In the wake of Weinergate, CNN posted an article entitled, Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim. Abedin, of course, is Anthony Weiner’s wife, who I’m sure was, at the very least, embarrassed by the scandal, and perhaps angry enough to consider divorce.
The article quotes a couple of authors telling women to choose not to be victims. Instead, women should choose to define their own happiness. Oh, there are a couple of caveats—the advice doesn’t apply to women who fear for their safety or are facing financial ruin. But there is no discussion of what to do when your relationship is so emotinally abusive that you are psychologically traumatized.
In short, this story offers advice for women coping with infidelity whose partners are not sociopaths. Which is fine—these women need advice as much as anyone. But the article also reinforces society’s “just get over it” attitude, which makes life difficult for women dealing with true exploitation.
Read Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim on CNN.com.
Star-Liz isn’t my real name. ElizabethBennett is the main character in Pride and Prejudice-I love the character. Thanks so much for what you said. I think you’re the only one who wants to hear about what happens with her. I am just frustrated this morning and I am going to bash softballs. I am trying to decide if this is just too much. I just don’t know if I can let myself fall for someone who is so damn complicated and I wish I could just make up my mind for sure. I just need the space to be able to make it up by myself.
Star-the batting cages did not help. I could only hit for a half hour because of the intense heat, plus I sucked. I went without batting gloves and I think I need to get my eyes checked. I couldn’t hit right. The only plus was that I DID learn to hit left handed for the first time, AND I hit better from that side so now I am confused.
I don’t know what to think about her and I don’t know if I feel like fooling with it anymore. My feelings are so strong but at the same time, I’m annoyed with it. If I don’t get to talk about it with her by next weekend, then I am going to start emailing some women. I may even email them before that. I went to another neighbors house for drink and met some nice people last night. I just need to be able to meet nice people. All of us women were also transplants here and grew up somewhere else, so it was different and I liked it. And it was nice to not think of this crap for a couple of hours too.
I really wish that I could meet a girl who would want to take some of those latin dance lessons that you’re going to. That would be awesome. I also think you’re right about the sites too. I didn’t believe that before. I think that it is ok for me if they live in my area. I am not capable of going outside my state, cuz it’s too much of not seeing them in their natural habitats and all. Did you hear from Hens yet?
Liz, P.S. though I’m left-handed, I do many things better with my right hand, too. Not sure about batting, though, cause my relationship with sports is not a good one.
Here’s a funny story about that. When I was young I hated all sports and was always chose last on every team. I especially hated softball cause I always struck out. Well, one day I got up to bat and instead of striking out, I actually hit the ball. Never mind that it was a foul ball. I was so elated, I threw the bat up in the air, and it came down over the catcher’s eye. She had to have 8 stitches over her right eye. I will never forget the sight of her at my 10th birthday party with a giant bandage over her eye. I try to stay away from things like baseballs and bats. It’s just not safe for anyone in the vicinity. 🙂
Star:
Yay! I am glad to hear you are dating and putting yourself out there. I am confident all will work out for you!!
You said you had some advice on how to deal with my anger. Can you tell me tonight what those are? Thanks!
I feel better after watching the Jaycee Dugard interview. She is a true inspiration!
Thank you, Louise. The best way I know how to work with anger is to first locate it in your body and really get up close and personal with it. In order to do this, you have to go inside and become very quiet. Do not let yourself get lost in the story or any other thoughts. Your job is to turn your awareness inside your body as if you were shining a flashlight. You are trying to directly experience the physical sensations that go with the tension in your body. You are touching it directly with the light of your awareness. (I’m teaching you a Buddhist meditation technique, by the way.) You will notice as you attempt to do this that thoughts will come up. The thoughts will have all kinds of stories about what you are experiencing. Just let them go and go back to your direct experience of physical sensations. This will take some practice, so you may be sitting for a half hour or longer.
At a certain point, your mind will quiet down and you will get a “felt sense” of something going on. You might feel a sensation in your heart or in the pit of your belly and you may feel some anger with it. Look at it really closely with the flashlight of your awareness. What does it feel like? What does it want? What is it trying to say? If you don’t know, just continue to observe it. As you observe it, you may notice that it changes. It may move around or soften around the edges. Just keep paying attention. There is something that needs to come out, to be expressed. This is the deeper layer of feeling I’m always talking about. Make sure you continue breathing and letting yourself relax and sink into whatever you are sitting or lying on. This is the meditation process, and it can be VERY helpful for dealing with difficult emotions. They are there for a reason. They are serving a purpose, trying to tell you something. Your job is to find out what that something is. If you observe it long enough, you may find out what is causing you to hold onto it. This process can be VERY revealing.
In the next post, I’ll talk about another technique I learned last year.
Here is another technique. It also involves some self-awareness. If you are having trouble even feeling anger, like I do, go to the places you hold tension. For me it is my jaw. Do the same process as above. Exaggerate the tension. If you feel like your foot wants to tap or move, exaggerate that movement. With a tight jaw, you can try screaming into a pillow. With a tight shoulder, you can try hitting a illow. (poor pillow – lol).
If you are already in touch with the anger, and all the physical release stuff is not helping, you might find that you just react with anger to things that happen in your life. Here is a great technique for that: Take a deep breath in through your nose, counting to five. As you do it, breathe in gratitude for anything you can find to be grateful for. If you are angry all the time, it’s very hard to do, but it will be all the more helpful to do it. When you exhale (counting to 5), breathe out all the anger. You can literally fill yourself up with gratitude. There won’t be room for the anger.
What I have found is that there is often fear that keeps anger held in. We are afraid to express it or afraid to let it go, for one reason or another. Human beings can either be motivated by fear or love. Love is expansive. Fear is contractive and keeps you stuck. If you can feel the fear and breathe love and gratitude into it, you will effectively raise your level of self-love and acceptance, which will raise your self-esteem.
I am open to hearing more techniques. These are the ones I have. Let me know if any of them work for you. As someone who has sat in meditation (what I showed you in the previous post) for days, weeks, and MONTHS at a time, I can tell you it works, and it is amazing.
XOXO
Star
Star:
Thank you so much. I have already copied both of these and sent them to my email and have printed them off. I can’t wait to start using them!
I have no trouble at all feeling the anger. Sometimes it is scary because sometimes I get so mad I wonder what I am going to do with it. I can see how people would be fearful of that. And it’s so against my character because I am normally a patient, easy going, compassionate person.
I love how you gave me ways to deal with anger in many ways…one way if I am in touch with the anger and other ways if I am not. Thank you…you are the BEST! x
Louise, Oops, I misread your post. So now I’m editing this one.
So reading your last post correctly, you have no trouble getting in touch with your anger. It is all over the place. Good! You are one step ahead of me. Try the meditation, and just feel the anger without trying to do anything to it. Just feel it directly. Let it fill up your body. Is it making your jaw shake or is it a hot feeling in your gut? Just feel it. It’s a very cool trick. For every moment you can directly observe your anger with no agenda to change it, it will change on its own. You may find that it is trying to go somewhere but you’re stopping it. Just let it go where it needs to go. You may need to loosen your upper jaw to let it move up. Try it. It actually takes physical effort to hold a painful emotion like this in your body.
Star:
Correct, I have no trouble feeling it and it coming out in bad ways like me driving way too fast and aggresively. I can’t wait to start using these techniques. I will let you know how I feel once I am able to put it into practice. Thanks, again!