I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
skylar
Coping,
That is a good point. We must take into account all the repercussions of our words and actions. If we don’t have evidence, the truth could bite us.
coping
Louise,
Good for you!!! I know it can be hard. I personally put great thought into each and every person that I choose to eliminate. It can be easy to get angry and just say F-it. I did it slowly and in a way I was sure I would not second guess my decision at a later date.
Good for you girl!!
coping
Sky-
Absolutely!!! At the end of the day we need to look out for our own well being despite our urge/desire to help and warn others. I know that in itself sounds a little spathy but it’s true. No one will do it for us.
Back_from_the_edge
Thanks Donna for that wonderful post! I haven’t been here in a while, to post, but I have been reading, when I can.
VERY SUPPORTIVE OF YOU DONNA! And, very much needed.
I am currently at the (near) end of 4 months NC – although “IT” has tried reaching back through the abyss to me…I am doing AMAZINGLY better but still trying to maintain that ‘foothold’. I remain absolutely committed to NC after having all those layers peeled away from my eyes and if there was one thing I could have added to your post, Donna, it would be this:
“I AM A BETTER AND STRONGER PERSON NOT BECAUSE OF “IT” BUT IN SPITE OF IT.” 🙂
Love to all ~ Dupey xxoo
Donna Andersen
Duped no more – you are very welcome. Congratulations on 4 months NC!
Constantine
Dupey!!!
So good to hear from you and know that you are doing well. I’m glad that you are starting to leave behind that ugly time of your life, and moving on to something better. I still think of you a lot, and I’m always hoping that things finally work out for you.
Speaking of your beginning a new “stage of life,” here’s my all-time favorite “Spath healing poem,” which I had hanging on my bathroom mirror for many years: It’s by the novelist Hermann Hesse, and it’s actually called
Stages
As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end!
(Hope you like that! – and all the best to you Dupey!)
panther
Duped, I love how you call the ex spath “IT”!!! Hahahha. Yes, they are “its” aren’t they? Ewe. Yucky. I don’t like me no monster IT.
Ox Drover
Constantine,
Thanks for the poem, that is very very nice.
I just wanted to say to you, too, Constantine, that I don’t know what kind of a relationship you have with your parents, but I think your parents can be proud of the man that you have become. You sound so much like my adopted son, of whom I am very very proud of the man he is and feel so priviledged to have gotten to know him.
Since Henry isn’t apparently ever going to go straight and “marry” me like he “promised,” and you are too young for me to marry, I think I’ll just have to “adopt” you as well. You have great wisdom beyond your years! ((((hugs)))) I am very glad to have you and Hens here on LF, I just wish that more men would post here. The male perspective helps so much I think. TOWANDA!!!!
(Oh, Hens and I do have “children” together–the duckies! But he paid “duck support” in THREE DOLLAR BILLS!) LOL
Ox Drover
Dupey! Glad to see you back and congratulations on 4 months NC!!! TOWANDA!!!!
Louise
Constantine:
Beautiful poem…made me teary eyed.