I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
I have the same story as blondblue eyes. In fact i have blond hair and blue eyes too. I am recently out of this sick relstionship-one month. I was engaged to him 15 years ago and I ended it because he wasn’t fair to my son over his son. we went to therapy and the psychologist said after seeing us for 8 months that he was NPD.I moved across the country hopinng to move on from this but never did. as the years weore on without ever falling in love agsain, we remained friends. He married a money tree for 10 yrs, , went bankrup and lost his business.as a friend he said his life with her was miserable he felt stuck. His son stole 15,000 from her and he was never held responsible for it so she told my (N) his son could not come into her home again. They got a divorce but stayed living together. He started his business again and was just waiting to get money to leave her. We starting falling in love and he did leave her and moved to his own apartment. I did feel he was madly in love with me. I do look at it and see that it was words with no actions. His son in the meantime was diagnosed with Schzoid-affective dissorder a severe mental illness. Hes an adult, 23, but no skills, no training, and just starting on therapy. He begged me when i move to his town which is what I was in the process of doing. He begged me to allow his son to live with us. After thinking and investigating his sons illness I said no because i have a small child a daughter. I was fearful that his son and him would suck both of us dry and I was concerned for my daughters safety. So he went back with his ex. She became desperate to get him back when she found out he was with me. She offered his son her home to live in and he now lives in ther house. He has his apartment still but I am sure he is there most evenings. I also found out he never let go of the ties to her-lying to me the entire 8 months we were together and lying to her-he told her he broke up with me. He told me he had no choice but to go to her because he could not manage his son alone. and I was willing to support and help him but in a separate home. I do understand his predicament but still think he is a sociopath because of all the lying and deception and not bring able to let her go. His money tree-shes a millionaire. I did break down and called him last week. He said hes miserable and hes come to realize that he has to be with the moman he loves. What I can’t seem to believe is that he doesn’t feel the pain of our separation. I have seem him be in pain for a year crying on my sholder as a friend due to a breakup with a girl in the past. I do think he believes hes in love with me, thinks about me every second. Wants to get his son on a more secure footing and then manage him on his own(he says) so he can come back to me. I did make it clear that i would never get over all the lies and will not take him back. I do believe he has all the symptoms Donna describes except he does not have numerous women. he is triangulating now and hes done that before. I do believe he is grieving my loss(he sees me as an idolized version of what he always wantd) Help me with this. I can’t get my arms arounde this. I see and feel his love and grief at his loss for me. But the redings I’ve read say he probsbly doesn’t give me a second thought. Help me with this please
🙂 Well mine was surely like that. I am just guessing most are.
Sharharmony: Be extra careful. They are extremely cunning. They make anything look true and have the ability to read you like a book. They study what makes you tick so he knows just what to say to get you on his side. You said he was diagnosed with npd, so your answers lie there. Like sociopaths narcissists are also incapable of love and pathological liars. The prices is him and his needs. They do whatever it takes to get them met. My ex did the same thing going from ex to me but lying to us both. They’re con artist. He doesn’t mourn the loss of you only his narsisstic supply. He does not love you. It hurts to know, believe me. He can’t love. He may think he’s in love when he’s got complete control of you or a situation because to a narcissist, this is what makes him happy. It’s all about power and control. Panther: Yes they do lie! About the dumbest shit too don’t they?
Panther: yes they are. And Sharharmony be extra careful. They are great con artist and have the ability to make things look true. They can read you like a book and they study what makes you tick so he knows just what to say to get you on his side. You said he was diagnosed with npd, there’s your answer. Narsissist are pathological liars and are incapable of love just as sociopaths. He does not love you. He can’t love you. He may think he loves you simply because he has control over you or a situation. To a hardest poser and control is pure bliss and euphoria. He may mourn the loss of you but it’s only the your narsisstic supply that he misses not you. Narssist thrive off of attention. They’re grown ups with children like minds. They have temper tantrums lie and love playing the pity ploy game. My ex was a narssisst. He went back and forty between his ex and me white lying to us both about the other. It’s all a game. They’re after whatever they can get. Money sex sympathy love to fuel their egos or in your case someone to care for their kid because trust me he really doesn’t give a damn. To a narssist a sick kid ha sicker than them I’ll say only makes him look bad and is a burden.
Oh wow I thought my first post deleted so I wrote another. Do read both I added done in the second. Hope this helps. 🙂
When we were friends he was inlove with a women names(F) before he married the millionaire(R). Even though he claimed to be inlove with (F) he triangulated with another woman (T). As a friend he told me (F) had a intimacy problem and he wasn’t getting all his needs met. She broke up with him. He was devistated for about 2 years. cryed on my shoulder as a friend . What was all that grief-I saw that it was real. I do believe he thinks he was inlove with F and he thinks he is in-love with me. We look very similar. Hes claiming now to be thinking of me all the time. He finally has his business up and running. he has a full blown photo of me nit his ex who he is currently with on his new website in the mission statement. Please help me understand this. according to the blogs I’ve been on he hasn’t given me a second thought. I realize he probably wants me as a backup . My heart is so broken.
also his ex has got him under her thumb and is keeping him in bondage so to speak because she is taking care of his son. The price he has to pay is that he has to give me up no contact or she will not continue as caretaker. I eonder how hes experiencing her control like that. hes telling me on that same conversation that it isn’t working at all and hes very unhappy giving up the love of his life and he feels stuck to help his son .
shar,
it’s sad that you believe one single word that comes from his lips. He never loved you nor any of the other women. He is a player, he loves to manipulate. The tears were fake. Completely fake. His words were all lies. His son is just part of his pity ploy. Everyone in his life is a pawn to be used for his manipulation.
Please go NC, you are addicted to the drama and it’s going to take time and education for you to heal. Read as much as you can to learn about trauma bonds and sociopaths. Only knowledge will free you.
They are liars. Intimacy problems, crazy scorned women, lack of understanding,Infidelity,bad parenting, gold digging…these are classic lies they tell about their exes and women to make you feel like you’re so diff and special. He will tell the same lies on you.
They will look you in the eye and lie and won’t think anything about it. They have no conscious they’re great actors. They can be whatever or whoever to suite the environment or situation. Believe us here. It’s a lot to take in but these people are toxic.