?!? i said ‘hell yes!’ does that mean i broke up with him? does that allow him to hate me for all time and have a ‘vendetta’ against me?
i just want to know. is he happy? does he ever think of me? did he mean all the horrible things he said at the end: ”i never thought of you as my lover” – “we never had a good relationship” – ”i hated having sex with you” – ”you were never good enough for me.”
sigh. i can’t believe this is the end of our 20 year relationship.
what did i do wrong?
LIG: Stop the insanity. I want to share an email exchange between me and the soon-to-be ex wife. This shows sociopaths do not change. I was in tears when I read this. I changed the names:
Hey Wonderman,
It’s like dejavou! When I got your e-mail and read it. I thought I was writing this letter. It’s amazing how S treats women. He was the same way with me. I really hope he changed for his sake because GOD DOESN’T LIKE UGLY! I remember when I went to **** Hosp. because I was having chest pain which I knew it was anxiety, the nurse asked me why do I have bruises on my arm, of course, I lie ,not because I was afraid, because I wanted to take care of my own problems. I really feel a little pity for him, only God knows why he is the way he is. Well, your right we were protected by GOD. If I didn’t leave who knows where I would be right now. Let me tell you in Modesto, California about 2 week ago, my cousin was arrested for domestic violence and he was going to jail for a few years, domestic violence is a serious crime, so my cousin Joshua return home after his wife filed a restraining order and waited until the kids went to sleep and then he stabbed her 11 times and then he killed himself, that was horrible and when I heard that, I was thinking back how God removed me out of that situation. But, that’s because you or GF was in the picture. I’m not blaming you or her because you were a victim like I was and no women deserve to be treated that way no matter how bad the women is, again we are blessed. Maybe when one day GF might come to you about how S, treated her who knows? Well, I be talking to you soon. You are in God’s hands girl!
—–Original Message—–
From: wonderwoman
To: wife
Sent: Thu, 9 Oct 2008 6:26 am
Subject: I got a signature!
Hi wife,
His new Gf has a lot of the same qualities you do. How was that supposed to make you
feel? And I guess my qualities weren’t mentioned. That’s ok. I already know what
he didn’t like about me. He always said, “you’re too tough for me.”
Wife, he was so abusive. One of the last huge fights we had was about him
accusing me of stopping at the dry cleaners on way home from work without his
permission. He spit in my face and then grabbed me by the throat. He crossed the
line from verbal abuse to physical abuse. While he had me by the throat, I
retaliated and asked him if that made him feel like a real man. He was seeing
GF the entire time. He would fight with me and then leave to her house. If I
couldn’t “behave” then he would go to GF’s for the night.
I feel sorry for GF. He is going to do the same things to her. He took me
down in one year + 10 months. That’s how long I was with him. My money’s gone,
my self-esteem sufferred, weight gain, I wore ugly clothes to please him and was
trained to look down at the ground when I walked..so I wouldn’t be accused of
looking at men. I paid for the car he drove, the house he and his son lived in,
did all of the chores. I was miserable.
Now I have dropped 20 lbs, gave away my fat clothes, wear what I like (I do not
dress slutty by the way), finishing up school, working hard at my job and trying
to get out of debt, I recovered my property, walk with my head up high, pray in
the night, go to church and do what pleases me and God.
My neighbor is a minister and I spoke with him and his wife throughout this
ordeal. They were praying for me and you. The minister told me if he ever sees
S around, he would like to speak with him. I told him good luck.
I wouldn’t be afraid to go to GF’s house either if I were you to recover
your jewelry before you go back to Florida. I remember when I went to GF’s
to get some paperwork. I was so tired of S saying, I’ll do it
tomorrow…then tomorrow, etc. He’s left his stuff in my garage for 5 mos. He
texted yesterday telling me he’ll probably pick it up this week. I wrote to him
there is no reason to call or text me anymore and to pick up his stuff whenever.
Let me know if you need directions to GF’s. You go girl!
Have a Blessed Day.
— On Wed, 10/8/08, Wife wrote:
> From: wife
> Subject: Re: I got a signature!
> To: Wonderman
> Date: Wednesday, October 8, 2008, 11:47 PM
> Wonderwoman,
> ?I forgot to tell you when I asked S can he please
> send me my necklace and whatever else he has he told me that
> ,he will send it that day which was last saturday. He said
> that he has it in his jewelry box and was going to send it
> out that day. Here I am still waiting. I would hope that he
> doesn’t make me go to where he lives.? I’m not
> afraid!? I’m so glad to hear that you got your deed
> signed. It such a relief, I guess god allow things to happen
> in our lives just so, we can learn and let him take control.
> Oh! did I tell you?what S told me about me and GF
> having alot in common. I asked him in what sense? He stated
> that she has about the same qualities as me but, he
> wasn’t to specific so, I just said ok. I don’t know
> exactly what he wanted me to say. Oh well, her turn! I also
> don’t want to step my boundaries but,technically I’m
> still his wife, If Tamara thinks he has change well, she
> will find out the hard way.
>
> Thanks for everything talking to you is a big help. Well,
> I’m extremely tired so, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Date: Wednesday, October 8, 2008, 11:38 AM
> > Hi Wonderman,
> > ?
> > I hope everything ok with you. Did you get your deed
> > signed? Well, let me tell you I received the certified
> card
> > signed by GF I don’t no why but, she signed
> it.? I
> > talked to S, and told him to find out what is the
> next
> > step to this divorce and he reply that he will found
> out and
> > let me know. I also, told him to send me my things
> whatever
> > else he has beside the necklace.? There were things
> missing
> > that I know he took when I was with him and those
> where
> > things I brought and? a ring that has an an
> gel on it that a
> > co-worker (female) gave me from mexico. I’m pretty
> sure
> > he thought a guy gave it to me but, that was not the
> case. I
> > have no reason to lie about that but, he didn’t
> believe
> > me so, one day it was missing and he told me that he
> > didn’t take but, we both know thats a lie. Like
> you said
> > before he was very insecure,jealous and always
> thinking you
> > were cheating on him.?I am really hoping that he is
> changing
> > his ways. I really need go back to Florida, its
> getting
> > stressful, dealing with my family and the negative
> > enviroment around me. I also S, that I want to
> leave
> > so, I hope he doesn’t need anything signed by me, I
> just
> > want to go and move on with my life. ?When I came down
> to NJ
> > I wanted to meet with him for the papers but, you know
> > I’m glad we didn’t, cause I think back,on the
> way
> > things were and it just gives me second thought about
> even
> > seeing his face again, you know once this is over I
> > don’t plan to keep in touch with him, I just hope
> things
> > work out on his part.? I also hope that, you get your
> deed
> > signed and you can move on completely. Well, I got to
> go
> > hope to hear from you soon.? God bless you!
Wonderwoman: I would love to go to NYC for the holidays. I don’t know if I can afford it. Does anyone know of any cheap flights? I live on such a tight budget. Also, what dates did you have in mind?
I have no news to report. Since I have faxed in the sworn statements, I am P-free! I have not heard anything from the army, and I don’t care one way or the other. I really need to get on with my life. The P has not posted on my reptile site in a month. I hope it stays that way. Beautiful NC…… I’m happy for all that are P-free and hope the rest of you will all be soon enough.
Hugs,
StarG
LIG: I know only too well what you’re going through, and I was only with the P for a short time. I cannot even imagine what it’s like after 20 years. One thing that helps me when I go through this thinking was just to remind myself how he treated me. If a person can treat you that badly, do the reasons really matter? This is what I kept telling myself. I did not know he was a P when we split up. I just knew I would NEVER tolerate being stood up without a phone call again and no explanation. I had to keep reminding myself over and over again what he did and what he was. I went through another phase of obsessing last weekend. Then I remembered that he is defrauding the army as we blog. BOINK. It was like being hit with a skillet!
Normal human beings do NOT treat people the way you have been treated. Normal human beings will not leave you hanging with no answers. He will get his eventually, LIG. And we will all be here to say TOWANDA. Such a sweet person as you deserves to have this creep out of your life completely. Let him play in the gutters with the rest of the scum of the earth!
Hugs,
Stargazer
Dear VictimX
I don’t know if you have read this article, but it is a very good one, please read it. I have brought it up for your situation. (((hugs)))
What article?
The article (first post) at the top of this blog. About accepting the “blame” for everything being wrong in the relationship to preserve the relationship.