This week two people contacted me, both adult daughters of sociopaths. In one case her father and in the other case her mother has psychopathic personality traits. Interestingly, both disordered parents claim to be “Christian” and the theme of our discussions was the disparity between what the parent says and what they do. Both women shared the belief that this disconnect between words and action is particularly damaging to children. I agree with this assertion because I have also seen it in other cases.
Why would the disconnect between words and actions be so damaging to children?
Consciousness develops gradually during childhood. Consciousness means connecting words, thoughts and feelings to what is happening in reality. Many children naturally idealize their parents and so are inclined to believe the version of reality their parents present in words. But what if the words and reality don’t in fact match? Consider the following example a father wrote to his daughter from prison. Keep in mind this father is a repeat offender who has defrauded and ruined many including family members:
I have a lot of time to sit here and ponder the course of my life. I know I have wronged the family, and for that I am truly sorry. I have been so selfish and stubborn… I haven’t seen or talked to you in well over a year and I can’t help but wonder the rippling effect that sends into the demonic realm. I hope all is well. I love you with the perfect love of the Father.
This is a perfect example of the way a sociopath communicates. His agenda isn’t apparent until the third to the last sentence. His agenda is to manipulate her into having contact with him. But unless you are aware of how a person with psychopathic personality traits operates, you wouldn’t necessarily get that. He starts out stating a fact, he has unlimited time in prison to think. Then it’s progressively out of reality from there. He also connects her failure to contact him with something demonic, suggesting that things might not “be well.” He concludes by proclaiming he has “perfect love.”
I have been chatting with the recipient of this letter for some time and can tell you the father, in addition to ruining her mother’s life was extremely verbally abusive. A parent who abuses while saying, “I love you with the perfect love of the Father,” inflicts wounds that are hard to heal. How can a child make any sense of this experience?
Dissociation- dealing with the disconnect
The different parts of our brains that perform different functions are functionally connected. Experiences we have during childhood but also throughout our lives, determine the functional connectivity of our brains. When reality doesn’t make sense our brains automatically compensate to create a coherent whole. So for example, a child whose parent abuses and says “I love you” may deny the abuse or blame it on themselves. Children whose parents, and adults whose partners continually do one thing while speaking the opposite experience a form of hypnosis. In this hypnotic state they only focus attention on the parts of reality that support the version of reality given to them by the sociopath. (If you have a lot of time read my story and see how this happened to me with disastrous consequences.) But what are the consequences of a childhood or adulthood habit of self-hypnosis? We don’t really know the full answer to that question.
How to heal
The first step in healing is realizing what happened to you and understanding that self-hypnosis or dissociation doesn’t mean you are crazy. It is a functional response to differing inputs. The next step is to fight the hypnosis. Stop having contact with the sociopath. If you do have to have communication, do not listen to the words, try to keep present in your mind the real actions of the sociopath. Tell yourself, “actions speak louder than words.”
Lingering questions
If you have experienced the disconnect between words and actions, I discuss here, you are undoubtedly asking yourself, “Do they do this on purpose?” or “Do they know what they are doing?” The answer is some do and some don’t. The ones that know what they are doing are perhaps more evil and the ones who don’t know what they are doing are perhaps more affected with psychopathy. No matter what, the sociopath makes a choice about what he/she does.
Milo- 🙂 nice story
Dear Milo,
Your picture of your grandson in the pony cart with the Amish boy brought tears to my eyes…you know I agree with you, sometimes we wonder if what we are doing for our “kids” (and your grandson is your kid) is worth it…especially when we realize that the outcome may not be as positive as we would have wanted due to things that are not under our control.
I do know this though, that your grandson will have had as normal and as good a childhood as anyone in the world could have provided for him, and there’s no way you or anyone else can control what happens after that.
I gave everything I could to raising my kids, doing what I thought was best for them, putting my own needs and desires on hold and giving those resources and that time to my kids’ welfare. I didn’t get much “return for my money” with one son in Prison for murder and the other one a jerk that I don’t care to associate with…but you know, I still have those great memories of my kids when they were young, and I did the RIGHT thing, the best I could do it, and that is some satisfaction to me.
I admire you Milo, and your labors are not wasted, no matter how Grand turns out in the end….you’ve done the best you can with what you had to work with, and I firmly believe that is all any of us can do…the best we can. God bless you, Milo (((hugs)))
Oxy ~ I KNOW that you did all that you could possibly do for your kids – you did the RIGHT thing. I hope, at some point, we will come to learn “God’s plan” for us.
Until then, I will enjoy the treasured moments.
Dear Milo,, sometimes those “treasured moments” are all the earthly reward we will get…I found a “book” my P son did in second grade for mother’s day…it was each page he had to complete the phrase “My mother’ (something)……” One was “my mother’s hands are made for ___________” and he had filled in the blanks with “milking goats.” LOL
He also wrote a story about “Andy the alegater” that was so cute. I threw out most of the things I’d saved from his grade school years, but I just couldn’t bring myself to toss those two things. LOL Sentimental slob that I am! LOL I piled all of son C’s grade school things together and put them into a box and when I saw him last gave them to him. Guess D can toss out Patrick’s stuff when I die. LOL
I just keep a separation between the man in the cell and that cute little boy.
After several years of marriage it hit me, and “it” is what caused me to start proclaiming to my SP ex, “Just because you say it, doesn’t mean it’s true.” This phrase has become my “reminder” when I suspect I am dealing with a SP. I need this reminder because I still carry romantic views of people and want to trust their words.
Trla, AMEN!!!! Good thought!
Trla, I get what you mean about carrying romantic views of people and trusting their words.
“Actions Over Words” is a mantra I’ve been trying to drum into my head for a while now because if you think about it, it really is one of the most important tools a person can have to weed out spaths. Honest, genuine people’s actions line up with their words. Spaths hide behind lies, thus the dischord (crazy-making/bafflegabbing) we feel when our reality is at odds with what we’re being told.
For a while I wondered why my own mother never taught me the importance of Actions Over Words. Duh. Now I know why! I’d have sniffed her out a lot sooner and she certainly didn’t want her cover blown.
I have come across this web site…it is really interesting to read.
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm
Whirlwind,
Thanks for reminding me about that site. It is filled with information on spaths.
I found another one here:
http://www.cassiopaea.org/cass/political_ponerology_lobaczewski.htm
It’s long and requires patience to read, but it’s worth it.
E.