Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
lostingrief: Believe me, he (as all of them) are miserable. Just because they laugh and smile, does not mean that they are happy. Did you ever catch your EX really laughing … I mean, really laughing from the belly laugh. Not that fake phony laugh … that sounds so tinny. A real, hardy belly laugh.
Bet you the answer is NO. Why? Because they are M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. If they weren’t miserable, would they be doing what they do?
Period.
Peace.
lostingrief: Because they are miserable all the time in their lives (not having God in their lives, well actually, God is there, they just don’t accept him, but that’s neither here nor there at this writing), they want everyone else to be miserable. Get it?
Peace.
Remember what Bill Cosby quoted (and will someone find out who is the author of this quote) “HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE”.
actually, he did belly laugh. not often mind you, but he and i could definitely roll around in laughter from time to time, mostly when we had a few drinks. but i hear ya’. i know he’s miserable and fake as a furry frog (i just made that up).
and even if he is happy, i still never want to be anywhere near that energy again. it just near killed me.
the god thing. he’s afraid of religious/spiritual experiences. and so he should be!!!
I like the furry frog. That’s what we can call them … furry frogs in slime green jumpsuits …
Not contrived laughing cause he’s in a situation that they pretend to laugh … just walking and you see something amusing and it makes you hold your gut in … you are laughing so hard. I remember seeing the movie “Plane, Trains and Automobiles” … there was this scene that they led up to … and they actually did it. The audience new it was going to happen, but when they really did put it in the movie … I laughed so hard, I was holding my stomach I was laughing so hard … and it kept you laughing for about 2 minutes … a long long time. That kind of laugh that is so ridiculous, you can’t help but laugh.
I remember at work … when the phonies laughed, it was so canned and tinny (like nails on a chalk board tinny)… I would just shake my head over how clueless they were … it was so sad.
Hi,
I am new to the forum, I have realised after 21 years of ‘marriage’ that my husband fits the profile of a sociopath. How could I have been so blind hoping things would change every time he caused the latest round of havoc. The final straw has come when I have been diagnosed with a chronic life threatening illness which means I will have to reduce my workload (I earn the main salary)The day after I came out of hospital feeling very weak, shocked and vulnerable he refused to stay home and look after me because he was going to a rock concert for the whole day ( I couldnt even walk) He became very verbally aggressive and said I shouldnt have left hospital if I was ill and he wasnt my nurse! He had no empathy for me at all and said I was exaggerating my illness to spoil his plans, he went to the concert. A few days later I tried to discuss how he had upset me and he couldnt see that he had done anything wrong, he made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Its our 14 year old daughter who has made me see what he is.
If he is ever confronted about his behaviour he blames stress at work or me or his childhood. If he feels his situation is threatened he tries to get pity and plays the victim ( I have fallen for this constantly even though he is the one who is behaving unreasonably) Some of the things he has done to me over the years are physical violence if challenged, verbal abuse frequently, shouting me down if I broach a subject he doesnt want to discuss, He has taken equity out of the house without informing me, as it is a joint mortgage this is a fraud, he has applied for credit cards in my name, set up his direct debits from my bank account without my knowledge, taken out a life insurance policy on me and emptied my bank account when I was in hospital the last time. He was in trouble with the law at age 14 and was given 2 years probation. He lies about everything even day to day things. He said its my fault he lies as he is scared of my reaction. He spends money he doesnt have so we always have financial problems as he takes on debts but doesnt bother repaying them and then I have to bail him out. This has happened through our married life, he also stole some of my late fathers life savings that we were looking after for him. He has had extra marital affairs during our marriage and I got the courage to throw him out when our daughter was 2. We were split up for 6 months and he had a few one night stands, the girl he left me for dumped him immediately, he told me that it was really me that he wanted and wanted to give it another go, he blamed me for the breakup saying he was under too much stress to be the main earner (Iwas at home during the day with a 2 year old and working as a waitress in the evening)He was like a little lost boy and said it was the biggest mistake he had ever made. When he made the decision to come back I had just told him I had won a place to study law, I now wonder if he smelled the money. The latest infidelity was found by my daughter on the computer, he has been accessing casual sex dating sites on the internet, he has his profile on at least 4 sites describing himself as well toned hunk seeking discreet sex. When confronted he said he had not contacted anyone and did it once when he was drunk last year( he didnt realise I had found all the recent sites and all his communications, he has also downloaded pictures onto the computer. Our daughter occasionally uses this computer and he hadnt even tried to hide the evidence. He blamed me for this and said it was my fault. Last year he also put an advertisement in a newspaper to find an old girlfriend from 25yrs ago, I had to explain to him that she was probably married with children now and he could cause problems for her, he hadnt even thought about this, he promised me he had cancelled the ad and agreed it had been a moment of madness. Yesterday I found out he had also put an ad on the internet to find her!
As our daughter has got older he has started to be very emotionally blackmailing towards her, if she argues with him or catches him out in a lie, which is frequent he threatens that he wont drop her at her drama class anymore, she lives for her drama and this really upsets her. He is also starting to treat her like he treats me, as if he cant be bothered, showing no love or protective instincts towards her. He is also always trying to get her into trouble, she says he feels more like a sibling than a father. I am worried how this will all affect her.
He has also been drinking alone again, he does this on and off, using my money mainly that he has sneaked out of my account, he gets very drunk and is very aggressive if anyone says anything to him.
I told him this evening that I couldnt continue like this, it is too draining and I am quite sure it contributes to me getting sick, he said he cant go because he has no money and knowhere to stay (he has alienated his family and doesnt have any long term close friends) he said I would need to give him the deposit for an apartment if I want him to go.
He has threatended if he goes he will not help financially with our daughter and I will have to go to court to get any money, he said this in front of our daughter, he blames the current situation on me as he said I shouldnt have been sneaking around and it serves me right that I found out what I did.
You may ask why I have stayed with him, wriring it down like this I cant believe it myself but this man gets under my skin , he can make me feel like his soulmate and sends cards saying things like, my love for you grows more and more each year. He always sends me flowers ( if I check i am probably paying for them), and usually just afterwards drops into the conversation that we need the latest car or tv and I am buying,.so i am a sucker. He is manipulative when he wants something that we have discussed and cannot afford, he will buy it anyway and tell me about it when we have company so that I cannot says anything. We rarely have any friends round because he has alienated them. His behaviour can become very loud if he has been drinking and other people are there, he can be very embarrassing as he will try to have discussions about things he has no knowledge of and argue with people who do. He has never been successful in his career and has gone from company to company with no promotions. He has been sacked in the past for not doing his job and spending too much time on the internet. He always starts out well but never keeps it up, he is forever making a ‘fresh start’. We have had to remortgage numerous times to clear his debts and I am now left with huge credit card bills and a high mortgage to pay. His only thought is for himself, he is happy to keep the house and have me move out with his daughter from the family home. He is still refusing to leave. The two times he has treated me the worst are at times when I am less use to him, the first fling I am aware of was when I was not earning much and was taking care of a toddler, this time I may have to work less so will not be earning as much. I have tried to discuss his behaviour with him but he never accepts responsibility and makes me feel stupid at the same time playing the victim.After the first split we attended marriage guidance and the counsellor told me that he would send me mad if I took him back, she has been proved right because I am left with low self esteem, no confidence and depression and I still feel sorry for him. What do other people think, am I been harsh or does he fit the profile of a sociopath, If he is how should I handle the break up.
lostingrief: Oh, my God … you just made me remember something from my early teens … my sister and my friends all snuck out of the house … around 3:00 or 4:00 in the a.m. I forgot why we had to do this … but we had to … it was some teenager thing going on. Anyway … we went where we had to go and we were coming up to our houses … to sneak back in without our parents knowing we left the house in the middle of the night … Yeah, well there’s about 6 or 7 teenage girls trying to be quiet. I don’t think so. Anyway, this little tiny frog jumped out of the lawn onto the sidewalk where we were standing and trying to be quiet. My friend “C” says “loooooooooook at the froooooooooooggggggggggg” so loud, it woke all our parents up. Well of course, all the lights go on in the neighborhood and we got busted, right in front of our houses by our parents … demanding we all get in the house and what the heck do you think you are doing. My sister and I are going into our parents house and “M, P, A, Cl,” ran to their house, while “J” and “C” went in to their house next door … and I said “thanks C for laughing over the frog so loud”. She said “nite Wini”.
Moral of the story, we had furry frogs in our lives even back when we didn’t think of guys … or did we at that time? I don’t remember.
Peace.
moraira43: First things first, get your daughter and you away from him. If you can afford a down payment on the rent for him … do it.
2nd. Get another bank account that he has no access to your money. You can keep the main account for paying bills only … and the rest of your money, bank it in an account that he has no idea about it and has no access to it. Do not keep the bank info at your house, get a safe deposit box at the bank or keep the paperwork at your parents or family member that you trust.
3rd. Get the policy of that life insurance and make sure your daughter is beneficiary on it. Not your husband. Too dangerous for him to be on this piece of paper. If you can’t get it changed, then contact an attorney and contact the police department and inform them that he has a life insurance policy on you and you are uncomfortable with the knowledge of this. Even if the police just talk with him and ask him about it … at least he knows that the police know.
That’s all I have to say right now. Except, calm down and get a good nights sleep. And, please NO CONTACT with him after he leaves.
Moraira43-
I would say that you said it all-I do not doubt he is a sociopath. My recommendation is to read everything you possibly can about these monsters. Its sad, it hurts like hell, it brings much anger, its a surprise. But it is real. Don’t doubt anything you said-thats the manipulation and control they have. It will be extrememly difficult, as you will read, almost everyone blogging here will still say how confused and hurt and angry they still are, even after years of NC. But NO CONTACT is the ultimate goal. And keep talking to us and reading this blog, it is our gift, thankfully we have this. Just get him out of your life, no matter what it takes.
Wini and Letgoletgod: thankyou for your comments, I think I will need as much support as I can get over the coming months, you have given me some strength to try and carry on. I never new anything about sociopaths until I started trying to find out if he had mental health problems. pls keep in touch
Thankyou again
moraira43: Like Letgoletgod said, you are at the beginning of this journey and it is a bumpy, bumpy road. And that’s putting it mildly.
Yes, stay in touch with on this site. Anyone that is blogging at the time you are on, just write them, they’ll all write back.
And remember this, if it’s brings you any comfort … we are all in this together. Every single one of us has a situation similar to yours … the names and the stories are different, but they are all the same.
Peace.