This week I’ve been inspired by another motivational quote that I hadn’t seen for a while:
”What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
And it got me thinking. Looking back over my own experiences of abusive people, I realize that I believed words over actions. That because the things they were doing were so divorced from the story I was being told, I decided that I must have misunderstood. It must be me who is misinterpreting the situation. It must be because I’m giving out mixed messages. Heck, perhaps it’s just that I’m asking too much — perhaps I just need to be grateful for what I have and be more understanding of the other person’s point of view?
When I was wrapped-up and trapped in the warped relationship that I believed was real love, I hadn’t realized quite how much I was enabling the situation by my own excuses or blinkered outlook. I sometimes wonder how much earlier I might have broken free if I’d actually given myself more credit and prodded harder at the smiling façade that masked the bitter truth.
Who Am I To Judge…?
By the way, I’m not saying that I blame myself, nor am I saying that I think I was wrong. Far from it, in actual fact. As I said in a previous post, we can only judge situations and people by what we already know — we see things not as they are but as we are. That’s why, in my opinion, we excuse and brush aside negative behaviours and situations that from a realistic perspective are absolutely not ok.
For me, I know that I would regularly dismiss warning signs that something was wrong. “It’s alright” I‘d say to myself, ”s/he didn’t mean to upset me. S/he doesn’t know any better — and anyway, nobody’s perfect, right? Who am I to judge?” I’d then pour more love and compassion on the situation, and inadvertently play right in to the path of more damage.
Yes, like so many of us, I hold my hand up, because now I understand that I was a willing victim. I played my part to perfection “Bravo Mel, compelling performance, encore!” And I’d continue to perfect my role of blissfully happy and in-love, whilst at the same time unknowingly building my own façade and continuing to lose myself along the way.
In the early days after the truth came to light, I blamed myself for so many things — veering from broken-hearted disbelief “What happened? When did I lose him? How could I have shown more love?” to the coldly self-critical “Why couldn’t I see what was going on right under my nose? I must be stupid!”
It’s taken a long time, and a huge amount of determination to work through the questions and re-connect with myself. And it’s been worth it. Because now I understand what was happening. I understand that in healthy relationships, other people’s actions do indeed speak louder than words. I also understand that a sociopath on the other hand can use such a barrage of flowery and compelling arguments, that it becomes nigh on impossible to see the wood for the trees!
Listen And Feel
And at the same time, with the benefit of hindsight and distance, I now recognize that I had another action-related guidance system I could have consulted that would always have told me the truth of the situation. And that was the feelings that were within me. The shivers down my spine when I saw his flashes of anger. The twist in my stomach when plans suddenly changed at the last moment. The tiredness behind my eyes when once again I couldn’t make sense of a situation. Those clues, those ”˜actions’ were all there. But, instead of going within for answers, instead I’d check outside of myself to understand what was happening. Each time I’d voice my concerns, or ask questions — and each time the confident responses would flow out. Easily, effortlessly, and with what seemed like a perfectly logical situation. Each time those responses would be sealed with a Judas-kiss, or a squeeze on the shoulders, or those well-used words “Come on, you know I love you, it’s you and me against the world!” and the accompanying look of pity that made me feel I must be stupid.
I remember searching for physical signs that I was being told the truth — after all, I worked in the field of human behaviours, so accurately reading the non-verbal clues that show themselves in any communication was my profession, right? Hmmmm…. wrong. Because now, of course, I realise that the sociopath is a pathological liar. They can reason with any number of untruths — no matter how far fetched — and make the story so compelling that they are believed. And, because they demonstrate none of the usual non-verbal signs of a liar, there is no way of gauging the truth behind the words that are being spoken. So in the case of dealing with a sociopath, there will be no supporting ”˜actions’ to determine whether the story is a true fact or a deliberate web of lies. And that was where I allowed myself to be scuppered — time and time again. I was looking for the physical responses (nervousness, sweating, tiny changes of expression, eye movements — all the things I’d studied for years and knew so well) and when none were apparent, I concluded that I’d made a mistake. And so would start, once again, my internal criticism and determination to be more loving and less judgmental.
Let’s just get clear here. The truth was there all along. Because the actions I could have been taking notice of were my own internal responses. Those were the actions that spoke louder than words. Those were the signs I could have believed. But at the time I had no comprehension that anyone could possibly tell bare-faced lies without displaying some kind of unconscious signal associated with lying. Equally, of course, I had no comprehension of psychopaths.
I said that one of my automatic responses used to be “Who am I to judge?” Well, in actual fact, who am I NOT to judge? What gave me the right to put myself down, to banish my intuition, to shut up and put up when, as I now know, there were so many things I could have done when faced with an unhealthy situation! But at the time, well, I didn’t know what I didn’t know – so like all of us, I did the very best I could.
Yes, hindsight and distance has brought me a wisdom I didn’t possess when I most needed it. I guess my intention in this post is to pass on what I’ve learned — because had I known then what I know now, I’m convinced that I would have paid far more attention to the warning signals that showed themselves time and time again through my own senses. I would have known, beyond question, that what was happening was not ok. I would also have realised that I was dealing with something that was totally alien, and that I’d be wise to seek out and learn as much as I could from others who ‘knew’ before planning my next moves.
I now believe that it was my naivety that played a big part in keeping me trapped. Because these days, even the slightest flutter within alerts me to the fact that something is not right. These days I take action to support my internal guidance. These days I pay much more attention to the non-verbal messages that my body transmits any time I choose to tune in. These days I’ve learned that they are always right, even though they may seem at first to be misplaced. As a result I’m delighted to be surrounded by a set of healthier relationships than I’ve ever experienced before.
And the bottom line is that the buck stops here. With me. Because, if I don’t learn to listen to and look after myself, well nobody else is going to do it for me — because if I don’t practice self-compassion, I won’t even be able to notice it in others, let alone accept it!
It’s taken time, patience, and a whole heap of gently saying “ssshhh!” when words have threatened to create too much distraction – my own or those of other people. As a result I’m now convinced more than ever that actions really do speak louder than words. I’d believed it to be true for many years – but now, though, there’s a small but critical difference in my understanding. That difference is my focus on which actions to believe; only those of others, or also those of myself? Those tiny internal responses that always speak the truth above anything else…
And you know what? The warm happy feeling that’s rising inside me right now as I finish this post, tells me that I’m indeed on the right track 🙂
Hi Everyone: Well, as most of you know, I entered into a ‘speaking only by text messaging’ to “IT” for exactly two weeks today.
Since I broke NC for all of what I THOUGHT were good reasons, the only reasons that really mattered were the ones “I” needed to see and hear for myself.
I am here to report what I have concluded and to share it with all of you. I think it’s important.
For two weeks I have heard NOTHING but ranting about things happening to his life that HE made happen. The entire two weeks, he was blame shifting and trying to funnel all of the ‘guilt’ and ‘responsibility’ for his putrid life, right on me and it’s not working anymore. ::REPLAY OF RED FLAG:::
Everything that all of you have shared with me and educated me on, I was purposely watching for the entire past two weeks and not only THAT, I could see the ‘mind conditioning’ after having been away from it for almost 9 months of NC by myself with it all, although, “IT” continued to stalk me and have ‘minions’ harassing me. Whether it was voluntarily or inspired by him.
I was stronger than the ‘mind control’ this time. I could see it. I am stealthed. Thank you so much for the lesson. You are great ‘teachers’ but I am an even better ‘student’. 🙂
Not one time in two weeks has there been any discussion of ‘how I have been doing’…hmm…::REPLAY OF RED FLAG:: Not one time in the past two weeks have “I” been any focus of discussion, whatsoever. I have been completely excluded from the relationship. It’s all about him, all the time. There is no room for me at all, not in conversation or any other way. I found myself being smothered and stifled all over again. And, I am not going back to that anymore. It’s over. I think I have made myself very clear this time. If only to myself. I needed to see it just one more time FOR MYSELF and I believe it now.
After 13 days of his disgusting love bombing and trying to be so cute…gas lighting:::RED FLAG::: = And 13 days of my stopping him in his tracks when there was an ‘inconsistency’ in his story telling…
There was one sentence he texted me, though, that I thought was very telling and I wanted to share it all with you and you can make from it whatever you will….”No one likes to admit they are a criminal, and go to jail- you always have to force them.” it was said with the intention toward another person but I do think directed at me as a ‘poke’ and to tell you all the truth, I don’t have – I just don’t have time in my life for any more of this garbage. I just really don’t. There are no more tears…there are no more highs and lows; no more sobbing; no more hating; no more anything. Just complacency now.
The nightmare I have been living has turned into complacency. I told him earlier today that I doubt I would ever trust another person as long as I live and that yes, it included him. THAT is what he has left me with. I also told him that I have learned to value myself. I am sure that went right over his head.
I told him in one of our conversations, that I have managed to put him and the whole experience of ‘us’, in one of my PTSD FILES somewhere and it’s irretrievable now. I asked if he understood that and he didn’t. (Why am I not surprised). He has been very kind and very amicable but not very appreciative and still very dark and creepy…in strange ways…he speaks half sentences, most times…gets very “RAGEFUL”…at the drop of a pin….
I am not afraid of him but I sure wish he would ‘get it together’ and it’s not likely that is going to happen anytime soon. I am living day to day now with my heart condition and I refuse to allow all of this to upset me any further. THE SHOW IS NOT TAKING MY LIFE. It’s just not. If I have to slam that door shut again, that is what I will do. But “IT” is making it easy for me now…because “IT” has been very busy lately…
(need I say more?) EMPHASIS ON MORE.
I am surprised the conversation has lasted this long, honestly.
I am not one for trivial drivel and lies, from selfish, narcissistic people and that is pretty much all I have heard the past two weeks. Two weeks was long enough.
I have heard ugliness, not directed at me, specifically, because he was trying to glean information, etc., manipulating me however he could to get whatever he could…he is in a ‘serious victim lull’ at the moment.
I told him to stop playing me…that it is disrespectful and uncalled for. Of course, I never get a response when I speak to him that way. Nobody likes to be yelled at all the time and I guess that is pretty much all I have done to him the past couple of years. How dare me! A woman speaking to him that way!!!! He would just as soon beat that mouth shut. That is how he is with his women. I know him. I haven’t been on that physical abuse side with him, but I know about it and he is a beater. That is why I have always kept him far away from me.
MY LIFE WAS BUILT LONG BEFORE HE CAME ALONG.
HE WALKED INTO MY REALM, not the other way around; imagine that….and I don’t budge too well.
I just want it away from me and I don’t feel bad about wanting it away from me anymore. I am making the right decision walking away. Absolutely. Without question. I think that is the thing I want to share with all of you who are just starting your journey:
At first, NC feels like it is going to devour your heart.
You have to ride past the sorrow and the sadness.
Focus on yourself and what you deserve and your worth and your value as the person YOU ARE and don’t look back. Don’t let your kindness and conscious give them the chance to devour you anymore. They never really change. I see that now. They only become what they think you want them to be. That is unacceptable.
If there is pain (physical or emotional) in your relationship,
don’t settle. Life is too short to settle.
Seek counsel; get advice; get out. Escape.
Like I have been trying to do for a very long time. Longer than I can even remember anymore. But I am out. I am so out.
And, I am never going back to that madness. It’s hard to get past the ‘hurt stage’ but there IS HUGE amounts; MASSIVE AMOUNTS of peace waiting on the other side…
:::SECOND SIGHT:::
IDENTICAL TO FIRST SIGHT
All the ::red flags:: you all have taught me, here?? —
Well, they weren’t just ::red flags:: anymore – they became nuclear bombs when I went back and seen them, the second time around; I am glad it was all long distance by text. And I hate it so much that “THAT” used to be MY BEST FRIEND. There is nothing more I can do. NOW it’s really time to ‘let go’.
Request to abandon post, Sir…
Permission granted.
Dupey
Duped, I am honored to witness your healing.
Hugs,
Star
Star: Been a long, winding, twisty, turny, kind of road…
Never thought I would end up where I am at right this moment. There were moments I didn’t think I would make it. Seriously. There are still moments when I question my own self but there are less and less moments that I question my decision and choices.
We are all entitled to judge for ourselves what we find acceptable and not acceptable. I am a very open minded person with HUGE capacities for forgiving and understanding. But I too have limits. This ‘person’ (if that is what you could call it) has excelled ALL WORLDLY limits. Not just mine but others’ as well.
It has been too long a journey for me.
There have been unspeakable horrors and shocks along the way. Some I wonder if I will ever recover from. I am just grateful I am alive. STILL!
Healing…you know you are healed when it doesn’t matter anymore inside your heart. Thanks Star. xxoo
Thanks for the comments. I have already changed my mobile phone to The Lying *** but I like the sociopath one. Last night he left a message on my message bank saying “Oh come on Tray I have been a good boy for a week now”. Well if that is not an admission of guilt I don’t know what is! I have noticed on some of the comments here that many people try and talk to their paths about their own feelings. I can tell you now paths couldn’t care less about your feelings and only use this information for their own purposes. I gave up talking about MY feelings a while back. I had to do a first aid course and by the end of it was almost comotose. I haven’t slept properly for a week. I am missing him but I do not know why. I think it is the sex and physical affection. I am about to write a list of all the things he did to me so I can keep reminding myself why I cant weaken. I have asked God for nothing except to take my anger and distress away. I do not want him back I just want the pain to go away.
Hello Tray,
Missing them when they’ve been so VILE is one of the hardest things to get your head around. I missed/ miss the physical side but it’s a very big price to pay. Keep reading. There are hundreds of articles here that will help you through the different stages of grief and separation And some wonderful people here that will share their experiences and hold your hand on the path to healing.
My initial advice would be to change your number. Limit the amount of “access” he has to you and your fragile emotions. I also kept a journal and found it very therapeutic when my resolve weakened.
Keep posting as well. Whenever you feel knocked off balance come here.
Read, post, heal.
Feel for you friend. All the best to you. 🙂
Morning Dupey, there you are!!
Was thinking over the weekend, where is the Dupers? Lol. But you’re here. Safe and sound I’m glad to see. Like the Phoenix from the ashes yes?
Am so glad you’re ok and the experience has only STRENGTHENED your stance. Good for you friend!!
Lots of love to you. Have a good day from fareezing Yorkshire …..brrrrr!!
strongawoman: good day to you and beautiful, fareezing, Yorkshire. It was 75f here yesterday – and I do not feel bad about being a warmth hog! Hope it warms for you soon, Lovey….
Safe and sound, yes mam’!
Thanks for likening me to the Phoenix, strongawoman…(such an inspirational suggestion!)
oh yes, rising from the ashes…how appropriate. Thanks for the encouragement and support. I am slowly working my way back towards NC, permanently, now, and “IT” is making it so easy to do. “IT” suggested I call and speak but I haven’t and I am not going to…..why? So I can be ranted at, threatened some more, told how everything that happens to “IT” is all MY FAULT? How everything in his disgusting life is everyone elses fault but his own? No…this emotional LEECH isn’t sucking anymore from me than what “IT” has already gotten from me.
I was right for walking away and I am going to do it again too. With NO GOOD BYES this time. There will be NO PAIN this time. There is just nothing but acceptance now. I will be fine. I am getting stronger all the time.
TRAY: YOU HAVE TO STARE DOWN THE PAIN AND ACCEPT THE TRUTHS. ONCE YOU DO THAT YOU MAKE IT INTO A NEW THRESHOLD AND YOU WILL FIND THAT ACCEPTANCE.
It isn’t easy but it’s one you have to decide what is your value and worth…? Then act accordingly and let nothing blow you off course. I have been going through this for 10 years, all total now. And I am on my FINAL ‘walking away’.
They never change. They only get uglier. While most of us ‘grow’ and gain knowledge in life, they digress and hate knowledge. ::red flag:: THEY know everything and if you ever doubt that, just ask them, they will be more than happy to tell you! My ppath is neutralized. By my knowledge. Amazing. Just amazing how ‘knowledge’ opens the door…
Good advice strongawoman…xxoo
Happy Day to everyone.
Dupey
Bless you Dupey.
Bless you too MiLo…..
Tray,
I agree with you that we should never tell the spath how much they’ve hurt us. Or ask them to stop. Or discuss our emotions at all. They love to hear that stuff. It’s what feeds them. They don’t respond with guilt or surprise, they just lick their lips and salivate.
My spath tried to get me into that conversation when we first broke up. “Skylar, what did I do to hurt you?”
“Nothing, spath. You didn’t do anything to me, compared to what you’ve done to yourself. Look at what you’ve done to yourself.” With those words, he knew I could see the putrid pile of fermenting decay that he had become by his own freewill. His source of shame was revealed.
He kept trying to bring the subject back to me, and I kept referring back to how he had destroyed himself. And how pathetic it was.