In the wake of Weinergate, CNN posted an article entitled, Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim. Abedin, of course, is Anthony Weiner’s wife, who I’m sure was, at the very least, embarrassed by the scandal, and perhaps angry enough to consider divorce.
The article quotes a couple of authors telling women to choose not to be victims. Instead, women should choose to define their own happiness. Oh, there are a couple of caveats—the advice doesn’t apply to women who fear for their safety or are facing financial ruin. But there is no discussion of what to do when your relationship is so emotinally abusive that you are psychologically traumatized.
In short, this story offers advice for women coping with infidelity whose partners are not sociopaths. Which is fine—these women need advice as much as anyone. But the article also reinforces society’s “just get over it” attitude, which makes life difficult for women dealing with true exploitation.
Read Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim on CNN.com.
I think this article contains some POWERFUL ideas that I, and possibly others, should add to our own “play book.”
The following is one of those:
Give up on the dream. Many people create a storyline or myth for their lives that says they will be powerful when they are pretty or handsome, skinny, married, a parent, or have the “right” job or salary.”
“If you’re only powerful when it goes a certain way, then what happens when you lose your job?” asks Munson. Do you not matter anymore? Figure out the myths you tell yourself about your definition of success before you can move on.”
I think WE are so much more powerful than we comprehend—but I know that I predicated my “happiness” to much on my late husband, my job, where I lived, my kids….where did my happiness go when I no longer had my husband (he died) where did my happiness go when I had to leave my home because it wasn’t safe for me to stay here? Where did my happiness go when I realized without a doubt that my son Patrick was a psychopath without any chance of remorse for the murder he committed, and that my other son C didn’t have the moral compass I wanted my son to have?
If your “happiness” depends on ANYTHING outside of yourself I think you are building your house on “the sand”—-as the parable of Jesus notes, and if a “flood” comes along, it will fold in on itself and wash away.
The solid “rock” of our TRUE HAPPINESS must be build on the BED ROCK of ourselves. Sure we can ENJOY a new house, but if losing that house would send us into a tail spin, and our HAPPINESS depends on having That house, we can’t be secure in our happiness at all.
No matter how much we love others, ultimately we go through life alone and those that share part of our journey with us may bring us JOY or SADNESS, but our HAPPINESS, what WE are, I think is what we create from within ourselves.
I think this article presents in some very thought provoking ways, some basic, solid truths that each of us should think about and examine in our quest to heal and make our lives meaningful for us. Our HAPPINESS I think depends on OURSELVES, and how we respond to life, not how others behave or what we have.
Thanks Donna, great article.
THanks Donna, it’s a good read. It’s definitely NOT good advice for somebody being affected by a sociopath, however.
I dunno, everything I read about Weiner indicates he IS a socoipath – I am not a doctor – but maybe the writer of the article should consider BOTH possibilities….that he IS, and that he ISNT.
Great read. Thanks.
SK,
Even if he IS a Sociopath, or is not, it doesn’t really matter, his wife must base her own “happiness” and “success” in life on herself, not on HIM.
I’m with you, I think the guy is probably VERY high in P traits and is definitely a narcissist….I think he can’t be trusted….but if her whole happiness in life depends on HIM, then what happens if he leaves her, or if he dies? Does she just fold up and blow away and be “un happy” for the rest of her life?
Sure, the betrayal of a psychopath or a non psychopath HURTS, and they have taken advantage of our love for them, lied to us, hurt us, but our happiness must depend on US—not “I will be happy if my husband loves me and is true to me” or “I will be happy if this or that happens”
We have to be secure in our own selves NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON OUTSIDE OUR SELF. We have to depend on our own inner strengths, our own self worth.
I refuse to ONLY be “happy” if ______ loves me” (fill in the blank with anyone or any thing)
I hate the whole “Choose not to be a victim” schpeal because nobody chooses to be a victim. The very nature of the word victim implies that there was a perpetrator. You are victimized, and the logical inference to be taken from that is that you didn’t choose to be a “victim” ( you didn’t choose to be victimized ) and thus you are a victim only because of the perpetrator’s actions. There is no shame in the word victim, apart from that which society imposes. I think telling a true victim to “stop being a victim” is demeaning and based on faulty premises.
People who have been truly victimized need to be validated, heard, but most of all they need to acknowledge that what happened was not their fault. Telling someone who has just endured hell on earth to “stop being a victim” is just ignorant.
Personally, I thought that was an excellent article. There was some excellent advice there.
I agree with the choosing not to be a victim. Who wants to be a victim? That’s not something we choose like what to have for dinner. Now, that being said, I also feel like once we KNOW we are being duped, THEN we do have a choice to stay or get out.
Yes, there is good advice in this article. I like the advice on making yourself happy and all that, but this would only work if you are innately selfish. yes, I said selfish.
I wish I was more selfish, but it’s difficult when you’ve been programmed to love making the people you love, happy and it’s truly the best thing in your life. I’m not saying that this programming isn’t a personality disorder, I think that it really is a PD, but it’s still programming, just like morality, empathy and ethics are programmed into us. It’s hard to not really like making the people you love, happy. So this advice isn’t so easy for some of us.
On the other hand, this writer reminded me of some of my spaths friends, who said, “well it takes two to tango” and “you enjoyed the excitement that spath created in your life, so you can’t complain…blah, blah, blah” What this article makes me want to do, is to send my evil spath into her life and see how good she is at “making her own happiness”. I’ll bet she fails miserably in the company of my spath.
I can relate to the “VICTIM” label being applied.
Common comments are:
“So? Build a bridge and get over it!”
“You chose them”.
No Sociopath goes around with a big sign on their forehead saying :
Iwant to ruin your life.
Let me beat you.
Let me empty your bank account, run up your credit debt etc.
Let me rape your children.
Let me lie about you and ruin your reputation.
Let me take sadistic pleasure in causing you emotional/physical pain.
Let me socially isolate you from everyone who cares about you.
People who have never had to deal/live with a Sociopath seem to think the person who has been wounded by one, is to blame for their own injury.
That kind of comment really hurts, but there is no way you can make the person understand what you have gone through.
They would probably have to experience it for themselves, or observe it in action, to ever truly understand how a Sociopath manipulates and controls another person.
It is best to dust yourself off, and get back up on your feet and walk away with your head held high.
Trying to justify yourself, and explain what has happened to you, tends to be a waste of time.
zoey:
Yep, a total waste of time. Oh, dear…have I ever found that out!
Zoey,
Does your head feel like the spin cycle of a washing machine? MINE does!
If you were deceived, would you know it?