In the wake of Weinergate, CNN posted an article entitled, Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim. Abedin, of course, is Anthony Weiner’s wife, who I’m sure was, at the very least, embarrassed by the scandal, and perhaps angry enough to consider divorce.
The article quotes a couple of authors telling women to choose not to be victims. Instead, women should choose to define their own happiness. Oh, there are a couple of caveats—the advice doesn’t apply to women who fear for their safety or are facing financial ruin. But there is no discussion of what to do when your relationship is so emotinally abusive that you are psychologically traumatized.
In short, this story offers advice for women coping with infidelity whose partners are not sociopaths. Which is fine—these women need advice as much as anyone. But the article also reinforces society’s “just get over it” attitude, which makes life difficult for women dealing with true exploitation.
Read Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim on CNN.com.
superkid10
zoey
VERY WELL SAID!
Superkid
Ox Drover
Hey, Fleeced Ewe, good to see you back….I think if you are “deceived” eventually you catch on, but maybe sometimes people never do. That’s kind oflike “how high is up?” LOL
Stargazer
For me, dealing with my own victim mentality has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done because I HAVE been through more than any 10 people I know and had the cards stacked against me from day one. And I’ve been there long before the sociopath ever came into the picture. I have found at the bottom of it (for me) is the need to be validated for what I have gone through. When my mother kind of sort of apologized to me for all the abuse she put me through at the hands of my stepfather, I wanted her to really know how much it had hurt me and affected my entire life. When she couldn’t get it, I stewed in anger and resentment, punishing her with my absence for many years. It was as if I couldn’t move on until she could feel my pain. I don’t know when it happened for me when I realized that she never will feel my pain and neither will most of the world, and learned to start validating myself. Looking for external validation has kept me in the victim role for many many years. Unfortunately, this has kept me stuck in depression and helplessness. I have had a lot of bad things happen to me, but I am no longer a victim of circumstances. I can change how I think about things, and even how I feel to some extent. I can change how I interpret events and the meaning I assign to them. I can be happy in spite of all the things that happened. Every so often, I find myself falling into that victim mentality when talking to someone who has not had the hardships I’ve had. It’s something I’m really trying hard to change. I’d rather have love in my life than be righteous at this point. I am seeing that waiting for others to understand, to take responsibility, or to validate me puts my power in their hands.
Ox Drover
STARGAZER!!!!
TOWANDA!!!! Your post above is absolutely RIGHT ON!!! We have to validate ourselves! Good for you GF!!!!! TOWANDA AGAIN!!!!
ElizabethBennett
Maybe I won’t feel the victim mentality so much when I am finally able to divorce my family for good!
Stargazer
Liz, it took me so many years to finally divorce my family for good. And I went through hell over it. It’s SO much better this way.
Thanks, Oxy. ((((hugs))))
ElizabethBennett
Star-I have been so depressed over the way my dad has been treating me. I told my girl last night about his last email listing all my disappointments and she said maybe it’s time to write him a list of all the ways he disappoints me. She finally said it last night-DIVORCE HIM like you did your mom.
She ended up leaving town before I was able to come out to her. I really hope I get to do it soon. I need to get it over with.
Louise
Star:
I want to hug you. I have been feeling exactly like you. Wanting everyone, especially the X spath, to feel my pain and understand my feelings and it’s never going to happen. Until I make my own self happy and stop worrying about how they feel, I will never heal. I am getting there, but it is very slow. I had also gone through a lot of things before the spath came along and I thought I was just finally healing and boom he came along.
I know it’s going to be a long process for me and I am so glad to hear that YOU are there; you are working on it. I am proud of you!
Stargazer
Louise, you will get there. If you just have the intention to have peace in your life, the drama and old patterns will start to dissipate, and your emotions will come up for examination and release, with you at the helm, the person in control – not the people who hurt you. It’s a process.
ElizabethBennett
Star-that’s awesome. Good for you. What you wrote about your mother reminded me such much about what is going on with her and my dad. Everytime I reach out to them I get triggered and re-traumatized. I tried it with her on Mother’s Day last month and got total PTSD from it and had to cut her off again. My issue with dad has turned out the same way.
They refuse to accept my gayness, so I refuse to accept them. I can’t change that about myself and I won’t ever try. That’s why the whole thing that happened with my exspath still kinda freaks me out. I let him take me out from where I was comfortable-loving women, and I now don’t understand why that occurred. I think it was low self esteem.