I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
MoonDancer
Skylar,
Do you have a photographic memory? I watched a tv show tonite ‘Unforgetable’ and for some reason the character made me think of you.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
sky – wow, that’s amazing. i have to tell you though that this type of meditation is not about de-stessing; it is not about mindfulnness either. it is about polishing the jewel, so that we can see what is. it’s about creating space inside of us so that we can see that the stress is just waves and we are the sea. when one starts DWB meditation there is a very long period of detoxification….perhaps i should have said all this the day after tomorrow. 🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
and thanks for the vote of confidence. i will ask for guidance in my dreams. i don’t meditate ‘on things’ – the form of meditation i do doesn’t function that way.
i got off work about 6 ish – six hours later and i am just starting to feel a bit better…now, it’s time for bed. arghh. whine whine.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
peace out my friends…sleep well.
Ox Drover
Looking forward to a good time during my vacation and my friend coming! Well must get up early so need to toddle off to bed. Catch yoiu guys when I can. Don’t worry about me, I’ll check in when we are not on the road going to some exciting place like the Pea Ridge Mule Jumps or the county fair!
skylar
Hens, I can’t remember ANYTHING.
Up until age 30 or so, I could remember everything, then suddenly, one day, it went away. Now I have to relearn skills on a weekly basis. Probably the result of too much spath in my life.
One Joy, thanks for the warning. I want to do it anyway. Yes, that is what I meant: let your dreams speak to you.
Coping, I was posting to you and the computer crashed. I got the blue screen of death….
Anyway, I wanted to say that I DO care very much about your feelings for your mom. I think you are referring to the link I posted on N-mothers? I DO remember and I DO care.
Sometimes I don’t post a response to everyone because I imagine that people might be sick and tired of hearing my opinion on every single topic…
You are right, none of us can know how our posts are being perceived. It’s the internet! One blogger came on in 2010 and on her very first post, attacked me. She told me I was rude and insensitive because I asked another new blogger to clarify her post since nobody could understand her. Um… it was like she was speaking chinese, truly. anyway, then the insulting poster told me she was DONE talking to me. (just like my exspath used to do). Then she went on to lovebomb various people for months and nobody noticed the incongruity. Very weird. oh well. 🙂
It was very eye-opening.
superkid10
Sky,
I for one, look forward to your comments. I’m never tired of hearing them. You’re well grounded, and you’re a great listener. I don’t always agree, but I don’t ever wish that I hadn’t read that.
SK
one/joy_step_at_a_time
miss sky – i so value your voice here. you always show me another perspective and i have learned much from your pursuit to understand spaths, and remember very clearly the challenges you went through on lf when you took the stance that you would ‘study’ them; when you were uncertain whether or not your bf was disordered.
i call on you for your analytic approach – i trust your abilities. and i sometimes feel that perhaps i shouldn’t encourage your well developed analytic way, when i know that coming into life with your emotions is a path you need to be on.
for me you are one of my stars on lf – part of the small constellation who continue to support me and help me on my way. lately i am feeling awful, so am not doing so much emo work as i don’t have the energy or concentration, but the constellations still supports my daily life, and i am very very grateful.
the last few weeks – with the leg injury/ irish mold/ anniversary of the fake boy’s fake death and resulting depression i have really needed the comfort of this place, not unlike i did when i was here for the first year. so, at a time i was trying to get back into the world with exercise and people, and it not working (and making me freaking sick) i have felt very vulnerable. and lf and you are still here.
and tonight – i swam in the sea again for about 20 minutes….cold….body was good with it, lungs, not so much 🙂 and i feel more balanced now. it’s windy and the i have the windows open and it is rather beautiful. and my decision for the assistant is almost made. 3 of the 5 people i interviewed have now said they want to volunteer if they don’t get the job. 🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
…..
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hmmm, anyone else having trouble getting posts to load so that you can edit them???