Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Hey Little,
Nobody here will give up on you.. we have all been in the same place you are in right now. I was married for fifteen years to one of these guys, and when I finally got out permanently it was absolutely devastating.
What I did was before I left, I began to separate my life from his. I got all my papers together. I refused to put my name on any business of his. I withdrew from him emotionally, stopped arguing with him, began to shut him out, moved out of the bedroom. I also found a support group for adult children of alcoholics which was quite helpful in letting me see that I was not a crazy woman.
All this upset him VERY much and he became more and more abusive. I know my life was in danger at the end.
I don’t want anything to happen to you Little, so do your research, dry your tears for now, get anything you can salvage and MOVE OUT. Change your phone number and make sure he doesn’t know where you went. You can deal with legal stuff later on. Divorces with S/P’s are not like divorces with regular human beings.
Believe me Little, anything you lose will still be worth it. When you don’t have to listen to his crazymaking anymore you will be surprised how much better you feel. Even now when I wipe down the counters in my own little apartment it feels so good to be out on my own. You’ll be better, Little.. don’t give up even if it takes you a month to get out.
BTW if I were you I’d get my hands on just as much money as you can right now, because you won’t see any later on.
Well said Kat to what you wrote little. Well said.
Peace to all as we heal and grow stronger.
Little: As with all of life, there are good, loving, kind hearted therapists that will help you heal … and there are many therapist like our EXs. No clue, because they are the LIE. Not truth. I’m sorry you found a therapist the same makeup as your EX. If you need a therapist to help you, keep looking … there are competent, loving therapist out there too. You just have to keep looking for them. As soon as you know you can’t talk with the therapist … and the therapist doesn’t get it… move on a find another. You will eventually find a good, competent therapist.
My bosses all have the highest of degrees. All anti-social personalities doing damage in the world and not helping. Their MO to use against me … was what all mental health professionals know through out the world … what hurts humans and what heals. The only reason I beat them at their own game is I read everything and anything that came out in print for the last 40 so years of my life, not only 24 years of the health field, 20 years in my personal life as well. I was in the health field. And everything they used to destroy me what is in writing NOT to do to people.
So they all got what they wanted for me. Period. They destroyed themselves … not me. I was the voice and the light pointing at their darkness.
To this day, they are still putting their destructive spins into people’s lives.
So, be patient with your pain …. write to us, write to the professionals listed on the botton left side of your screen. We are all in this together … you and the rest of us as we heal from the pain our EXs caused in our lives.
Cheer up … life will be better as you move through and past the pain. As your name states … little, by little… Step by Step.
Peace.
kat: i have a question. i was never married to my ex. but he is married with two kids in that relationship (they met and had a baby when i first left him 15 yrs ago, but called me when she got pregnant and said he didn’t love her and please come back to him). i didn’t at that time. so he married her and had another child a few years later. then when his first kid was three, he had another baby with another girl. that child he does not see or pay child support. all this time i was not in his life, although we spoke frequently and spoke of our undying love for eachother. then i came back to him five years ago and things were great. still married, i saw and heard the lies he told her on a daily basis as he lived with me most of the time (“i can’t come home, i’m too tired to drive”), except weekends and a night or so a week.
then, i realized about a year ago he was doing the same thing to me. saying he was driving home but then the next day he would have the same clothes on (didn’t have his stuff at the new gf house yet), not answering his phone, the usual s/p crap. so i did what you did. started withdrawing emotionally, stopped arguing, stopped asking questions (what more did i need to know?), stopped being completely available. this made him furious, and the abuse became worse for me too. he started telling me he hated having sex with me (he had stopped having sex with me a month or so before), how he ‘never’ thought of me as his lover, how he wanted a ‘tight’ body and he was going to find one. when he finally confessed to having his new gf pregnant, i threw him out there and then. he was furious, told me he would always have a ‘vendetta’ against me (what did I do??), that i was disloyal, that i was not a good friend, that he knew i was a phony. he has left me alone, but i wonder:
does your ex ever try to reach you? does anyone get contacted again? do i still have to not answer my phone when the caller ID is unknown? or is over … over?
thanks.
dear Little,
You need to be strong now, please dont let him get back into your life, it wont be long before he is devastating you again. I made that mistake and he became even worse the second time round. at first he was charm itself and so sorry, he was crying so much that I was feeling sorry for him! but then it all started, the debt, the lying, the cheating, the aggression etc lack of any human emotion, he is still here and it is still going on I am emotionally drained and physically ill, so weak that I feel like his prisoner, I am not able to work so may lose my job. He verbally abuses his teenage daughter and is acting as if nothing has happened 10 minutes later. He is an emotional void, no empathy. Pity only for himself. So I beg you remember this in your weak momnets which I know there will be, you will want to hear his voice, want to feel his presence, crave for his attention. Remember he is only out for himself we are just the pawns. You are not missing his love because he is incapable of that. I wish you well and would give anything to be in yor situation now, however bad you think it is, it is not as bad as still being in the clutches of a S.
little; the dying part is what made me realize i needed out too. i literally felt that if i didn’t let him go, i would surely die; physically, emotionally, spiritually. i came damn close. so, dear one, we are all here to help and cheer you on, back to your health, back to your self.
the importance of NO CONTACT can not be overstated. any time you choose to have contact, s/p/n’s will again get over on you. after so many years, he knows your weaknesses, and when you think they’ve done the worse thing they can do, they do something worse. it’s mindboggling.
be good to yourself. take a long bath, get a facial, go for a walk in nature. anything to feel good about the world again.
i found that in the last year of my relationship to the no-good loser, i was being so mean to people, i was short with them, i was loathsome toward them. it was terrible and it wasn’t me. i was just in such a state of rage and anger i couldn’t help it. i hadn’t realized that i had become hard and angry and bitter from the multi-faceted and multi-layered abuse, and was projecting that on others.
now, with only seven weeks of NC, i am a human being again. i have already started to find my soft side and to forgive myself for being conned for so long –20 years.
we all know how you are feeling. and you CAN do this. once you get even a glimmer of who you were without his sickness washing over you every day, you will run toward that light again and rarely look back. and when you do look back, feel sad, miss him, etc., the strength of the feelings will be less and less.
you are not crazy. you are twisted like a pretzel because you listened to his words. don’t listen to one more twist! it is about you now. your healing. your life. your well-being. your livelihood. your health. he’s not worthy of one more iota of your energy.
LF literally saved my life when not one of my friends wanted to hear one more word about ‘him.’ no one understood the gravity of the situation except my friends here on this blog. come here as often as possible. when it starts sinking in just how incredibly sick (on EVERY level) these s/p/n’s are, you will start to feel better and realize it is not your fault … never was … never will be.
do at least ONE nice thing for yourself today. maybe attend a spiritual service. but bring tissue. when you start to hear the truth, the sickness he put in you will start to pour out. let it. let it. let it. but don’t dwell. you may be in the shadow of the valley of death, and that’s okay for now, but DO NOT pitch a tent there. keep walking toward the light of your ultimate freedom from this leech.
and don’t forget the battle cry of all of us here moving into our healing:
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Moaira and Little, Welcome, welcome, to the healing place. I wish you both that radiant freedom and joy that comes after leaving and finally healing from a relationship with a P.
Yes, we are their prisoners whether we know it or not, and breaking free is like leaving a dark cold cell and fianlly seeing a blue sky again.
I was with my P for 27 yrs, and finally ran out of hope or excuses, finally realized that his crazy making behavior was nothing but the most sadistic abuse (by stealth – subtle and deadly).
On the surface he seemed like a cut throat business man but an upstanding family man, NONE of my friends understood, and I even had to go NC with my oldest friend as she wanted to be “neutral”, even after hearing all the pain he put me thru.
When I split with him there were weeks where I literally could not sign my own name, my identity was so lost.
Last nite I went to a friends for dinner and everyone commented on how RADIANT I looked.
That is from the peace that comes from cutting them out of your life, from taking care of yourself.
I am still deep in the midst of the $$ and divorce battle, that is draining and scary, but even starting over at my age with possibly nothing does not compare in difficulty as trying to hang on to the fantasy of my “marriage” my “partner”.
It is hard on the kids, but eventually the P’s play their hand in such an awful way that the kids figure it out – sometimes way before we do.
Every once in a while there is still a relapse to a place of sadness and fear. Recently I was overwhelmed by sadness and morning, missing the person I had created in my head, the person I thought he was, the person who “took care” of me.
So I let that sadness be what it wanted to be, and now I have said goodbye to my imaginary friend.
Remember that you are both INCREDIBLY strong for having survived this long with the destructive behavior of a P. I think women especially have a deep sense of loyalty to the notion of their committment and love being “for better or worse”, and feel way to much guilt about abandoning our abuser.
The leaving will be incredibly hard, but not nearly as hard as staying in a situation that is dangerous and deadly to your self esteem, your health, let alone your peace of mind.
LF was my lifevest during the worst of the storm, and I am so glad you have come here, where EVERYONE understands the dark and lonely place you are in at present.
One of the biggest surprises for me has been to discover that I am perfectly happy being alone! Always my biggest fear, as I too came from disfunction and lack of nurturing etc. What I realize now is that I was always alone when I was with him. There were some good times and lots of distractions, and I did believe I was “loved” – but there was no warmth or understanding there. I used to refer to his condition as “emotional autism” until I learned about PSN’s.
One of the most profound books I have red lately is “The Power of NOW” by Eckhart Tolle. It has been a source of great comfort, and a guide to that deep place of inner peace that even a P cannot destroy.
Do NOTHING but take care of yourself, plan your exit, make sure you are safe, and remember, they CANNOT change, they do not get better. We do. Our lives have meaning. They are stuck in an endless game of trying to keep their own false image alive, at the expense of anyone who wanders into their path.
All my best wishes for peace and healing. The only way out of the darkness is to go through it. Then the new life and new hope can begin.
YES, we are far more alone with them than without them. and ain’t that a kick in the head?!
a few months ago i couldn’t even think of living without him. but now i realize that i didn’t know who i was anymore without his constant drama, needs, and demands. i thought he was important and that EVERYBODY (huh?) loved him. perhaps they do — every female wants to be with him and every guy wants to be like him. but even his male friends are his bitches. everyone he comes into contact with is nothing more than a means to his ends. realizing that has saved me from thinking i just wasn’t good enough for him. the truth is that i was everything he wasn’t and wanted to be: spirited, loving, caring, nurturing and REAL.
today i went to church and several friends commented on how ‘rested’ i looked. well, it’s nothing more than not having the daily agonizing stress of having my head twisted with lies and deceit and abuse. it’s liberating as hell — er — heaven!
peace and healing to all. these s/p/n’s are the worst form of toxic waste.
TOWANDA!!!!
Come to think of it, when my X-BF-P would come visit for a few days (he lived about 4 hrs away) as soon as he arrived I would dread him leaving, and the entire time he was gone I would “cease to live” and think of nothing but him coming back.
Lots of times he wouldn’t call me (one excuse or another) and I would think of nothing but him. It was like without him I didn’t exist. Even when he was here I was dreading him leaving cause then I wouldn’t exist again. Worse than any teenaged crush! UGH!!!!
hiya ox: exactly! every day i would come home from work and just wait for him to call, or try to reach him to find out if he was coming over. if he did, i spent the rest of the night catering to his drama and needs and trying to be noticed; and if not, i was depressed and couldn’t do a thing. pathetic.
finding yourself after these parasites leave is a big part of the battle. i think a lot of our ‘healing depression’ is simply about not knowing/remembering who we are without them. since he’s been gone i’m starting to do things i loved to do but which didn’t fit in to his paradigm so i dropped them.
it’s a great revelation and a joy each time i now remember and reintegrate a part of who i am … and who i loved. me!