This week two people contacted me, both adult daughters of sociopaths. In one case her father and in the other case her mother has psychopathic personality traits. Interestingly, both disordered parents claim to be “Christian” and the theme of our discussions was the disparity between what the parent says and what they do. Both women shared the belief that this disconnect between words and action is particularly damaging to children. I agree with this assertion because I have also seen it in other cases.
Why would the disconnect between words and actions be so damaging to children?
Consciousness develops gradually during childhood. Consciousness means connecting words, thoughts and feelings to what is happening in reality. Many children naturally idealize their parents and so are inclined to believe the version of reality their parents present in words. But what if the words and reality don’t in fact match? Consider the following example a father wrote to his daughter from prison. Keep in mind this father is a repeat offender who has defrauded and ruined many including family members:
I have a lot of time to sit here and ponder the course of my life. I know I have wronged the family, and for that I am truly sorry. I have been so selfish and stubborn… I haven’t seen or talked to you in well over a year and I can’t help but wonder the rippling effect that sends into the demonic realm. I hope all is well. I love you with the perfect love of the Father.
This is a perfect example of the way a sociopath communicates. His agenda isn’t apparent until the third to the last sentence. His agenda is to manipulate her into having contact with him. But unless you are aware of how a person with psychopathic personality traits operates, you wouldn’t necessarily get that. He starts out stating a fact, he has unlimited time in prison to think. Then it’s progressively out of reality from there. He also connects her failure to contact him with something demonic, suggesting that things might not “be well.” He concludes by proclaiming he has “perfect love.”
I have been chatting with the recipient of this letter for some time and can tell you the father, in addition to ruining her mother’s life was extremely verbally abusive. A parent who abuses while saying, “I love you with the perfect love of the Father,” inflicts wounds that are hard to heal. How can a child make any sense of this experience?
Dissociation- dealing with the disconnect
The different parts of our brains that perform different functions are functionally connected. Experiences we have during childhood but also throughout our lives, determine the functional connectivity of our brains. When reality doesn’t make sense our brains automatically compensate to create a coherent whole. So for example, a child whose parent abuses and says “I love you” may deny the abuse or blame it on themselves. Children whose parents, and adults whose partners continually do one thing while speaking the opposite experience a form of hypnosis. In this hypnotic state they only focus attention on the parts of reality that support the version of reality given to them by the sociopath. (If you have a lot of time read my story and see how this happened to me with disastrous consequences.) But what are the consequences of a childhood or adulthood habit of self-hypnosis? We don’t really know the full answer to that question.
How to heal
The first step in healing is realizing what happened to you and understanding that self-hypnosis or dissociation doesn’t mean you are crazy. It is a functional response to differing inputs. The next step is to fight the hypnosis. Stop having contact with the sociopath. If you do have to have communication, do not listen to the words, try to keep present in your mind the real actions of the sociopath. Tell yourself, “actions speak louder than words.”
Lingering questions
If you have experienced the disconnect between words and actions, I discuss here, you are undoubtedly asking yourself, “Do they do this on purpose?” or “Do they know what they are doing?” The answer is some do and some don’t. The ones that know what they are doing are perhaps more evil and the ones who don’t know what they are doing are perhaps more affected with psychopathy. No matter what, the sociopath makes a choice about what he/she does.
Because…”If we can’t beat the monster, we become the monster”….Sortof like the “stockholm syndrome”…
Just spoke of this on another thread. lol
Thanks Oxy. I’m real glad to be here.
I am reading at lightning speed, I NEED to “get” this. I have needed it all my life.
I have a freak gift for reading comprehension. I speed read and retain, like you wouldn’t believe. Don’t know how I came by it, never made a cent off it, but I love it! (I’m a sucky speller thought! lol!)
My mom was Irish Catholic, but I wouldn’t know if she believed in God. It was not a subject that was ever discussed at home. I went to catachism, made my first communion, got white dress and the new bible to prove it… I remember bringing home crayon pictures of Jesus with the baby lambs, and so on…I would give them to my mom, and later find them on the end table, right where I left them, with coffee cup circles all over them… I never felt like God was in our home. I made myself a little church, in the woods and I visited him there, when I needed to lol!
I remember asking, as an adult, why we did “all that”, (Christmas and Easter too…), if no one even believed in God? My sister said, “It’s just Family Tradition”.
FTR: I avoid this sister at all costs. When Scott Peck wrote, “The People Of The Lie”, it was people like her, he was talking about. When I was carrying my daughter, she told me that I “should have had my tubes tied, instead of having a kid I can’t afford”. She said this so casually, like commenting on the weather…I have not spoken to her since I had my daughter, some six yrs. now. She’s so hurtful. Recently she found me on FB and asked that I call her. I haven’t yet.
Your right Ox about the birth order having bearing on the experience, but just as you said in your article, the family LIE had to be perpetuated at all costs. My older sisters STILL lie, to their GROWN children. Like telling them the “dog ran away”, when they really had it put down. They believe they are PROTECTING the “kids” from painful realities. I despise that sh^t!
My mom was also a closet alcoholic. Vodka was her, Drug Of Choice”. She was Sooo good I never even suspected till I found a rather large collection of gallon jugs hidden in her room…
I witnessed her beat my second oldest sister bloody when I was four. I was in the our room, playing with my dolls on the floor, when the door slammed open. My mom slammed it open with my sisters face. She had her by the hair, She threw her on the bed and started slamming her face into the bed rail, I saw my sisters face come up, then go down, again and again. Then her face came up and I couldn’t even see it, cause it was covered in blood.
After my mom left the room, I tried to clean her face with toilet paper. I was so scared, and she told me to leave the room before my mom came back…
Not trying to shock… I say this because I NEVER remembered that happening! Then when I was around thirteen, I started having reoccurring nightmares about it, in great detail…
I still didn’t believe it actually happened… I thought it might be a premonition that “something” bad was gonna happen to my sister. (who was married and living in a different state at this time) So I decided to warn her.
When I was 16, I went to see her, I told her about the dreams. They were always the same. Exactly. Right down to the wall-paper, dialog, EVERYTHING. (which I though was odd!).
So when I told my sister about the strange dreams, her face drained of color. She pulled her hair back from her forehead and showed me a long broad scar. Just at the hair-line. Then she said,”That’s not a dream. It happened, just like your telling it. As soon as she filled in a detail or two, it just came flooding back. It was awefull. We cried. The dreams went away after that.
So I KNOW all my brothers and sisters, know about this stuff…and suffered similarly, some things I saw and remember, some not…I do NOT understand the “Happy Family” ones…
Over the years I distanced myself from everyone. I rarely see them now.
I am SO allergic to lies now! And the people who tell them. Even the one’s that are just thought to be “common curtsey” bug me… but I defer to Good Manors…lol.
Snow…..
You have YOURSELF!!! I mean that. YOU can make yourself a cup of tea…YOU can talk to yourself..lol ..YOU can take care of yourself.
And, do you realize that you will only be alone if you choose to be?
I love being alone. But, when I want people around, I go out and talk to people. I met new people last night in a yoga class. I talk to people when I’m browsing in the thrift store..
Its a HUGE world out there..and if you get out and join groups and talk to people…they respond!
In time, you will meet someone special to bring into your world.
I felt the same way..since my xbf texted me all day long..hour by hour and I got addicted to having someone think of me all day long. But, in reality, he was lonely and bored and using me for excitement! At first I missed this, but now I’m realizing that he was really a pain in the a$$. He rarely took me out..it was a texting r/s…and phone r/s.
I thought he was a “friend” who cared…but it was really all about HIM..HIS needs. And, I don’t miss it.
You will only be alone in this world if you choose to be. Go to healthy places…get out and meet people….
Gyms, classes, meetup groups online…
Don’t settle for him …you can find a warm body anywhere.
sky, have you seen the bbc documentary film “The Most Hated Family in America?” ( It’s about the Phelps family/Westboro Baptist Church) I watched it a couple years ago and i thought it was excellent ( In it, a very perceptive journalist stays with these people for a few days (? weeks? ) to get an “insiders” view on their lifestyle. Anyway, I liked him- very empathetic guy, plus he took a very unbiased approach to it all. It also in one bit, stars Fred Phelps himself- and his behavior is VERY bizarre… wtf moments abound ) What is also interesting to note is the very odd and often cloistered family dynamics- though its subtle to catch- it borders on disturbing at times.
Anyway, it’s available to watch here for free on google video for anyone who might be interested :
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7735501683185935638&hl=en
Dear Safeguard,
WOW, thanks for sharing that….how scary. My egg donor ( I don’t call her “mother” as she didn’t earn the title) is a hard core enabler, and punishes if you don’t go along with the family motto of “let’s pretend we are a nice normal family.” Funny thing after my P son’s “Trojan Horse psychopathic” ex cell mate was arrested and had failed to kill me so my son could inherit, and all this was faciliated by my egg donor and my older biological son as well as his wife and the Trojan horse, and everyone was in jail except me and my adopted son, and the son whose wife had tried to kill him had fled to Te4xas, my egg donor actually SAID OUT LOUD TO ME when I said to her “we need to talk” she said
“No, let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over.”
I actually couldn’t believe she SAID IT ALOUD…it HAD BEEN the family motto for sure but NO MORE…I couldn’t do it any more. No more “forgiving” meaning that I TRUSTED someone who had repeatedly hurt me. No, forgiving now just means to get the bitterness out of my heart, it does NOT mean I trust any more.
I’m by the lies like you are and about 18 months ago my oldest biological son lied to me and I tossed him out on his ear….NO MORE LIES. He didn’t get it that it wasn’t JUST THAT ONE LIE, but all the ones he had told before….all the betrayals and if I couldn’t trust him to be 100% truthful with me NOW, I couldn’t handle being around him. He still doesn’t get it. He isn’t a psychopath, but he is NOT the kind of man I want as a friend, even if I did give birth to him. We still cooperate in the effort to keep my son Patrick in prison when his parole times come up, but the thing is that it benefits my son C as well….so he can be trusted to help with that. Otherwise, I don’t have a need for him in my life.
Skylar,
Thanks for the link, I’ll check that out…
There’s a film they showed us in the DV shelter. It’s a chilling video of a women’s spath, emotionally, then physically abusing her. The women was in a shelter, and she was told how hard it is to prove DV. in court, so she say’s “what if there a tape of it ?”. Stunned workers hear how spath ordered her 15 yr old son to FILM his moms abuse! This tape got the spath a 35 yr prison term. The judge cried when he described that film.
The women’s son, the one who filmed it, balled his head off, on the witness stand, and admitted how horribly spath abused his mom.( he cried hard when he was asked why he agreed to film it, he did not have an answer, as I recall).
BUT… her two OLDER kids, one son and her daughter HATE her, for putting their dad in prison, and insist there WAS NO abuse that they knew of!!!
That woman is safe now, but her sadness is profound. I’ll see if I can find a link to the video. It’s an excellent example of her spath ex gaslighting, twisting her words, and so forth.
Nancy,
I just couldn’t watch it. I tried. ugh. those people are so nasty. The reason I posted the Phelps story, is just to illustrate how people can suffer horrible physical abuse and then deny it happened.
The law should re-define what religion is and what they are allowed to do. Phelps’s church is not a church at all.
Safe,
When children can see a video of abuse and deny it, still, I think it’s cog/dis. I had it for many years too. Still working to get past it.
Ox,
missed your comment while replying to Sky…
Funny… when you tell your story, It is TOTALLY familiar to me.
As in, I could see something like this go down in my family. Yes. absolutely. I have no problem following the thread, cast of characters or how they operate. My moms family had plenty of N/P’s the worst of whom I (fortunately), never met as he was in prison since I was small.
I am sometimes taken aback by stories like Sky’s about her spath hang at the cop shop…I can’t imagine it, cause my spath would never be able to ingraciate himself with people of power. He lacks the sophistication for that, he is low on social charisma lol! He is, like someone else said, Like a 12yr old…
But with your story ,I feel right at home, (sadly). Out of my four grown sons, there are two, that I just can’t be around. We have vastly different value systems. One of them even hangs out with my current spath. Speaking of betrayal… It’s really painful, but you can learn to accept with grace, even the most painful realities after a while, if you can’t change them…
I love and appreciate your work here Ox. There’s a saying, “If you want to know what’s up the road, ask someone coming back down it”…
Sure glad I ran into you on this journey…
Dear Safeguard,
Thanks you, Safeguard, I’m just glad you are safe at this point, and sorry that one of your kids is like your S-path. I think that is the most painful betrayal of all, even though ANY betrayal is painful.
It is “funny” that some of the stories here are so UN-believable that they are not even good fiction…my new therapist (several years ago) thought I was a paranoid nut job and I had to take in witnesses and documentation to prove that my whole family really WAS trying to kill me. LOL
I more recently hired an attorney in Texas to represent me at my son’s parole hearing and fight AGAINST his parole, and I interviewed this attorney over the phone and he did NOT believe me either until I sent him a bushel basket of letters from my son and the attorney called back and said “He REALLY **IS** A BAD MAN” LOL Yea, even the attorney who deals with this all the time was gobsmacked by how cold blooded my son is. The police report would make a statue cry…how he planned it all out in advance and shot her point blank in the head then went home and went to sleep like nothing had happened.
Skylar’s story is just as “crazy” as mine….but I know for a fact she is telling the truth, her X is a killer and proud of it. He does his killing by sneaking and making it look like an accident…but there is not any doubt that it is true just not enough evidence to prove it was HIM in a court of law. Donna’s story and Liane’s and many many others here have stories that would make anyone think they were crazy….it is a wonder any of us are NOT insane and can’t find our ways out of the abyss.
The statistics are that 85% of women who are physically abused by men go back. I don’t doubt that, so you are in the TOP 15% at least just by escaping. So give yourself a big pat on the back! The road to healing will be bumpy, curvy, and up hill for a while yet and lots of pot holes, but you just need to keep your eyes set on the horizon and keep on trucking! ((hugs)))
I got a call today i’d figure i’d get at one point or another…..but today it came…..
And I had to fend the ‘guilt’ off for not being the ‘good’ daughter.
My mother was diagnosed with B. Cancer….it’s not lethal…..it’s treatable…..BUT nonetheless……i’ve heard all the family tell me how I….I NEED to BURY THE HATCHET!!!!
All the while i’m thinking…..WHAT….IN HER BREAST?!?!?!?
Now….I wouldn’t wish C on anyone…..but WHY does this diagnosis earn my mother another chance with me?
The betrayal was HUGE….HUGE!!! And where was she…..when I was holding the C card? BUT, i’m having trouble containing my empathy…..
I’d feel stressed and resentful if I called and she thought it was all brushed under the rug and carried on from there.
I have boundaries for those in my life now…..and her not getting it and them putting us in danger and participating in her crap with spath….CROSSED ALL BOUNDARIES!
I don’t want that ‘door’ opened! I wrestled to close it……it will never be what I need from a parental relationship, anger will be there, denial will always be present…..I KNOW this! But why…..does this news affect me????? Is it the learned behaviors that I was the one who was ALWAYS there for them?????
I had a convo yesterday with a friend…..about breaking old patterns of ‘conditioning’…..and low n behold….here is shows up for me too!
WHY AM I WRESTLING even in the slightest with this…….I don’t want my life ruled by guilt…..due to fear of letting my ‘parents’ down….I KNOW BETTER!!!!!
(It proly doesn’t help that it’s that time of the month either!!!)