I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
louisey I think your right if your talking about a non sociopath, sometime’s relationships do change and people move on with their lives and find happiness and love with someone else..but in the case of a sociopath we are talking about a whole different critter – they dont see it as cheating, they just do what ever the hell they want with no scewples…
Louise,
Yes, that’s true of my favorite couple of all time: Johnny Cash and June Carter.
http://youtu.be/s00Rl-yqx9M
(Just don’t tell any of my guy friends that I’m so sentimental!)
Hens:
Good point! Right…NON sociopaths may not repeat that cheating behavior, but spaths will NEVER change and yes, they do whatever they want. Thanks for making that clarification 🙂
Constantine:
Gasp!! That couple is a perfect example!!! Thanks so much for posting this.
Oh, Constantine…I have chills from watching that video.
And “Burning Ring of Fire” was a song that Johnny recorded about his affair with June, correct? I thought that is what I had heard.
It’s “Ring of Fire.”
SK,
Darling, I did not get this way over night! I lost my husband in a plane crash 7+ years ago and for the first 4 years of that 7 years, it was CHAOS in my life. A P BF, the attacks from my P son, Patrick, my egg donor’s alignment with the Ps…and only in the last three years or so have I really been able to do any healing. It has been two steps forward, and two steps BACK, then a step forward, and so on, slowly pulling myself along the road to healing, examining myself, my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs down to the CORE of my being. It has been WORK, WORRY, TEARS, and some laughter. It has not been “easy” or painless.
There are so many areas in which I have had to say to myself, “Oxy, you need to change your thinking” and then make myself do it. I have been unhappy, sad, mad, bitter, filled with rage and the desire for revenge…every negative emotion you can imagine, but I have NOT given up, and I have NOT given in to those negative emotions.
I set some GOALS for myself and worked on them, then set more GOALS to work on until I started to LIKE MYSELF, and develop into the kind of person that I COULD and DO LOVE.
I’m not perfect, but I don’t HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE OKAY.
In the past if I wasn’t perfect (who is? LOL) I thought I wasn’t “good enough”….I didn’t expect others to be perfect, but I did expect myself to be perfect! DUH! Now, I don’t expect myself or others to be perfect, just to be HONEST and CARING….and people who are dishonest, unkind, uncaring, mooches and liars are not the kind of people I want in my life. That pretty well eliminates ALL psychopaths as well as most dysfunctional people so my life is pretty peaceful and tranquil for the most part.
I no longer take responsibility for others lives though I am willing to help those who will help themselves…but I no longer attempt to “save” others FROM themselves. Especially against their will. LOL In other words I am giving up “enabling” others. It isn’t easy sometimes but it is NECESSARY.
I started posting and didn’t finish it, and when I came back several of you had posted….yep, there is the RARE time that people will cheat on a spouse and then not repeat that, but most of the time people who are SERIAL CHEATERS will REMAIN SERIAL CHEATERS….
I have told a lie…in fact, I told one a week or so ago, (see the article I wrote about it! LOL) but I am not a ‘HABITUAL LIAR”—and I used to take money out of my mom’s purse when I was a kid, but I am not a HABITUAL THIEF….and I’ve done other things I am not proud of, but I am over all a pretty honest person and a truthful one. I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect others to be perfect, but I do expect that people will ON THE WHOLE be honest about the “big things” like marriage vows, taking things that don’t belong to them, keeping their word, paying their debts, not expecting others to be responsible for them, not driving drunk, or driving without insurance, doing the job they are paid to do, being responsible for caring for their children…you can finish the list. You get the idea.
A few months here someone said something about a guy “He’s a NICE GUY when he is NOT ROBBING BANKS.” Sort of I guess like TED BUNDY was a “good friend” when he was not raping and killing women. Someone can ACT LIKE a “great guy” most of the time, but when they are “not being nice” they rape and rob…so there’s not any leigh way for that person in my book.
There are DEGREES of “crime” and there are “degrees of evil”—maybe someone would take home “samples” from the bank they worked at but they wouldn’t cheat on their wife. Does that make them a “good person” over all? I don’t think so. Maybe someone would not think about “stealing” from the bank, but they would cheat on their spouse at every opportunity. It might not make them a psychopath but they are still NOT SOMEONE I WOULD WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH.
The people I want to associate with are those who are HONEST, KIND, CARING and RESPONSIBLE to a reasonable degree. Sure, that person may lose their temper once in a while and maybe say something they regret, but when they do, they MAKE AMENDS, they APOLOGIZE and they do their BEST to NOT REPEAT THAT BEHAVIOR AGAIN.
I’ve been drunk in my life…but I am not a habitual drunk. In fact, it has been YEARS and YEARS since I was drunk. I may get drunk again, but I can almost guarentee that I will NEVER DRIVE DRUNK if I were to get drunk. My X BF DID drive drunk and not just once, but repeatedly. I eventually found out and driving drunk is not something that I “easily over look” since my grandfather and two good friends were killed by drunk drivers. There are people though who don’t “think bad” about someone who drives drunk from time to time. There are people who don’t think too badly about people who steal either. I DO think badly about them. I also think badly about rapists and child molesters. Badly enough that I will do all I can to see that they are “outed” by the full extent of the law. I think little enough of thieves that I turned in my own son when he stole—I would have called the cops on YOUR son, so why would I not call the cops on MY son?
I’ve just quit making excuses for other kinds of bad behavior that maybe don’t reach the level of “criminal” behavior. I have also quit associating with those people on any kind of “intimate” level of “friendship.”
Oxy
Thank you for that. What a great post. I guess you’re saying I should stop being so hard on myself, and give myself time to heal, accept some mistakes, know that I’m going the right direction. Are you right? This has got to be right.
Crying right now. Thank you.
Superkid
Dear SK,
Dry your tears darlin! Of course you got the message (I’m so subtle! LOL NOT! LOL) Yes, quit being so darned hard on yourself. I was the WORST person TO ME that ever was. None of the psychopaths gave me as much grief as I gave myself because I wasn’t perfect. And because I wasn’t PERFECT I let them get by with all kinds of abuse….but NO MORE, never again! I may not be perfect, but that does NOT mean I should tolerate abuse, lies, and unkindness from anyone.
I will expect others to treat me as well as I treat them! And accept NO less!
You are going in the right direction, and like I told “one/Joy” a while back “you’re starting to sound sane!” and you ARE. You are starting to love yourself and realize you deserve to be loved and treated well. (((hugs))))