I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Constantine:
Well, I used to work in an office, but remember, I quit…gave it all up to get away from spath and lying, manipulative OW in my office.
So I do have a part-time job now, but I don’t sit in an office cubicle all day like I did before. So much better!
What an interesting thread this has evolved into. Cheaters…to tell or not to to tell? To warn new victims of spaths behavior or not (whether this extends beyond infidelities).
I have always had the “gift” or “curse” of meeting people and almost immediately having them tell me some of their most personal and private stuff. Probably because of my laid back, anything goes type attitude, without imposing judgements on them. I am however learning that “judging” people can be a good thing. If only for the very basic need to determine if they are the type of people or have qualities that I do not want in my life. NOT BY ANY MEANS BECAUSE I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A SAINT OR MORALLY ABOVE THEM.
It seems as though everywhere I look these days I see men and women who are cheaters. When I say this I am refering to “habitual” cheaters.
A have a female friend (now toxic and ex’d off) who only gets involed with married men. At first I believed she was duped my a man who claimed to be separated but then went back to his wife. However since that first experience I have seen her with, to date 4 married men I know of.
I had someone who I considered a close male friend who was married and has 2 children. He constantly cheated on his wife. He was not an attractive man but got some of the most beautiful women imaginable because of his “gift” to listen. Well he would always make joking advances torwards me(sometimes very direct and aggresive) and I always blew him off saying “its just him…he’s a big flirt, he means no harm”. Well this is bullshit. He would screw in an instant if I allowed that. This is not ok with me. He uses sympathy/empathy as a means to get women into bed. He came to visit me me a few weeks back and started this shit up. I told him to “F-off”. Well he laughed it off but he has now been (ex’d off as well). He’s called a few times to see how I am…I do not return phone calls. I know his agenda.
And the list goes on………….
So to tell or not to tell? It is my personal belief that it is not my job to tell UNLESS the victim is a close personal friend. It serves no purpose except to create drama and most likely it would not be believed anyway.
With respect to spaths…I can only speak from my experience. I want to warn one woman in particular (because she has a young child) but do not. I do not know her personally and point blank I would look nuts and would not be believed. Furthermore I cannot protect her.. only myself and my son. If I opened that door it could be used against me…and I am not willing to risk that. I realize this might sound sellfish but I can only do what I can do. She has had 6 years to “see” the truth and has now allowed this man back into her life. He has used her for his personal gain…sadly she will see this in time. I cannot change this. Warning a new victim will most likely NOT change a thing if they are under the grips of a spath.
Trust me I’de love to warn the world…however I can only protect us and will not take the risk of tellingl something to someone who wouldn’t believe it anyway. Please note however that if she ever contacted me I would absolutely share my opnion and tell her the truth.
Coping, “judging others” does not mean that we have to be PERFECT in order to realize that we ARE MORALLY SUPERIOR TO SOME PEOPLE. Here is an article I wrote about that very thing.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/03/25/being-a-judgmental-person-is-more-than-okay-it-is-wise/
I do feel I am WAY SUPERIOR to a bunch of others I know. I am not perfect, but I don’t have to be perfect to be SUPERIOR to them. I do not murder people, I do not try to take what is not mine…I am superior to those who do hurt others and try to take what is not theirs.
I share your frustration at not being always able to warn others even when you know they are dealing with a sociopath, but the thing is, even if you do it is not really likely to be believed, especially if the person is already deeply involved with the s-path. So there are times you can warn and times it is best to keep your mouth shut.
Coping, Your guy “friend” who is the serial cheater is not the kind of guy I would want for a “friend’ either—I have eliminated those people out of my life who are dishonest, unkind, uncaring, irresponsible, liars etc. I do not allow those people inside my “inner circle of intimate friends” and if they were already there, I pull away from them immediately.
I’de also like to add for clarity that my opinion might be different if I did not have a restraining order AGAINST this man and we are in custody battles. My warning her could be construed by the legal syatem as me potentially “stalking and harassing” him.
If I did not have a child involved my opinion might be very different.
Coping, your warning her WOULD be considered “stalking and harassing him” for sure. Good point!
Ox- This was a GREAT article and one I read a few months ago. This article helped me so much on a very deep and personal level. It also helped me start the process of “cleaning house” so to speak. You were the first person to ever tell me “judgements can be a good thing”….as I always considered them to be a bad thing. No words could be more true. I’m still working on it though…..
It’s funny but as time passes and toxic people are “eliminated” I feel I am not left with much. LOL…my phone list is now so limited and FB cut down to the bare minimum. However these people were never really true friends to begin with…also they possessed qualities I do not want in my life.
The ablity to “SEE” can initially seem lonely but its better to know the truth and love yourself enough to have the courage to meke changes. It’s only by making these changes that you can begin the process of having the life you really want and deserve. Eliminate the bullshit and make room for new growth. It is however not an easy thing to do and the end results of what you want will take time. I guess the key is patience, honesty, and hard work.
Thank you OX!!
Coping,
I would rather have ONE good friend, true and trustworthy, kind and good, than 100 false “friends.” Just to have a big rolodex full of numbers doesn’t make any more “friends” it is only a false vision of what “friendship” is.
A true friend, to my defnition, is someone who will be there for you through thick and thin, who loves you when you are up and loves you when you are down. They are hard to come by, frankly, and if you have a small hand full in your life, you are fortunate. It does take time and the numbers will never be “big”—but that’s okay, because you have QUALITY, not quantity.
coping:
Great story about whether to tell or not to tell and also good story about your male friend who is a serial cheater and your female friend who only dates married men. I don’t have a lot to offer, but just want to say I enjoy reading so much and get so much insight and wisdom from everyone.
coping and Oxy:
I have been doing the same, eliminating people from my life who just aren’t worthy anymore…either people who don’t support me emotionally or liars, cheaters and manipulators. None of us need that in our lives and hooray for us that we finally get it!!
This has been an awesome thread. Thank you to all who have contributed.
Coping,
That is a good point. We must take into account all the repercussions of our words and actions. If we don’t have evidence, the truth could bite us.