I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
the sisterhood
Skylar-I think your posts are very thoughtful and I connect with them in many ways. I was just reading a post you made back in 2007 and you were saying exactly what my experience was. You just never know “when” your words might have an impact on someone. But, believe me, they do. Here we are 4 years later and your words were exactly what I needed to read tonight. So, THANK YOU! For all of us on here, our stories and “opinions” are helping.
On another note-I feel like I am finally seeing the end of the tunnel FOR REAL. I am almost completely out of the fog and I think I am entering the acceptance stage of grief. I still have my moments of going through all the emotions, but I am so thankful that I am growing and learning every day. Thank you to all of you. You have helped me in this process.
MoonDancer
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one/joy_step_at_a_time
not editing my post, but my posts. i do all the time – to correct spelling errors or make things clearer or add stuff.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
what browser and version are u using hens?
MoonDancer
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panther
the sisterhood,
This is nice to hear! I am looking forward to getting there myself. I started pondering notions of forgiveness yesterday. That really surprised me. I’m still too angry to forgive, but it’s back there waiting for me to be ready.
Yeah, Sky knows her stuff! She skillet whacked me into consciousness awhile back and was one of the main contributors to saving my life.
skylar
Awww, you guys are so sweet. but sisterhood, you must mean 2009 because I didnt’ “wakeup” until 2009, not 2007.
It’s all of you guys who have made me want and need to discover this knowledge. My spath parents have programmed me to be unable to do things that benefit me. When you posted your own stories, it made me want to “rescue” you all. I know it’s a sickness in me, but I couldn’t fix it fast enough, so instead I just try to make it benefit the majority. The spath parents have made me into a willing scapegoat. I hope to change that.
I went to the Diamond Way meditation today, (thanks for the referal, One Joy), That is what they have taught me so far. I’m excited to learn more about Buddhisim and see how this ancient philosophy fits in with what I know about spaths.
I can “sense” that there is a connection here. I just haven’t perceived it yet.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Hi Sky – well, am pretty interested in finding out how it is for you over time. There is a very good teacher (Jesper Jorgenson) on the west coast (if he hasn’t gone off to develop one of the new retreat centres in the US) who you should hear speak. Madison and La Crosse are a bit away form you, but they have very strong centres, and San Franciso has the oldest centre in the US.
I will be asking Lama Ole about evil this November when he is at a centre where I have good contacts.
coping
((((Skylar)))),
I just read your post. I want you to know that I do very much apprecreciate your posts not only to me but gain allot from your posts to others.
I was trying to give examples of my misunderstandings and LF-mistakes (DURING VERY RAW PHASES) if you will, to help encourage another poster continue. This however is really not my job. People are ready when thet are ready. :).
Also the post I referred to was one 10 months ago….your information and input has been very helpfull to me.
It’s impossible to follow, thank, and contribute to all posters…that in itself would be a fulltime job. I do what I can do and appreciate this site and am very grateful for it.
Just so you know I do value your voice-it has helped me in many ways…if I haven’t thanked you before I thank you now. 🙂
I hope this post makes sence.? LOL
panther
Skylar,
I think you are WAY too hard on yourself. What you call a sickness sounds like a beautiful quality called compassion and a sense of humanity.
Imagine this scenario: You are walking down the sidewalk when you see a woman/man get hit by a car, and then the car just drives away (it’s a spathomobile). What kind of person would NOT run into the road to help the person who was hurt? This is what separates us from the spaths! It is true that focusing on helping others as a way to take the spotlight off helping yourself can be unbalanced and hurt you. It is also true that trying to rescue someone who doesn’t want help can be hurtful to both parties. BUT I don’t think you have a sickness with the way you are, based on what I can see.
When I first came wandering in here with that email/letter from Mr. Insano, you were one of the first people to look at it and help me. I can say without a doubt that my “aha!” moment was when you told me that I WAS a yo-yo, and that I wasn’t DOING the yo-yo. That simple statement, which was driven from your desire to “rescue” people, snapped me out of it and therefore likely saved my life. Where would we be as people if, in our own times of need, NO ONE reached out a hand and pulled us up? This is what makes us human, and I think it’s a beautiful thing to have enough love for humanity and our fellow brother/sister in life to take some time out of the pursuit of our own self-interest to help another person along their journey.
There are certainly problems with doing ONLY this and doing it to an extreme, but in a balanced way, it is a wonderful quality! It’s maybe the one quality we’d all probably give the spaths in our lives if we had just one chance to add a trait to them, because this is a quality related to empathy and selflessness.
I just think you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You rock, especially when you’re flinging grey rocks around and whacking people with skillets. As long as you still are taking time to take care of yourself, then I see no harm in your intent.