I’ve heard from multiple Lovefraud readers over the years who were annoyed, angry, horrified. These readers had finally realized what they were dealing with—a sociopath. They extricated themselves from the relationships and had no further contact with the disordered individuals. And what happened? Another sociopath came into their lives.
The readers asked: What is going on? Why can’t they leave me alone? Am I a sociopath magnet?
The answer is, not necessarily. Following are some observations to add perspective to the situation.
Millions of sociopaths
These disordered individuals are everywhere. As long as we’re living on this planet, we face the possibility of running into them.
Experts estimate that 1 percent to 4 percent of the population meet the criteria for psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder. But if you add in the narcissists and those with borderline personality disorder, 12 to 16 percent of the population are social predators. In the United States, that’s about 40 million people. With so many of them out there, we shouldn’t be surprised to come across them.
Faster recognition
The bad news is that these readers found themselves dealing with another sociopath. The good news is that they figured it out much more quickly this time around.
I think these readers should interpret their most recent experience as signs of growth. Yes, another sociopath came into their lives, but they spotted the predator! They know the warning signs and listened to their instincts! This is progress! This is good!
More healing
The fact that another sociopath appeared could also indicate that these readers still have more healing to do. Sociopaths sense vulnerabilities, like sharks sense blood in the water. Perhaps the readers need to look for more injuries within themselves that need to be addressed.
Remember, sociopaths come into our lives by exploiting vulnerabilities. Afterwards, we need to recover from the nasty encounter with the sociopath. But we also need to heal the earlier, deeper injury that enabled the sociopath to target us in the first place. Perhaps we were neglected as a child or abused in an earlier relationship. Or perhaps we had negative beliefs about ourselves—that we were unwanted or unlovable. By addressing and healing our vulnerabilities, we protect ourselves from further pain.
How to stay safe
The bottom line is that millions of sociopaths live among us, so chances are good that at some point, we’ll come across them. So here are the three steps to protecting ourselves:
- Know that sociopaths exist.
- Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
- Listen to our instincts.
Our intuition is designed to protect us from predators. It will almost always tell us, early in the involvement, that something is wrong with an individual. The trick is to pay attention and take action.
All of these readers did that. So yes, it is annoying to find another predator. But at least they got rid of them quickly, before too much damage was done. These Lovefraud readers should be proud of themselves.
Lovefraud originally published this story on September 10, 2012.
Sociopaths enjoy the game of destroying others–enabled by the courts, they find ways to keep the game alive
I just wanted to add a comment about the prevalence of sociopaths, narcissists and bpd sufferers in society. Healthy people maintain lasting personal relationships. As a consequence I’m of the opinion that this makes it likely that the percentage of disordered, predatory people looking for a relationship is much higher than the official statistics suggest. Does anyone else think the same?
Yes!
Hafren, I never thought of it in this way. Yes, I think you’re definitely onto something.
Absolutely! Especially online . I may be getting slightly paranoid but sometimes I read a particular profile and I can already recognise signs of antisocial personality disorder. Also looking at a picture of someone I can identify those empty , dead and evil eyes . The look I will never forget , the look that will be hunting me for the rest of my life .
Hi cloud 79. I was exploited by a sociopath from the online dating world. Im back on and trying to watch out for those characteristics. Besides the eyes do you have any other clues to look for? From my previous predator I know to watch out for a lack of relationships, lying (although it took some time to figure out), criminal background (although it took a while to find them from other states). Any input would be helpful.
I would say “watch” or listen very closely to his conversations. If they lack substance or always end up with something vein like sex, how you look, or asking you what you are wearing, chances are you should drop him and keep moving! Also listen to see if he is actually interested in learning about who you are inside, and what is important to you. If he is not sincerely interested, then, again he is probably someone who has no heart.
Finally, go with your gut!!! Be aware of how you feel after you chat with him, talk to him or go out on a date. Do you feel happy, comfortable and anxious to talk to him again? Or do you feel disturbed, violated, empty or nervous?
Donna, thanks for posting this article. This is what is happening in my life now. I’m glad you are putting this all in a different perspective, reminding us to keep working on ourselves.
Nearly a year ago, I came in contact with an 84 year old psychopath/still practicing lawyer through my work. After a several months of working in his home, all of my “feelers” were out with him as if I was having an out of body experience. My intuitive senses had shifted into high gear. I reported him to the website he contacted me from. The website has now blocked him so he won’t be able to post ads for anything with them again. I am very clear that he wasn’t just a sociopath, he took it one step higher. Definitely a psychopath of the Hannibal Lecter type.
He used the “wounded animal” tactic a lot to bring up the death of his deceased wife, and also the “long years he spent caring for her while she was ill”. I didn’t find his ad until after I’d started working there. He had called me about my ad. His ad said he was looking for a caregiver for his “loved one”. When I questioned him about that later, he admitted that the “care” was really for him. What I was doing was housecleaning at his very nice home, which I liked, but he was always there…did not like that. He paid me my highest rate. He has his cleaning staff accompany him on errands, out to lunch and dinner, with invitations to spend time with him at his home after hours. I called the lead person – not the psychopath – and told her that I wasn’t a good fit for the job. That was all I said.
Interestingly, the lead person’s husband is also a lawyer and is a best selling author of True Crime. They go out and about with this psychopath often….it’s apparent he plays the “wounded animal” with them, too….which I don’t understand.
Since I came in contact with the psychopath, I’ve found that my intuitive senses are more finely tuned. You see, it was such a shock to me when I realized this man was a psychopath. At the time, I was studying Love Fraud articles a lot, and doing other studying about anti-social behavior. When I meet new people now, it’s as if my inner guidance is “scouring” the new person for signs of anything that is “off”. Kind of weird, but glad I seem to have turned the corner. It definitely pays to continue reading Love Fraud, even when the anti social person is long gone.
Remember that these types are called predators. That means that they go out hunting for victims. They are also very good at reading people, so they are very good at spotting people who have been traumatized in the past. These things are major factors in explaining why many people end up in multiple bad relationships.
So what are they looking for? How do they know a person has been in an abusive relationship before? There are actually lots of things that are a dead giveaway for the predators.
For example, someone who says ‘thank you’ a lot, has very often been abused in the past and they are so grateful when someone treats them nicely that they may go overboard with the gratitude. Or the psychopath may ask the potential victim for a favor, not because they want the thing, but just to see how the person responds. A person who has been in an abusive relationship will be much more willing to comply (even if they don’t want to!) than someone who has not been manipulated before. Some manipulators give compliments, say critical things to the potential victim or even provoke anger in the person just so they can check the responses. They know by the responses whether the person in front of them will be easy to capture or not.
These are response patterns that are put in place by the original controlling partner and are very quickly recognizable to the next manipulator. The trick here is to learn how this was done to you so that you can undo the programming and chose other patterns of behavior instead.
david14, thank you for pointing out the dead giveaways for predators. I have reflected multiple times on what my “shiny” qualities could be that helped make me prey. You outlined them very well….. “These are response patterns that are put in place by the original controlling partner and are very quickly recognizable to the next manipulator.” – BAMM!!!! That makes PERFECT sense!!!!
when I bought a house in the small town, where I still live, I hired a contractor. I did NOT check him out, as I should have (and dumped him)..and he ripped me off, for work/repairs, that I lost for good. This was after I had been divorced from my psychopath husband..so I fell into another ‘pit’; money as I can tell you, hits you in the pocketbook, far harder than being emotionally hurt by a psychopath. I’ve learned lessons the hard way.
I must say that had I not joined this community to get information to deal with my own experience, I would not have been quick to recognise the red flags that I saw when I tried internet dating. Awareness of these individuals is very important and I am so thankful that I have access to all this information which enables me to not get into these situations
Sociopaths are present in the online dating pool. That is where mine found me. And to make it easy for him, I said I was a caring and thoughtful person who was dealing with a lot of loss. Add on a masters degree and there i was on a silver platter. Now i am back on online dating with a simplified profile and am trying to be very cautious.