In the wake of Weinergate, CNN posted an article entitled, Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim. Abedin, of course, is Anthony Weiner’s wife, who I’m sure was, at the very least, embarrassed by the scandal, and perhaps angry enough to consider divorce.
The article quotes a couple of authors telling women to choose not to be victims. Instead, women should choose to define their own happiness. Oh, there are a couple of caveats—the advice doesn’t apply to women who fear for their safety or are facing financial ruin. But there is no discussion of what to do when your relationship is so emotinally abusive that you are psychologically traumatized.
In short, this story offers advice for women coping with infidelity whose partners are not sociopaths. Which is fine—these women need advice as much as anyone. But the article also reinforces society’s “just get over it” attitude, which makes life difficult for women dealing with true exploitation.
Read Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim on CNN.com.
yeah, right. I’m jealous. It’s been cold and rainy here all day.
57 degrees last I checked. 🙁
Star,
it isn’t men, it’s people.
Tonight I was talking about personality disorders and narcissism with my BF. I said, “a PD is when you try to control other people because you can’t control yourself”
He liked it.
Please understand that I’m not criticizing you. We all have our PD’s. What I’m saying is that you want this man to give you closure because YOU WANT IT. Whether it’s right or wrong not to give you closure, is not where your perspective is from. You are just seeing what YOU want from him.
The most healthy thing to do is give yourself closure and not try to control other people. All people will never be what you want/need. Be your own resource. You are doing that pretty well right now, keep it up.
Unfortunately, if he is a spath, when you show that you aren’t looking or needing closure, he will come around again. It is US, THE NORMAL PEOPLE WITH SELF-ESTEEM, that attracts spaths and spath-types. They see us as something they need to attain.
Remember, Star, everything is BACKWARDS for the PD’s. When you don’t need them they will come around, and if you need them, they will starve you. It’s the 180 degree rule. It always works. Whether they know what they are doing or not, is irrelevant. Instinct? maybe. Who cares. You will know them by their actions and by how they make you feel. It’s alway intentional.
something happens here on LF, i have been on both sides of it – giving and receiving the advice that is ‘ill timed’. star, you tend to give one more chance/ need one more step than the advice that comes your way. i know it is frustrating. i know i have been part of that frustration at times.
i guess my reason for doing it is that *I* (giggle) see this pattern, and think that you could tweak it and you would have more freedom. although it seems to be useless advice, it is my natural response, and I will try to stop doing it. down with lf cloning! 🙂
I just can’t seem to ‘get into’ the ‘dating’ and another relationship mode. I am in the “ME MODE”. If I live the rest of my life alone, without romance, that is just fine. Just let me FIND MYSELF amidst all this rubble!!!!!!!!
Any relationship I would attempt to be in, at this point, would go awry, anyways, because I am not ‘right’ with myself. How can I ever ‘be right’ with anyone else at this point?
Have to defeat those demons first. I have to become that which I would want and expect for myself and then I will find what I am looking for. It’s hard to have someone hold you and care for you when your heart is stuck someplace else.
I choose to keep things in order; to be honest and fair with not only myself but with any others that may come along. Once I heal my ‘illness’, then we can move onto other things.
Becoming ‘involved’ right now, in another relationship, would be only DOOMING it to failure because I know ‘who’ I am right now and that sure wouldn’t ‘fly’…
I prefer to stay focused on ME instead of looking to fill that ‘lonely’ spot.
***HUGS TO YOU STAR***
Dupedster
Star there seems to be some CONTRADICTIONS in your post, that puzzle me.
QUOTE#1: I hardly know this person.
QUOTE #2: …there was a strong connection.
Which is it? ! or 2?
No one is accusing you of being personality disordered, I think you missed Sky’s point, Star….the point I think she was making, and that I know I am making is….HE IS SHOWING YOU THAT HE DOES NOT VALUE YOU WHEN HE DOES NOT CALL.
SHOWING YOU—-SHOWING.
So with a person who shows he is rude,, does not value you,, etc. WHY are you concerned with “closure” ISN’T HIM NOT CALLING YOU “CLOSURE” IN AND OF ITSELF?
If not, WHY not?
If you call him and he doesn’t answer the phone, or if he doesn’t return your calls, (he has already NOT called)—how many times does he have to NOT call for you to realize he is a jerk and/or that he is not interested in you? Isn’t that closure?
Just because he “rejects” you by not calling (which is how most guys that I know “reject” someone they dated once or twice and are not interested in. Also, if the ONLY thing he wanted was sex (which is what a lot of guys on dating sites are there for) and he didn’t get it in the first date or two, he may just decide “Well, I’ll find someone who WILL put out quicker” and mark you off the “list.” LOL
In any case, though, the “usual” way that guys put “done” to a relationship that has been very “casual” or just beginning is to NOT call. Sure it is acting like a “high school” kid, and saying “I’ll call you” when they have NO intention of calling you….it is a “social lie” they think and is easier for them to do than to say directly to your face, “Star, What I reallly wanted was a quick fark and a steady fark, but no relationship and so I’ve decided I will find someone else, but it was nice meeting you, have a nice life.”
Instead, they say “I’ll call you” when they are not going to…and they figure you “get it” when they do NOT call.
You feeling a NEED to call him for “closure” (see the contradictions in 1 and 2) seems to me to be somehow the way that most of us here would handle it….I mean you are an adult and you can do what you please, but since you brought the subject up I am commenting on it. If you don’t think my observations are helpful…they were FREE so take what you want and discard the rest, but I would not call him, but would figure that if he didn’t call me it was because he had no further interest in dating me.
ps Star, not everyone who is a jerk, or even a criminal is a psychopath…my son C is a jerk but not a psychopath… I am essentially NC with him because he is a JERK and a liar but he has a conscience, and he has empathy.
We fling the P/S word around freely here and “label” people Ps who are really JUST TOXIC, but like Donna said in yesterday’s article, call it “heart problems” or “myocardial infarction”—the “lay” vs the “professional” words….it really doesn’t matter if the person is NOT someone you are going to have a relationship with. TOXIC is enough of a “definition” for some things, for others “psychopath” is the appropriate one. Or simply “I don’t like the way he acts” or “rude” is enough.
Well, Star, your boundaries are different than mine, and I only “bother” to confront rudeness when it is in someone I have more of a relationship with than a date or two or knowing them for a week or two.
Your track record of relationships forming rather rapidly and then being severely hurt by rejection (the neighbor boy, the guy in PR etc) seems to me to be a problem with YOUR reaction to these things rather than what the other person is doing (rude behavior or whatever) you seem to become WAY attached VERY quickly and when that person does not live up to the fantasy of what YOU thought the relationship was/is then YOU are the one hurt and looking for “closure” by repeat contact with them.
I observe that YOU are setting yourself up to BE HURT repeatedly by doing the same thing and thinking the same things and not seeing where the hurt is coming from. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” (can’t remember who said that) I have done the “insane” thing myself and NOT SEEN what I was doing, or the pattern I was repeating and others outside of me SAW that. So what i am saying is that maybe because YOU are “too close to the trees to see the forest” it might actually be easier for me to see the patterns because I am NOT emotionally involved in that pattern.
But, again, take what you want or can use and toss the rest of my post. ((hugs)))
I hate this…I am missing everyone’s updates. I am at my mom’s and don’t have access so I am at Dunkin Donuts right now with free wifi. I drove all day yesterday to get here so was out of commission.
Today is three years since my dad died so that is why I am here. I don’t like that I don’t have time to catch up with everyone from yesterday, last night and today 🙁
I will read as much as I can. I miss you all!
Star, (we posted over each other) but I was NOT assuming he was an S-path, only that he didn’t want to date you again, so that was why he didn’t call….my concern is your feelings, NOT HIS. I could give a rat’s behind about his feelings.
I think you are “putting words into my mouth” and “thoughts” into my post that aren’t there.
What I would like to see FOR YOU is that you could have a date or two or three with some guy that you liked….but then when he failed to do what he said…whether it was call when he said he would or whatever it was….and then you would say, “Gosh, Joe didn’t call me when he said he would, he is a JERK, and he did NOT keep his word, so….oh, well….glad I found out before I married him. LOL” and that you would in NO way feel even curious, because you would KNOW that “Joe doesn’t keep his word” and that is enough of a DEAL BREAKER for you to cut him off without even a backward glance. That your feelings would not be so “available” for someone to wound, if that makes any sense.
Not everyone is going to like me (or you) and they are not all going to be polite and nice to me (or you) and when people behave rudely unless it is a very important relationship, I just BRUSH them off like rain off a duck’s back….because it PROTECTS MY FEELINGS. Just think about it…this is not meant as a criticism, just an OBSERVATION because I DO CARE about YOU! (((hugs)))
Dear Louise, I’m sorry….anniversaries are difficult to cope with sometimes, but they will get easier as time goes on and as you process the grief. ((((Hugs)))))