In the wake of Weinergate, CNN posted an article entitled, Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim. Abedin, of course, is Anthony Weiner’s wife, who I’m sure was, at the very least, embarrassed by the scandal, and perhaps angry enough to consider divorce.
The article quotes a couple of authors telling women to choose not to be victims. Instead, women should choose to define their own happiness. Oh, there are a couple of caveats—the advice doesn’t apply to women who fear for their safety or are facing financial ruin. But there is no discussion of what to do when your relationship is so emotinally abusive that you are psychologically traumatized.
In short, this story offers advice for women coping with infidelity whose partners are not sociopaths. Which is fine—these women need advice as much as anyone. But the article also reinforces society’s “just get over it” attitude, which makes life difficult for women dealing with true exploitation.
Read Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim on CNN.com.
Stargazer,
I read your thread of posts and there’s a pattern that stands out to me. You seem to push for more very quickly rather than let it develop. NORMAL men can’t commit to wearing a new pair of underwear. Reading your posts, I get the impression you want a guy you met Online !??! to behave with certain manners but you haven’t gotten to know him enough to know if he EVER uses those manners. Then you also want closure when there was no relationship? Your behavior with these guys is Not emotionally healthy at all. It makes you perfect spath target b/c spaths WILL adapt as you demand, but not b/c they have good manners, rather b/c being demanding makes them feel entitled to set you up. Good posters have written a lot of wise words to you, and instead of explaining yourself and minimizing the advice, take a little time and THINK about your behavior. It’s not the kind of behavior that attracts a great guy.
Oxy:
I still miss my dad a lot, but it does get easier. But I will never forget him of course.
I don’t like not having computer access, but will try to stay updated with you all. I like to know what is going on with you all.
((Louise)))
Find some peace while you are gone.
Enjoy something new…do it in honor of your Father.
He will smile if you do something nice for yourself.
Don’t worry about us, we’ll flounder somehow without you! 🙂
Just take this time for you, Louise and know my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love ~ Dupedster
Star
I get it. It’s hard to step back and hear what other people say b/c it feels so wounding. So you respond right away and push away those feelings rather than explore them. I am no different. I’d rather it be because of them rather than b/c of my behavior or choices. Maybe it is “them”, but the outcome for me was the same. If you keep doing the same behavior, you will get the same outcome. It’s not healthy. Great guys are not online. And three dates, or even 10 is not enough to decide to move any more forward than possibly another date. Great guys don’t let themselves be that vulnerable after a few dates, it’s not good practice for you to either. And yes, I already know, your blinders are on solid. Sometimes we take heart and learn, and sometimes we are the lesson for others.
Wishing you Peace and Light.
Hello All ~ I have not posted for awhile, but this recent series of posts has made me feel a need to comment.
This is what I see everywhere on this site:
Person A writes about an issue they are dealing with. Persons B, C and D make comments and offer suggestions and/or advice.
Person A then responds with clarification of details as requested. Assorted others make additional comments offering supportive advice. Person A expresses thanks to all etc.
In other instances, Person A is not open to ANY of the suggestions and/or advice and gets defensive and clams up. Now, I realize that deep emotional hurt causes hypersensitivity.
What I’m having trouble understanding is why folks can’t just accept that we’re all here for the same reason, and want to help each other.
For the most part, I see folks that truly want to help in a supportive and non-judgemental way.
I read here almost everyday. I am learning so much from ALL of you! Thanks very much for sharing a bit of yourselves with me. I am learning to be CALM and much more logical in dealing with the PD’s in my life.
Thank you with all my heart,
h2h
Star:
Give it a day or two or three and come back to read all of your posts…..we have. Then read all the advice given by the caring LF community.
You stated on more than one occasion that your spath experience was so very limited. One encounter and just a 3 month experience. Over it. Maybe you don’t think you need any advice? Wrong! May I be blunt? You are dissing and dismissing all advice because it was not asked for? Snap! Snap! at Oxy, Louise and others. When you read your posts and see what you wrote to one particular poster, One_Joy, you will see how cruel it was.
One_Joy’s experience it one of the most vicious ‘mind fs’ I have ever read about on this blog. When she offered you excellent advice, you gave her yours . You told her, “Skype would require the person actually being the gender Ha Ha”. Anyone who has read her story would know this was an invalidation of her horrible experience. A kick in the knees.
Before I go back to being a fly on the wall, I wish you love. Shalom.
Star,
everything Oxy said, I second.
And I would add, if he acts like a high school kid, who says he’ll call and then not call, then he is emotionally stunted.
And we know that spaths are emotionally arrested, so the dude is a half-spath.
Example: he says, he was gonna call but he’s been working on his motorcycle. 24/7? Then he says he doesn’t remember saying he was going to call. So you must’ve read his mind because you knew that he was going to call (if not for the motorcycle) He is a jerk, Star, and a half-spath because he handles his life with lies. Lies are a RED FLAG.
((((H2H))))
Okay, Dupedster is ready to go on my ‘field trip’.
Hope you all have an awesome day. Put it all aside
just for a little while and do something HAPPY for you!
*BIG HUGS TO ALL*
Duh-Dupedster
Star,
remember Kim Frederick’s date at the museum?
In case you don’t, I’ll remind you the best I can remember.
A friend told her they knew a guy she should date and then exchanged their numbers for them.
Kim and the guy, we’ll call Joe, talked on the phone a few times then made a “tentative arrangement” to meet at a museum, but Joe didn’t show. It wasn’t set in stone, so Kim wasn’t shocked or hurt. She called him and he said he had laid down for a power nap and never woke up. I’m not sure I’m remembering this correctly, but what I most remember is that Kim knew what he was by her OWN feelings towards him. She was becoming increasingly needy and dependant on his approval of her. She knew from her past experience that there are people who manipulate your emotions very subtly by playing the hot/cold game. This is trauma bonding. She liked him but got the hell away from him, not because she pinned down what he was or why he did things, but because she listened to her own feelings and DID THE OPPOSITE, of what her feelings said to do.
I watched a guy doing the hot/cold to my BF at an after-conference party. This dude, is a good looking, slick dresser with a rep in social media. Everyone else was wearing jeans and tennis shoes, but he was wearing jeans and italian loafers.
We met him at the conference and BF was trying to have a conversation with him. I was watching from a few feet away. The dude was doing these very subtle body language cues of hot/cold toward BF. It was done in a minute to minute basis. I couldn’t believe it. When it was over, about 20 minutes later, BF came away wanting to really connect with this narcissistic freak. I explained to BF what had just happened and he understood, but he still wanted to connect. He was trauma bonded that quick.
Lots of people do these things. You call them jerks. I call them narcissists or spaths, or sickos because they operate on your emotions instead of being up front. It’s manipulative.
I just got a kiss on the cheek and I kissed her back-it was totally unsolicited by me when she was getting in the car to leave for work. Once I got in the house I started crying. She reduced me to tears in all of a few seconds. I have been up the past couple of night crying over not wanting to leave her and I told myself “no crying today” and here I am. I have a feeling that I am going to end up professing me feelings to her before I leave. I feel like I can’t breathe.