By September 12, 2011 320 Comments Read More →

After the sociopath, advice for heartbreak

I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:

A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?

Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.

Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.

Advice? Yes, I have advice.

First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.

So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.

Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!

Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.

Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths  lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.

If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.

So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.

If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.

Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.

Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.

Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.

Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.

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320 Comments on "After the sociopath, advice for heartbreak"

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hens – this isn’t about old, can’t wit to get *there*, but i hear you. there are no good days right now. i wake in pain and i go to sleep in pain. the mood doesnt’ shift, except to get worse during the day. my liver is and kidneys are struggling, and i am losing the energy for the ‘the fight’. i don’t want to burden them so am not taking pain killers. I have some strong stuff – if i could afford a day out of it, i would take my morphine. my energy to take care of myself is ebbing. I have to figure this out.

((One Joy))
So sorry you are in pain.
I wonder if this is a “left over” from the anti-biotics you took earlier? Anti-biotics are hard on the intestines.
The intestine takes so long to heal, because it never gets a break.
I was eating gluten at least once a week without knowing it, for a year. Found out last June. By that time I had eczema all over my body. It has slowly gone down but I have a few patches left still and it’s been 3 months.


hi sky – it’s the mold exposure, the roomie leaving. the fall, the antibiotics, the infection, and my feet still haven’t healed (the tendons are ripped). my immine system – ie my gut is not happy, so i have started doing pro-biotic enemas. (sorry if that’s tmi for some folks) and taking betaine and digestive enzymes. i have managed 3 swims in the last 2 weeks (getting reaaallly cold in the sea), but i need more exercise to pull out of this depression.


okay, it’s a few hours later and i am just feeling worse. did manage to get to the chair and sit in the sun, and water my plants.

i have to get outside and away from the house or i am going to strangle the golden retreiver upstairs. I am angry beyond belief – i know it’s just the depression. i feel so unloved (the selfishness of the woman with the stupid golden just tipped me over the edge i was standing so close to) and angry.

i called the crisis line, but i got a ‘fixer’. someone who wanted to ‘trouble shoot’ and not just listen. so i had to hang up because i just felt worse.

it’s amazing to think i felt this way for years when i first had fibro. it’s fucking miserable.

I’m sure they don’t have shame. They externalize it, shove it all right onto someone else, usually the one they know has been the most prepared to accept it, so it can’t touch them. They know that what they’re doing is wrong but that’s as far as it goes. They don’t care.


Yes you are totally right about that, they have no shame.

I caught mine with so many lies – bold, in your face lies, and his response was to deny it, acknolwedge it, ignore it, whatever way the wind was blowing at the time. Oh my god, it was just beyond ridiculous. No shame.


This is the VERY BEST article ever written on in my humble opinion.

I have wanted to know the answer.


Thank you so much

“Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.”

This is so very true, and what we experienced has a name: Emotional Rape. Basically, emotional rape is the purposeful, systematic devastation of a victim by a predator who targeted her with the intent to cause serious harm. What we experienced (and what people we look to for help and support don’t understand) is that we were NEVER involved in a romantic relationship; we were victimized, plain and simple. Learn about emotional rape to heal fully from this heinous crime.
Peace to all here.

that’s why we call them relationshits! (moon’s coin of phrase)

Nice website btw, and good links. Thanks for doing your part to spread the word about the evil that pervades humanity.

Thanks, Skylar.

Relationshits — I hadn’t heard that one, but I love it!

I plan to continue doing my part to spread the word about evil since I have personal experience with it now. The website helps me deal with what I went through, and I hope it’ll help others.

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