This week two people contacted me, both adult daughters of sociopaths. In one case her father and in the other case her mother has psychopathic personality traits. Interestingly, both disordered parents claim to be “Christian” and the theme of our discussions was the disparity between what the parent says and what they do. Both women shared the belief that this disconnect between words and action is particularly damaging to children. I agree with this assertion because I have also seen it in other cases.
Why would the disconnect between words and actions be so damaging to children?
Consciousness develops gradually during childhood. Consciousness means connecting words, thoughts and feelings to what is happening in reality. Many children naturally idealize their parents and so are inclined to believe the version of reality their parents present in words. But what if the words and reality don’t in fact match? Consider the following example a father wrote to his daughter from prison. Keep in mind this father is a repeat offender who has defrauded and ruined many including family members:
I have a lot of time to sit here and ponder the course of my life. I know I have wronged the family, and for that I am truly sorry. I have been so selfish and stubborn… I haven’t seen or talked to you in well over a year and I can’t help but wonder the rippling effect that sends into the demonic realm. I hope all is well. I love you with the perfect love of the Father.
This is a perfect example of the way a sociopath communicates. His agenda isn’t apparent until the third to the last sentence. His agenda is to manipulate her into having contact with him. But unless you are aware of how a person with psychopathic personality traits operates, you wouldn’t necessarily get that. He starts out stating a fact, he has unlimited time in prison to think. Then it’s progressively out of reality from there. He also connects her failure to contact him with something demonic, suggesting that things might not “be well.” He concludes by proclaiming he has “perfect love.”
I have been chatting with the recipient of this letter for some time and can tell you the father, in addition to ruining her mother’s life was extremely verbally abusive. A parent who abuses while saying, “I love you with the perfect love of the Father,” inflicts wounds that are hard to heal. How can a child make any sense of this experience?
Dissociation- dealing with the disconnect
The different parts of our brains that perform different functions are functionally connected. Experiences we have during childhood but also throughout our lives, determine the functional connectivity of our brains. When reality doesn’t make sense our brains automatically compensate to create a coherent whole. So for example, a child whose parent abuses and says “I love you” may deny the abuse or blame it on themselves. Children whose parents, and adults whose partners continually do one thing while speaking the opposite experience a form of hypnosis. In this hypnotic state they only focus attention on the parts of reality that support the version of reality given to them by the sociopath. (If you have a lot of time read my story and see how this happened to me with disastrous consequences.) But what are the consequences of a childhood or adulthood habit of self-hypnosis? We don’t really know the full answer to that question.
How to heal
The first step in healing is realizing what happened to you and understanding that self-hypnosis or dissociation doesn’t mean you are crazy. It is a functional response to differing inputs. The next step is to fight the hypnosis. Stop having contact with the sociopath. If you do have to have communication, do not listen to the words, try to keep present in your mind the real actions of the sociopath. Tell yourself, “actions speak louder than words.”
Lingering questions
If you have experienced the disconnect between words and actions, I discuss here, you are undoubtedly asking yourself, “Do they do this on purpose?” or “Do they know what they are doing?” The answer is some do and some don’t. The ones that know what they are doing are perhaps more evil and the ones who don’t know what they are doing are perhaps more affected with psychopathy. No matter what, the sociopath makes a choice about what he/she does.
After 2 weeks of no contact with SPD, I let him in to talk tonight hoping he would understand that he has to stay away now and he can’t keep coming over here and knocking at all hours anymore like he has been doing the last 2 weeks. Mostly after 2 am.
Anyway, he saw some notes I’ve been keeping since June about his behavior and how I feel and how I need to get away from him and other stuff and also the part where I wrote that I had slept with someone else during one of our break-ups when I was pretty messed up in the head with thinking that SPD didn’t want me even though SPD kept saying that he did want me. You know the drill. SPD’s actions didn’t add up to his words day after day after day.
Now I’m slime for sleeping with someone else and SPD is telling me that I have hurt his feelings and he was almost able to jerk a tear, but still pulled away when I tried to stupidly explain to him that I would not have slept with anyone if he had only been nicer and more honest about what he really wanted from me and that since that time I had been thinking that somehow I could work it out with HIM/SPD. Apparently all I have are excuses and am now trying to blame him for me cheating and that now he can see why I always thought that he was being sneaky and dishonest just because I didn’t know where he was or who he was with or what he was doing…….it’s because I cheated on him!!
I don’t think I cheated. SPD was cruel. I had broken up with SPD when he demanded that I stop asking him if he wanted me in his life or not and that I should just know the answer. All I knew was that he was a disappearing act without recollection of where he had been or with whom, who was also rude, mean, antagonizing and demeaning in the process so, yeah I went to see a friend for some tenderness I can only suppose.
Anyway, I think SPD will finally stay away now because he can say I am a cheater. But I am so mad that he found out because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing what I did. I KNOW why I did it. I was sad. I wanted to be wanted.
TO SPD: I did not cheat. We were not together at the time because you are a sociopath….I just didn’t know you were a sociopath when I slept with that other man.
Ahhhh this sounds all too familiar. He WILL come back. I used to ask him “If I did such a terrible thing how can you forgive me?” and he would always just say “he loved me too much” Well, then if you thought I’m such a bad person and a cheater how can you want me back? Well its simple, they KNOW we didn’t cheat its just a way to project and blame. It seems like you still in the “I have to prove my innocence” stage no? One of my biggest regrets is trying to do this. You won’t win. No matter if you had proof right in front of his face he’d find a way to find another way to blame you for his actions. I went to many lengths to expose my exspath…I contacted his ex to get the truth, and told his new girlfriend what a liar and a cheater he his and even showed emails and texts about him wanting me back…when he was finally exposed he assaulted me and threatened me…then told everyone I was crazy. Of course I did look crazy, but he knew why…he totally knew.
This where the no contact is so important. Every time you let him back into your life, even if it is just a short visit. An email, message or phone call, you allow him to inflict more pain on you. Believe me it took months for me to learn that but I finally did. Any contact with him and you are asking for more abuse. Because this where they get their satisfaction and control from. From getting a reaction out of you. It’s like they put a knife into you and twist it and enjoy the pain they are putting you through. Don’t talk to him. Remember whatever comes out of sociopaths mouth is worthless. I enforced the no contact 6 months ago, including my son who is not a minor not talking to him. I still can’t believe what an enormous difference it made. You take the control away and they are in agony. For once let him experience pain and suffering. Good luck. Jenna Marie. I also learned its best to stay away from a new relationship so soon. It takes a long time to “find” yourself again after years of abuse. I would not complicate it with having a “new” man.
When I went into NC, he kept calling and leaving voice mail pretended to be nice and then got angry. I had changed my number but he got it from friends, but I blocked him. I can’t block texts from my phone (really)so he sent “nice” messages and then when I ignored him, got nasty. After I ignored his nasty message I didn’t hear from him for two weeks. I was feeling stronger and really thought he had gone away. But after the two weeks, at 2 in the morning, he texted a picture of a woman in a sexy pose etc and said it was his honey and he does $%#^ to her. I didn’t feel hurt or angry. I had all ready knew his cheating and I was past all that pain of betrayal. Plus it was a studio shot. but even had it been a real on of him and her, it would just confirm how cruel he is. But he still got to touch base with me even though he didn’t know whether I received the text or not. Best to get a new phone with good features and a new number again……you might secretly harbor the thought he has changed….and that is the problem we discuss here over and over and over again so we know and stand strong together…He Won’t Change….
Vision
You are right about he won’t change. I was waiting for him to “change” for 20 plus years. Instead the abuse, the lying and cheating got worse over the years. We desperately want him to change, we almost believe in it. Looking back now I actually believed his lies but I noticed one thing. It was difficult for him to look into my eyes. There was this coldness, almost “full of hatred” look. I think this is when I realized that something was just not right and I started “investigating”. And I became good at it. From putting spyware on our home computer to putting a “child safety locator ” on his phone which was all registered in my name. Once he was exposed the lies continued and he thought he was getting smarter at hiding “stuff”. When he no longer succeeded he left for the other woman. I guess that was his long planned exit. When he kept trying to get a reaction out of me I got a new phone no and email. He still tried to upset me through my sons phone no and email. But we just ignored all of it and it stopped. I was able to realize all this had nothing to do with me or even the other woman. It was all him and nobody can fix his evilness, not even medication. I have accepted now that my “life as it was” is over and the present and future look much brighter. I will never let a man disrespect me like this again.
Hi, Kya48!, Im new to this website, your comment about he will never change sounds familiar we have been married for going on 17 yrs, has cheated on me probably most of our marriage, just 2 yrs ago found out about him having a baby with a woman that I knew and just recently in may had another baby! and I like a dummy beliving everything he says thinking he’s gonna change he has to for our kids! nope it still saddens me , we are still married. I tell him im going to divorce him, he ignores me. I did some investigating about his last relationship that he had a baby with and he got so upset! Im not sure what to do ? Like you say I keep saying I will never let him disrespect me again! but cant seem to end this horrible relationship!
Noway95 – welcome to Lovefraud. No, he will never change. If you want a change in your life, you’re going to have to find your strength and make the change.
Ms Donna is so right. I know how you feel. It was very difficult for me to file for divorce. He made the first step by discarding and leaving us after 20 years. So that helped me in making the decision to file and end it. I know it takes a lot of courage and I am not sure where I got the strength from. You say, he has children with other women. I think this is the most disrespect he could put on you. Think about yourself and if you want to live like this until who knows. Believe me he won’t change. It will only get worse. I am ready to give up material things, house and money, but I will not live his lie anylonger. My son and I deserve better and my soon to be ex does not deserve us in his life. His life full of porn, sex and cheating. I cannot be a part if this anymore. Be strong, find the courage and say “I am done “. If wasn’t easy but I did it. 🙂
The thing is I know you guys are right, its so hard I cant believe this betrayal, says it was all my fault that he chated on me, but ok really 2 kids in 2 years! still makes me sick I know me and my children deserve better, I know hes gonna fight me when I file for divorce ,Im avoiding having problesm with him I don’t want anymore drama than Ive already had these past 2 years being separated from him, plus I really don’t get any child support! I will try to find courage Im gonna be a wreck!,thanks for your advice, I thought I was the crazy one never knew he was a sp, but I see all the signs for sure.:(
I know what you mean. I thought I was the “crazy” one also. It’s called “crazy making”. My soon to be ex twisted everything that I thought I was the cause for his affairs. I feel so bad for you that he had other children out there. I really don’t know why they get married if they cannot keep the commitment. Luckily my husband cannot have any more children. No child should be put through that. I am glad my son is 19 and not a minor. My advice would be to save some money, get yourself an aggressive attorney (I talked to several before retaining one that I truly felt comfortable with) and change your life. Looking back now I wish I would have done it sooner. Your children will get older and they might learn and accept that it’s ok to act like their father. I learned that my son would rather have one loving parent then a lot of “crazyness”. I think you will know when you finally have enough. I wouldn’t tell him about divorcing him. They don’t care believe me. I am in the midst of this ugly, messy divorce and he comes up with so many lies to make me look “bad”. But you know what. Not once have I regretted the decision to file. Good luck and don’t give up hope. Especially if you have minor children and the fact that he had affairs, I think the court would favor your position.
“they won’t change”,
but what if they changed us and we don’t know it ..?
I’m confused tonight and need to throw this out there. Am I still a victim and is it okay to keep thinking that I am, in order to put a name to the abuse I went through and learn to recover if I did something during the whole fiasco that I myself wouldn’t like very much if it happened to me? Am I like Him?
I have been victimized by him for 3+ years which was not easy for me to accept, and I was finding solace in reading Lovefraud and other sites to learn about sociopaths and where I fell in the Empath scale and how things about me allowed him to target me so effortlessly.
spending a lot of time trying to convince myself that I wasn’t doing anything to cause this evil minded person to treat me so badly, slowly seeing things for what they really are, and it sort of felt like I had the right, the room, space and cause to…um….Complain? is that the right word? , or maybe “Wallow” in how bad I was treated by him so I could use the advice on these sites that worked for me, to recover from Him. Hoping that maybe, perhaps some of it would help me recover my soul……as the victim, remember.
…that is up until 3 nights ago when He saw some journal notes about me sleeping with two men during two of the many breakups we had. I don’t know how to continue wallowing in ‘victim-hood’ because maybe I am just like him. Why on Earth did I do that?! Answer: to retaliate for his “other young girls during our breakups”. Retaliate- What an ugly word that has never had a place in my life before I met Him. Am I like him now?
my exSpath who I’ll call “Edweird”, reacted as if I had cheated on him and at that point I saw it on his face…..I knew what that look meant…. it meant that everything was going to be my fault again. And sure enough, it was as if suddenly, the last 3 plus years of his horrid behavior toward me vanished into thin air. Gone. Poof. Never happened. (you know the story, all the fights we ever had were because I must have been cheating the whole time and had a guilty conscience) blah blah blah blah.
He alternated between ranting and the silent treatment for an hour before he left when I had “answered” one of his “rhetorical” questions when I should have more intelligence to know the difference between a real question and a rhetorical one and that he can see that all I am doing is insulting him by pretending to listen or care about what he had to say anyway, like always.
I feel like the all the abuse I went through has now somehow been completely invalidated by his reaction to the journal note and his being able to blame me for all the crap again, and that there will never be a sliver of hope that one day he might have some feelings of regret about the abuse if only for a milisecond, even though that sounds strange to say because they don’t care anyway…..
did I mess around with two other men because I am like Edweird?
Am I a victim?
I don’t know anymore.
really.
I am having trouble accepting that I am a victim again and I don’t know what to think.
Am I like Him?
I’m numb.
can’t think this through quite right
I went through this same thing about a month ago, I found the ex-husband of the woman he just had a babay with in may, and since my husband kept denying this was his baby, I emailed her ex-husband. I needed to know! so her ex confirmed this baby was indeed my husbands! this guy kept calling me we kept talking we even went out a couple times and hung out, spoke almost everyday, so one day he told me my husband was at the womans house it made me so upset, the next day I told my husband to tell me the truth I told him I know he was with her when the baby was born and he figured out that I was talking to her ex and than he went off on me , again making me feel like how dare I question him , this was my fault blah blah !
I get how you feel like am I like him playing his games ? Still asking myself was this really wring that I went and did this to him I shouldn’t have done this I just made things worse, I strted crying he wouldn/t answer his phone I told him I was sorry! They really know how to turn everything around and make us feel like the guilty ones ,but really this is how they work and play mind games with us, all through my marriage everything is my fault. I can see how you feel numb and don’t know how to feel , it is hard to recover from this I too know I am still going through this, still trying to find my way out. Please know you are not alone , like kaya says the past is gone we can only look forward and be strong. 🙂 good luck!
noway95, yes they do know how to turn things around and put all the blame on us. There was more than one time that I told him “fine, blame me for everything, I don’t care” during those breakups that I just couldn’t take it from him anymore.
I feel I tried my best to resolve issues as they arose but trying to talk about the real issues with him was like trying to tie a ribbon to a bumble-bee in flight without touching it. Impossible.
He is one of those types that talks and talks and talks about nonsense to distract from the real issues and spends hours giving me examples and analogies on why his way of thinking about stuff should not even be questioned. I happily took the blame back then just to get him to stop his crap on me. Until I took him back the next time and the next.
He was here at 4:00 AM this morning, knocking on my bedroom window and back door. Saying things like “he just needs a hug” “if I really don’t have some other man in here, then just open the door and prove it” “please help me trust you and just open the door”, “dont get mad if you find out that I found someone else and try to stop it like the other times before” (yep, he even said that).
He threw things in my face from this last summer when we apart and eventually I had to go into the bathroom and turn on the fan in order to not hear him talking crap through the windows. He finally left after about 25 minutes of baiting me to open the door and let him. I really feel like all he has left to do to me now is hurt me as bad or worse than he ever has before, so I am kinda cautiously afraid of him now and will never let him in again.
I only spent 3 years with him, off and on. If he hates me so much, why does he keep coming around and saying things that no longer make any more sense now than they did before? Yeah, dumb question I suppose. He is what he is.
His mask is completely off and he cannot stand it that he cannot trick me so easily anymore, right? Is that it….I don’t know.
You know I think it does make them crazy knowing that we are on to them and we know how to whats thw word ? I guess just go along with it now ? This is what I do, he knows now I can play that game too, which is what makes them so furious! I know he is still using me though to which Im just lying low right now still trying to figure out my way out, but everytime he gets mad at me all he does is say something about what I did with his girl’s ex! like oh your not home your out? oh did you go to the movies or dinner with whats his name?!!! This is what he does now! Like you say if he hates me so much for what I did , than why do you still call me?? So far the past 2 women that he has children with he has used one he got a car out of, and the other money! so sick I cant belive this is still my husband! yet he has an excuse for all those things! He or they are very good lirs, can look me in the eyes and lie lie lie! and I believed it all!!! you are right the mask is off now I see right through him , this is what they are sociopaths, now I know after almost 20 years!!! you are lucky , at least you caught on now before he does extreme damage like mine did, or keeps doing. I’m like what next????
noway95,
I am starting to think I may need an eye witness. He’s been very careful not to do his sociopathic narcissistic thing to me in front of anyone he considers important, only some of the low lifes he hangs around with have ever seen him play with my mind while I was “freaking out” over his behavior toward me…and of course I appeared “crazy” for being so angry about “nothing”. Those guys would not be credible witnesses. My neighbors only hear him asking me to just talk to him and help him understand and “just open the door because we love each other” which are not exactly threats in their eyes, I would assume.
I believe I really loved him, but I won’t allow myself to think of it as ‘love’ any more though. Whatever I felt for him was because of some shortcomings or natural empathic tendencies within myself, as I have learned. He doesn’t deserve me if I think about how I used to be before I met him. He hooked me with a tilted smile and the words “You’re Cute AND You’re Nice”. Perfect Target for him in other words.
He truly did suck all the hope and pretty sparkles of life out of me. I am sitting here now, after work, afraid for him to show up. I have nowhere to go and hide and I don’t want to have to hide anyway. I won’t let him in if he does show up. My co-worker had a 15 yr marriage to a spath and has shared some of her stories with me and I her, and a friend of hers was splitting up with a spath a while back herself, when the guy convinced her to meet him in a hotel room to finally talk it all out and work it out with her because he loved her and was so sorry for ever messing up and ruining their relat, but when she got there he beat her until the cops showed up. I have the chance to not be like her, to not let him in, to not believe his lies, to not let him know that I feel sorry for him because he lost the real ME. Why does this all stink so bad?! What is it about them that makes them keep coming back when it’s obvious we know there is something definitely wrong with the way they are. They really cannot see themselves and their actions and how their actions affect someone else or do they truly enjoy torturing people for the fun of it because, like he says “people are stupid”. Oh, and did you know that if we just stop feeding starving people and sterilize them that the world would be a much better place? OMG. He didn’t like it when I disagreed with him, but this last one took the cake for his lack of humanity in my eyes and it became a topic that he knew he could not change my mind on, so we only discussed it once.
I’m rambling. There is too much negative reality that I could talk about regarding Edweird, and what I really wish I could do was cry one last time with all my might and get the poison out, but I just haven’t broken down yet since Saturday and am wondering when it’s gonna happen and am hoping it doesn’t happen while I am at work. Let it happen while I am sitting in the dark, alone at home.
and finally…..why do I still feel like I want him to want me? I don’t want to feel like this.
jenni marie and noway95,
You’re soooooooo right about these guys “turning the blame back on you”!! They are masters at it!
I had to put up with it every day while with my husband.On my weak days,I l just had to pretend to let it go over my head(but really,none of the pain could be deadened).Talking for hours is part of their “crazymaking” manipulation techniques–to wear you down.
Especially when they are testing your trustworthiness!They would be highly offended if you intimated such a thing about their trustworthiness,lol!
My husband used to ‘interrogate’ me while I was trying to sleep.I accused him of being like the Nazi guards!
Jennamarie, I would not be so worried about your actions. Through years of abuse they push us to do things we we would normally not do. Believe me I went through it for 20 plus years. The “crazy making” is so absurd that now you question yourself if you are guilty? This is what they want. Don’t give into it. It took me many months to realize what “gas lighting” is when he said things to me and later denied he even said it. I am going through this ugly divorce now and am not guilty of anything. But still he makes up lies about me, threatens and blackmails. All through his attorney. He probably never told her that he engaged in all these affairs, porn and sex addiction. But I am ready “bring it on”. My only advice for you us to break of all contact with him. And never look back at what he did and what you did. Live in the present. The past is gone and the future is unknown. Good luck.
Jenni Marie
My husband used to say the same things “everyone is an idiot but him”. “All people are stupid”. It could be friends, neighbors, co workers or bosses. Once I asked him if the cardiac surgeons he used to work with are stupid and dumb too? I mean they saved lives on a daily base. His answer was “0f course everyone is a dumb stupid idiot” Unbelievable the grandiosity they think they have. Please be very careful if he labels you “crazy”. My husband told me daily I was a crazy psycho bitch. He warned me that he will have me “baker acted”. And one day when I exposed his affair he went through with his threat. Called some of his deputies friends and tried to baker act me. Luckily the psychiatrist recognized his evil plan and released me right away. While I was gone my husband told my 18 year old son “your crazy mother will be gone for a long time “. My son knew it was a lie and lost all respect for his “father “. He wants nothing to do with him and cut of all contact. I was in shock to what extreme my husband would go to label me as the bad or crazy person. I have statements from medical doctors how I was set up by my deputy husband. Document everything. Because they will try to use anything to their advantage. I am becoming an expert in keeping all statements and documents. I still have the “fight of my life” ahead of me with this divorce. But like Quinn said ” after all is done you feel empowered ” This is exactly how I am starting to feel.
Jenni Marie,
It’s difficult to see his web of manipulation when you are caught in it. The only thing you can do is cut off contact completely – no phone calls, no emails, no facebook. After a while, you will be seeing things more clearly. As for still wanting him, this is natural. You are addicted to him. It takes time to break the addiction and grieve. And it hurts. ANY breakup is painful, but one with a sociopath is worse, because you are grieving for a relationship that was based on lies – his lies. It’s normal and natural to question yourself and think you are the crazy one. At this point, so many people stay in the relationship. It can seem easier and more ‘comfortable’ to pick the devil you know over the one you don’t know, which is the pain and anxiety of leaving. When you leave, in the beginning, the hurt feels endless. But ultimately, you will be much better off. You will come out of it much stronger.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my LF friends!
Star