UPDATED FOR 2022: Suppose you successfully get rid of a sociopath and he or she leaves you alone. Then, after months of No Contact, he or she reaches out to you. The sociopath wants to begin again. What do you do?
Here’s an email exchange I once had with a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Alana.”
Alana wrote:
Donna, I came across ur website accidentally after I left a guy and was searching for some answers on whether he was abusive, I was left totally confused.
When I met him 4 years ago, he seemed so crazy about me and he would send me hundreds of texts per day and 10 phone calls, he wanted to see me every day. At first I felt suffocated I wanted to run in the other direction, but he kept telling me I’m the best thing ever and his words are so poetic, I thought wow, it’s so different cause this guy really is obsessed with me, he’s so different from the rest of them who want to play the field and take their time or never call back. My best friend said oh my god he’s obsessed with u, and he talks like this to u?! Ur never going to be able to leave.
But then he has an ugly side to him. He loses his temper on me, pressures me for sex, he was rigid about everything. He was also a control freak, over the years he broke up with me for going to the gym, having lunch with female friends, putting other things above him. I still thought it was all because he just cared about me so much, but then I found out he does whatever he likes and doesn’t tell me about. He punishes me for things he’s done himself. I got quite resentful.
I tried to leave him so many times. But I always end up going back to him cause he would chase me. He said I abandoned him every time I left; he’s threatened to kill himself several times. He also threatened to show my pictures to everyone else if I abandon him. After all these things failed, he started going to church, he became Mr. Wonderful overnight. I seriously don’t know what happened, but he seems to have changed, and he says he loves me and wants to make it up to me.
He still makes me cry, and he’s so indifferent because when I cry, he doesn’t stop yelling and he puts me on speaker and goes silent when I’m sobbing. Sometimes I feel he has no emotions unless they are his. He often smiles when I catch him in a lie too. It creeps me out totally.
We finally took a break. He actually honored his words and gave me a month to think. I didn’t want to go back after a month so I never contacted him again. Then he started writing me again, he told me how thankful he is to ever known me and I will always be number one in his heart, but for now space is best, and that he is really doing ok thanks to all I’ve taught him, and how I’ve made him such a good person.
Donna, what am I dealing with here? I’m so confused. I don’t want to judge him, but I’ve been so hurt idk who I’m dealing with anymore. Is it the guy who truly loves me or is it someone totally sick and manipulative?
I replied:
The guy is a sociopath. He is incapable of love, so I’m afraid he never loved you. It is all about control. He wants to control you.
Do not go back to him. In fact, do not have any contact with him at all. In order for you to recover, you need to stay away from him. they are experts at reeling you back in if you give him the slightest opening.
Six months later, I received another email from Alana:
Hi Donna, as u can see I wrote u six months ago. Since then, I’ve cut off all contact. I blocked phone numbers through my phone company, I blocked every email address. I changed routines and routes, I quit one of my jobs so I’d never run into him. I don’t use social media, and I made myself to quit googling his. I’ve never looked.
I’ve kept no contact firm and steady for six months. And then, he wrote me from a newly created email address. He begged for my return, he said if I don’t respond then he’d be damaged forever by what I’m doing to him.
Of course I felt an enormous amount of guilt. I wrote back out of guilt and shame. But I said I don’t hate u, I just want to heal and I asked him to just leave it like this. He didn’t write me back. I have that sick feeling again. I hate myself for writing back out of sympathy.
I am still keeping no contact and moving past this set back. It’s the right choice, right?
I replied:
Yes. Please recognize that his “damaged forever” plea is just manipulation. His intention is to reel you in again. If you return, you will experience all of the atrocious behavior all over again. Commit to yourself again to No Contact. Do not respond, no matter what he says.
Do they return?
People often ask me, do sociopaths return? As this story illustrates, sometimes, unfortunately, they do. They wait for awhile, and then the sociopaths want to begin again.
In Alana’s case, the guy waited six months. I’ve heard of other cases in which the sociopath has been gone for years, and has turned up again.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Why? Why, when they seem to have finally gotten the message and disappeared, do they all of a sudden pop up?
The answer is simple. They were able to manipulate you before, so they’ll try to manipulate you again.
Sometimes the sociopaths are desperate perhaps their newest target has caught on to the scam, and has thrown them out. They need to find new supply, and fast.
Other times, the sociopaths are just trolling. They’re putting the hooks out to see if you will bite.
Sixth sense
Quite a few people have told me that just when they finally felt they were getting over the experience with a sociopath, just when they were starting to finally relax that’s when the sociopath initiated contact.
Sociopaths often seem to have a sixth sense about when you might be receptive to hearing from them.
In fact, some people actually felt they had recovered enough, and were strong enough, to be “friends” with the sociopath.
It didn’t work. Although the sociopaths stayed on good behavior for a while, sooner or later the lying, manipulation and abuse began again. The targets felt all the old pain and betrayal. Except this time it was worse, because the targets were also angry at themselves for opening the door and letting the sociopaths in.
And, their recovery was back at square one.
No Contact is forever
If you’ve been involved with a sociopath, once you get the person out of your life, make sure he or she stays out, even if the sociopath wants to begin again.
This may feel uncomfortable. You know how you would feel if someone turned their back on you, so you don’t want to do it to another person, even a sociopath.
Remember, sociopaths do not feel the way that you feel.
Alana wrote back out of “guilt and shame.” But I assure you, the sociopath did not experience any guilt or shame, no matter how badly he treated her. He knew that Alana is a nice woman, and tried to use that to his advantage with his claim that he would be “damaged forever.”
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Yeah, right. Had Alana let him proceed, he would soon be back to his old controlling ways. Even though she temporarily relapsed, I’m so glad Alana quickly recovered and went back to No Contact.
To protect yourself forever, remember this: No Contact is forever.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on May 18, 2015.
4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating
Thank you. This is a very timely post for me. I still can’t understand how someone has no conscious. How they can blatantly lie and hurt and not feel remorse or guilt.
I received another love bomb text last night. I thought I had blocked but didn’t do it right….made sure this time. I deleted of course. I think the fact that he is still trying after 3 weeks and i have not responded once speaks volumes…..who does that? I would ask why he would expect me to go back to him now that I know he is living with someone else. But I guess if I fell for his lies before, he thinks I will do so again.
I saw a great quote from Lewis Carroll. “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then”
I think it fits. I could never go back to him because he has forever changed a large part of me.
Ironic.
Another really good reason not to go back to your ex spath is because of all the reasons you had to break up with him the first time – all the unacceptable things he does, and because he makes you feel terrible.
It’s been over a year since me or my husband have had any contact with his ex. My husband had to change his number, but he kept the old number so that his kids calls only will be forwarded to his new # and go through. Its very complicated but it has worked. The guy at at cellular provider set it up for him after he explained the situation. Because he really couldn’t change his number and tell the kids because their mom would find out. But we haven’t received a text or call in over a year. And I am pretty sure she didn’t just stop one day.
It’s been nice.
He use to get 30 text messages a day that were so long, his phone wouldn’t even be able to process the entire message. She sends him a random email here and there from her new husbands email address. It’s rather pathetic. I’m sure she is still spreading her gossip and doing what she has always done. But the positive thing is we don’t have to deal with it or her anymore.
And we still see my husbands kids every other week. My relationship with them is better than ever. My husbands relationship with them is better than it ever has been also.
Before the ex only wanted to text and call to CONTROL EVERY SITUATION. Her intentions were not good. They were malicious. She wanted to keep contact with my husband to screw with our life. Ex – she would tell him or me to pick up the kids at 4:30 at her home. When one of us would get there – no kids. They were gone. And we were constantly on wild goose chases to find the kids.
That was exhausting and tiring. And after 3 years of it I said ENOUGH.
So since no contact – life has been better. My husbands stress levels have been down and so have mine. We don’t know what she has been doing and don’t care.
Oh and one last thing. The main reason we saw no reason to communicate with the ex. Was the kids were older and all communication from her was bad. She lied about emergency situations. She told my husband his at the time 13 year old daughter found a lump on her breast and was getting surgery to have it removed the next day.
I thought it sounded fishy. But he was embarrassed to text his daughter about it (and that’s exactly why the sociopath made it up about a female part, because she was counting on him being to embarrassed to ask his young daughter) but I simply sent my step daughter a text and said “I heard you went to doctor today, everything ok?” She was like “what?” I didn’t go to doctor”.
That was when we realized there was no point in communicating with her. Nothing good or informative would ever come out of it. She lies. Lies lies ..
Alana, I forgot to thank you for having the courage to write Donna. As I mentioned above, it helped me greatly.
I understand the guilt and shame. Weird that we have someone in our lives that makes us feel so awful…..yet we end up feeling sorry for them. Guilty if we don’t respond to them if they reach out. Try and soothe them when they claim they are in pain. How does that happen?
I am 3 weeks of No Contact….3 weeks and a few days since I found out my “boyfriend” was someone else’s husband/living with someone else. 3 weeks since I googled “depth of deception” and landed here because I was rocked to my core over the lies. 3 weeks of reading and researching and pouring my heart out to the wonderful, wise,caring women on this forum. 3 weeks of feeling like I’m going to wake up and find out it was just a bad dream.
Obviously, I’m still so new to this and can only offer the following advice….. Read everything you can find about sociopaths, ask questions, take to heart what those on this forum offer…they have been where we are. They are generous enough to take the time to offer their experiences, teach us how to get through this. While my friends and family don’t understand, everyone here does. You are not alone.
Holy smokes. I can identify with every word here.
Mine came back 7 years later and turned my life into a living nightmare.
I am still struggling with questions about what these evil disordered individuals are capable of.
its like we are talking about the same person over and over again.
Stronginthecity
Lots of good information here, really excellent post. A key point is that spaths do not feel nor think like we normal folks do. Understanding that was extremely helpful to me in understanding my ex P’s motivation underlying his hurtful, confusing, frustrating behavior.
It is generally not possible to be ‘friends’ with a spath at any point. If they had good enough character to be a friend (to anyone), they would be good partners in a romantic relationship. All the reasons that they hurt their victims and make them miserable in a romantic relationship are reasons they don’t make a good friend.
Thank you Donna,
And like you said StrongITC, it’s like we are talking about the same person over and over again.
Yep, after two years Spathtard called me from someone else’s Cl phone. Same old same old. I was actually glad I didn’t hang up on him the second time he rang back because it was just what I needed to be 100% sure. It always lingered in my mind because he had not contacted me. He also confirmed several of the puzzle pieces I had put together in a couple of the things he said. Unfortunately I was caught so off guard I didn’t use the responses I would have liked to but all in all it was a very positive thing for me although it did stir up some emotions initially. I totally disagree that something like this puts you back to square one. You might briefly put your big toe back down on square one but it’s much much different than the initial HELL of square one!
“In fact, some people actually felt they had recovered enough, and were strong enough, to be “friends” with the sociopath.” This is what puts people back at square one – taking the abuser back into their lives is never a good thing. Donna didn’t imply that the brief contact Alana had with her former abuser put her back at square one, so it wouldn’t apply to your situation, either.
All of us have to be diligent about not letting guilt or shame push us into letting the abuser back into our lives. If talking with your former abuser briefly stirred up emotions, imagine how damaging it would be to accept him back into your life as a friend or even lover! Thankfully, you didn’t go down that path.
This message is SO important!! I too had been away from my ex for 3 months with no contact. I had left him and tried to remain friends for several months. In the past he had always wiggled his way back into my life but this time I had refused to let even bring one thing in the house and eventually he had moved away for work. I think he thought I would crumble at the thought of him leaving but I stood firm and he left. I blocked his email and seeing as I was self employed and didn’t want to change my number, I just checked call display. He never called or emailed and the months went by. I was even starting to date a bit.
Then my land line rang one day as I was walking out the door and I let the answering machine pick it up and heard his voice. I regret it to this day but I picked up the phone. I was curious, I felt strong, he was two provinces away; what harm could there be in just hearing what lies he had in store for me. I figured he could never suck me in again, I was on to him.
It started with him just wanting to see how I was, he was doing well, making good money and just wanted to know how I was, he really cared for me and wanted to help me out if I was struggling. I wasn’t and said thanks but no thanks. We got off the phone and then a few days later an email arrived saying how good it was to hear my voice.
It took a few weeks of emails and a couple of innocent enough seeming phone calls and I started to look forward to receiving them. Then he hit with everything he had. He called in tears, he had been given 6 months to live and he was sorry to call and lay it on me but I was the only person he wanted to talk to, and he asked if I would consider meeting with him when he was in town in a couple of weeks. I agreed. Second mistake.
He came and well, he cried real tears, he apologized for everything, said he knew what he had screwed up and he hoped, prayed that I would take him back and let him prove he was a changed man. All he wanted was a chance, on my terms. he apologized to my son, my son believed him and felt such a weight off his shoulders because he had packed so much hatred for my ex.
The 3 of us had 3 months of the kind of relationship I had only dreamed of between us. We were a family, laughed, my son had us over for dinner and was sure to include my ex. They went to dinner together, I almost felt left out at times they got so close.
Once I agreed to move away with him (with my son’s blessings) he flew out to help me move (he had never helped move ever) I thought he really had changed. We weren’t on the road a day and his whole attitude changed, like a switch went off he was the old loathing abuser I had left only this time I was unemployed, given up my home, and I was totally dependent on him.
Later when I asked him why he had apologized not only to me but my son he matter of factly said “I told you want you needed to hear. i knew you wouldn’t come back without your son’s blessing so I told him what he needed to hear.” It took me almost 2 years to extricate myself from the relationship and it all but killed me. It’s been 5 years and I have still not recovered financially. and he is very much still alive and bleeding the new woman dry.
They do not change, if you give them a crack they will weasel their way into your heart again somehow and this time they will make sure when they leave you have nothing to recoup with.
I realize now that he could not handle that I had done well without him and he came back with the soul purpose of destroying me. His ego couldn’t handle the fact that I had done well without him and to him that meant he had not done his job. I was lucky to escape with my life and he still lurks in my life and tries to make trouble every year or so.
They are evil.
Ladywithatruck,
What a night mare.
I read so many stories here that I am convinced they are all the same man running around the world with all thsee different women.
My story is pretty much the same minus the moving away.
That was next and so grateful never happened.
How are you doing now?
Stronginthecity
Lday
I read your post again
yikes that’s exactly what he wanted to do.
It just hit me.
It never happened.
That’s what he wanted to remove me from my house that I own and bring me yo a place he bought so we could have a little garden.
Yeah right!
I would be under his total control and miserable.
Stronginthecity
Wow. I am so sorry you had to go through that. As someone who is currently battling cancer anytime I hear of anyone using the “I have so much time to live..” Line to their victims makes me livid. No one deserves to be told that lie. It gets to the deepest part of anyone with a heart’s- soul.
The more I read the more I too am convinced they are all from the same cloth. The changing like a light switch. I always was in shock, caught in headlights/ deer mode when I saw it happening. I never got an explaination ( and often thought I would feel better if I did, my question of “what’s happening or what” would be shunned/ ignored) after reading your post I know neither way is “better” it’s horrifying.
I just want to say you are an inspiration. (All of the posts are here in their own unique way.) how are things now if you don’t mind me asking?
The other day “She’s Not There”, by the Zombies (’60’s group) was played on the radio.
I’ve always liked that song, so I turned up the volume. Turns out, had I listened and “understood” the meaning behind those lyrics way back when that song was popular, it might have served as a warning.
But…this time I understood.
With sociopaths, one can see their physical features like height, coloring, etc…but beyond that…everything they reveal about themselves is probably based upon their lying imaginations! They pretend to be someone who doesn’t really exist.
Who are they? I wonder if they even know.
Play acting to gain attention isn’t love…it’s a game…really sad, when you think about it.
Avoidance seems easier realizing that “He’s NEVER Been There”