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By | April 3, 2019 5 Comments

After divorcing one diagnosed narcissist, marrying another one

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Cathy19. Names have been changed.

To start my ex husband was clinically diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) with sociopath tendencies and OCD (random I know but wanted to be thorough). I had five years of marriage and two kids with him. Almost ten years later I’m still dealing with him but distance between us geographically has helped.

On the downside I remarried, which is how the geographical divide came about. After six months in court being attacked from all angles by the ex in an effort to stop the move, it turns out the good guy I thought I knew and had now married…was undeniably NPD yet it’s unclear how deep and how dark this well runs.

He’s currently on a campaign smear about town, claiming he’s being abused by me and I’m gas lighting him, despite the fact he kicked up this campaign after he rushed at me in a rage over the door to the bedroom being left open last Monday morning, following that with him announcing he’s taking his son and leaving and the full rent plus bills would be due in three days. (I lost my job in December and was encouraged repeatedly by him to not rush to find another but that’s another side story.) This left me with my two young sons with no money, no means to generate money fast enough to cover what was due now, plus I’d given him $500 a few days before specifically to go towards rent.

I asked him what happened to the $500, not knowing it had been spent on anything else.

He lost his mind, flew in to rage, slamming the glass door to the porch where I was sitting, pacing back and forth half on to the porch half back inside full blown rage. Called me a c*nt and lectured me over the cost of rent and how I didn’t have a job, then back to name calling, then poof! He charged off.

Suddenly I hear walls vibrating inside from his full voltage fist of fury attack. He wailed on the walls until his hands bled. Then resurfaced to the porch… All I could say was “walk away Tom. That’s enough.”

Shortly after he left, the onslaught of texts started ranting about how I’m gas lighting him, how I’m abusing him and how he isn’t to blame for everything. I pointed out he’d actually attacked me…there’s no grey area there…and to please stop claiming he’s being gas lighted, as it’s an insult to those of us who’ve truly lived through it.

That was all it took, he was off and rubbing around town … talking to the police, talking to various domestic hotlines, rallying his soldiers and building his case … I still have no clue why either, I mean, no one’s forcing you to be married buddy. It’s an at-will marriage, kick rocks man, but why the need to knowingly traumatize me like this?

He’s quoted claims my ex husband had made in the legal papers he filed to block my move here, he made crazy claim after crazy accusation, and here I am again looking around wondering why? What the f*ck does he get from this? How insane must a person be to intentionally go this route? To involve the police and risk me losing my kids, all because this idiot can’t handle his own reality?

Omg. I was married to a high functioning masterful NPD/sociopath.

Crazymaking by the ex-husband

It’s sick to say but after the number my ex husband worked on me … the heartache the crazymaking the foggy reality knowing that exact second you felt you inner spark extinguish … my ex husband took the sparkle that made me special and methodically put it out. It took years to even understand that this wasn’t normal… After his last few attacks I filed a TOP on him. Life went from hell to the very darkest list of hell … He manipulated my family from me, his own family railed against me, I went from being at home mom to working overnight and couldn’t figure out up from down or happened so fast my kids heads were reeling,

I’d started drinking excessively which made me gain weight which fueled new attacks during his stalking moments. (I worked from home after initial training.) He’d corner me at home and rage at me through the window, through locked doors, over the back porch fence … while I was training in office at first he’d come into the house taking various things, searching for court info.

When he finally got around to picking up the kids for his visitation he’d send one, random pic of the boys, the only pic ever he didn’t inject himself into (always photos of him and the boys, the look at me I’m an awesome parent” picture montage) … but he’d send that one without him and just them, doing nothing but eating dinner …wearing clothes I knew I had just put into their drawers the night before. The whole thing was so seemingly innocent on the surface and so menacing underneath. Out of everything he did to me that chilled me to the core for some reason.

All the while there’s so much more happening… He was a serial cheater … it was a sport to him, the hunt, the game play ….the sex, he couldn’t live without it. I found out by year three, while pregnant with our second boy. After it was all said and done this guy racked up such body count I was so numb from the pain of being betrayed relentlessly, the hurt and humility of having been a top athlete, a model and successfully in my career path when we married, to be torn down so cruelly on so many levels, only to find out that here he was, the love of my life…willing to throw down with anyone dumb enough to fall for his “OMG my wife and kids sob story” WHAT?

He cheated on me with anything that might have a pulse THEN used me to seal the deal and bag the girl. I mean the body count was naive to the point I finally found myself thinking….”all right man, F*ck it … well done to you.” That’s sick. Looking back now … how numb I was to react that way, how accustomed I’d become to the kids and the cheating and the attacks …

Even my kids had adjusted…I asked my then 5-year-old if he and his baby brother could settle down one beautiful afternoon as they rode their tiny bikes in circles on the back porch…I said “daddy’s going to be home soon as he sounds kinda crabby.” I asked my 5 year old is he knew what crabby meant… He did “yes, it means daddy’s going to be mean to mommy.” I felt myself fall apart on the inside … How had I let this happen?

Bonus round of poor marital judgment

There’s so much more and you may or may not be interested in it but it felt good to ramble it out. Wish me luck with the second bonus round of poor marital judgment.

It’s bullsh*t you know … if you’re a psycho BE A DAMN PSYCHO upfront. Own it. Give a girl a chance to know what’s she’s signing on to. Don’t act like a world-class superstar to reel us in, then turn into another sick twisted disappointment, reeking of insecurity and mommy issues. Argh.

 


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Hafren

I had two consecutive relationships with a psychopath, they sense your weakness when you’re at your lowest point and then they pounce! I waited three years before I dated again but I was still vulnerable and I had no idea that such people walked amongst us every day and that I was in for another rough ride. The second relationship brought me to my knees but I think I’ve learned a lesson by now but time will tell,

regretfullymine

The 2nd psychopath I got involved with, was a private contractor whom I hired to fix, redecorate, re-roof my house. The work he DID do was excellent, but he ripped me off for far more than I was expecting to pay. Very smooth talker too. I’ve learned a hard-earned lesson about psychopaths and money!

slimone

Right? It would be so refreshing (a stretch, but true) if they owned their behavior. Just be what you want to be, and do what you want to do. But stop with the need to WIN. every. single. moment.

They just can’t though. The ‘behaviors’ are the least of it (unless they are physically harming someone). Like you said, go ahead and screw everyone you can get your hands on. Go ahead and spend all the money. Go ahead and leave me on a whim. Just stop the post f*** up manipulations and projection.

It’s how they deal with the fallout from their actions that really is the issue. They simply CANNOT take any responsibility for their actions. Zero.

They do bad things, and hurt people. And the people they hurt get the blame, and are made to pay the price on the sociopath’s behalf. They project EVERYTHING outside of themselves.

They are SO psychologically weak that any threat to their defense mechanisms feels life threatening.

I dated 3 of these types in a row, after separating from my partner of 13 years. All met online. Each one presented differently than the last, until you got to know them. Then the basic sociopathic playbook was followed: love bomb, hook, devalue, leave, destroy, try to come back.

freebody

That sounds horrible. It seems that abusers tend to twist the facts and make everything the victim’s fault. But ofcourse you are probably a very capable woman dealing with a tough experience and are just in the victim role right now. I think the more you focus on strengthening yourself and getting out of the situation- the better. I really hope you find peace and sorry you are going through this. Trust me, I know how toxic psychopaths/narcissists can be

lurking

Hmm. All of that does sound horrible. Senseless drama, now further pushing you down since you are a single mom, jobless with two exes building vicious smear campaigns. I would suggest being single for a while. I have done that for several years. I mean, there are some people who get a normal person and live happily ever after. I am childless and I only have to think about myself and I don’t want to make a mistake-so I don’t even tempt fate to any degree. Once you have kids, you need to be extra careful during their formative and vulnerable years. My mom married a disordered man (not a socio, just a borderline) and I have never fully understood why a woman would stay and subject her kids to that. My sister is now a love junkie- overlaps- can’t be alone. I can. It’s peaceful and certainly better for the kids. Could you try it for a while?

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