Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxy I don’t know why but people, (especially bad people) just love to blame their parents. Maybe his hate allows him a reason to live or something.. me.. knowing my son hated me would kill me. I’m not as strong as you are. My oldest son is now going through a lot of rehashing his childhood and feeling angry about stuff, and sometimes he’s a total jerk to me about it.. but I gotta be patient with him, he just got home from the war, and was at the front the entire time, and he also quit smoking a week ago.
Dear Kat,
When my kids were little, I was a stay at home mom until my divorce, and my kids were my focus and like you said “my life” though I did other things too, but everything centered around my kids. That is kind of a normal thing I think for moms. I used to dread the thought of my kids growing up and leaving home and how I would hate that “empty nest” syndrome thing that people talk about. But you know, I never really had it, after my P son left home at 17, my son C was home till after he finished college and for a year or so after that lived at home, then moved out, then came back, and then got married at 30 to the P-DIL. My adopted son D is 30 and still here most of the time, so I really haven’t had an “empty nest”–but D and I are more like roommates really, as he works off from time to time for a few months.
Letting go of son P did “nearly kill me” emotionally, it was HARD. I think in many ways it was harder than my husband’s death too, because there was absolutely NO bringing back a physically dead body, but where “there is life there is hope” (which is NOT always true). Also, with a physical death there are rituals, there is support and there is FACT. Indisputable FACT–they are DEAD.
There were times when P-son and I were NC for a while, a few months, etc. but I still had “emotional” contact, emotional worry and connection. But now, (head shaking here) the feeling of ANY contact is gone. I feel more connection to my late husband than I do to P-son.
In the 3-months after I found out about the murder, I was absolutely out of it, crazy as a bessie-bug. I locked myself in the house (I wasn’t working at the time) and cried, screamed, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and probably I should have been locked up. I didn’t try to hurt myself, but believe me I hurt more emotionally than if I had found out I had 3 months to live. I could have accepted that easier. The GRIEF and distress was worse, far worse, than the grief I felt over my husband’s death.
Finally a friend of mine who was a drector of nurses at a psych hospital kept calling me and wanting me to come to work for her there, and I did. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I actually think that it was God’s way of giving me the “help” I needed. I realized that there were kids there who were “worse” than my son, believe it or not. I started out doing intake interviews when parents would bring their kids in there, listen to their stories, listen to their grief, listen to their fears and frustrations that their own little budding psychopaths might be saved by being admitted to the psych hospital. I realized I WAS NOT ALONE in having a child who caused such grief. A child who did horrible things.
Raising children is a challenge and also very satisfying to me, and I enjoyed every day of my kids’ lives up until the P-son started his criminal career. EVen my older son, who is ADHD, who was definitely a “challenge to raise” was actually a good kid compared to so many I have seen. (In and out of the hospital) He wasn’t a liar, he didn’t hurt people or things deliberately, he was just ON THE MOVE ALL THE TIME.
My favorite age is about 10 or 11 cause they are so cool at that age and can be so interested in learning. I love doing demonstrations of the living history stuff to that age group, they are just great! In fact, November 7th I will be doing one for a middle school 5th grade class, 300 kids in all, 20 at a time.
Kat you say you are “not as strong” as I am, but that isn’t true. You are as strong as YOU THINK YOU ARE! We all are. The ONLY thing that limits our strength and our power is what we think about it.
I’m glad that your son came home in one piece from the war. War is such a horrible thing for anyone to experience I am sure. I’ve never been to war, but I have been in 3rd world countries where I have seen things that most Americans wouldn’t even believe, in the way of poverty and suffering, hunger, etc. I am sure that being in a war or even seeing that kind of thing, and the poverty etc. has a profound impact on any young person. It sure had a profound impact on me to see children without enough to eat, etc.
Kat, don’t ever put yourself down about how strong you are, if you do that again I will have to get the BIG SKILLET out and BOINK you, Girlfriend!!! You have faced a LOT and are still STANDING, so you give yourself a big pat on the back from me, and write 500 times “Kat is STRONG” and turn it in on Monday! LOL (Hugs)
lolz.. I’m not strong Oxy.. one of the problems in my life has been I’ve been raised by an incredibly strong, can-do woman, who tried everything to make me strong and independent, always told me I could do anything I put my mind to. And I am very strong, mentally. But emotionally I am quite fragile. I have very little will to live, and just like that smouldering wick it has to be protected and nurtured every day. Yet it remains a flickering fire at best. My mom may look down on me and think I don’t try hard enough, but she doesn’t know how hard it is for me just to even get out of bed and go to school.
I wish I had someone who wanted me to work for them. I think it would be very healing for me to have a job I can depend on, with a boss that cares. But since I’m not “disabled” I have to enter the job market with the rest, and there is nobody looking out for me there. One of these days I’ll break this barrier.
I hope to break down some of my fear of dating too. I’m very lonely right now but of course avoiding men. However, I’m trying to keep reaching out in a limited way, and not to seal myself off completely (this blog is one of the ways I do this).
BTW Oxy I completely agree with you that working at the hospital must have been good for you.. not to feel so alone. Parents of murderers, I’ve always felt so sorry for them.. What consolation can they find?
Kat o nine tales,
I am a mum and sometimes my daughter says to me that I am too critical, what I think I’m saying to her is not what she is hearing. What I am doing is constructive criticism to help her develop, things such as telling her to make sure she doesnt rush her homework and does it to her ability. looking at where things could improve, but in a supportive way. I think the emotional turmoil S has caused has affected her confidence and so anything that could be seen as critisism however well meaning is very hurtful. I am now much more careful how I approach things with her. I’m sure your mother doesnt realise how it upsets you, would you feel able to tell her. Are you so sure that your mum looks down on you, or is that your perception of the situation? I think your no feeling very strong at the moment because you could have low confidence, have you thought about doing some volunteer work, that is sometimes a good way to get a feel for the workplace and can lead to paid employment in a fulfilling job. the positive in this is that your mum cared enough to bother about how you developed as a person, lots dont. I wish you the best.
Dear Kat,
I think Moraira’s suggestion of some volunteer work would be a GREAT idea! After I found out about the murder I shut myself off from everyone, literally lockedmyself in the house, didn’t answer the door, or the phone, and of course that was the worst thing I could have done. I was so ALONE even though I had my MIL, husband and son C living at home at that time. Good neighbors and good friends.
Sometimes when we have a “strong” parent, their “can do” attitude intimidates us. My mother was a business woman who even though she hit the “glass ceiling” still did very well in the business world. She was always giving me “constructive criticism” too—and second guessing my business and working decisions. Judging me if you will was my perception of it. I felt like no matter what I did I couldn’t measure up to her.
Your mom may not have been tryhing to “discourage” your strength but the RESULT may have been that you felt like you couldn’t “measure up” to her—just like I did. My mom’s continuall “encouragement” did just the OPPOSITE, and that is kind of what I am “hearing” coming from you.
Until I actually QUIT CARING what my mom things about me, I never felt competent even though I was competent.
I KNOW how hard it is to go to school and pass and work hard at school and have kids to raise, so if you can DO THAT, you CAN do whatever you want Kat. TELLING yourself you are NOT STRONG though, is MAKING YOU NOT STRONG.
The self-concepts we have, the “self talk” we do INFLUENCES what we are ABLE to do. I know you FEEL not strong, and it will take some time to change that, so I think the get a volunteer job, at the hospital, or a shelter or some place, doesn’t matter where you volunteer–the animal shelter, so me place that you can be appreciated and get some confidence in your abilities. I know you have them, you couldn’t have gotten that far in school without them.
You are right, there are groups for Parents of Murdered Children but there are no support groups for the parents of the killers, and we have “lost” just as much–we have lost our children. I have been “emotionally punished” 1000 times worse than my son has been punished by him being in prison. I think it is his natural environment, but for him being there I was “hung, drawn and quartered” emotionally. There is nothing that could have made me hurt worse, and there were times I would gladly have traded places with the mother of the girl he killed, and have had him dead and her in prison. It would have been easier on me.
Oxdrover have you not thought of setting up such a group, I’m sure there are so many parents around the world with the same emotional turmoil and no one to turn to, I think that sometimes parents of muderers are tarnished with the same brush as the murderer as if they could have prevented it. I think you seem a very knowledgeable and grounded person and have excellent insight, I think you would be very successful.
Dear Moraira,
Yes, I have thought about it, but until recently I was running a pretty good sized farm, two businesses and working as well. Then after my husband died 4 1/2 yrs ago, the PTSD and the constant P-chaos, taking care of my elderly and sick step father until his death, my mother’s illness and health and indpendence decline, etc. so “haven’t had time.” LOL
I am in the process of looking at starting some support group(s) but right now I am still focusing on my OWN healing and regaining my own strength. Part of my own problems is that I have GIVEN TOO MUCH TO OTHERS and not enough for myself most of my entire life–both personally and professionally–and so taking care of ME and learning about me, and regaining my own strength both physically and emotionally and mentally have been the priority for me, and only since August last year (after the arrest of my DIL and her BF, the Trojan HOrse P my son sent to kill us) have I even had a chance to START healing. I was a “basket case” emotionally and physically in August of last year. I didn’t get treatment for the tick fever until September.
I am learning to set boundaries for those close to me, friends and family. I still have the “urge” to help others, but am doing it ONLY in a “helpful” way, not in an enabling way. When I find myself being manuvered into the position of “enabling” others to continue their dysfunctional behavior I have to set boundaries and I am learning to do so WITHOUT GUILT. I am no longer taking on the responsibility for other people’s bad decisions and actions, and I am not allowing others to impose on me. That’s a BIG step for me. Taking care of ME is my most important lesson right now. The other will come, in time, God willing, but right now, I don’t have the reserve strength to reach out that direction.
Blogging here has helped me too, in that I think I can help others and be supportive, but I can do that at my own time, my own pace, and I also GET more from this blog than I ever give.
I totally understand where your coming from you are right it is about healing yourself. Just to realise that is half the battle.
first let me admit that i haven’t been able to read thru this entire thread . . . i’m in too much pain right now to take in other’s situations and pain . . .
so if i sound disconnected . . . i am.
if i sound out of sorts . . . i am.
tonight i’m finally lettting go of my 18 year relationship with a diagnosised sociopath. 18 years to this day. 16 years married as of 10/03.
it’s hard for me to write this. i HAVE to believe it’s finally over. i need strength in putting an end to it.
i need help. no one (obviously for all the obvious reasons) in my narrow world would comprehend or understand.
i need help letting this go.
i just need help . . . like i’ve never needed it before.
the most important thing is that i don’t let him walk back in. everytime he does, i die a little bit more. i don’t feel like i can afford to give up anything more.
i need help to finally end this.