Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Hi
I’m new and just ran across this site last week.
My husband and I are the grandparents of a child whose parents are sociopaths. They have beaten and abused her for years. 3 1/2 years ago our granddaughter came to us and begged for our help-that her maternal grandfather had sexually abused her during a Fourth of July celebration-he followed her into the bathroom. And she said “My dad gets drunk and does it to me too” (I had always suspected it because of some of her behavior)
I went to a counselor and asked what I should do-and they said I had to hotline it-which I did. The reason I was hesitant is because I know how mean these people are and I also know how ineffective social services is. The social workers conclusion after her investigation was that something had happened but she couldnt prove it. Well, thanks a lot-great job!!
Then the parents got hold of our granddaughter and made her recant her story-they also got an attorney and came after us. For 3 years we did not see this child-and our house is the only safe place she has.
Besides getting into how ineffective our court system is when it comes to this kind of thing-20,000 dollars later-we’ve gotten a few supervised visits. The counselor that supervises the visits sees no problem with us-and had recommended unsupervised visitation.
Meanwhile the chief sociopath, Jesse, (my husbands son) has gone to some family members crying about how hard his life has been, how poor they are, he lost his license due to drinking, lost his commission to work as a security guard, doesnt have a car because he totaled it (for the 50th time) and his tv has been cut off. Frankly I think its funny and well deserved. Meanwhile, he has made contact with my husband-and he is wanting money for visits with Hannah-although he wont come right out and say it. And because we haven’t given him money, he’s now made his daughter tell more stories on us to the ad litem (and these morons in the court system actually believe this stuff)
When we first started seeing our granddaughter-she looked horrible-she later told us that she had an eating disorder and got down to 42 pounds when she was 9 years old. To put this into perspective-our 3 1/2 year old granddaughter weighs 42 pounds. None of them even looked into this-and when a CASA worker was assigned, the parents moved her from her school to another one-after the investigation was over, they moved her back to the other school.
I cant tell you what manipulative abusive people they are-
and I dont know if there is anyway to manipulate a sociopath-because this child really needs us. I worry about her well being-she is a really really sweet and loving child. I raised her for the first few years of her life.
I’m at my wits end with the system and the entire thing-if I didnt worry about our grandchild so much-I would walk away from both of those monsters.
Any suggestions or comments would be very much appreciated. Thank you
Magneto
Dear Magneto,
Your story brings tears to my eyes. I am SO GLAD you found this site. We may not be able to solve your problem, I wish I could promise you that we could, but at least you will have people here who understand and empathize with you.
There are others here who have been abused by psychopaths of every description, even one woman who has a child age 10 who acts as if she is a psychopath (the father was one). I raised a son who is a psychopath (he’s in prison thank God)
The experiences we have and the grief we have when we or someone we love are abused by a psychopath, especially when it is a child, is indescribable and I can only say that I know your heart must ache and break.
You are right, the social services are many times a JOKE and it isn’t a funny one, but a tragic one. I am so sorry that you are embroiled in such pain and frustration.
I suggest that you read the articles written here and learn all you can about the psychopaths. Learning how they think is sometimes the only defense we have against them.
Is it possible that you might actually BUY the girl from her parents? Get them to sign over custody to you for some sum of money? They will do ANYTHING to “win” but sometimes they get desperate and you might be able to “out smart” him/her and focus on their greed.
Walking away from the psychopath is the only final solution, but when there is a child involved they use that child as a “hook” to keep you “on the line”–God bless you magneto and learn all you can about these predators and maybe you will find a way to get your prescious granddaughter away from them.
I’m glad you are here, stay around and read all the articles you have time for. They are a comfort to us and help us understand. (((hugs))) and my prayers for you and your grandchild.
Magneto29
Just wanted to welcome you and hope you will check out all the topic here at LF. There are members here that can help you as they have help me more times then I can count. So sorry about your granddaughter but these people will and do use children like pawns in a chess game….
Magneto,
Welcome to the site. I wish I could give specific advice. Oxdrover’s suggestion of “buying” the girl could very well work. The best would be to manipulate them into thinking the idea was theirs. Sort of like leaving a trail of crumbs and then hope they see the loaf and ask for the whole loaf. Unfortunately this kind of manipulation is something sociopaths do very well and the rest us of struggle at. I think Oxd is right, somehow they have to think they are winning. It would be wonderful if you could actually adopt the girl.
Taking the long view, we need a way to convince courts of sociopathicness. We need to ask government, our representatives, to get involved in protecting us from mentally ill criminals. Incest is a crime and extremely destructive to young lives (obviously it blights their whole lives). We know the DNA for Downs Syndrome and ADHD, why not sociopathy? Waiting for science is not going to do it. DSM-IV only confuses the issue. We need government to take the lead in research.
Kerisee here at LF said “We all agree that there are basic symptoms that seem to float around that are all linked. So there is a syndrome here. It’s not pick-and-choose your symptoms, they are ALL ALIKE! Sociopaths are predictable. Psychologists need to stop being afraid to call a spade a spade.” http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/10/09/the-sociopath-next-door-probably-not/#comment-13921
Exactly, we all recognize each other’s stories. We all know we are talking about the same thing. We all know there is an actual syndrome. Sociopaths are flesh and blood facts. In its capacity in crime fighing, public safety and public health the government needs to move to the fore in research to protect us.
Here something else I’m curious about. My S would constantly tell me the same stories…or the same jokes….over and over again. Almost like because he is SO narcisstic, that he doesn’t really pay attention to who he tells what. He also would get me confused with other “friends” as far as what we did together. He swore once that he had met my sister at a concert, when in fact it was the “girlfriend” before me that had gone to the concert with him. I used to laugh that his memory was terrible…but I really wonder….is that a common trait of these people?
I am new to this blog, but am amazed of the similararities i am finding. Newly divorced from a N S (3 months past separation), I refuse to be a victim only a victor. I thank God I am out, things can only go up from here NO matter what devastation I feel, NOTHING can be worse than when I lived as clueless,abused, & brainwashed.
Within our 1 yr marriage, the following existed: his porn addiction leading to many affairs, (even put our wedding pix on date sites,) physical abuse- chocking me-I had disc replaced in my neck in which he was w/ me during surgery and was HORRIBLE during any illness I ever incurred-even meaner at my weakest.
He stole $1000’s from me, from my business. He came into marriage with nothing, tried to take over everything, became increasing angry due to his lack of control.
When we separated, he put sugar in the gas tank of my car, has elaborately executed a “fake” suicide attempt, despite protection order, he continues to call. I know now, NC is the only way.
The extent he has ALWAYS used GOD as his hook to suck me back in, is remarkable and appalling.
I am very afraid of him. He has been under pychiatric care (we all know how well that works) and claims that a “demon” possessed him since 10 yrs old when he was molested. He claims he has multiple personalites- but due to “therapy” (1 month of it) he’s cured! He begged me 2 give this marriage another chance, and seems to NEVER GIVE UP this DILUSION. I have protection order, warrants against him, proof of past abuse from previous wife leading to jail time associated w/ criminal mischief and theft of property (he broke into her home 6 mos after their divorce.) I’m trying to prevent hy from repeating itself, but is all too similar w/ his past…..
I am not sure if hitting him with more and more warrants is the best way or if it is only going to escelate his N. rage. Changing my phone # could provoke him to show up at my home when he realizes he can’t talk to me! I’m so sick of it all being about HIM,In the marriage, and in trying to escape the marriage!
Any thoughts or advice on getting this maniac away from me? Other details that seem to fit the profile- he never slept, and tried to keep me from sleeping, quick to forgive, thought others should exempt hidious behave by a simple, trite, apology, Always the “victim”, extreme inflated ego- worked out 7x wk. Mentally abusive- said I looked older than him, I was “flabby” even tho I had a trainer,worked out obsessively as tho I was in competion with him. He didn’t find me funny, he dated “really beautiful women” before me. Didn’t really care for blonds- (I’m naturally blond-what did I do? change my hair to dark chocolate- Biggest mistake Ever! )
I must say that this blog is the best place for real knowledge, experience, and Healing.
The therapists should consult with the real people who lived with these sub humans, for information that counts, and saves lives! My admiration goes out to all of you who are stronger than you ever thought possible and reaching out to others is what life is all about.
God says My peace I leave with you…
Never let anyone steal your joy.
Sorry, one more detail- as if we need more drama. My x also admits to abusing animals. Sadly, I accused him of hurting our little chi hua hua and he choked me! Later he admitted he has a hy of animal abuse! I cry more for the defenseless animals than myself! Regarding His claim on being demon possessed- now thats ONE I do believe.
My comment to him regarded his “multiple personalities” is that he needs to have a meeting with All of them, and tell them they’ve all be EVICTED. Resident evil” no longer resides at this address!
Get your exorcism, get another life, BUT YOU DON’T GET ME!
Dear Sabrina,
Welcome to LoveFRaud, this is a healing place and a safe place to vent your frustrations, to learn and to receive validation and support. I am glad you are here. Many of us here feel that God put this blog in the net to save our sanity and sometimes, even our lives.
I am the child of a P-bio father and I am the mother of a P-son, who is in prison for murder, and though in prison his latest escapade was to try to have a friend of his out of jail to infiltrate our family and kill at least me. Fortunately it failed and the P Trojan Horse is in prison for at least another year or so.
TAKE SERIOUSLY the physical dangers. It sounds like you already do to some extent. The violent ones, and the ones who feel entitled to your support etc are sometimes very persistent in getting back their “sugar teat” and also will become VERY vengeful. They do not fear the consequences partly because they don’t learn from consequences because the consequences are never accepted as in response to their behavior, AND “they are too smart to get caught anyway.” (They think.) My P-son is genius level, but “stupid” and has been caught almost immediately every time he did some big crime, yet he still believes being caught was NEVER HIS FAULT. DUH????
Refusing to speak to him may indeed infuriate him and escalate his attempts to reach you. But as long as you even tell him to “go to hell” he will still consider that a “come on” and proof that he still has a chance with you. Stalkers are like that, you CANNOT APPEASE them with even ANY contact.
NO CONTACT is the only way. Last summer (2007) when I relized my life was in danger, my youngest son (adult) and I bought a recreation vehicle trailer and put our most prescious possessions in it and hauled out in an effort to save our lives. I believe to this day that if we had not, one or both of us would be dead now. Having to flee my home was a big decision for me, and one I did not take lightly. Fortunately I am retired so I didn’t have to leave a trail to a job. I chose to “hide in plain view” in a recreation area bout 35 miles from my home, and lliterally no one excet the P knew I was gone. My house is secluded from view from the nearest road.
I don’t know what your situation is financially and socially, how much support you have, job, business etc. so it may be much more difficult for you. If you look hard enough there are options for you though to keep you safe. There are video survelience devices pretty cheap now, car alarms, bars for windows, get dog, even a small yappy one that barks at strangers, or a big attack trained one, or if you can’t have a dog where you live, a motion detector with an alarm that will wake you up, a cheap and LEGAL and almost lethal SELF DEFENSE to carry at all times and have one in every room of your house is a CAN OF OVEN CLEANER which is pure lye, and if sprayed into the face of an attacker will instantly put them looking for water to ease the FIRE in their eyes and mouth and nose. It is likely to leave them permanently blind but as a friend of mine used to say “better to be tried by a jury of twelve than carried by six pall bearers”
Where I live it is perfectly legal (with a permit) to carry a concealed hand gun, or a hand gun in your car or home, and I would have no problem using one for my self defense. I keep one near as who knows, my son may send another “friend” after me, as long as my son is alive there is always a chance he will send someone.
BUT, I no longer live in TERROR, but that doesn’t mean I am not cautious.
After my husband died I dated a P for about 8 months and he burned (while he was dating me) the home of his previous GF. After finding out what he had done, and letting him know that both she and I knew (though couldn’t prove in a court) that HE was the one that burned her house, i led him to believe that if lightening struck my home and it burned and I saw the bolt come out of the sky, I would still come after him for revenge. I would not, even if I knew he had burned my house, but as long as he believed me, my house was safe as ultimately he was a coward and a sneaky bully. With other types, like my son, a threat like that would only make him MORE DETERMINED to burn my house. So you have to know your P and what they are likely to do and not.
I don’t know him (and in many ways you don’t either) but you have a better chance of knowing wha the is capable of.
Learn all you can about him and Ps in general and PROTECT YOURSELF. I wold do my best to NOT ever be alone if I could help it where he might catch you out.
Good luck, and please stay around here and read and learn and heal, and believe that you are supported and understood on this site. There are people here who have endured every kind of abuse (just about) that these people can dish out, and fortunately we are the ones still alive to tell about it and support others. God bless and keep you safe.
Hi
Thank you for your input. This thing just gets more and more bizarre. I am so worried about my granddaughter.
Our court system is a joke.
I don’t know if they would sell Hannah-I’m sure J would like to, but not sure about the mother. I’m sure she has S tendencies – and she and J always work in concert with one another-especially helping one another cover up the abuse. And of course they still maintain a sexual relationship, behind their partners backs. And knowing them the way I do, any money would be gone in a week and they would be back in court trying to get her back…and the court would listen to them.
My heart does break for her-I feel so fricken helpless. I hate feeling helpless. I want to save her and I can’t.
They’ve drugged her, gotten her drunk when she was 2, beaten her with night sticks, thrown her into tables, choked her to the point that her neck was swollen, molested her, isolated her-and on and on and on.
And the ad litem told us this was “old stuff’ and she wouldnt listen to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her little voice sounds so meek and sad. I hate them so much. She’s just a little kid. And the schools, when she weighed 42 pounds, why wasnt anyone hotlining them???
I dont even know what to do-but it does help to vent – I’m really glad I found this site.
Thank you.
Magneto