I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Deceived:
Oh and about the dating part. I don’t even date as I just don’t even want to go there. I just know I would feel the same as you…disappointed and empty. I have been told on here that we will never feel that crazy connection with a “normal” man and I know without a doubt this is true. It probably means you were going on dates with normal men and not spaths! Whatever they have, that is what makes us feel that crazy “connection” like we never felt before. I have been told to suck it up and just settle in a way…settle for a normal man (who may or may not be boring). I am not willing to do that. I would rather not date at all than settle. I want to maybe eventually find a “normal” man who also is the man of my dreams…not sure if it is possible. But if it is meant to be, it will be.
Dear Deceived,
Keep on reading and learning, knowledge IS power and the more we learn the better it is for us and the better we can take back our power.
There is NO instant fix, no matter how we want there to be, and the treatment (no contact and self examination) is painful in order to fix the injured spirit! Read the article I wrote about the burns: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/09/16/injuries-from-psychopaths-are-like-burns/
and read the article about how trauma changes our brains
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/09/17/research-finds-brain-changes-due-to-ptsd/
These articles both illustrate that you have received a major WOUND and it takes time to repair, and sometimes the treatment is as painful or more so than the original wound, but you CAN recover. So don’t rush yourself. Be kind to yourself, continue your therapy and meds and keep on workiing toward healing those wounds. In the end you may discover that you are not the same, but instead, stronger, smarter and better than before. More secure and happier as well! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Deceived,
Hopefully, you will not meet another man as exciting as the spath, because if you do, I will advise you to “run for the hills”.
Normal people do not inspire the kind of fascination as the spaths do. Spath charisma comes from being infantile. Just as babies are charismatic, charming and need lots of attention and create lots of drama, so do spaths.
You might consider that you are addicted to drama and try to figure out why. Our culture, through television, can lead to the false impression that life is supposed to be filled with action and emotion, with pauses of 30-60 seconds for shopping/consumerism. Ask yourself how you view yourself and your life in the future. What about when you’re 80? Then ask yourself how realistic that vision is.
Deceived,
I’ve been in the same boat, dating-wise, recently; no one I’ve met has provided the same initial spark that I had with the spath. But you know what I’ve realized? Part of that “connection” I thought I had with him was because of my CONFUSION about him. He kept me so unbalanced. One day he’d say we were meant for each other, the next he’d say it’ll never work because he doesn’t want stepkids. I just kept trying and trying to get him to come around. To change him. And I worked as hard as I could on that unattainable goal — which made me feel even more bonded to him. He became all I ever thought about.
But no more. I’m about two weeks into NC mode, and I’m starting to see what a drain he’d been in my life. I’ve accomplished SO MANY THINGS that I’d been putting off when I was involved with him. I’m more organized, I’m more active with my kids, I’m getting work projects done — in other words, I’m much, much healthier than I’ve been in a long time. I was obsessed with a guy who never cared a thing about me. That’s hard to admit, but it’s the truth. And the good news is that I’m not obsessed anymore.
I know there’s still pain for you, Deceived; I have my moments, too. But one thing I’d suggest is for you to focus on the good things about having him out of your life. There have to be some good things, right? (Mine include getting my organized life back, feeling the relief of friends and family now that they know I’ve finally moved on from him, etc.)
Yes, I could think back to the romantic moments he and I shared and be wistful, but a) they were false on his part, and b) I’m moving forward now.
I think there are moments in life when we actually have a choice about whether to feel miserable or happy. I choose happiness right now. 🙂
Louise, Skylar and Recovering,
Thank you for feedback. It helps to talk to women who have been through a similar experience who understand and can relate.
Ox Dover – I will check out the link to the 2 blogs you sent. I will definitely check them out.
Aliciad456 – I can so totally relate to you about feeling confused and off balance. He said the same thing to me too…he’d say we were meant for each other, the next he’d say it’ll never work because he doesn’t want stepkids. Wow! These men must go to school or a training camp for douchebags. It makes me even more angry to hear my story and experience is not an isolated case. I just need to figure out and find a way to turn my anger from being destructive to me to like it is now to helping me live a better, fulfilled life. I don’t know how to do that or get there yet but it’s a good goal to have.
Dear Louise,
Another thing to keep in mind here is that there are other important distinctions besides that of “normal boring guys” verses “charismatic socios.” For example, there is also the dichotomy of “conventional” (i.e., people who see the world the way that everyone else does, and accept at face value the “dopey values” of popular culture, etc.), and the “unconventional, non-conformist” types – who have their own ideas about things, “follow their own path,” and don’t give a particular damn what anyone else thinks of them!
For me, there is nothing more appealing than a woman who has her own mind and lives according to her own ideals. But from my experience, sociopaths are by and large, the EXACT OPPOSITE of this. Mine, at least, had remarkably conventional views about things, and even before we started fighting, this was beginning to get tiresome for me. I don’t know if one can generalize here, but perhaps sociopaths are simply more “conformist” by nature – perhaps because it helps them blend in better?
Speaking of my spath’s “tiresome conventionality,” one of the most instructive examples of this came near the end of our relationship. I forget what we were arguing about, but out of the blue she said to me (in an e-mail), “By the way, I lied about liking your favorite book “The Brothers Karamazov” – I actually hated the whole thing!” Well, that was pretty much the moment when my illusions were completely shattered! However, to make matters even worse, she went on to say that her REAL favorite book was “Atlas Shrugged,” by Ayn Rand! (And upon that tawdry revelation, I began the process of rapidly “falling out of love” with her!!)
At any rate, the point is that some “normal” people are, admittedly, a bit drab and dull. But I think this has more to do with their acceptance of mindless cultural constructs, than it does with their not being sociopaths! As I said, my own socio was growing quite wearisome as time wore on; and ultimately, her “spathy charisma” could only do so much to conceal her essential emptiness and vapidity.
So what I’m getting at, Louise, is that “charming sociopath” verses “boring normal person” aren’t the only possibilities. Because, again, most socios are amazingly tedious once you figure them out, and most of the truly interesting, fresh, and unconventional people aren’t sociopaths! (For proof of the latter assertion, just look at the majority of the posters whom we find on this site!)
Anyhow, just some stuff to think about! (And I hope all is well with you, by the way.)
Constantine:
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this to me.
Hmmmm, lots to think about. Interesting stuff. Actually, I think mine was more unconventional.
This really does give me a lot to contemplate…thank you very much.
I hope you are well also!! 🙂
Constantine,
you make a good point, the spaths will wear a facade of being normal – to the extreme.
I’ve even read somewhere that the spath comes across as MORE normal than “normal” people. They do everything they can to blend with the sheep, so that they aren’t noticed. In addition, their lack of creativity and memetic nature also helps them blend in. Maybe that is what is meant by “The banality of evil”
My own spath came across as larger than life. He was always telling stories of his adventures. He was like tom sawyer and quite loveable – when he wanted to be.
But other than that, he blended. Jeans and a PLAIN teeshirt and a baseball cap. Wore a beard most of the time. One of the reasons I felt so sorry for him is that he seemed dumb and unenlightened. I never felt like I could have an intellectual conversation with him – he had nothing to say. But in the last years, near the end, he had plenty to say and it was all contradictory to my beliefs. And he was UNORIGINAL IN EVERYWAY. Definitely banal.
I think psychopaths come in all shades of colors, intellectual levels, cultures and knowledge. There are dumb ones, smart ones, educated ones, criminal gang member ones, and the Bernie Madoff’s and the Bill Clintons, and Weiners….high and low, rich and poor, Adolph Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao, and Ted Bundy and Charlie Manson. Some slip under the radar and are never exposed and some eventually get exposed after they have destroyed many victims’ lives, and others after the first victim.
Each of us has experienced one or more close up encounters with one or more psychopaths and so I think to one extent we are like the blind men who were “shown” an elephant….one said the elephant was like a snake, because he only felt the trunk, another said the elephant was like a rope, because he only felt the tail, another said the elephant was like a tree, because he only felt the leg, and another said an elephant was like a wall because he felt the side.
In order to get the entire PICTURE of what a Psychopath IS, we need to be able to see ALL THE DIFFERENT PARTS and realize that there is a pattern there, but it is not ONLY just what that one part we experienced is.
In learning about DIFFERENT kinds of psychopaths, and seeing various different ones we can see that there is a RANGE of IQs and a range of violence, etc not just one size fits no one.
The bell curve of the ranges of empathy and other research that was done by Dr. Baron-Cohen shows us that just like dogs come in all sizes, some more aggressive than others, some smarter than others, etc. there are differences–yet there are patterns–so while different breeds of dogs are NOT all exactly alike, there are some similar features to the general species from the wolf to the lap dog, but there are others that are more particular to one breed or another.
I think the psychopaths are the same way. Some are MORE narcissistic than others, and some are more violence prone than others, some smarter than others, some willing to break the law, and some who will skate on the edge of breaking the law.
Our “job” I think is to be able to distinguish first off the SPECIES of critter we are dealing with—“PSYCHOPATHIOUS NARCISSISTH” then we can figure out what the specific “breed” it is, but we must always keep in mind that it is the SPECIES that counts and they are ALL toxic no matter what breed they are. Just like it doesn’t matter if it is a DIAMOND BACK RATTLE SNAKE, A side winder rattler, a TIMBER rattler, or a Mexican Green Rattle snake—-THEY ARE ALL POISON. They all bite and they ain’t gonna change what they are.
Fair enough, Oxy. But it’s still true that underneath, EVERY sociopath is tedious and empty – and to that extent, there is a common denominator of sorts.
Or to put it another way: the only real variety is what you find taking place on the surface!