I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Constantine
Good for you Michi – that’s a definite win for the “good guys”! I’m very glad to hear it! But what a loser. It’s really hard to believe that people can actually be married and yet “engaged” to someone else at the same time! That’s still a riddle to me to this day: Did they honestly think we weren’t going to take them down with us? (haha)
From what you’ve said, we must have had a very similar experiences – and resolved them in an almost identical fashion! My guess is that the wife will keep him. It’s sad that people put up with such behavior; but I at least pride myself on knowing that I would NEVER have taken her back if the situation were reversed. Regardless, though, you at least gave her the option of living an “authentic life” by telling her what really happened. The statistics say there’s about a 15% chance that she’ll do so. But because of your actions, you opened up that possibility, at any rate.
Again, I hope you start to feel better before too long, Michi. Even if he is a complete “slopover” and a buffoon, the pain is no less for all that.
All the best.
Constantine
Panther,
You are too funny! Honestly, this guy of yours is completely off the charts with his outlandish behaviors and out-sized ego! You seem so “together” and sensible, Panther, that I can’t help finding amusement (of a “gallows’ humor” variety, at least) in picturing someone like you, with someone who fantasizes about making a film starring himself as a demon with dead babies hanging from his limbs (all in the hopes that it will ruin peoples’ lives by seeing it!) Really, my dear, there is fu*ked up, and there is FU*KED UP! – and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out which one this “terrible excuse for a human being” is!
panther
Oh, Constantine, I really don’t know….but…
Would you believe that EVERYONE who saw us together thought we were the perfect couple? He did more than just mirror me. He channeled me. He was a walking, talking faker who had been doing this song and dance his whole life. He was like a parasitic growth on me.
The way he got to me, I am sure, was my loneliness and my broken heart and crushed self-esteem from being tossed aside by his best friend. I was in a foreign country and he spoke fluent English. He was a charismatic DEVIL with sparkly, piercing green eyes and he just went all suave all over me until I was retarded for the guy, literally retarded. The person he pretended to be…the lies….his perfectly designed composure, down to his soft grin. He actually gave off an energy that was disarming, made a person feel like they could just jump into his arms and he’d protect them. A true predator, the type that convinces its prey to actually just lay down and die without a fight. You’d have to meet him, Constantine. With how much you know about spaths, you’d pin him right away. BUT you’d also agree that he had his game going REALLY deep. He was the type of guy that could look someone in the eyes, tell them he will kill them, and then ask for the keys to their apartment….and they’d hand over the keys. How he did this, I’ll never know, but I watched him abuse people and then turn around and have them bending over backwards for him. No WONDER the fool thought he was god. Even once I figured out what was really going on, I was too terrified to just stand up to him right away. I kept going in circles, falling under the spell, waking up, struggling for freedom, then falling back under a spell….stuck in TURKEY of all damn places.
No WONDER the fool went bananas when I figured him out. Even all the therapists that his parents had sent him to as a teenager had fallen in love with him.
Then this fairly average woman (me) within less than 2 years had him PEGGED and that just wasn’t okay with him. I think he blew a fuse at that point. Yay! I hope he blows all his fuses and the lights just go out.
And, to be honest, I’ve never been so dynamic as a human being as I am now, after that experience. There’s a lot *in here* going on, and I think I might actually have a fair shot at wisdom in the coming years, something some people never manage to acquire. My new depth of appreciation for true, honest, loving people has multiplied exponentially, and I think every good person I meet from now on will benefit from this.
Yes, Constantine, he was FU*KED UP!
Ox Drover
Constantine,
When a person is “cheating” on a spouse and pretending to be unmarried with the person they are cheating with, I think the spouse has a RIGHT TO KNOW. I know of one situation where the husband brought home an STD to his wife and he had to tell her because it became apparent…but of course he only admitted to a “one night stand” a “mistake” when in fact it was serial cheating for a long period of time.
If someone becomes involved KNOWINGLY with a married person you KNOW UP FRONT that the person is a CHEAT because s/he is cheating WITH you, but that also means that s/he WILL CHEAT ON YOU as well. Of course they will give plenty of excuses about what a beast the spouse is, how horrible and they are only staying for the sake of the “kids, business or ______ [fill in the blank])
It amazes me how many people seem to think that if they have an affair with a married person that the person won’t cheat on THEM as well. Also, if you date a divorced person who has a past RECORD of cheating on their spouse or has a LONG LIST of live ins, engagements, or marriages, you can bet that your relationship with that person won’t be long lasting either.
The best single predictor of future behavior is PAST BEHAVIOR.
I do think “innocent” spouses have a right to know—so notifying the cheater’s spouse may keep them from being “blind sided.” If they choose to stay after that, then it is up to THEM whatever happens to them, but them not knowing, and trusting their spouse to be sexually faithful exposes them to STDS…besides, you may not be the ONLY one the bad guy is cheating with.
Constantine
Panther,
Yes, the “charisma thing” is quite mysterious and confusing – especially when you’re young and inexperienced. (You are still young, of course, but no longer “inexperienced”!) In that respect, I think the best defense against “animalistic charisma” and the “charm offensive” (even for people who aren’t necessarily sociopaths) is having a mildly cynical and suspicious attitude toward things and people (mild, as in not TOO extreme!), as well as good “BS detector.” Most importantly, give up the notion of “soul mates” forever! Because as you’re now well aware, “soul mates” don’t really exist, and will therefore invariably let us down. (Good and noble friends are another matter.)
I completely agree that this experience has made you much wiser. I can hear that in your words. Needless to say, it’s a high price to pay for “enlightenment,” but at the same time, many people live to be eighty years old without knowing what you now know!
superkid10
Advice for the heartbreak – great article.
I really feel jealous of my spath. I started dating him when I was separated from my husband. I poured my heart and soul into this guy, loved him to pieces. Then found out he’s an empty shell, lied to me, whatever, and he left me (sort of) and remarried his first wife. Whatever.
I feel so damned angry at myself.
I am angry I fell for a sociopath.
I’m angry I worked so hard at it, for nothing.
I am angry at myself for being married to a really nice guy who I ‘m not in love with (hence my stupid, illogical relationship with the spath). I would like to be in love with my husband and I do not know how to to make that happen.
I am angry with my spath that he went back to his nice little life and left me turned MY LIFE upside down. I want to take it all back, and I can’t.
I’m angry at the emptyness I feel.
I guess this is part of the process, the anger?
Oxy, I can’t say I’m like you, I can’t say I’m happy with myself and that I love myself like you can.
I am really upset with myself.
SK
Constantine
Oxy,
I agree. Admittedly, for a while there I was a bit cynical about the whole idea, thinking “It won’t make any difference,” etc. – because that was the tepid response that I got. But listening to our old friends “Freemama” and “Katydid” (who spoke out for the wife’s perspective on all of this) helped to “reconvince” me that it’s worth doing regardless of the final outcome.
Anyhow, what’s with all this “getting engaged while still secretly marrried” stuff? Do you have any ideas on that one, Oxy? Because I thought mine was the only person messed up enough to take it to that extreme. But apparently that’s not at all the case. And as I said before, the mystery to me is that she actually seems to have believed that I wouldn’t say anything to the husband. But this is someone who’s known me since I was fifteen! (There was a hiatus where she got married, and later told me that she was “divorced”), and should have been well-aware that I wasn’t going to take it “lying down.” I mean, she’s a weird mixture of “smart and dumb” – but even so, she knows that I’m a strong-willed person, whom it’s not a particularly good idea to screw with! So I still don’t get that….
But yes, my position on this issue has evolved – or at least has “re-evolved” back to: “Tell the wife or husband unless there is a VERY compelling reason not to.”
Do you hear that Louise? (wink wink) You do realize, my good lady, that there’s no “statute of limitations” on outing a scumbag? (Haha). Yes, two or three margaritas, a pen, a stamp, an envelope, a blank sheet of paper – with maybe a moderate dose of “cattish” determination thrown in – would really turn that creep’s life upside down! And a great instance of the saying: “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
Okay, it’s off to bed for me! See you all at four or five AM!
Louise
Constantine:
Thank you. It is something I am still contemplating so thanks for the nudge. I agree…the spouse should know and then it’s up to them to do whatever they see fit with the information. Oh yes, revenge being served cold…I think that is why I am waiting 🙂
MoonDancer
once a cheater – always a cheater – they never change – unless they get to old to cheat and I pity who ever get’s stuck with em at that point..
Louise
Oxy:
I do think there are rare cases (notice I say RARE) where someone may cheat and meet someone else and never cheat again because they found who they truly wanted and who they are compatible with. They could have been genuinely unhappy and just not compatible with their spouse and then found someone who was good for them. It does happen every once in a great while, but you are right…the vast majority of the time cheaters will repeat their behavior. I have seen it happen both ways. So I guess I don’t 100% agree with “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Probably about 95% though.