In the wake of Weinergate, CNN posted an article entitled, Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim. Abedin, of course, is Anthony Weiner’s wife, who I’m sure was, at the very least, embarrassed by the scandal, and perhaps angry enough to consider divorce.
The article quotes a couple of authors telling women to choose not to be victims. Instead, women should choose to define their own happiness. Oh, there are a couple of caveats—the advice doesn’t apply to women who fear for their safety or are facing financial ruin. But there is no discussion of what to do when your relationship is so emotinally abusive that you are psychologically traumatized.
In short, this story offers advice for women coping with infidelity whose partners are not sociopaths. Which is fine—these women need advice as much as anyone. But the article also reinforces society’s “just get over it” attitude, which makes life difficult for women dealing with true exploitation.
Read Stop calling Huma Abedin a victim on CNN.com.
skylar
Liz,
you’re another victim of the hot/cold treatment. That stuff really works, apparently.
ElizabethBennett
Well everything around has been hot here lately-not cold. I haven’t seen cold in awhile-not like I used to.
skylar
I know Liz. What would be the point in being cold before you leave? It will be hot, then you’ll leave, when you get back, it will be hot for a while and then cold. By freezing you sometimes, it makes you desire and appreciate the hot more.
You do a lot of little chores for her, like washing her car. She should be paying you because you are unemployed. I know you wouldn’t want to accept, but think about it. If you had money and someone who didn’t have a job, washed your car and took your garbage out, wouldn’t you give them a $20 bill?
ElizabethBennett
Sky-I do things for her because I love doing things for her and there’s no way it would be accepted even if she offered it. She knows that I care for her but she doesn’t know that I’m falling for her. I can’t help but have the desire to treat her like others haven’t in her past. Those aren’t the only things I do for her either.
KatyDid
Lizzy,
Have a great trip and a great experience. Take time for yourself and gain some perspective. You are so emotionally invested way too fast and way too deeply and you are so vulnerable in a relationship that does not have an honest foundation. You have no idea what is really going on with her (maybe motherly thinking?); she does not know what is really going on with you. I feel such concern for you, like big drama train wreck acoming. All our advice and warning did not stop you from continuing this path. Please? LF Advice came from care FOR you, not from taking FROM you. That’s about as pure as advice gets. Kinda funny how this job to take you elsewhere evolved. Maybe the universe is also trying to help you get some time/distance to THINK??!!
All my best,
Katy
skylar
Lizzy,
I know, I’m just like you that way. There are people who can smell us out and they use the pity ploy and the hot/cold and a myriad of other narcissist games to make us WANT desperately to be their servants and be happy to do so. It’s called being a doormat or a martyr. I have the same problem, so that’s why I ask to be paid before I do work. That way, I get to be a slave but not a door mat. 🙂 And you know what else? I’m honest about it to everyone. I explain it just like I did to you.
I want to change my attitude, but there is a good possibility that I’ll always be this way and won’t be able to change, so I had to find a way to make it work for me, at least until I can get deprogrammed.
MoonDancer
Oh My….Star’s Star….I have learned that when I open myself up like a book I feel real naked, so I dont tell everything or all the details..this is cyber land after all…I think it is GREAT that you have actual real life friends to discuss life with..I am envious….dont stay away for ever..I will miss ya to much..
ElizabethBennett
Sky-she does things for me too. We kinda watch out for each other. She has helped me out with a lot of work related things and this morning took a massive stack of documents with her to work that I was supposed to go pay to fax at kinkos. She asked what I was going to be doing today and I gave her the list and she asked if she could please take all my stuff to work and fax it for free so I wouldn’t have to pay.
Katy-I really do appreciate your post and your concern but I really have to do things the way I need to do them right now. At least I can finally get this off my chest and I won’t be so tormented about it anymore. She asked me to come over tonite when she gets home from work. I have some flowers for her and a thank you card for being so supportive. I am feeling brave today and tired of crying over her all the time, so I am going to “put on my big girl panties”, as she says and I’m going to tell her how I feel about her. If she doesn’t feel the same way then it will at least be off my chest and I can go away and grieve if need be and move on. I can’t take the torment anymore-she needs to know and I need this heavy weight off me.
MoonDancer
Lizzy I think you need to do this..put me in your pocket for support and let me know how it goes….
ElizabethBennett
Hens-you have no idea how much it helps me that you’re saying this. I need all the courage that I can get. With just that little kiss this morning, she had me all week in the knees and crying when I got in the house. She told me she’d see me tonite and leaned over and extended her cheek to me. I kissed her and then she kissed me back. I never want to wash my face ever again. I have to get this off my chest or I will keep being tormented over it. I think it will make it easier too that I have a dozen roses and a card for her to give her before I do it. I love you Hens-you are one of my favorite guys.