I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Recovering- you need to go NC. He doesn’t give a damn! Sorry to say. And it sounds like friend is using you for info, sympathy, and sex if it’s just an added bonus. Stay clear of these people.
Hi Ex Umbris! Welcome to LF. I am new too. This place rocks.
Skylar, I love your comment: “I try to really FEEL myself as a speck of dust in this immense and mysterious universe.
I imagine the vast cosmos and the tiny planet hurling through space and time. Then I think of how tiny”
That’s beautiful. Ironically, I used to do this all the time BEFORE I met the spaths. It was almost like a daily meditation for me. Then the spath parade showed up and I lost my touch. How odd…..
Hello everyone. I read many of your comments and they have been a tremendous help to me. I have been struggling to get past being discarded by my ex sociopath. I was with him for a year and a half and engaged to him. During this time I found out he was cheating on me and other lies and deceit. Then I found out last month he was actually married the whole time we were together and was also a full blown drug addict. I was so emotionally dependent on him that I actually stayed after finding out the whole relationship was an elaborate hoax from start to finish. I was clinging onto the hope that somehow he loved me and wanted to be with me. Finally on Friday he turned very cold. I suppose he no longer had a use for me so he cut me off. He ignored me and i fell apart. I have been crying for 5 days now and it is affecting my daily life. I try to go out and get things done but then I break down and cry and have to go home. I suppose I am going through withdrawals because I am definitely addicted to him. I don’t want to be this way. I intellectually understand that he is a loser and not worth crying over, but crazily enough I really miss him and if he were here I would still take him in! I just can’t wait to get past this grieving process and get on with life. Anyway, thank you to all on this site for sharing your stories and wisdom.
Ahhh shoot Michi!!!! I have to leave for work but I hope someone else comes in her to talk to you!!!!
I’ll be back later and I will catch up with you then.
Take care and ((hugs))
MICHI:Boy do I know that feeling. It’s so hard especially in the beginning. My story is a bit diff from yours I actually left my spath but when I did he flipped things on me accused me of stealing to get focus off him and I needed up feeling like the one who was discarded. There is no such thing as a clean break with these people. You won’t agree to disagree and just move on possibly remaining friends like you may with a normal person. They are so good at manipulation, any confrontation will be flipped on you and you’ll feel awful sometimes apologizing to them for accusations. The last days were painful for me. I knew he was cheating and I had to muster enough strength to end it. NOTHING good comes out of being with them. They don’t love don’t care and won’t bother with you when you are no longer cooperating with the game. The first step is acceptance. You have to read here and talk with others victims. It takes a while before you’ll get it. I used to look for good in everything until this experience but now truth is some people on this earth are simply rotten. Period. Cry all you need. Know that human evil exists and that you were chosen for a reason. They only seem to victimize the best of folks. They’re jealous of your happiness, jealous of your love, jealous of your smile. All their acts of emotions are superficial. They are sick! You must accept that it was all a lie. It hurts. That can’t love. Mine has tried his hardest to break me. Smeared my name, called me every bitch in the world hell he would have called me whores in others languages if he was smart enough. It hurts. But know it isn’t who you are, he is bad. Mine recently contacted me trying to be nice. Bloggers here say it’s another ploy. Everything is all games for them. They are SICK! I can’t express that enough. Your spath will probably come back around especially if he knows you’ll be waiting with open arms. If you accept the cycle will begin al over again. THEY NEVER CHANGE. The next go round will be quicker and harsher. You deserve much better. I wish all normal people and us here could build a huge fence around our community to keep then out! It’s hard to trust and you’ll be skeptical of everyone you meet for the rest of your life. However, I consider it a gift. Everyone isn’t capable of seeing past the smoke and mirrors and now you’ll be able to. XO
“turning it back on him: avoid the pedestal and use the pity ploy. Just come across as pathetic and pitiful ”“ try to keep from cracking up as you do so. Let your lawyer be the tough guy and speak for you and make decisions for you.”
Skylar,
I just want to make sure I understand this correctly!!
You’re saying I should come across as being pathetic and pitiful as this will bore him and he will lose interest because there is no happy person to tear down?
I know for sure that when i was happy and independent he tore me to shreds using gaslighting. This left me feeling decimated and depressed. When depressed he treated me with utter contempt and distain as if I were just useless to him at that point. Quite frankly he treated me like a piece of shit on the bottom if his shoe …. And as I saw it no longer wanted me.
So if he no longer wanted me ( as he initiated the divorce really – long story), why still the control, the getting at me through the children. I.e., trying to push guilt buttons etc. Why the financial withholding. Is this just him trying to “finish me off”?
I can say that after I left he probably expected me to beg him to take me back. But reality dawned. I read lots and did my best at no contact. As this happened he became MORE inclined to contact me. And I know fir sure he’s trying to manipulate me to make the divorce go his way. Hes too fond of his money.
Any thoughts on all that?
About “inverting”, are you saying that they say the opposite of what they mean? Using an obvious example “I’m not lying to you” means he is lying to me? I had learnt about the projection before and there are a few times when I did interact with him since leaving that I could tell some lies. That is, he said one thing and I thought “ok, what he really means is the complete opposite of what he just said”.
I’m just trying to get a grip on what I’m dealing with!
Thanks.
Hi PathtoFreedom,
Skylar hasn’t answered you yet, but I’ll take my own stab at the issue. I think Skylar means to be boring mostly, but pathetic might work as well.
Are you dealing with a sociopath? I sometimes just assume that everyone who stumbles in here was hit by an spath….do you think he is? Maybe I missed the beginning of your story. If he IS an spath, I’d say he is probably still messing with you because he is a SOCIOPATH.
If he has a motive, I’d guess it’s to get a reaction out of you. He probably initiated the divorce so that you’d beg for him back, not because he was bored of you. He probably realized that his usual antics weren’t getting the super high drama response, so he upped the ante. Since you are going through with the divorce, he has upped it again. This even sounds like inverting to me. My ex did this kind of crap, which was like situation-gaslighting without words. He is actually doing what he doesn’t want to do so that you will stop him, that way he can later use it, too, as a way to blame you for anything else that goes wrong in your marriage that you begged him to return to. I can already see him saying, “Well, I tried to leave, but you begged for me back, and out of the mercy of my heart, I returned to you. That’s how much I truly love you.” Yet all along he was pulling the divorce card to force you to play along.
If a sociopath says, “I am not lying to you,” then he/she is lying to you.
If a sociopath says, “I am lying to you,” then he/she is lying to you.
If a sociopath talks, he/she is lying to you.
You might want to consider a different example of inversion for feedback on whether or not he means the opposite of what he says.
“I know for sure that when i was happy and independent he tore me to shreds using gaslighting.”
As usual…I have found another woman on here who apparently dated my ex. We all dated the same jerk. Yup, he did that to me too.
good morning Pathtofreedom and Panther,
Yes, I did mean mostly boring.
Your spath may have the intention of discarding you, but the feeling cannot be mutual, you don’t get to discard him. He wants to believe that he will always be able to control your reactions. In this way, the spaths are as addicted to us as we are to them. Theirs is an addiction to power (over us).
It’s like any other addiction in which they do an action and they get the reward. Up until now, the reward has been your responses to him. It doesn’t matter what kind of response as long as he gets one.
To break his addiction, we usually go NC, so that they no longer get a response. But when you can’t go NC, gray rock is a form of “watered down” response. The response is so tepid that it bores them. The lack of emotional display is key.
Example: my spath had a friend who was depressed. He knew how to push his friends buttons to receive some rage episodes from his volitile friend. One day the friend tried taking prozac and his responses were different and apparently unsatisfactory because spath would come home complaining that his friend was taking prozac and he didn’t like how it changed him. Spath said, “he denies that he’s still taking it, but I can tell when he is.” Prozac and other SSRI’s, tend to stabilize your moods so that you don’t swing as wildly between the highs and lows (among other things).
When I say “pathetic” perhaps that’s not the right word, because you don’t want to display sad emotions either.
Mostly focus on keeping your face expressionless and your eyes dull. No sudden movements. Act sort of zombie like.
Even when considering the divorce settlement, portray yourself as not caring about the money, but that your attorney is handling it all and you don’t care enough to make any decisions on your own. If he doesn’t think you value the settlement, he won’t try as hard to take it from you.
He wants to take from you, only the things that make you happy because he is filled with envy toward all of humanity, but you are his focus for now.
“If he doesn’t think you value the settlement, he won’t try as hard to take it from you.”
I totally agree with this point.
Panther: ha ha…when sociopath talks he’s lying. Yup!!!!!